Todays funny

[cadlakmike1]

Once upon a time a man and a woman had a son together. This son wasn't like all the other kids though, he was born without a body. No neck, no torso, no anything except a head. He went through his entire life not being able to do all the things other children got to do. On his twenty first birthday his dad decided he was going to take him out to the bar and have a beer, like a normal father-son.

Well the father ordered a beer, said "Happy birthday son", took a sip of his beer, and then poured the other beer down his sons mouth. All of a sudden the son grew what looked like a throat!!! Shocked the father yelled, "Bartender, two more beers, quickly!". Well once again the father drank his beer, and poured the other in his sons mouth, and he grew part of a chest. "Bartender, keep them coming, fast as possible!!!". Well they drank and drank and the hours just flew by. The son grows into a specimen of a man, 40 or 50 beers later and both father and son are plastered, but all the son needs to grow is one more toe. "Bartender, two...last...beers." They give each other a big cheers, and each drink their beer. Then the son falls over dead. Alcohol poisoning. Moral of the story? He should have quit while he was ahead...

 

[Time4Plan-B]

cadlakmike1 btw thats not a pittbull its an english bull terrier

lol

funny though

Time4Plan-B

 

[HippyInEngland]

11 PEOPLE ... ON A ROPE
Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.

10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave,
Because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping . . .. . . . .

 

[HippyInEngland]

Colin- The Aborigine



A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and
flirting.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of
stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.

Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?

Again, Colin said “No..”

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?

Colin said,

"Just the b*stard who pushed me in.'

 

[HippyInEngland]

Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At Others Your Own Age And Thinking, Surely
I Can't Look That Old?

Well, You'll Love This One...

My Name Is Alice Smith And I Was Sitting In The Waiting Room For My First
Appointment With A New Dentist.

I Noticed His Dds Diploma, Which Bore His Full Name.

Suddenly, I Remembered A Tall, Handsome, Dark-haired Boy With The Same Name Had
Been In My High School Class Some 30-odd Years Ago.

Could He Be The Same Guy That I Had A Secret Crush On, Way Back Then? Upon Seeing
Him, However, I Quickly Discarded Any Such Thought.

This Balding, Grey-haired Man With The Deeply Lined Face Was Way Too Old To Have
Been My Classmate. After He Examined My Teeth, I Asked Him If He Had Attended
Morgan Park High School .

'yes. Yes, I Did. I'm A Mustang,' He Gleamed With Pride.

'when Did You Graduate?' I Asked.

He Answered, 'in 1975. Why Do You Ask?'

'you Were In My Class!', I Exclaimed.

He Looked At Me Closely.



Then, That
Ugly,

Old,

Bald,

Wrinkled,

Fat ***,

Grey-haired,

Decrepit,

Son-of-a-beach Asked:


'what Did You Teach?

 

[oltomnoddy]

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, the wars, lost jobs, Savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc...
​

I called Lifeline.​

Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...​

​

​

​

 

[Dubbaman]

After the president has been in office for 6 months it is customary for the last president to send a note of congratulations to the new one.

So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the president was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was: 370H-SSV-0773H.

This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged.

So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.

They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.

Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House. They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.

Now there was complete panic in the oval office.

They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer.

A special emergency meeting was called by the staff. All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.

After a sleepless night, a now humbled President picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.

Bush chuckled and replied: Dude .............Your holding it upside down!

 

[ArtVandolay]

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl
'Will you marry me?'

The girl said, 'NO!'

And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and bedded lots of pretty girls and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end.

 

[Dubbaman]

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?' ' Yes '

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes , ' whispered the child, ' a policeman . '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered,

' The search team just landed a helicopter '

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

' ME . '

 

[StoneyBud]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and
would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket
and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a
couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he
now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady
who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to
1603 Mockingbird Lane?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to
that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the
bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and
carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl
home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.
We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely
widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we
get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt,
and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of
paint, two chickens, and a goose.. How in the world could I possibly
hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket,
put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'

 

[astrobud]

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, the wars, lost jobs, Savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc...​

I called Lifeline.​

Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...​

​

​

​

​

​

​

thats funny, did you just write that :rofl:
​

 

[HippyInEngland]

A small zoo in West Virginia obtained a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:

"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."

The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition..
"Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt."

The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this."

The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist."

Once again it was agreed.

"And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00."

 

[StoneyBud]

A 30-year-old blonde decides to try horseback riding for the first time.

With no lessons, nor prior experience, she mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune.....





Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.


And you thought all they did was say Hello.

 

[IRISH]

barrack obama was looking for a call girl. he found three such girls at a local pub, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead.

to the blonde he said, "i am the president of the united states. how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?".

she replied, "$200".

to the brunette, he said, " i am the president of the united states. how much would it cost me to spend some time with you".

she replied, "$100".

he the asked the redhead. to which she replied,


"mr. president, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my pants down as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the price of gas, keep me warmer than it is in my apartment, and screw me the way you have done the retirees, then it is'nt going to cost you a darn cent"...

 

[IRISH]

a young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. if he stopped, she stopped. furthermore, she kept staring at him.

she finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him , and said ," i hope i have'nt made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son".

he answered, "that's ok."

" i know it's silly, but if you'd call out goodbye mom as i leave the store, it would make me so happy."

she then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "goodbye mom."

the little old lady smiled, and waved back at him. pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

" that comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"how come so much, i only bought 5 items?"

the clerk replied, " yeah, but your mother said you'd be paying for her things too."

(can't always trust little old ladies)...

 

[ArtVandolay]

I phoned my stockbroker and asked him what I should be buying.

He said "Canned goods and ammunition".

 

[ArtVandolay]

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says ‘Touchdown, tie score.'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally ... in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.

 

[Dubbaman]

Win·dows

Noun.

A thirty-two bit extension and graphical shell to a sixteen-bit patch to an eight-bit operating system originally coded for a four-bit microprocessor which was written by a two-bit company that can't stand one bit of competition.

 

[ArtVandolay]

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope
containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those &*^holes at Home Depot ever deliver the %&$ sheet rock..."

 

[Hick]

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.