Todays funny

[HippyInEngland]

Management Letter.

Dear Employees.

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SH!T (Special High Intensity Training) as possible.

Management has always prided itself on the amount of SH!T it gives employees.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SH!T, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor.

They have been trained to give you all the SH!T you can handle.

Sincerely

The Management.

 

[StoneyBud]

"Yes, that was very loud and smells really bad, but I SAID, I NEED TO HEAR YOUR HEART!"

 

[Dubbaman]

Dear Ask Andy,

I hope you can help me here.. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter. I am 41, my husband is 44, and the neighbor's daughter is 22.

We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Lost in Louisiana
******************************







Dear Lost:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,

Andy.

 

[PencilHead]

Blond gets pulled in Alabama; the trooper comes up to her window, asks if she's been drinking. She denies it but the trooper says she'll have to take a breath test, and zips down his pants, and....

So the blond is now in Georgia and gets pulled again. The GA trooper asks has she been drinking and she again denies it. The GA troop, just like his AL counter-part said, "Sorry, Ma'am, but you'll have to take a breathalizer test," and zips down his pants.

The blond says, "Wow, they've got the same breathalizers in Alabama.

 

[Sir_Tokie]

3 guys were out one day and came across a Gator farm. So they thought they would check it out. When entering the gates they noticed they were having a contest that day. So upon entering they went over to check it out, when they got over there this guy was explaining the rules of the contest. He says there's only 1 rule come out alive. The contest consist of someone getting onto a pool filled with 50 hungry gators and being able to swim from one end to the other without dying. The prize is you could collect $50'000 or collect a brand new Motor Home, do I have any takers he asked? The group was dead silent with no takers. The out of no where they heard a big SPLASH, all eyes turn towards the pool and there in the pool was 1 of the 3 men. Well as he is fighting and swimming, ripping and tearing he makes it to the other end of the pool and crawls out. Upon crawling out the manager runs up to him and asks what do you want the money or the motor home? The guy takes a minute to catch his breath and says All I want? All is want to know is WHO THE HELL PUSHED ME IN!!!!!!!!!!...take care..

 

[Dubbaman]

They're back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for church ladies with typewriters misspellings, bad sentence construction or choice of words all make for fun reading. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
------------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: "Jesus walks on the Water." The sermon tonight:
Searching for Jesus."
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: Break Forth into Joy."
----------------- -------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
---------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!

 

[Dubbaman]

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.
'WOW!' the social worker exclaims. 'Are they all yours?''
'Yep, they are all mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a
thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Leroy.' All the children rush to find seats.
'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'
'Well,to keep it simple, the boys are all named 'Leroy' and the girls are all named 'Leighroy.'
In disbelief, the case worker. 'Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?'
Their momma replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out
of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!'
an they all comes a runnin. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell
Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.'
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively,
'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'

'Then I call them by their last name.'

 

[IRISH]

^:rofl:

Two old women met downtown for coffee.
"did you come on the bus?" the first asked.
"yes," said the second, "but i made it look
like an asthma attack"...bb...

 

[IRISH]

"my boyfriend is going to die of syphilis," mumbled an angry
woman to her friend.
"no," her friend said, " people don't die
of syphilis anymore".
the woman replied, "they do when they give it to me"...bb...

 

[IRISH]

Three contractors were bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.
the first contractor said, "i figure the job will run about $900- $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

The second contractor announced, " i can do this job for $700- $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

The third contractor leaned over to the White House official, and whispered, $2,700."

the incredulous White House official asked him, "how did you come up with such a high figure?"

the contractor smiled, and said " $1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the second guy to fix the fence."...bb...

 

[Dubbaman]

BB are you in the zone on how the business of government contracts really work :rofl:

 

[Dubbaman]

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'.
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'For reading a book,' she replies,
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment..'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

 

[HippyInEngland]

A woman takes a very limp duck into a vets. She lays her pet on the table and the vet pulls out his stethoscope and listens to the
birds chest. After a moment or two, he shakes his head and says "I'm sorry, your pet is dead. The distressed woman wails, "Are you sure?".
"Yes I'm sure, the duck is dead." he replies

"How can you be so sure? " she protests. "I mean, you haven't done any testing-he might be in a coma or something." The vet rolls his
eyes, and leaves the room. He returns with a black Labrador. The ducks owner looks on in amazement as the dog stands on his hind
legs, puts his front paws on the table & sniffs the duck from top to bottom. He looks at the vet with sad eyes & shakes his head.

The vet pats the dog, takes it out & returns with a cat. The cat jumps on the table sniffs the bird from beak to tail & back, looks
at the vet, shakes it head, jumps down & leaves the room. The vet looks at the woman & says "I'm sorry, but this duck
is most definitely, 100%, certifiably, a dead duck. He turns to his computer, hits a few keys, & produces a bill. Still in shock, she takes the bill
"£450!" she cries. "That much to tell me the duck is dead."

The vet shrugs. "If you'd taken my word for it, it would have been £30, but with the lab report & the cat scan, well, it all adds up."

 

[StoneyBud]

Joe and Pete are fishing on the west bank of a new lake they've found. After most of the morning, not even a single bite.

They watch as a lady starts fishing on the opposite bank and she immediately starts pulling fish out like crazy! After pulling 20 fish from the lake, she leaves.

Well, Joe and Pete return the next morning and set up right where that lady pulled all the fish from.

Not a single bite all morning.

The same lady returns and sets up in the spot they had tried the day before. She starts pulling fish out by the dozens!

Pete and Joe decide they'll swallow their pride and ask.

The lady says: "When I wake, I check my Hubby's Tallywacker. If it's laying to the east, I fish the east side of the lake. If it's laying to the west, I fish the west side of the lake.

Joe and Pete look at each other and Joe asks "What if it's pointing straight up in the air?"

The lady replies: "Well in that case, I don't go fishing that morning"

 

[Dubbaman]

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is
this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...
Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding
up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?
Take a nap.







Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?
Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more
than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass
(green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your
recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.



Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit.

Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of
the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is
also made out of grain.

Bottoms up!



Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one
to one. If you have two bodies your ratio is two to one, etc.



Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No
Pain...Good!



Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!

..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact,
they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for
you?



Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft
around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.





Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy?

HELLO

Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food
around!





Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.





Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!





Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have
had about food and diets.





And remember:





'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to
skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other -
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a
Ride'









AND......





For those of you who watch what you eat , here's the final word
on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those
conflicting nutritional studies.





1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans.





2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
than Americans.





3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans.





4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans.





5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and
fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.





CONCLUSION





Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what
kills you. .............

 

[Dubbaman]

Many of us 'Old Folks' (those over 50, WAY over 50, or hovering near 50) are quite confused today about how we should present ourselves. Feeling 'young' , we try to conform to current fashions and present a youthful image.

Contrary to what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations

DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Miniskirts and support hose

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

6. Speedos and cellulite

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

10. Bikinis and liver spots

11. Mini skirts and varicose veins

12. Inline skates and a walker

And, most importantly:

At some point you have to give up the "DAISY DUKE" shorts

 

[Dubbaman]

A small zoo in West Virginia obtained a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500..00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:

"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.



"Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.



"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.



"Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.



"And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00.

 

[zipflip]

thats just wrong man... LOL

 

[PencilHead]

Like Zip says, that's just wrong on so many levels, but I do like the Southern Baptist part, I gotta say.

 

[cadlakmike1]

Two guys walk into a pub and sit down. The gentleman they're sitting next to has no one else near him and looks pretty glum so they ask him what's wrong?

He says "You see the bridge outside? I built that with my bare hands, but do they call me John the bridge builder? No. And you see that fence outside? I built it with my bare hands, but do they call me John the fence builder? No. Even this bar, I built it with my bare hands, but do they call me John the pub builder? No.....But you fu** one goat."