Todays funny

[HippyInEngland]

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known necking spot.

He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.

He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the
driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"

The cop says: "What are you doing?"

The young man says: "Well Officer, I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused..

A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane...and nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?"

The young man says "I'm 22, sir."

The cop asks: "And her...what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies:"She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.

 

[Dubbaman]

Mrs. McGervey was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father O'Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. McGervey and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. McGervey, how are ye these days?'

She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer lovin' hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'

 

[Dubbaman]

Where did the other buck go?

Buck if i know :rofl: really its in how you look at the math on this sure they all got the buck back but the room was still 25 add the buck each that the 3 guys got back and that makes 28 the 2 the cashier pocketed and there's your 30 if you say 3x9+2 and it will come out to 27 but when you think of the room rate the change given and the tip taken being 25+3+2 there's your 30. It really kind of works just like economics doesn't it... now we all can see how the Man does it.

 

[BBFan]

Buck if i know :rofl: really its in how you look at the math on this sure they all got the buck back but the room was still 25 add the buck each that the 3 guys got back and that makes 28 the 2 the cashier pocketed and there's your 30 if you say 3x9+2 and it will come out to 27 but when you think of the room rate the change given and the tip taken being 25+3+2 there's your 30. It really kind of works just like economics doesn't it... now we all can see how the Man does it.

It's like the old saying-
Figures lie and liars figure.

 

[dman1234]

guy walks into a library and asks for a book on suicide,
librarian says get lost you wont bring it back

 

[Dubbaman]

A gentleman went to the Dentist's office to have a tooth pulled.

The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give him a shot.

"No way! No needles! I hate needles!" the man said.

The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected.

"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"

The Dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection," the man said. "I'm fine with pills."

The Dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet."

The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement,
"WOW! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't," said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull your tooth."

 

[Dubbaman]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.

"You'll really love my place.

"The grass is almost a foot high"

 

[HippyInEngland]

I had a mate who was suicidal.

He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.

He was chuffed to bits.

~

I met a 16 year old girl on the internet.

She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.

She turned out to be an undercover detective.

How cool is that at her age?!

~

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.

She said I had to stop masturbating.

When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

~

I just saw that Harry Potter film.

A bit unrealistic if you ask me.

I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

~

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.

Took her out with one punch.

~

My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.

"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.

~

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone.

I said "morning."

He replied, "No, just having a crap."

~

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?

 

[Dubbaman]

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?

:rofl:

 

[Dubbaman]

Little Susie was not the best student in CatholicSchool
Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
"Tell me Susie, who created the universe?"
When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Susie.
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Susie, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.
"Jesus Christ !!!" shouted Susie.
And the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Susie fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up & shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half and shove it up your arse!" The Nun fainted.

 

[Dubbaman]

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED by Tuesday, June 30 , 2009

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS,

CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.


Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday, 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..


Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching
About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00, 2 hours.


Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping? Group Debate
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM, 2 hours.


Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and
Explanatory Graphics
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM, 3 weeks.


Class 5
Curling Irons - Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday, 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM


Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM


Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.


Class 8
Health Watch - They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM, 2 hours.


Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right! - Real Life Testimonials
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.


Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim
Driving Simulations
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.


Class 11
Learning to Live - How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers
Through the Windshield
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined


Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday, 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.


Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy - Remembering To Take a List To The Store,
Avoiding Separate Trips for Each Item Needed
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM, 2 hours.


Class 14
The Stove/Oven - What It Is and How It Is Used
Live Demonstration
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.


* For those Women who are members of MP before you start with all the nasty PM's. This is only a joke and is in no way how i feel about the opposite of my sex. Oh and one last thing my wife is the one who sent it to me (thinking they are real classes) and wanted to know if she needed any of them

 

[HippyInEngland]

Go get him girls

eace:

 

[HippyInEngland]

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the
light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of
God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
;
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord
for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma.

 

[Dubbaman]

I cannot see, I cannot pee.
I cannot chew, I cannot screw.
Oh, my God, what can I do?
My memory shrinks, my hearing stinks.
No sense of smell, I look like hell.
My mood is bad--can you tell?
My body's drooping, have trouble pooping.
The golden years have come at last.
The golden years can kiss my arse!

 

[ozzydiodude]

HOUSE SEX When you're newly married and have sex all over the house, in every room

BEDROOM SEX After you,ve been married fr a while you just have sex in the bedroom

HALL SEX After you've been married for many,many years. you just pass each other in the hall and say," up your's"

 

[Dubbaman]

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,


"Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby.

"Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America "

The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America!"

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East. I am not American."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa."

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The African lady checks her watch and says,

"Probably at work."

 

[HippyInEngland]

An australian walks into a bar with
a pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar.

He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside.

Then the croc will close his
Mouth for one minute.

'Then he'll open his mouth
And I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this
Spectacle,
Each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar,
Dropped his trousers,
And placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.

The croc closed his mouth
As the crowd gasped.
After a minute,
The man grabbed a beer
bottle and smacked the
crocodile hard on the top of
its head.

The croc opened his mouth
And the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered,
And the first of his free
Drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A Blonde woman timidly
Spoke up..........
'I'll try it -
Just don't hit me so hard
with the beer bottle!'

 

[HippyInEngland]

A man got on the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

 

[HippyInEngland]

Artery The study of paintings
Bacteria Back door to cafeteria
Barium What doctors do when patients die
Benign What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section A neighbourhood in Rome
Catscan Searching for Kitty
Cauterize Made eye contact with her
Colic A sheep dog
Coma A punctuation mark
Dilate To live long
Enema Not a friend
Fester Quicker than someone else
Fibula A small lie
Impotent Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff A Doctor's cane
Morbid A higher offer
Nitrates Cheaper than day rates
Node I knew it
Outpatient A person who has fainted
Pelvis Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative A letter carrier
Recovery Room Place to do upholstery
Rectum Nearly killed him
Secretion Hiding something
Seizure Roman emperor
Tablet A small table
Terminal Illness Getting sick at the airport
Tumour One plus one more
Urine Opposite of you're out

 

[StoneyBud]

After so much plastic surgery, they've decided to just melt Michael Jackson down and make a Lego set out of him so that the kids can play with HIM.