Todays funny

[Dubbaman]

A girl asks her
boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet & have dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out & make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time & the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms & sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.



The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time & all.



That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house & meets his girlfriend at the door.
'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'



The boy goes inside & is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace & bows his head. A minute passes & the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.



10 minutes pass & still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over & whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'



The boy turns & whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

 

[Dubbaman]

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.
The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.
'Yeah right!' she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual.. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.
Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly.
The woman thinks "maybe the ribbon might work on him." So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

In the morning, the husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.
He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, 'I don't know where we were ... or what we did .. but, by God, we took first and second place.'

 

[HippyInEngland]

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull Elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The Elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the Elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The Elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the Elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Peter never forgot that Elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the Elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.

The large bull Elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.

The Elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same Elephant.

Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the Elephant and stared back in wonder.

The Elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same Elephant.

 

[xxdjbud420xx]

I seriously thought it was gonna have a happy ending and true. lmao

 

[jungle]

There were these three ducks wanting to land so the lead duck took them to a set of decoys in some water and by some brush.....Just as they are about to land, Hunters fired there shotguns at them and the last 2 ducks were shot and killed. The lead duck thought for a moment and then said "thank God the last time we tried to land I didn't think I would ever hear the end of it"

We are a cloned version of the fallen angels placed in a world and given the bible. Many intergalactic entities hang out here, not telling us the truth.

Tatankra

This Genetical transformation stays 1 step ahaed of us, but YOU can tap into the realm of truths by ordering "JUNGLES GARDEN" By Hermie

 

[Dubbaman]

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy-),

'I have an idea.. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.

 

[Dubbaman]

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. Her dog and her cat are pulling the wagon. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.

'That sure is a nice fire truck' he said with admiration.

'Thanks' the little girl said. The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little Partner', the fire fighter says, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar instead of its testicles, I think it could run faster.'

The little girl replies thoughtfully, '
"Yeah, You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

 

[HippyInEngland]

The following are all replies that Manchester women have, allegedly, written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing "father's details;" or putting it another way....


Who's the Daddy?


1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins,
Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am
Unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but
I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my
Child as I was being sick out of a window when taken
unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list
of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little
Girl. She was conceived at a party at ** East Bolton Avenue where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do
remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you
do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my
daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW Service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man.. I am still a
Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope
Confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate
And that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he
Informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that
would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country . Please advise.

7.Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do
catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my
AC/DC CDs? Child B, who was also borned at the same time....
Well, I don't have clue.

8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was
conceived at Euro-Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

9. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing
that I remember for sure is Gordon Ramsey did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 56 Miller St , mine might have remained unfertilized.

10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my
baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you
can't be sure which one made you fart.

 

[HippyInEngland]

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.



2. A set of jump leads walk into a bar.
The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'



3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.



4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.



5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:
'A beer please, and one for the road.'



6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
'Does this taste funny to you ?'



7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'
'Is it common ?'
'Well, It's Not Unusual.'




8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'
'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.
'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.


9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.




10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.



11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.



12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs !'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !'





13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.




14. What do you call a fish with no eyes ?
A fsh.



15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, 'Dam !'




16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft.
It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.




17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel,and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.
'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'





18. A woman has twins, and gives them
up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.'
The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.'
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture,
she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture
of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

 

[TerrorAP2]

:laugh: Those are so cheesy, and yet I couldn't help but laugh at them

 

[IRISH]

really liked the pharmacist tag dub. laughed my banjo-butt off...bb... ...

 

[Dubbaman]

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!


Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.


Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

'What the hell was I thinking?'





Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.





How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?



I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.


I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.


As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.




Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.




Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )




Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!




When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.




We have been friends for a very long time .

let's say we stop?




I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.




Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?




Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.




So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay

 

[TerrorAP2]

:laugh: It just doesn't end!

I have one:
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again "Nurse, please check, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand, and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says "There's nothing wrong with them, sir!" The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly "Thank you very much, that was wonderful, but listen very, very closely: "Are my test results back?"

 

[Dubbaman]

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.






Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied. 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own damn blanket.'

After a moment of silence, .......................he farted.

 

[TerrorAP2]

:rofl:

 

[Dubbaman]

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive
double-pane energy efficient kind . Today, I got a call from
the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had
been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo, just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically
stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told ME
last year, namely, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for
themselves! Hellloooo? It's been a year! (I told him.)

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just
hung up.... He never called back. Guess I won that stupid argument.

I bet he felt like an idiot.

 

[TerrorAP2]

The funny thing is, is that I know some girls just like that.

 

[Dubbaman]

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of
carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with big gift certificate envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine
imported cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific
fishing lures.

At each of the houses along his route, he was met with
congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values.

At the final house he was met at the door
by a strikingly beautiful young blond
in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand,
gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where they had
a most passionate liaison.

Afterwords, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant
breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and
fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured hi m a cup of steaming
coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from
under the cup's bottom edge. '...All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, ......but what's the dollar for?'

'Well,' she said, 'last night, I told my husband
that today would be your last day ...and that we should do
something special for you.
I asked him what to give you?'
He said, "...Screw him ........give him a dollar."

The blonde then blushed and said, '....But the breakfast was my idea.'

 

[HippyInEngland]

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a
preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and
subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is
almost overcome by the smell of booze.
Whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in
the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found
Jesus ?'

The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.' The preacher, shocked at the answer,
dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls
him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the
water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him
up. The preacher asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have you
found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,



'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

 

[Dubbaman]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Alabama and he
sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I
wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up
for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering
near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some
incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.