Todays funny

[Dubbaman]

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.



So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."


"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.



"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered. "I'm going to have a beer."



The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries:Germany, Holland,Japan,India, etc.



The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know... they have frozen glasses.... "



He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.


The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be! right back. I promise. OK?"



"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.



"But my sweet honey... at the bar you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."



"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHEET! SIT YOUR DONKEY DOWN, SHUT THE BELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED DONKEY ISN'T GOING TO A DARNED BAR! THAT SHEET IS OVER, GOT IT, JOHNNY KNOXVILLE?"

 

[Dubbaman]

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.

Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

__________________________________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my
intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

__________________________________________________________________

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and

then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

________________________________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took
the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

________________________________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that
were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

________________________________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.

________________________________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take
to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

________________________________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks
him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'

________________________________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
bathing suits.. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had
even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

________________________________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive

clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning,

accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,

'Well, she's there.

 

[Dubbaman]

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,
'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a *****.....

 

[Dubbaman]

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date-rape-drug on the market called ' Beer' .

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'. In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

If you fall victim to this ' Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.


to see how beer works copy go here ----->.brackenspub.com/beer.swf

 

[Dubbaman]

There was this small church down in Texas that had a very big-busted Organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another Organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to Mash up some green Persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her not to eat any of the green Persimmons, though, 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while'.
She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said...



'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday.'

 

[Dubbaman]

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"

The doctor asked Patient #1, "What is Patient #2 was doing?"

Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb."

The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red. The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself."

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

 

[Dubbaman]

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist, who had prepared carefully for weeks, completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen before in my entire career."

 

[Dubbaman]

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most
of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told
her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for
her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he
realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.

'Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?
'Yes, they help me sleep at night.'
'Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these
that could possibly help you sleep!'

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.

'Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up
and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old
granddaughter drinks......And believe me, it
helps me sleep at night. ' You gotta love Grandma

 

[HippyInEngland]

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.


After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.


'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Easter party Saturday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00.'


'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.'


As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'


'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.


Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'


'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.'


'More 'n likely be some wild sex, too,'


'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'


'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'

 

[Dubbaman]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four
young Mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he
observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with
eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At th is point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took
her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Di-ck, this guy has
no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from
school and go get dinner."

 

[zipflip]

lol

 

[HippyInEngland]

THE LODGER

A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

'Mondays the best night, when my husband goes out to darts', she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday..

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.

She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home.

He didn't believe her so she said, 'Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself'.

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, 'Do you shave?'

'No', replied the girl. 'I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?'

'Oh yes', said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.

When the husband got back in she asked, 'Did you see it?'

'Yes', he said. 'But why the hell did you have to show her yours?'

'Why not?' she said. 'You've seen it all before.'

'I know', he said, 'but the darts team hadn't'!

 

[purplephazes]

How many men doe's it take to change a light bulb ?....none.. the world revolves around us

 

[purplephazes]

Q=why did the woman cross the road ..A=who cares whats she doin outta the kitchen

 

[purplephazes]

One day a fly was crusin along feelin a bit pekish and noticed a huge pile of poo ..so he stopped in for a meal after eating for an hour the sun started going down so he figured he should head home ! upon trying to take off he realised that he had eaten way to much to take off ! but he saw a shovel stuck in the poo and decided to climb up the handle to get a better take off point ..so he climbed all the way up the handle and tried to take off but just splattered onto the poo heap again....so.....whats the moral of this story.............dont go flyin off the handle when you are full of S#%T

 

[Dubbaman]

A blond is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner thigh. Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo and in that location.

She responds, 'It's really cool. If you put your left ear up against it, you can smell the ocean!'

 

[PencilHead]

Guy goes to the doctor, complains about getting fat. Says: Doc, I can't see my penis anymore. Doc says: You need to diet. Man asks: What color?

 

[purplephazes]

A boy was looking forward to his 1st day at his new primary school he was finally going to be in grade 3 his mummy packed his lunch and took him to school ..and just after play lunch he had to go to physical education. while in the changing rooms he looked around and noticed his ding-a-ling was much bigger than everyone elses. so upon arriving home he said mummy i have the biggest ding-a-ling in my whole class . and his mummy said well of course son you are 18 .

 

[Dubbaman]

FIRST DEGREE

A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blond wife picked up the phone, listened a moment, and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up The husband said, 'Who was that?'



The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'



SECOND DEGREE

Two blonds are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'



The second blond says, 'Here, let me see!'



So, the first blond hands her the compact.



The second blond looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'



THIRD DEGREE

A blond suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blond is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.



The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'



The blond replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'



FOURTH DEGREE

A blond was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me... I know 'em all.'



A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'



The blond replies, 'Oh, that's easy. Its W.'



FIFTH DEGREE

Q: What did the blond ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

A: 'Is it mine?'



SIXTH DEGREE

Bambi, a blond in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.



Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware .'



SEVENTH DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blond was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.



As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blond ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND COP!'

 

[Dubbaman]

Two tall trees,a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.A small tree begins to grow between them,and the beech says to the birch,'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling..The birch says,'Woodpecker,you are a tree expert.Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies,'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.It is,however,the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.'