Todays funny

[Dubbaman]

A little girl asked her father, "How did the human race appear?"

The father answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so
was all mankind made."

"Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question. The mother answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

"The confused girl returned to her father and said, "Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mama said they developed from monkeys?"

The father answered, "Well, dear, it is very
simple. I told you about my side of the family and your Mama told you about hers."

 

[smokybear]

Lol. Very nice. Take care and be safe.

 

[Dubbaman]

Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston . After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they' re too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.


The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00!

When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager..


The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

'But we didn't use them,' the man complains.


'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.


'But we didn't go to any of those shows, 'complains the man again.


'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies


No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!'


The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. 'But sir,' he says, this check is only made out for $50.00.'


'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.'


'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.


'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have.'

 

[4u2sm0ke]

:rofl: ..That is too funny..Thanks Dubbaman for the chuckle

 

[Dubbaman]

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to
change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into
Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The
policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.

The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly
asked the man, 'Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day
was going when you died.'

No problem, the man said. 'I came home to my 25th-floor
apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover
was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife
was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.

Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto
the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by
his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the
balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground.

But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes
that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more.
In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I
could get my hands on to throw at him.

Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator.

I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it
over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!

The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.'

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy
did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced,
'OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven' and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was Donald Trump.

'Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what
your day was like when you died.'

Trump said, 'No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I
was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises.
I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to
relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and
accidentally fell over the side!

Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the
balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out
of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of
course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my
fall, so I didn't die right away.As I'm laying there face up on the ground , unable to move and in excruciating pain,I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things,off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me,
killing me instantly.'

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story.

'I could get used to this new policy,' he thinks to himself.

'Very well,' the Angel announces. 'Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven' and he lets Trump enter.

A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. TheAngel is almost too shocked to speak.

Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head.

Finallyhe says, 'Mr.President, please tell me what it was like the day you died.'

Clinton says, 'OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator...

 

[Hick]

There is always two ways to look at everything:

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink, as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asks, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed. 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife....'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

Now you see, there really are two ways to look at everything.

 

[Dubbaman]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick His wife Marsha has long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day, John came home about noon and told Marsha that he had gone to a nearby city and purchased a Robot. It was no ordinary robot, but it was in fact a Lie Detector. He said it had to charge 4 or 5 hours, and then he would show her how it worked.

At 5:30 that afternoon, Tommy, their 11 year old son, came in from school, nearly 2 hours and 15 minutes late. Both parents were understandably angry.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they asked.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.

The Robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'

'What did you watch?', asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.'

The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents, never tried to see dirty pictures much less dirty movies, told dirty jokes, nor did I misbehave.'

The robot walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that not only knocked him out of his chair, but out the back door and half way across the patio.

When he came back inside, Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your son!'

The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and literally slapped the snot out of her, not once, but three times.

 

[Dubbaman]

Proof That The World Is Nuts

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.





(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than "going blind!")
* ~ *~*~* ~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside And deflower young virgins, who pay Them for the privilege of having sex For the first time

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there Any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*




In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.



The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.


(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*




In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

(Is this a great country or what?



Well, not as great as Guam !)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses



150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and Always falls over on its right side



When intoxicated.



(From drinking little bottles of???)

(Did the government pay For this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet

(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains

(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts.


(And I thought I had bad Breath in the morning)

 

[Dubbaman]

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

1. Sag, you're It.

2. Hide and go pee.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says - something incoherent.

8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE :

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN:

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go a long.

3. Getting a little action means you don't need fiber today.

4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

Thoughts for the weekend:

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr- Alt- Delete' and start all over?

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called 'labor!'

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Ponderisms

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

But Most Of All, Remember!

A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra: Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!

 

[HydroManiac]

Guam woman pay to lose there virginty THAT IS CRAZY CRAZY I TELL U!!

 

[Dubbaman]

 

[Dubbaman]

The funniest Staff Meeting Ever!



The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.



The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.



About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:



10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!



9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.



8. Viagra, like a rock !



7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.



6 Viagra, Be all that you can be.



5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.



4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.



3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!



2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!



And the unanimous number one slogan:



1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.

 

[Dubbaman]

"We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other liberal bed-wetters. We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights."



ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc.; but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.


ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful; do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

(This one is my pet peeve...get an education and go to work.... don't expect everyone else to take care of you!)

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful. (AMEN!)

ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you are from, English is our language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came from!
(Lastly....)

ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to change our country's history or heritage. This country was founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable with it, TOUGH!

The preceding has been attributed to State Representative Mitchell Kaye from GA. This guy should run for President one day...

If you agree, share this with a friend. No, you don't have to, and nothing tragic will befall you if you don't. I just think it's about time common sense is allowed to flourish. Sensible people of the United States speak out because if you do not, who will?

 

[trillions of atoms]

i love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Dubbaman]

A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, 'You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'

The cowboy replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.'

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.'

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

'Oh, no, everybody's just fine, ' he explains, 'It's jus t that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.'

'Hasn't affected my brothers though.'

 

[Dubbaman]

A husband and wife are shopping in Wal Mart when the man picks up a
case of Budweiser and puts them into the shopping cart.
'What do you think you're doing?'asks his wife.
'They're on sale, only $15 for 24 cans,' he says,
'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping ...
A few aisles later the woman picks up a $30 jar of face cream and sticks it into the shopping cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says. The man
replies...'so does 24 cans of Budweiser, and it's only half the price!!!'


Sorry to say my wife then hit me and bought 2 jars of the cream

 

[pothead]

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own, and went to the lobby to
put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out
of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at
the
young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her
robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The
poor
kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to
my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against
it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him,
"What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts;
they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm
and
solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the
best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered ...."Outside, when you said you heard
someone coming.........That was me."

HAHA I TOTALLY GET IT!!!!!!!! LOL!!!!!!! :rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

 

[Dubbaman]

This installment of todays funny is in no way ment to disrespect anyone in anyform this is all very true of how one (or more) people think about the subject of how the weather is told to others. Ive also cleaned up the language a bit.


Black hurricanes....

Well, it appears our African-American friends have found yet something
else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman (this would be Sheila
Jackson Lee, of Houston ), reportedly complained that the names of
hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names.

She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such
as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal. I am NOT making
this up!

She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in 'language'
that street people can understand because one of the problems that
happened in New Orleans was, that black people couldn't understand the
seriousness of the situation, due to the racially biased language of
the weather report.

I guess if the weather person says that the winds are going to blow at
140+ MPH, that's too hard to understand

I can hear it now: A weatherman in New Orleans says...

Wazzup, (bad word for your dad)! Hehr-i-cane
Chamiqua be headin' fo ' yo a(rump) like Leroy on a crotch rocket!
(female dog) be a category fo'! So, turn off dem chitlins, grab yo' chirren,
leave yo crib, and head fo' de nea rest FEMA office fo yo FREE S-word!

 

[godspeedsuckah]

LMAO, and I believe this to be true.

 

[Dubbaman]

I recently chose a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?'

'No,' I replied. 'I don't do drugs, either. '

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

I said, 'No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, fishing or relaxing on the beach?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said. 'I don't do any of those things.'

Then he looked at me and asked, 'Then why do you care?'