Todays funny

[Dubbaman]

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

 

[HippyInEngland]

Theft Problem - IMPORTANT MESSAGE:


You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys
removed by black-market organ thieves.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to
sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick. The
replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and
what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs.
Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans.
And then the thieves struck again.

My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to
match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my
new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I
realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favour of long skirts.
Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing
my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro
with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body
was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to me next?


When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck,
I decided to tell my story. Women of the world, wake up and smell the
coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts
-stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has something
lifted', look again - was it lifted from you?

THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere every night.

WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

P. S. Last year I thought some one had stolen my boobs. I was lying in bed
and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that
they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden
in my waistband.

These same thieves come in my closet and shrink my clothes! How do they do
it????
Thought this was too 'important' not to pass on. Have a wonderful day - with
a joy filled heart.

 

[Dubbaman]

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

 

[Dubbaman]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

 

[PencilHead]

Theft Problem - IMPORTANT MESSAGE:


You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys
removed by black-market organ thieves.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to
sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick. The
replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and
what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs.
Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans.
And then the thieves struck again.

My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to
match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my
new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I
realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favour of long skirts.
Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing
my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro
with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body
was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to me next?


When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck,
I decided to tell my story. Women of the world, wake up and smell the
coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts
-stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has something
lifted', look again - was it lifted from you?

THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere every night.

WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

P. S. Last year I thought some one had stolen my boobs. I was lying in bed
and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that
they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden
in my waistband.

These same thieves come in my closet and shrink my clothes! How do they do
it????
Thought this was too 'important' not to pass on. Have a wonderful day - with
a joy filled heart.

Same guys are stealing my hair and my eyesight.

 

[Dubbaman]

I recently had to get a new grill. The one i have has had about 6 years of use, and it has finally gotten on its last legs. The wife tells me your the one who cooks on it so pick which ever one you want and get it. I search and search for mans ultimate grilling machine and this is the one ive decided on!

 

[Dubbaman]

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

 

[HippyInEngland]

LOST


Two blokes, one old and one young , are pushing their carts around a huge DIY store when they collide.

The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.

'The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too.. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'

The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?'

The young guy says, 'Well, she's 24 yrs old, tall, with long blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs,

and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?'

The old guy says.... . 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for Yours.'

Most Old Guys are helpful like that.

 

[Dubbaman]

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?' A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!

 

[Dubbaman]

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.


He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

'That's a Daddy Long legs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Long legs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Long legs.'

'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat...

'Well, we're not having any of that gay **** in our garden' she said.

 

[Dubbaman]

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees,
I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,
Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?

So I replied,
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,
I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

 

[Sir_Tokie]

3 pregnant women were in the waiting room of the doctors office. A blond, a red head and a brunett. The red head looks at the brunett and says I hear if your on top then you will have a boy and the brunett says well i hear if your on the bottom you will have a girl. Then the blond starts to cry and ask the other women does this mean I'm going to have puppies?...take care..

 

[HippyInEngland]

The Bunny and the Snake

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake..
By coincidence both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny
was hopping through the forest and tripped over the snake
and fell down.

'Oh, my,' said the bunny, 'I'm
terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.
I've been blind since birth and can't see where I'm going. In fact, since
I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am.'

'That's ok,' replied the snake. 'Actually, I too, have been blind since
birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could
slitherall over you, and figure out what you are so you'll know.

'That would be wonderful' replied the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, 'Well, you're
covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose
twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you
must be a bunny rabbit.'

'Oh, thank you, thank you,' cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.
The bunny suggested to the
snake, 'Maybe I could feel you all over with my
paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me.'
So the bunny felt
the snake all over, and remarked, 'Well, you're smooth and
slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.
I'd say you must be a team leader, a supervisor or possibly someone
in senior management

 

[Dubbaman]

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.

He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. 'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole..'

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request..

'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole.' Once again he thanked her and re turned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?'

'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.

'No, I won't.

'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.'

With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool.

'See,' she said.. 'I knew you'd laugh!'

'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.'

 

[Dubbaman]

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, 'Is this a union house?'

'No,' she replied, 'I'm sorry it isn't.'

'Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?'

'The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,' she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, 'Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules.'

The man asked, 'And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?'

'The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.'

'That's more like it!' the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blond ...

'I'd like her,' he said.

'I'm sure you would, sir,' said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, 'but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next.'

 

[StoneyBud]

Just saw a member with the name "SheCallsHimThor" and it made me think of this one:

The Thunder God "Thor" was kickin back with his fellow Gods on Mount Olympus and after getting the Boss God Zeus by himself, explained; "Hey Zeus, it's been like 100 years since I've been with a lady and I need to go down among humans and get right!"

"Well, says Zeus, If you do, you HAVE to tell the lady that you're a God, because otherwise, she'll be ruined as a lover to any mortal man after making love to a God."

So, Thor is ready to agree to anything, so off to the land of Mortals he goes. He finds a great lady in a tavern and beds her for the night. They get it on in the Kitchen, the Living Room, the Hallway, The floor, Hanging from the Chandelier, the Stable, the Table, and the Wash Room.

The next morning, Thor tells her as instructed by Zeus, "Hey, I have to tell you; I'm Thor."

She responds with a lisp; "YOU think YOUR Thor!"

 

[Dubbaman]

How we raise kids

In West Virginia

Miss Sally Edwards

Is a highly esteemed

Third grade teacher at

Mercer County Elementary School.

In an effort to prepare her students

For the all-important TAKS test,

She compiled an exam

Consisting of 20 questions,

Which she administered

To her class last Tuesday.

The exam purposely covered

A broad array of topics.

I call your attention to question # 11, which simply read:

LIST, IN ANY ORDER, THE FOUR SEASONS:

1. ________ 2. ________ 3.________ 4. ________





Now, could you possibly imagine

That 67% of the students

Gave the following answer?



1. SQUIRREL SEASON

2. DEER SEASON

3. RABBIT SEASON

4. TURKEY SEASON

GOD BLESS West Virginia

 

[Hick]

After a field trip to the farm, a second grade teacher opened a discussion with the class.
"What all did you hear today at the farm children ?"
"quack quack quack" says one.
Mooooo" says another..
"Get off of the ******* tractor" says a third...

 

[Dubbaman]

The World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'

The girl said, 'NO!'

And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END

 

[StoneyBud]

I have Kleptomania,
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.