Todays funny

[IRISH]

how do you double the value of a GM vehicle?
fill it with gas... ...


"you used to be the life of the party in the old days", reminisced one buddy to another.
"does your wife still find you entertaining after seven years of marriage?"

"no," answered the other. "she usually does'nt catch me"...

 

[Dubbaman]

One day a little girl goes up to her mom and asks her how old she is.

"That's not something adults like to tell," her mother replies.


Then the little girl asks her mother how much she weighs.


"That's not something adults like to talk about," she replies.


"How come you and daddy got a divorce?" the little girl asks.


"We don't like to talk about that either, honey." she says, ending the conversation.


The next day the little girl asks a friend about why her mother wouldn't answer any of her questions.


The friend explains, ”It's an adult thing. Just look at her driver's license, it's

like a report card for adult's. It will tell you everything you need to know."


So when she got home from school she went up to her mother and said, "Mommy, I know how old you are."


"How old?" her mother asked.


"47." The little girl said, ”I know how much you weigh."


"Really?"


"Yeah, you weigh 135 pounds. And I know why you and daddy got divorced."


"Okay, why is that?" her mom said.


And the little girl replied, "Because you got an F in sex!"

 

[Hick]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'




He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So my wife called him a butt-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and the car had an Obama sticker. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

 

[snaxforgandhi]

"I think it would be a good idea..."

Mahatma Gandhi's reply when asked what he thought of western civilization.

 

[dopeyjo]

Ha Ha Ha Love All The Jokes. Here's A Sweet Silly One From Me.

I Went To The Zoo Yesterday. All I Saw There Was A Small Dog. It Was A Schitzu!!!!!!!
Xx

 

[Dubbaman]

*not sure if ive already had this one one here or not there's too many pages to look at now but its time for a red neck love poem.
__________________________________________________________________

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,

SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.

SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,

SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,

YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.

I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,

BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE

AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.

BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,

HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.'

YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,

AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.

BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'

I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,

JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.

MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;

YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.

 

[HippyInEngland]

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'

-------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

---------------------

Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet... Why?'

Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'

Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'

Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'

--------------------------------------------------------

Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

------------------------------------------------------------

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning..'

-------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the
Head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on
it that I found in your pants pocket'..
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name
of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the
head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

 

[HippyInEngland]

LOT'S WIFE

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot 's wife looked back
and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, 'My
Mommy looked back once while she was driving,' he announced
triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!'

GOOD SAMARITAN

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good
Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the
roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?' A thoughtful
little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'

DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of
fishing when he was on the Ark ?' 'No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he,
with just two worms.'

HIGHER POWER

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have been learning
how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a
Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?' One child blurted out,
'Aces!'

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one
of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the
youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about
the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much
practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the
kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation,
Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the
microphone and said proudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all
I need to know."

BEING THANKFUL

A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, 'So your mother says
your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does
she say?' The little boy replied, 'Thank God he's in bed!'

TIME TO PRAY

A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night. 'Yes,
sir,' the boy replied. 'And, do you always say them in the morning,
too?' the pastor asked. 'No sir,' the boy replied. 'I ain't scared in
the daytime.'

SAY A PRAYER

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his
Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food
was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started
eating right away.

'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother. 'I
don't need to,' the boy replied. 'Of course, you do,' his mother
insisted. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.' 'That's
at our house,' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house and she
knows how to cook!'

 

[StoneyBud]

The AMA Weighs In

The American Medical Association has weighed in on National Health Insurance.

The Allergists voted to scratch it,

but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it,

but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"

while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness,

while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow,

and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward,

but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas,

and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the buttholes in Washington.​

 

[snaxforgandhi]

"I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers..."
Mahatma Gandhi

 

[mistertee]

a man strolls into a dentists office and claims he is a moth.the dentist tells the man that he is infact a dentist,the man replies i know.the dentist tells the man he should go and see a doctor,the man replies i know.the dentist asks why are you here then? the man replies, you had your ******* lights on.

 

[Dubbaman]

Stoney that reminds me of one i got from a prof i had way back about being boss:


When the Body was First Made,
All Its Parts Wanted to be Boss...

THE BRAIN SAID : Since I control everything and do all the work I should be boss.

THE FEET SAID: Since I carry man where he wants to go and get him to do what the Brain wants, I should be boss.

THE HANDS SAID: Since I must do all the work and earn all the money to keep all the rest of you going, I should be boss.

THE EYES SAID: Since I must look out for all of you and tell you where danger lurks, I should be boss.

And so it went with the Heart, the Ears, and the Lungs.

Finally the arsehole spoke up and demanded that he be boss. All the other parts laughed and laughed at the idea of an arsehole being boss.

The arsehole was so angered that he blocked himself off and refused to function. Soon the Brain was feverish, the Eyes crossed and ached, the Feet were too weak to walk, the Hands hung limply at his side, the Heart and Lungs struggled to keep going.

All pleaded with the Brain to relent and let the Arsehole be boss, and so it happened. All parts did the work and the arsehole just bossed and passed out a lot of crap.

MORAL: You don't have to be a brain to be boss, just an Arsehole.

 

[Dubbaman]

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a ******* lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station and the conversation went like this:

'Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?'

'Best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a ******* lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?'

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, 'Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!'

There was dead silence on the line for a moment.

Father O'Malley then replied, 'Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.'

 

[Dubbaman]

The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom.

Eventually I decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We played that, Both go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to guide myself past and that's is when I realized, yup, that's a mirror I just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is me. Even cats can recognize their own image.

 

[SkunkPatronus]

If you had five penis's how would your pants fit.



uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh, like a glove.

 

[Dubbaman]

WOuldnt that be had to go and take a piss like that

 

[Dubbaman]

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

 

[ArtVandolay]

What's brown and sticky?

...

...

...

...

...


...

...

A stick

 

[Dubbaman]

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers.

"Hello?"

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking.."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."


"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.


"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."


"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.


"Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time."

''Well, what am I supposed to do now? "

"The folks at Obama health care recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

 

[oltomnoddy]

AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION​

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

I have been with a loose girl'. ​

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'​

'And who was the girl you were with?'​

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later​

so you may aswell tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'​

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'​

'I'll never tell.'​

'Was it Nina Capelli?'​

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'​

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'​

'My lips are sealed.'​

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'​

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'​

The priest sighs in frustration.

'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. ​

But you've sinned and have to atone.

You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'​

Joey walks back to his pew,​

and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,

'What'd you get?'​

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'​