Todays funny

[Dubbaman]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES!

Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else
to hold them while you chop.

Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about putting the toilet seat down by
using the sink.

For high blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a
few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a
timer.

A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be
afraid to cough.

You only need two tools in life, WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move
and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct
tape.

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem

 

[HippyInEngland]

A Doctor in Minnesota wanted to get off work and go hunting so he approached his assistant.




"Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients."

"Yes sir!" answers Ole...

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Ole, how was your day?"

Ole told him that he took care of three patients.

"The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL."

"Bravo, Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir," says Ole.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this. And what about the third one?' asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!"

" What did you do?" asks the doctor


"I put drops in her eyes."

 

[BBFan]

I think "everything" bagels are making a lot of promises they can't keep.

 

[Dubbaman]

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her.

"You'll be fine," he said.

She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again, Doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils removed."

 

[Dubbaman]

Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday dear Dubba
Happy Birthday to you

May you live 100 years
May you drink a 100 beers
Get plastard you Basstard
Happy Birthday to you.

 

[oltomnoddy]

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again, Doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils removed."

 

[daddyo]

three nuns walking down the street.
a man jumps out from the bushes and exposes himself.
the first nun had a stoke,
the second nun had a stroke.
the third said she wasn't going to touch it!

 

[Dubbaman]

A man and his wife, moved back home to West Virginia, from Ohio. The husband had a wooden leg, and to insure it back in Ohio cost them $2000. per year!

When they arrived in West Virginia, they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said: '$39.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in West Virginia to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Ohio!

The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden stricture re, with a sprinkler system above it, is $39... You just have to know how to describe it!'

 

[Dubbaman]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad,
what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask
your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from
that.

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you
sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really
use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great
University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you
sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would
sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you
sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a
million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then
went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference
between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are
sitting on three million dollars.

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a
****.'

 

[daddyo]

Four Worms and a lesson to be learned



A minister decided that a visual demonstration would
add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.


At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.


The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead


Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead


Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation -

What did you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,


'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service -- :hubba:

 

[HippyInEngland]

A group of male lawyers lived and died for their Saturday morning round
of golf. One transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him.

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. She overheard the guys talking
about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team
in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes',
but she had them on the spot.

Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early --
at 6:30 am.

He figured the early tee-time would discourage her.

The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening
2-under par round. She was fun and pleasant person, and the guys were
impressed.

Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next
week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed.

The three lawyers were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par
round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed, but wondered if she was trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed.

They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to
be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man
harboured a burning desire to beat her game.

The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15
minutes late, which made the guys irritable.

This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.

The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her
part.

However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.

Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman
was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and
finally, one of the men asked her point blank,
"How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed, and grinned...
"That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I
was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth.

When I got married in college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the
nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit.

Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.

The guys on the team thought this was hysterical.

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up in the air?"

She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

 

[daddyo]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by
a local liberal arts college . There was no shortage of extremely young
idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major
for conversation.

'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
something bothering you?' 'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.' The
young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like
you have seen a lot of action.'

'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.' The young lady, tiring of trying to start
up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax
and enjoy yourself.'

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the
young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but
when was the last time you had sex?'
'1955, ma'am.'

'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to
chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!'

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to
'relax' him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned
against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since
1955.'

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch,
'I hope not; it's only 2130 now
:hubba:

 

[HippyInEngland]

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked,"Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular,

"Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was
under that dog. "Please, ma'am.. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor!

Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often
seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

 

[hottip]

Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home!
A man was found dead In his home over the weekend.
Detectives at the scene found the man face
Down in his bathtub.
The tub had been filled with milk,
sugar, and Cornflakes.

A banana was sticking out of his butt.
Police suspect a cereal killer.

 

[oltomnoddy]

If you hear a "loud rumble" tonight in the sky, don't worry. It's not thunder.
It's Elvis beatin' the crap out of Michael Jackson (again) for marrying his daughter.:hubba:

 

[oltomnoddy]

[FONT=arial, helvetica, sans-serif]"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over
twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," said TBJ, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing
the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen.
Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the
floor laughing.
Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.
"I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady,
I promise it won't happen again. Now,
tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," TBJ replied.
She ran out of the room.
[/FONT]

 

[Dubbaman]

Joke Of The Day: An "OH Crap" moment


His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell
phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin
engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming Up outside a
hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the Door shut, and shouted,
'Let's go.'

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once
in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley
and make low passes so I can take Pictures of the fires on the
hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot. 'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,'
he responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment. Finally he Stammered, 'So,
what you're telling me is .... You're NOT my Flight instructor??'

 

[cadlakmike1]

Never leave a child alone with a Pit Bull. This happened in a matter of moments...

 

[Hick]

The guys were all at a deer camp. No
> one wanted to room with
> Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it
> wasn't fair to make one
> of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take
> turns.
>
>
> The first guy slept with Bob and comes to
> breakfast the next
> morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all
> bloodshot. They said,
> "Man, what happened to you?
> "He said,
> "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him
> all night."
>

>
> The next night it was a different
> guy's turn. In the
> morning, same thing -hair all standing up, eyes all
> bloodshot. They said,
> "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He
> said, 'Man, that Bob
> shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all
> night. "
>
>
> The third night was Fred's turn.
> Fred was a tanned, older
> cowboy; a man's man.. The next morning he came to
> breakfast bright-eyed
> and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!"
> he said. They couldn't believe it. They
> said, "Man, what
> happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for
> bed. I went and
> tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him
> good night.
> Bob sat up and watched me all night. "

 

[oltomnoddy]

How to treat a Woman:

-Wine her.
-Dine her.
-Call her.
-Hold her.
-Surprise her.
-Compliment her.
-Smile at her.
-Listen to her.
-Laugh with her.
-Cry with her.
-Romance her.
-Encourage her.
-Believe in her.
-Pray with her.
-Pray for her.
-Cuddle with her.
-Shop with her.
-Give her jewelry.
-Buy her flowers.
-Hold her hand.
-Write love letters to her.
-Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.


How to treat a Man:

-Show up naked.
-Bring chicken wings.
-Don't block the TV