Corny jokes

[ozzydiodude]

:confused2: Beaver is only good for sushi :laugh:

 

[BackWoodsDrifter]

Yual be readin from m dictionary thing gain lol there some funny in there fur sur!

BWD

 

[BackWoodsDrifter]

:confused2: Beaver is only good for sushi :laugh:

Mmmm I like me beaver :hubba: :icon_smile:

BWD

 

[ozzydiodude]

This Irishman walk out of a bar


no wait it can happen

 

[YYZ Skinhead]

What do you call a thousand Angelenos on the bottom of the Pacific?

A good start. (Arizona Bay FTW.)

 

[ozzydiodude]

What do you call a cow who's lost a child?
Decaffeinated.

 

[Irish]

the fight we had last night was my fault...my wife asked what was on the tv and i said dust...

 

[Irish]

hick, ozzy, and bwd were driving along in thier pickup when they saw a sheep caught in a fence.

ozzy said, ''i wish that was sharon stone''...

bwd said, ''i wish that was demi moore''...

hick sighed and said, ''i wish it was dark''...

 

[ozzydiodude]

:rofl:You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Irish again.

 

[SmokinMom]

Lmao loving these

If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
Missle toe

 

[BackWoodsDrifter]

And how and why do women I here get camel toe? Is it from bein close to camels

BWD

 

[Slowlyburn]

What do you call an alien with 3 balls?


E.T. Extra Testicle

 

[SPEARCHUCKER]

One I got off a Popsicle while ago.

Why was the rock so stubborn?
Cause he was hard headed.

 

[ozzydiodude]

I love this Doctor

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little big around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks

than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

[ston-loc]

:rofl: X1,000,000

 

[SmokinMom]

Two men walked into a bar. The third one ducked

Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted.

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? Dam!

 

[7greeneyes]

Question: What is the difference between politicians and stoners ?
Answer: Politicians don’t inhale…they just suck.

 

[7greeneyes]

Question: How do you get a one armed hippie out of a tree ?
Answer: You pass him a joint.

 

[7greeneyes]

Question: Hear about the stoner who put his condom on backwards ?
Answer: He went

 

[SmokinMom]

What's brown and sticky? a stick

Did you hear about the guy who got sliced up on his left side? He's all right now.

Two men walk into a bar. One says, "I'll have some H2O, please." The other says "I'll have some H2O too, please." And he died.