Todays funny

[HippyInEngland]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honour their secret.

After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.

He looked more handsome than he ever had before!

All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.

He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'

'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'

 

[HippyInEngland]

A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday.

He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?' She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'

'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.' 'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'

'But, where did you get the tools?'

'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools
to make the hardware..'

The guy is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at  a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'

'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave?


There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet.'

No longer questioning anything, the man goes to the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely.

There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes..

He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....




Bloody hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports as well !

 

[oltomnoddy]

I'd have her feet pointed towards the sky. :hubba:

 

[Dubbaman]

One winter morning a husband and wife in northern Minnesota were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer Say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplows can get through."

So the good wife went out and moved her car... A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so The snowplows can get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." Then the electric power went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."

 

[Dubbaman]

Five rules for men to follow for a happy life:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to
time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to
you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with
you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women not know each other...

Signed



Tiger Woods

 

[HippyInEngland]

A papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole, all live together in a little mole hole.

One day, papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said, 'Yum! I smell maple syrup!'

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said, 'Oh, Yum! I smell honey!'

Now baby mole is trying to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way.

This makes him whine, 'Geez, all I can smell is....

MOLASSES !

 

[ArtVandolay]

Did you hear about the two blondes that froze to death at the drive-in?

They went to see Closed for the Winter.

 

[HippyInEngland]

Glasgow Wedding

Two Glasgow young men, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub
discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.

"Ach, it's all going like magic," says Jock.
"I've got everything organized already - the flowers, the
Church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma
stag night...."

Archie nods approvingly. "Man, I've even bought a kilt to be married
in!" continues Jock.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's great , you'll look pure smart
in that! And what's the tartan?"

"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white."

 

[wmmeyer]

A passenger plane crashes in the ocean. The survivors washed up on a deserted island. There were only 3, all women, and of course, a blond, a brunette, and a redhead. They were walking along the shore one day, and found the typical magic bottle with a genie inside. They opened the bottle and the genie told them "Normally I grant three wished under these circumstances, but since there are three of you, I'll give each of you one wish."

They all think about it for awhile, and the brunette decides to go first. She says "I wish my boyfriend would drive up, pick me up and drive me home." The genie nods his head, and off in the distance, they could see a bridge magically forming over the ocean. The girl's boyfriend drives up in his shiny Mustang, plants a big kiss on her, and zooms off back over the bridge.

The redhead says "I wish a knight in shining armor would come and get me and take me home." The genie nods his head, there is a clap of thunder, and a knight in shining armor riding a huge white horse descends out of the clouds. He reaches down, pulls the redhead up in the saddle behind him, and the horse takes them back into the clouds.

The genie looks at the blond and says "OK, you're up." The blond has been watching all this, and is almost speechless. Finally she claps her hands and says "Oh, this is all so exciting. I'm so happy. I wish my friends were here."

 

[Cowboy]

1. Stay Out of Trouble.



2. Aim For Greater Heights.



3. Stay Focused On The Job.



4. Exercise To Maintain Good Health.



5. Practice Team Work.



6. Rely on your trusted partner to watch your back. Take your time trusting others.



7. Save for rainy days.



8. Rest and relax.



9. Always take time to smile.



AND

10. Realize that nothing is impossible.

 

[HippyInEngland]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall for the first time.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'


The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have
never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to
his son.....

'Go get your mother.'

 

[oltomnoddy]

Nothing funny in the last 4 days?

 

[diablo_cannabis]

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas and
talked with an old rancher. He told the
rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for
illegally grown drugs." The rancher said,
"Okay, but do not go in that field over there,"
as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying,
"Mister, I have the authority of the Federal
Government with me." Reaching into his rear
pant's pocket, he removed his badge and proudly
displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?
This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I
wish . . . On any land. No questions asked or
answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you
understand?"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and
went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud
screams and saw the DEA officer running for his
life chased by the rancher's big Santa
Gertrudis bull.

With every step the bull was gaining
ground on the officer and it seemed
likely that he would be gored before he
reached safety. The officer was clearly
terrified. The rancher threw down his
tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the
top of his lungs. . ."Your badge. Show him your BADGE!"

 

[diablo_cannabis]

PONDERISMS

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people
die of natural causes.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks
about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle

 

[HippyInEngland]

A Londoner parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.

As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught, the Londoner grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.

'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Londoners are,' he
Says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'

The Londoner looks down in horror.

'FREAKING HELL!' he screams........'Where's my Rolex????... .

 

[ozzydiodude]

The Blonde And The Farmer

The old farmer was having a pretty bad year. All of his crops had been lost. Fortunately, the peach orchard had done really well. The only way he was going to make it financially was to cut out the middleman and sell the peaches directly to the consumer. So he loaded his pickup with peaches and headed to town.

Just on the outskirts of town he came to a house. So he took a basket of peaches and went up and knocked on the door. A gorgeous blonde in a sheer robe answered the door. In a sexy voice she said, "Hi, Honey, what can I do for you?"

Quite shaken, the old farmer muttered, "I have these here really nice peaches for sale."

The blonde, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit. So she opened the top of her robe showing her breasts. She said, "Are those peaches full and firm like these?"

Very shaken, he managed to whisper, "Oh yes, they're really good peaches."

So she opened the rest of her robe, showing she had on no panties. She teased, "Would they be succulent and delicious like this?"

The old farmer mumbled, and then broke down crying, and said, "Oh yes, they're wonderful peaches."

She said, "Well, honey, why on earth are you crying?"

The old farmer whimpered "Lady, the cut worms ruined my tomato crop and the weevils ate all my cotton and now I think you're gonna screw me out of my peaches."

 

[oltomnoddy]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. [FONT=Tahoma,sans-serif]He'd toss them in [/FONT][FONT=Tahoma,sans-serif]the air and then catch them in his mouth.[/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma,sans-serif]In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. [/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma,sans-serif]He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, [/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma,sans-serif]and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.[/FONT]

[FONT=Tahoma,sans-serif]As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, [/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma,sans-serif]their [/FONT][FONT=Tahoma,sans-serif]daughter's date said he [/FONT][FONT=Tahoma,sans-serif]could get the peanut out. [/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma,sans-serif]The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. [/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma,sans-serif]When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.[/FONT]

[FONT=Tahoma,sans-serif]The young man insisted that it was nothing. [/FONT][FONT=Tahoma,sans-serif]Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? [/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma,sans-serif]What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?'[/FONT]

[FONT=Tahoma,sans-serif]The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, I'd say [/FONT][FONT=Tahoma,sans-serif]your son-in-law.'[/FONT]

 

[HippyInEngland]

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out,

"Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

"Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

"Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

"So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,

"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

"Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

"So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,

"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

"Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

"Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help!"

"My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

"To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"

 

[Aldebaran]

Friedrich Nietzsche ....well .....he's as thick as he is rich.. An Atheist

philosopher..

What an Oxymoron...

Got any Franz Kafka on the agenda diablo____cannabis

or maybe some Hitler Quotes following....

 

[Aldebaran]

Nietzsche

On January 3, 1889, Nietzsche finally suffered a mental collapse. Two policemen approached him after he caused a public disturbance in the streets of Turin. What actually happened remains unknown, but the often-repeated tale states that Nietzsche witnessed the whipping of a horse at the other end of the Piazza Carlo Alberto, ran to the horse, threw his arms up around its neck to protect the horse, and then collapsed to the ground.