Todays funny
- Thread starter Dubbaman
- Start date
Dubbaman
A few toke's a day.
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Sometimes...
when you cry...
no one sees your tears.
Sometimes..
when you are in pain...
no one sees your hurt.
Sometimes.
when you are worried..
no one sees your stress
Sometimes.
when you are happy..
no one sees your smile .
-
-
-
-
-
But FART !! just ONE time...
And everybody knows!!
when you cry...
no one sees your tears.
Sometimes..
when you are in pain...
no one sees your hurt.
Sometimes.
when you are worried..
no one sees your stress
Sometimes.
when you are happy..
no one sees your smile .
-
-
-
-
-
But FART !! just ONE time...
And everybody knows!!
Dubbaman
A few toke's a day.
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An attractive blond from Cork , Ireland arrived at the
casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a
single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude'.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an
Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES!
YES! I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered,
'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blonds are dumb,
but all men...are men.
casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a
single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude'.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an
Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES!
YES! I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered,
'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blonds are dumb,
but all men...are men.
Dubbaman
A few toke's a day.
- Joined
- Sep 1, 2007
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A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially
Buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blond
Genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy
Makes his three wishes and the blond genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by
50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the
House. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and
The floor is covered in $1,000 bills! Then, there's a knock at the door. ..
He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Klu Klux Klan
Outfits.. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb
And hang him by the neck until he's dead.
As the Klansman are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two
Blond genies. One blond genie says to the other one, 'I can understand the
First wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love
To. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire, but why he wanted
To be hung like a black man is beyond me...
Buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blond
Genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy
Makes his three wishes and the blond genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by
50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the
House. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and
The floor is covered in $1,000 bills! Then, there's a knock at the door. ..
He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Klu Klux Klan
Outfits.. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb
And hang him by the neck until he's dead.
As the Klansman are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two
Blond genies. One blond genie says to the other one, 'I can understand the
First wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love
To. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire, but why he wanted
To be hung like a black man is beyond me...
Dubbaman
A few toke's a day.
- Joined
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EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER
MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD > HIM . . . 'I've
got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody
under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink.
'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get
rid of those fears..'
'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
'I'll sleep on it,' I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street.
'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were
having?' he asked.
'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week
for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10.
I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and
bought me a new pickup!'
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I
ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under
there now!
SCREW THOSE SHRINKS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER
MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD > HIM . . . 'I've
got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody
under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink.
'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get
rid of those fears..'
'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
'I'll sleep on it,' I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street.
'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were
having?' he asked.
'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week
for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10.
I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and
bought me a new pickup!'
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I
ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under
there now!
SCREW THOSE SHRINKS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER
Dubbaman
A few toke's a day.
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A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start
and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 's hit!', the Rottweiler ate her!
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start
and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 's hit!', the Rottweiler ate her!
Dubbaman
A few toke's a day.
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Two Old Men Decide They Are Close To Their Last Days
And Decide To Have A Last Night On The Town.
After A Few Drinks, They End Up At The Local Brothel
The Madam Takes One Look At The Two Old Geezers
And Whispers To Her Manager, 'go Up To The First
Two Bedrooms And Put An Inflated Doll In Each Bed.
These Two Are So Old And Drunk, I'm Not Wasting
Two Of My Girls On Them. They Won't Know
The Difference.'
The Manager Does As He Is Told And The Two Old
Men Go Upstairs And Take Care Of Their Business.
As They Are Walking Home The First Man Says, 'you
Know, I Think My Girl Was Dead!'
'dead?' Says His Friend, 'why Do You Say That?'
'well , She Never Moved Or Made A Sound All The
Time I Was Loving Her.'
His Friend Says, 'could Be Worse I Think Mine Was
A Witch.'
'a Witch ??. . Why The Hell Would You Say That?'
'well, I Was Making Love To Her, Kissing Her On
The Neck, And I Gave Her A Little Bite, Then She
Farted And Flew Out The Window... Took My
Teeth With Her!'
And Decide To Have A Last Night On The Town.
After A Few Drinks, They End Up At The Local Brothel
The Madam Takes One Look At The Two Old Geezers
And Whispers To Her Manager, 'go Up To The First
Two Bedrooms And Put An Inflated Doll In Each Bed.
These Two Are So Old And Drunk, I'm Not Wasting
Two Of My Girls On Them. They Won't Know
The Difference.'
The Manager Does As He Is Told And The Two Old
Men Go Upstairs And Take Care Of Their Business.
As They Are Walking Home The First Man Says, 'you
Know, I Think My Girl Was Dead!'
'dead?' Says His Friend, 'why Do You Say That?'
'well , She Never Moved Or Made A Sound All The
Time I Was Loving Her.'
His Friend Says, 'could Be Worse I Think Mine Was
A Witch.'
'a Witch ??. . Why The Hell Would You Say That?'
'well, I Was Making Love To Her, Kissing Her On
The Neck, And I Gave Her A Little Bite, Then She
Farted And Flew Out The Window... Took My
Teeth With Her!'
TerrorAP2
You're so cool, Brewster!
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Yesterday was my birthday. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy birthday! " and possibly have a present for me. She barely said good morning, let alone "Happy birthday."I thought "Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So, when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane, said, "Good morning, Boss, and by the way, happy birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday. What do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said "Thanks, Jane, that's the best thing I've heard all day." We went to lunch, but we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office Jane said "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we? I responded "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner." After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back. "Ok," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday". And I just sat there on the couch..........naked!
HippyInEngland
Smoke Free Zone.
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Lady Rings Hospital
Lady - Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?
Hospital - Do you know which ward she is in?
Lady - Yes, ward P, room 2B
Hospital - I'll just put you through to the nurse station
Nurse - Hello ward P, how can I help?
Lady - I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?
Nurse - I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.
Lady - Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!
Nurse - You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?
Lady - No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you sod all in here...'
Lady - Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?
Hospital - Do you know which ward she is in?
Lady - Yes, ward P, room 2B
Hospital - I'll just put you through to the nurse station
Nurse - Hello ward P, how can I help?
Lady - I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?
Nurse - I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.
Lady - Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!
Nurse - You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?
Lady - No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you sod all in here...'
Dubbaman
A few toke's a day.
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I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old, in fact she wasn't too bad at all, and i found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a bit (well more than a bit) we had a snuggle, and she asked me if i ever had a "Sportsman's double?" Whats that? I asked. "Its a mother and daughter threesome". she said. "Oh" I said as my mind began to embrace the idea,"No, I haven't" And i wondered what this daughter of hers might look like.
We drank a bit more, then she says with a wink that tonight was 'my lucky night' I went back to her place. We walked in She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs
MOM YOU STILL AWAKE?
We drank a bit (well more than a bit) we had a snuggle, and she asked me if i ever had a "Sportsman's double?" Whats that? I asked. "Its a mother and daughter threesome". she said. "Oh" I said as my mind began to embrace the idea,"No, I haven't" And i wondered what this daughter of hers might look like.
We drank a bit more, then she says with a wink that tonight was 'my lucky night' I went back to her place. We walked in She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs
MOM YOU STILL AWAKE?
Dubbaman
A few toke's a day.
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1. Forget about knives, bats and fists. Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your friends who have guns. Bring four times the ammunition you think you could ever need.
2. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammunition is cheap - life is expensive. If you shoot inside, buckshot is your friend. A new wall is cheap - funerals are expensive
3. Only hits count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.
4. If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough or using cover correctly.
5. Move away from your attacker and go to cover. Distance is your friend. (Bulletproof cover and diagonal or lateral movement are preferred.)
6. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a semi or full-automatic long gun and a friend with a long gun.
7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
8. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running. Yell "Fire!" Why "Fire"? Cops will come with the Fire Department, sirens often scare off the bad guys, or at least cause then to lose concentration and will.... and who is going to summon help if you yell "Intruder," "Glock" or "Winchester?"
9. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the gun.
10. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
11. Always cheat, always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. Have a plan.
13. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work. "No battle plan ever survives 10 seconds past first contact with an enemy."
14. Use cover or concealment as much as possible, but remember, sheetrock walls and the like stop nothing but your pulse when bullets tear through them.
15. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
16. Don't drop your guard.
17. Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees. Practice reloading one-handed and off-hand shooting. That's how you live if hit in your "good" side.
18. Watch their hands. Hands kill. Smiles, frowns and other facial expressions don't (In God we trust. Everyone else keep your hands where I can see them.)
19. Decide NOW to always be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
20. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.
21. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet if necessary, because they may want to kill you.
22. Be courteous to everyone, overly friendly to no one.
23. Your number one option for personal security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.
24. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with anything smaller than "4".
25. Use a gun that works EVERY TIME. "All skill is in vain when an Angel blows the powder from the flintlock of your musket." At a practice session, throw you gun into the mud, then make sure it still works. You can clean it later.
26. Practice shooting in the dark, with someone shouting at you, when out of breath, etc.
27. Redardless of whether justified of not, you will feel sad about killing another human being. It is better to be sad than to be room temperatire.
28. The only thing you EVER say afterwards is, "He said he was going to kill me. I beleived him. I'm sorry, Officer, but I'm very upset now. I can't say anything more. Please speak with my attorney."
Rules For Un-armed Combat.
1: Never be unarmed.
2: If you have your hands, your feet, your mind and your Spirit as an American Soldier, Sailor, Airman, Marine or Coastie, you are never unarmed.
2. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammunition is cheap - life is expensive. If you shoot inside, buckshot is your friend. A new wall is cheap - funerals are expensive
3. Only hits count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.
4. If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough or using cover correctly.
5. Move away from your attacker and go to cover. Distance is your friend. (Bulletproof cover and diagonal or lateral movement are preferred.)
6. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a semi or full-automatic long gun and a friend with a long gun.
7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
8. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running. Yell "Fire!" Why "Fire"? Cops will come with the Fire Department, sirens often scare off the bad guys, or at least cause then to lose concentration and will.... and who is going to summon help if you yell "Intruder," "Glock" or "Winchester?"
9. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the gun.
10. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
11. Always cheat, always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. Have a plan.
13. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work. "No battle plan ever survives 10 seconds past first contact with an enemy."
14. Use cover or concealment as much as possible, but remember, sheetrock walls and the like stop nothing but your pulse when bullets tear through them.
15. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
16. Don't drop your guard.
17. Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees. Practice reloading one-handed and off-hand shooting. That's how you live if hit in your "good" side.
18. Watch their hands. Hands kill. Smiles, frowns and other facial expressions don't (In God we trust. Everyone else keep your hands where I can see them.)
19. Decide NOW to always be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
20. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.
21. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet if necessary, because they may want to kill you.
22. Be courteous to everyone, overly friendly to no one.
23. Your number one option for personal security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.
24. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with anything smaller than "4".
25. Use a gun that works EVERY TIME. "All skill is in vain when an Angel blows the powder from the flintlock of your musket." At a practice session, throw you gun into the mud, then make sure it still works. You can clean it later.
26. Practice shooting in the dark, with someone shouting at you, when out of breath, etc.
27. Redardless of whether justified of not, you will feel sad about killing another human being. It is better to be sad than to be room temperatire.
28. The only thing you EVER say afterwards is, "He said he was going to kill me. I beleived him. I'm sorry, Officer, but I'm very upset now. I can't say anything more. Please speak with my attorney."
Rules For Un-armed Combat.
1: Never be unarmed.
2: If you have your hands, your feet, your mind and your Spirit as an American Soldier, Sailor, Airman, Marine or Coastie, you are never unarmed.
HippyInEngland
Smoke Free Zone.
- Joined
- May 24, 2007
- Messages
- 8,624
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- 14,098
A Judge says to Mickey Mouse ..
"You cant divorce Minnie Mouse just because she is buck toothed.
Micky replies ..
I didnt say that, I said "she was f*cking Goofy"
eace:
"You cant divorce Minnie Mouse just because she is buck toothed.
Micky replies ..
I didnt say that, I said "she was f*cking Goofy"
eace:
growformama
Member
- Joined
- Feb 24, 2009
- Messages
- 12
- Reaction score
- 12
The early bird may get the worm...but the late mouse gets the cheese. Ponder that for a bit!
Marsrover1
---The Red Weed---
- Joined
- Feb 20, 2009
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the F.B.I had and opening for an assasin. After all the background checks, interviews were done there were 3 finalists 2 men and a woman.
For the first test an agent took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair kill her... The man said you cant be serious i cant kill my wife!!
The agent said then your not the right man for this job take your wife and go home. The second man was given the same instructions he took the gun and went into the room all was quiet for about 5 min. The man came out with tears in his eyes. I tried but i cant kill my wife. You dont have what it takes take your wife and go home...
Finally it was the womans turn, she was given the same instructions to kill her husband, she took the gun and went into the room. shots were heard one after the other, they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few mins all was quiet. The door opened there stood the woman wiping sweat from her brow..
This gun is loaded with blanks she said, i had to beat him to death with the chair :bong2:
For the first test an agent took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair kill her... The man said you cant be serious i cant kill my wife!!
The agent said then your not the right man for this job take your wife and go home. The second man was given the same instructions he took the gun and went into the room all was quiet for about 5 min. The man came out with tears in his eyes. I tried but i cant kill my wife. You dont have what it takes take your wife and go home...
Finally it was the womans turn, she was given the same instructions to kill her husband, she took the gun and went into the room. shots were heard one after the other, they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few mins all was quiet. The door opened there stood the woman wiping sweat from her brow..
This gun is loaded with blanks she said, i had to beat him to death with the chair :bong2:
Dubbaman
A few toke's a day.
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- Sep 1, 2007
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On the first day, God created dog and said: 'Sit by the door of your
house all day, and bark at anyone who comes in, or walks past. For this,
I will give you a life span of 20 years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
and I'll give you ten back?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people,
do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I will give you a 20 year life
span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for 20 years?? That's a pretty long
time to perform. How about I give you ten back like the dog?'
Again, God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the
field with the farmer all day long, and suffer under the sun. You must
also have calves, and give milk to support the farmers family. For this
I will give you a life span of 60 years.'
The cow said: 'That is a tough life, to live for 60 years! How about
20 and I'll give you the other 40 back??'
God agreed, once again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry
and enjoy your life. For this, I will give you 20 years.'
But man said: 'Only 20 years??? Could you possibly give me my 20, the
40 the cow gave back, the 10 monkey gave back, and the 10 that the dog
gave back; that'd make 80, okay?'
'Okay,' God said, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why the first 20 years of our life, we spend eating,
sleeping, playing, and enjoying life. For the next 40 years, we slave in
the sun to support our family. For the next 20 years we do monkey tricks
to entertain our grandchildren. And for the last 10 years of our life,
we sit on our porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you. We asked for it!
house all day, and bark at anyone who comes in, or walks past. For this,
I will give you a life span of 20 years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
and I'll give you ten back?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people,
do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I will give you a 20 year life
span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for 20 years?? That's a pretty long
time to perform. How about I give you ten back like the dog?'
Again, God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the
field with the farmer all day long, and suffer under the sun. You must
also have calves, and give milk to support the farmers family. For this
I will give you a life span of 60 years.'
The cow said: 'That is a tough life, to live for 60 years! How about
20 and I'll give you the other 40 back??'
God agreed, once again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry
and enjoy your life. For this, I will give you 20 years.'
But man said: 'Only 20 years??? Could you possibly give me my 20, the
40 the cow gave back, the 10 monkey gave back, and the 10 that the dog
gave back; that'd make 80, okay?'
'Okay,' God said, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why the first 20 years of our life, we spend eating,
sleeping, playing, and enjoying life. For the next 40 years, we slave in
the sun to support our family. For the next 20 years we do monkey tricks
to entertain our grandchildren. And for the last 10 years of our life,
we sit on our porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you. We asked for it!
Dubbaman
A few toke's a day.
- Joined
- Sep 1, 2007
- Messages
- 3,266
- Reaction score
- 3,768
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation
decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding
salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how
much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as
many gifts as He gives us'.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally
said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we
get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'
The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation
decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding
salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how
much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as
many gifts as He gives us'.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally
said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we
get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'
The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'
Hick
Git "R" lit
- Joined
- Apr 19, 2005
- Messages
- 12,839
- Reaction score
- 12,639
A Redneck Love Poem
Susie Lee Done Fell In Love,
She Planned To Marry Joe.
She Was So Happy 'bout It All,
She Told Her Pappy So.
Pappy Told Her, Susie Gal,
You'll Have To Find Another.
I'd Just As Soon Yo' Ma Don't Know,
But Joe Is Yo' Half Brother.
So Susie Put Aside Her Joe
And Planned To Marry Will.
But After Telling Pappy This,
He Said, 'there's Trouble Still.'
You Can't Marry Will, My Gal,
And Please Don't Tell Yo' Mother.
But Will And Joe, And Several Mo'
I Know Is Yo' Half Brother.
But Mama Knew And Said, My Child,
Just Do What Makes Yo' Happy.
Marry Will Or Marry Joe;
You Ain't No Kin To Pappy.
Susie Lee Done Fell In Love,
She Planned To Marry Joe.
She Was So Happy 'bout It All,
She Told Her Pappy So.
Pappy Told Her, Susie Gal,
You'll Have To Find Another.
I'd Just As Soon Yo' Ma Don't Know,
But Joe Is Yo' Half Brother.
So Susie Put Aside Her Joe
And Planned To Marry Will.
But After Telling Pappy This,
He Said, 'there's Trouble Still.'
You Can't Marry Will, My Gal,
And Please Don't Tell Yo' Mother.
But Will And Joe, And Several Mo'
I Know Is Yo' Half Brother.
But Mama Knew And Said, My Child,
Just Do What Makes Yo' Happy.
Marry Will Or Marry Joe;
You Ain't No Kin To Pappy.
Marsrover1
---The Red Weed---
- Joined
- Feb 20, 2009
- Messages
- 433
- Reaction score
- 234
a car was flying down the highway with a patrol car hot on his tail, he finly decided to pull over, the patrol officer came up to side of the car, said your in a heap of *@#$ boy unless you have a story i havent heard befor, the man thought fast, he said, sorry officer my wife ran off with a cop last week i thought you were him trying to give her back.. the patrol officer said, have a nice day sir and left.
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