Todays funny

[ArtVandolay]

 

[Dubbaman]

 

[ArtVandolay]

 

[Dubbaman]

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me20and said softly "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken"

 

[Hick]

An old Italian man lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his
annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work and the ground
was hard. His only son, Vincent, used to help him but was now in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son bemoaning his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I
know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.


Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies were buried.
Love, Vinnie


At 4 a.m. the next morning FBI agents and local police arrived and dug
up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the
old man and left.


That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do
under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie

 

[Dubbaman]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out.

Both said they were very much in favor of it..

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic, and she was able to leave the hospital within a few hours.

When they got home they found the UPS man dead on the porch.

 

[oltomnoddy]

As men age, we start seeing more of the medical world, which nowadays seems to include an increasing number of women as our physicians and therapists. And in my case, a new urologist.

My family doctor recently referred me to a just out of medical school female urologist. I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I must stop masturbating.
I asked her why.
She said, "Because I'm trying to examine you..."

 

[oltomnoddy]

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little @$#%.
********************
Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
********************
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
********************
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
'What have you got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon,
'Pies, you dumb @$#%' !!
********************
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.
********************
Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
********************
Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was lame.
********************
There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.​

 

[ArtVandolay]

Common sense - Pass or Fail?

 

[Dubbaman]

A woman has identical twins and is forced to give them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, "They're identical twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

 

[oltomnoddy]

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question:
"When you die and go to heaven.... which part of your body goes first?"

Susy raised her hand and said. "I think it's your hands."

Why do you think it's your hands, Susy?"
Susy replied "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."

What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet."

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
Now, little Johnny why do you think it would be your feet?"

Little Johnny said, "The other night Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was shouting "OH! GOD, I'M COMING!"
If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

........ the nun fainted!:hubba: :holysheep:

 

[ArtVandolay]

I was looking through the Northern Tool catalog and saw this. Now you can take your stash with you :hubba:.








Dirty Security Underwear Safe Features:

• Secret pouch with a fastener to keep your stash in place
• The realistic "skid mark" will keep others from touching them.
• Not even the most hardened criminals have the %&# to rile through dirty under garments.

 

[HippyInEngland]

There were three little boys visiting their grandparents.
The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, "Can you make a sound
like a frog, Grandpappy?
Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, "No, I don't really
want to make the sound of a frog now."

So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, "Will
you please make a sound like a frog?"
Grandpa again says, "No, not now. I don't
really want to do that.
I'm in a grumpy mood. Maybe later."

Then the third little boy comes out and says, "Grandpa, oh please...
Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?"

"Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa
asked.

The little boy replied with a hopeful face, "Well, Mom said that when
you croak we get to go to Disney World!"

 

[StoneyBud]

An Indiana farm wife called the local phone company to report her
telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few
occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the
phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this
psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his
test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the
telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and
moaning.

 

[oltomnoddy]

A little old guy is walking around in a supermarket calling out,
Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!'

Soon an assistant manager approaches and says,
'Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 3.'

The old guy replies, 'Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff.
I'm calling my wife. She's in here somewhere'

The clerk is astonished.

'Your wife's name is Crisco?'

The old guy answers, 'Oh no, no, no.
I only call her that when we're Out in public.'

'I see,' said the clerk.
'What do you call her at home?'

'Lard Azz.'

 

[Dubbaman]

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.



The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year- old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son.....'Go get your mother.'

 

[Dubbaman]

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery Store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can You tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
Coupla blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get To Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't Even know the way to the Post Office."

 

[oltomnoddy]

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal,
Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's 'roommate',
Jennifer was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer,
and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact,
she started to wonder if there was more between
Brian and Jennifer than meets the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you
must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since
your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the
beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.
So he sat down and wrote:

___________________________________

Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house,
I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle.
But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian
___________________________________

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

___________________________________

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer.
But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

 

[IRISH]

is it wrong to have sex before your married?

only if it makes you late for the ceremony...

 

[IRISH]

how do you make $1 million in the stock market these days'?

start with $3 million...



Don't marry for money. you can borrow it more cheaply...


Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch...