Todays funny

[HippyInEngland]

The Power of the Badge.....



DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.


The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "


The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.


A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......




With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....


" Your badge.. Show him your BADGE ! "

 

[tcbud]

Good one HIE!

 

[Dubbaman]

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's costume.. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
We have TRIED our very BEST. Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

 

[Dubbaman]

George Phillips, age 82, of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to
bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden
shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the
back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in
the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked, 'Is someone in your house?'

He said, 'No.'

Then they said, 'All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors
and an officer will be along when one is available.'

George said, 'Okay'. He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then
he phoned the police again. 'Hello, I just called you a few seconds
ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them.' and
hung up..

Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips'residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, 'I thought you said that you shot them!'

George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'

 

[Dubbaman]

The other day, I needed to go to the emergency room.
Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a patch onto the front of my shirt that I had downloaded off the Internet.
When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.
Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.

It also works at DMV and the Laundromat.
Don't try it at McDonald's, the whole crew will exit and you'll never get your order.

 

[oltomnoddy]

John was in the fertilized egg business.​

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,'
and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing
went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells
and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance,
which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch And fill out an efficiency report
by just listening to the bells.​

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen,
but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing
pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming,
could run for cover.​

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't
ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair
and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize​

but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly
coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the
populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.​

Vote carefully,
the bells are not always audible.​

 

[oltomnoddy]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed? 'Breast-fed,’ she replied. 'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her
nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning for her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.' :hubba:

 

[Dubbaman]

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'

'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.

'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'

 

[Dubbaman]

A friend of mine and i are on a kick to think up all the bad jokes we knew when we were kids and recently put this list togother and sent it off on a journy around the net. If you have one to add to the list jsut post it and we will get it

A little known fact of the 80s was that Michael Jackson and Boy George had an unreleased duet. It was called "I'll Beat It For Ya".

Q: What's worse than sweat on Olivia Newton John?
A: Come On Eileen.

Q: What were the last words said on the space shuttle Challenger?
A: No, a Bud Light!

Q: Whats the difference between Samantha Fox and the Eiffel Tower?
A: More men have been up Samantha Fox than the Eiffel Tower.

Q: Did you know Vic Morrow had dandruff?
A: They found his Head and Shoulders in the bushes.

Did you know they made Vic Morrow an honorary member of the Rotary Club?

Q: Why didn't Natalie Wood take a shower on the boat?
A: She wanted to wash up on shore.

Q: How long did Lionel Ritchie sit on the toilet?
A: All Night Long!

Q: How many astronauts can you fit inside a car?
A: Twelve. Two in front, three in back and seven in the ash tray.

Q: What happened when Michael Jackson invited Billy Squier and KISS to a party?
A: Billy Squier stroked it, Michael Jackson beat it, and KISS licked it up.

Q: Where did the cantaloupe take his vacation?
A: John Cougar's Melon Camp

Q: Why is a Yugo like a Bic lighter?
A: You use it 'til it runs out of gas, then throw it away."

Q: Why did Cyndi Lauper set her bed on fire?
A: Because it was fun.

Q: What do you call a Yugo with no wheels?
A: A no-go.

Q: Why did N.A.S.A. get Pepsi to sponser the Space Shuttle?
A: Because they could not get 7-Up (Seven Up)?

Q: What is the difference Michael Jackson and Richard Pryor?
A: Michael Jackson was burned using Pepsi and Richard Pryor was burned using Coke.

Q: What do you call a Yugo at the top of a hill?
A: A miracle.

Q: Why did the Valley Girl take two birth control pills?
A: To be fer sure, fer sure.

Q: What were Christa McAuliffe's last words?
A: What's this button for?

Hear about the new band featuring Ronald Regan and Milli Vanilli? They don't remember any of the songs they didn't sing.

Q: What does NASA stand for?
A: Need Another Seven Astronauts.

Q: How many letters are in the alphabet?
A: 22, cuz E.T. went home and somebody shot J.R.

Q: How are Madonna's knees like the Beatles?
A: They'll never get back together.

Q: What is Ronald Reagan's favorite pick-up line at a bar?
A: Do I come here often?

Q: What did Marvin Gaye's father say to him before he shot him?
A: This is the last 45 you'll ever hear

 

[Dubbaman]

I think hes trying to give me a message, i seen man woman indian elephant. Translated it says when man sees woman the indian gets big trunk

 

[oltomnoddy]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Sh*t!', the Rottweiler ate her!
The teacher had to leave the room.

 

[Dubbaman]

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, 'So, you finish?'

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, 'No.'

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.

The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, 'You finish?'

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, 'No.'

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, 'You finish?'

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, 'No, I Norwegian'.

 

[Dubbaman]

While discussing the upcoming Universal Health Care Program with my sister-in-law the other day, I think we have found the solution. I am sure you have heard the ideas that if you're a senior you need to suck it up and give up the idea that you need any health care. A new hip? Unheard of. We simply can't afford to take care of you anymore. You don't need any medications for your high blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, etc... Let's take care of the young people. After all, they will be ruling the world very soon.

So here is the solution. When you turn 70, you get a gun and 3 bullets. You are allowed to shoot one senator and 2 representatives. Of course, you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head and all the health care you need! New teeth, great! Need glasses, no problem! New hip, knee, kidney, lung, heart? Well bring it on. And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. And, since you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income tax.

 

[Dubbaman]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."

Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I fell off my perch!"

 

[oltomnoddy]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose,

still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles, from behind the mask "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash

your upper body" He struggles to ask again.

Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry

about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and

sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other,

lifting and moving them around and around gently.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you,

there's nothing wrong with them, Sir.'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....

" Are - my - test - results -back ?"

 

[ArtVandolay]

I expect you guys to use at least a couple of these! :hubba:

1. Talk about a huge breast!​

​

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.​

​

3. It's Cool Whip time!​

​

4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!​

​

5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!​

​

6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.​

​

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?​

​

8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!​

​

10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.​

​

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!​

​

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you stick it in?​

​

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!​

​

18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!

19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?​

 

[Dubbaman]

Eddie in Dallas calls his son in New York just before Thanksgiving and tells him, 'I am sorry to tell you but your mother and I are going to divorcing. I just cannot take any more of her bitching. We can't stand the sight of each other any more. I am telling first, Eddie, because you are the eldest, please tell your sister.'
When Eddie calls his sister Julie, she says, 'No way are they getting divorced, I will go over and see them for Thanksgiving.'

Julie phones here parents and tells them both 'You must NOT get divorced. Promise you won't do anything until I get over there. I'm calling Eddie, and we'll both be there with you tomorrow. Until then, don't take any action, please listen to me', and hangs up.

The father puts down the phone and turns to his wife and says. 'Good news' he says, 'Eddie and Julie are coming for Thanksgiving and they are both paying their own way!'

 

[Dubbaman]

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
1. A Bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whiskey.
4. A Playboy magazine.

'I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up."

"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

"If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.

"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be!

"And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed,and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink,while he admired the magazine's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for Congress."

 

[Dubbaman]

I got this new deodorant today.

The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom.

I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells awesome.

 

[ArtVandolay]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins