Todays funny

[HippyInEngland]

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave,! using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Fishbien," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. "
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"


"Like I'm talking to a brick wall!"

 

[Dubbaman]

So, the customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?" The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?" The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?'
If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
The clerk says, "Well, no, I probably wouldn't!"
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

 

[HippyInEngland]

A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?'

He declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.'

At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. 'A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?'

He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.'

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat.

'Would you like a juicy rib-eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?'

He declines again. 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra... I'm still not hungry.'

'Well,' she says, 'Would you mind getting off me . I'm starving!

 

[HippyInEngland]

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Pittsburgh. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It's Jim, who asks Bud, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Bud says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff--no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, well there's just one thing."

"What's that?"

"Have you farted yet?"

"No "

"Well, DON'T! I'm in Denver."

 

[Dubbaman]

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. This will only become more commonplace as the holidays approach.
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowes, Home Depot, or Costco customers. This one caught me by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds.

You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also October 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 28th, and three times last Monday, and most likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Thanks,
Bill

P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K-Mart, but already bought them out.

 

[IRISH]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^:rofl: :laugh: :clap: :headbang2: :banana: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

going to buy a new wallet meself Dubb!!! ...



>why do women have smaller feet than men???
it's one of those 'evolutionary things', that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink...


>> if your dog is barking at the back door, and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first???
the dog, of course. he'll shut up once you let him in...lol...


>>>Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a womans sex drive by 90%.
it's called Wedding Cake...

 

[IRISH]

"Late again", the third grade teacher said to little Sammy.

"it ain't my fault this time , Mrs. Crabtree. you can blame this'un on my daddy. the reason i'm three hours late is, my daddy sleeps naked".

now Mrs. Crabtree taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd-years. despite her mounting fears, she asked little Sammy what he meant by that.

full of grins, and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy, and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth.

"you see Mrs. Crabtree, out at the ranch we got this here low-down coyote. the last few nights, he done ate 6 hens, and killed Ma's best milk goat. last night when daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his shotgun, and said to Ma, "that coyote is back again, i'm gonna get him".

"stay back", he whispered to all us kids.

"he was naked as a jay-bird. no boots. no pants. no shirt! to the hen house he crawled, just like an ***** on the snoop. then, he stuck that double barreled twelve guage through the window of the coop".

"as he stared into the darkness with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog, Zeke, had done woke up, and comes sneaking up behind daddy. then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, 'ol Zeke stuck his cold nose in daddys crack".

"Mrs. Crabtree, we all been cleaning chickens since three 'o clock this morning"...

 

[Dubbaman]

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup or brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila


Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl,
check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality,
pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter
in a large fluffy bowl.


Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point
it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try another
cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup
of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.

Mix on the turner.


If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry
it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves
a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain
your nuts.

Add one table..

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can
find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall
over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.


Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the
Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.
Cherry Mistmas !

 

[HippyInEngland]

How marriage works!

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.
The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife,
'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, honey bunch?'
asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.'

The wife said,
'You want a beer, my love?'
She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop... but at the bar... you know... they have frozen glasses...'

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by
saying, 'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?'

She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres:
chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey... At the bar..... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, ********?

Drink your f***ing beer in your *******
frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere!

Got it, A**hole?'

So he stayed home............ and, they lived happily ever after.

 

[fruity86]

How marriage works!

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.
The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife,
'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, honey bunch?'
asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.'

The wife said,
'You want a beer, my love?'
She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop... but at the bar... you know... they have frozen glasses...'

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by
saying, 'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?'

She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres:
chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey... At the bar..... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, ********?

Drink your f***ing beer in your *******
frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere!

Got it, A**hole?'

So he stayed home............ and, they lived happily ever after.

great HIE that sound like my partner and we ar'nt even married yet :rofl:

 

[HippyInEngland]

Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling, take celibacy.

This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Tony and Julie listened to the instructor declare 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'

He addressed the men.

'Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

Tony leaned over, touched Julie's arm gently and whispered.

'Self-raising, isn't it?'

Thus began Tony's life of celibacy.

 

[Dubbaman]

On his 78th birthday, a native man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to the medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his gift certificate to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion; handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say, '1-2-3'. When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want!"

The elderly man was encouraged. As he walks away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say, '1-2-3-4'," the medicine man responded, "...but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked. When he got home, he showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men!

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes... and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

...and that, ladies, is why we should never ever end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.

 

[HippyInEngland]

THE GUNFIGHTER

A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.

The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot...

'Could you give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'

'Sure will '

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the cowboy . 'Got any more tips?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that'll give you a smoother draw'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up right up your arse, and it won't hurt as much'.

 

[painterdude]

A blond and a redhead are sipping wine while enjoying the view at midnight from atop a New York skyscraper....

The redhead asks the blond, Which is closer, the moon or Miami, Florida?

Da, says the blond, I can see the moon!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Dubbaman]

All i could come up with for this X-Mas was a short list of one liners.


1. A Jewish Santa Claus came down the chimney and said: “Anyone want to buy a present?”

2. Hear about Santa and his reindeer landing on top of an outhouse? Santa looked around for a moment, then hollered “No no, Rudolph! I said the SCHMIDT house!”

3. I hope Santa brings me that mistletoe belt I asked for!

4. When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.

5. No one in the history of the world has ever purchased a fruitcake for themselves.

6. No parent in their right mind would give a 6-year-old a drum set, therefore Santa exists!!

7. The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn’t believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.

8. Q: Do you know why Santa dosen’t have any children ??? A: he only comes once a year and thats down a chimney...

9. Why is Santa Claus always so happy? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

10. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.

11. Why was Santa’s little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.

12. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.

 

[cRashamsterdam]

HAHA that's great

 

[ArtVandolay]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all
the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no
actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money
I had until my next pension payment.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for
dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family
to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.


By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an
envelope and sent to the woman.


The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and
the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.


All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my
friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful
gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it might have been those ******** at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna

 

[Dubbaman]

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside. As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER : $2.00
HAMBURGER : $2.25
CHEESEBURGER : $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB : $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers. She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she enquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs, "Why yes, yes, I sure am!"

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger."

 

[Cowboy]

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers; 'Sure, Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

! The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government', says Bud.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.', answered the cowboy . 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. .. . .Now give me back my dog.

 

[Cowboy]

:holysheep:
Photo on the Night Stand

After a long night of making love,
the guy notices a photo of another man,
on the woman's night stand by the bed.
He begins to worry.
'Is this your husband?'
he nervously asks.

'No, silly,'
she replies, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend, then?'
he continues.
'No, not at all,'
she says, nibbling away at his ear.

'Is it your dad or your brother?'
he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!'
she answers.

'Well, who in the hell is he, then?'
he demands.

She whispers in his ear
'That's me before the surgery.'