Todays funny

[Bella420]

[FONT=tahoma,sans-serif]A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy 2
servings per day, and a few more on weekends, I consume 3,500 calories
of chocolate in a week which equals one pound of weight per week.

Therefore...
In the last 20 years, I have had a chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and yet I only weigh 165 pounds, so without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago!

I owe my life to chocolate.

[/FONT]

 

[Dubbaman]

The Medical Distinction between Guts and Balls -

We've all heard about people "having guts" or "having balls".
But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort
to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys,
being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you
still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys,
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife
on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."



I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome....as both
ultimately result in death.

 

[Hick]

A self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

'You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,’ the student said; loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. 'The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, and man walking on the moon. Our space probes have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, ships and electric and hydrogen cars, cell phones,computers with light-speed processing...and more.'

After a brief silence, the senior citizen responded as follows: 'You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little ****, what are you doing for the next generation?'

 

[Dubbaman]

:rofl:

 

[Richy-B]

A self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

'You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,’ the student said; loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. 'The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, and man walking on the moon. Our space probes have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, ships and electric and hydrogen cars, cell phones,computers with light-speed processing...and more.'

After a brief silence, the senior citizen responded as follows: 'You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little ****, what are you doing for the next generation?'

Ha, ha. LOL That's true too! We bring you AF's. The future!

 

[John Public]

That was a long and funny read ! :rofl:

Thank you to all contributors

 

[Dubbaman]

1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

2. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

3. A penny saved is a government oversight.

4. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

5. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

6. He who hesitates is probably right.

7. Did you ever notice: The Roman Numeral for fifty (50) is ' L'?

8. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

9. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

10. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

11. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

12. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs?'

13. Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

14. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

 

[Ilikebigbuds]

Dubbaman

1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

2. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

3. A penny saved is a government oversight.

4. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

5. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

6. He who hesitates is probably right.

7. Did you ever notice: The Roman Numeral for fifty (50) is ' L'?

8. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

9. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

10. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

11. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

12. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs?'

13. Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

14. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

 

[Ilikebigbuds]

sorry guys, I dont get out much!

 

[Dubbaman]

Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone
Else To Hold The Vegetables While You Chop.

Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat By
Using The Sink.

For High Blood Pressure Sufferers ~ Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed For A Few Minutes, Thus Reducing The Pressure On Your Veins. Remember To Use A Timer.

A Mouse Trap Placed On Top Of Your Alarm Clock Will Prevent You From Rolling Over And Going Back To Sleep After You Hit The Snooze Button.

If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. You'll Be
Afraid To Cough.

You Only Need Two Tools In Life - Wd-40 And Duct Tape. If It Doesn't
Move And Should, Use The Wd-40. If It Shouldn't Move And Does, Use
The Duct Tape.

If You Can't Fix It With A Hammer, You've Got An Electrical Problem.

Daily Thought: Some People Are Like Slinkies - Not Really Good For
Anything But They Bring A Smile To Your Face When Pushed Down The
Stairs

 

[HippyInEngland]

Just a quickie.

 

[HippyInEngland]

Dear Thorsby School:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon.
I am 84 years old and live at the Sunnybrook Assisted Home for the Aged.
My family have all passed away and I am alone so thank you for your kindness to a forgotten old lady.
My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.



She asked if she could listen to mine but I told her to feck off.

Thank you for that opportunity.


Sincerely,


Edna.

 

[Dubbaman]

:yeahthat: i love that one havent seen it in a while but its great the gif of the old woman in the chair with her tunes on is great.

 

[Dubbaman]

'Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who
has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was,
since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the
worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children,
are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens
suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher
fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could
not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have
an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses;
and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common
Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar
in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in
her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death,

by his parents, Truth and Trust

his wife, Discretion

his daughter, Responsibility

his son, Reason

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;

I Know My Rights

I Want It Now

Someone Else Is To Blame

I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

 

[Sebstarr]

Thats the saddest Joke I've ever heard... but its true. ^^^

The world has gone mad.

And thats why I raise my 2 fingers to it.

 

[jeffca]

A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.


An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. After listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.


Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room. "What's wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!"


The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said: "Does she still have the hiccups?

i read this twice, i don't get it it's probably hella obvious but i just dont get it.

 

[Dubbaman]

i read this twice, i don't get it it's probably hella obvious but i just dont get it.

THe Dr scared her by telling her she was prego to get rid of the hiccups

 

[benamucc]

:rofl:

 

[Dubbaman]

An old Italian lived alone in Chicago . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm justgetting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you wouldbe happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie
At 4 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding anybodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie

 

[benamucc]

A rope walks into a bar one day to get a drink. The bartender walks up to the rope, and asks "Hey, are you a rope?" to which the rope simply replied "Yes I am." The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve ropes in here, you're going to have to leave." The rope was baffled by this, but obeyed the bartenders request, and retreated to the parking lot. After a minute of contemplating the situation the rope did a few quick yoga stretches, mussed up his hair, and returned to the bar. The bartender once again approched him and asked "Hey, aren't you that rope that was just in here?" To which the rope replied..."No, I'm a frayed knot. So how bout a drink?"