Todays funny

[HippyInEngland]

A guy goes to the supermarket & notices an attractive woman waving at

him. She says hello

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her

from. So he says, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful

to his wife & says, 'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor

party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies

watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?

'She looks into his eyes & says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.

 

[ArtVandolay]

A farmer gets into hus truck and drives over to his see his farmer buddy. When he gets there, he sees a pig with a wooden leg. He asked his farmer buddy "why does that pig have a wooden leg"?.

His farmer buddy said "That's a really smart pig. Few weeks ago, the house caught on fire. The pig ran in and woke everyone up and saved the whole family. Then, just last week, the little one fell and in the creek. The pig jumped in and grabbed him and pulled him to shore before he got washed downstream".

The farmer said "Wow! That IS a smart pig! But why does he have a wooden leg?"

"Well, a pig like that, you don't want to eat him all at once".

 

[SmokinMom]

:spit:

 

[cubby]

The retirement center was having thier annual summer ball. In the back room of the hall gladys and mabel were talking. mabel said to gladys "just once before I die I'm gonna' do something shocking". Gladys asked her "what are you gonna do? Mabel says "i'm gonna streak right trough the middle of that ball room". So she takes off all her clothes, yanks the door open and runs right trough the ball room. Two old men see her fly trough the room. One looks at the other and asks " was that Mabel" The second one says "I believe it was". The first asks " what was she wearing?" The second says "I don't know but it could do with a damb good ironing"

 

[Dubbaman]

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front
of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how
much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different
night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch
this.'
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen,
start your engines. '
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off
its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the
House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law
against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

 

[Dubbaman]

Mary was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long one, she stopped the Navajo woman and asked if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Mary tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman.
The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail,
until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Mary.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Mary looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine.
I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:




"GOOD TRADE"

 

[ArtVandolay]

Does anyone still get Benny Hill on tv?

 

[Sir_Tokie]

I loved watching Benny Hill growing up, But I have'nt seen an episode in like 10 yrs. Wish a channel in my area would start showing it again...take care..

 

[Dubbaman]

A blond woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blond.

The blond cop asked to see the blond driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

'What does it look like?' she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.

The blond officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'

 

[Dubbaman]

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the
bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream
is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that,
another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The
bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the
drunk is screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in
there?" he yells. "You're scaring my
customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet,"
slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush,
something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my
nuts."
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says,
"You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

 

[Dubbaman]

A koala was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a joint

when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,
"Hey Koala! What are you doing?"

The koala said, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.

After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was "dry" and that he was going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he
was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was
sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, "Hey you!"



So the koala looked down at him and said,

"Sheeeeeet dude...
How much water did you drink?!!"

 

[Dubbaman]

A guy walks into a doctor's office and stutters, "Da-da-doc, I've
ba-ba-been sta-sta-stuttering for ye-ye-years, and I ca-ca-can't
stand it anymo-mo-more! Can you he-he-help me?"

The doctor answers "Well, I'll have to give you a thorough examination
first, but in some cases there is a cure." So the doctor puts the guy
through a battery of tests, and says, "I think I know what's causing
your stuttering."

The guy excitedly asks, "Well, wa-wa-what is it, da-da-doctor?"

"It's your penis. I know that sounds crazy, but you have an unusually
large penis - it's almost two feet long. It seems the weight is
putting a strain on your vocal cords which most men never
have to deal with."

The guy asks, "Wa-wa-what can we da-da-do?"

"Well, we could remove it and transplant a shorter one."

"Dddd...Do it!" the guy replies.

So they go through the operation, and three weeks later the guy
comes in for a follow up appointment. He says, "Doc, you
solved my stuttering problem. I don't know how to thank you. But I've
only had sex once in three weeks - my wife just doesn't like it
anymore with my new, shorter penis. I've thought about it, and
I decided I can put up with the stuttering easier than going
without the sex - I want you to put my long one back on."

The doctor says, "Nnnnno-no-nope. A da-da-deal's a da-da-deal!"

 

[HippyInEngland]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.....but at least that ***** knows I'm smarter than her.

eace:

 

[Dubbaman]

After living in Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly
decided it was time to visit the big city .

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.
Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image
staring back at him, 'How about that! Here's a
picture of my daddy.'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his
daddy, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't
like his father, so he hung it in the barn, and every
morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and
look at it..

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the
barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn
and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's
the ugly ***** he's runnin' around with.'

 

[HippyInEngland]

Zen Teachings

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow... In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any..

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique.... Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our *** ... then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

 

[HippyInEngland]

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee
and, as she bends over to place her ball,
a gust of wind blows her skirt up and
reveals her lack of underwear. Good God,
Woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?',
Ole demanded. 'Well, you don't give me
enough housekeeping money to afford
Any.' The Swede immediately reaches into
his pocket and says, 'For the sake of
decency, here's a 50 kroner . Go and buy
yourself some underwear.'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to
set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows
up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.
'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've
no knickers. Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the
money you give me.' Patrick reaches into
his pocket and says , 'For the sake of
decency, here's a £20. Go and buy yourself
some underwear!'

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over.
The wind also takes her skirt over her
head to reveal that she, too, is naked
under it 'Jings Crivens an Helpmaboab, Aggie!
Whaur the the hell ur yer breeks?' She
too explains, 'You dinna gee-me enough
money ta be able ta afford ony. The
Scotsman reaches into his pocket and
says, 'Well, fur the love 'o Goad,
here's a comb... Tidy yersell up a bit.

 

[Dubbaman]

Man who run in

Front of car get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run behind

Car get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with one

Chopstick go hungry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who scratch ***

Should not bite fingernails.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many

Prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baseball is wrong:

Man with four balls cannot walk..

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not

Determine who is right, war determine who is

Left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put

Husband in doghouse soon find him in

Cathouse.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fight with

Wife all day get no piece at night....

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It take many nails

To build crib, but one screw to fill it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like

Hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in

Glass house should change clothes in

Basement.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in

Other man's well often catch crabs....

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator

Smell different to midget.

 

[Dubbaman]

Just some bumper stickers that could be

 

[Dubbaman]

more

 

[cubby]

What did the bind man say when he passed by the fish market?
Good morning Ladies....