Todays funny

[Lastritez]

A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.

A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'

Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up.

The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab

And said to the driver,

'Got stuck, eh?'

The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'

 

[Lastritez]

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'


A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,


'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,


'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'

 

[Dubbaman]

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.


The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.


He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...


"Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter in West Virginia and I'm driving the
SALT TRUCK!"

 

[4u2sm0ke]

:rofl: Thanks Dubbaman

 

[slowmo77]

Santa Claus makes his way down the chimney, and is met by a lovely young woman in a robe.
She says "Santa, how about giving me a special present. I know you'd like to come into my bedroom."

Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know."

The lovely young thing peels off her robe, revealing a skimpy negligee. Santa looks up from his sack of gifts, and she says "I've got something special for you Santa. Can't you stay for just a little while? I know you want me. Let me make this Christmas eve unforgetable."

Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know."

Not to be denied, she strips off the negligee, revealing her naughty bits, and they were quite nice naughty bits, I might add. And she says "Santa, this is your last chance. This body is your gift."

Santa responds "Hey! Hey! Hey! Gotta stay. Gotta Stay. Can't get up the chimney with my **** this way!"

 

[Klicks]

I'm writing this real slow cause I know you can't read very fast. We don't live where we did when you left. We read in the paper that most accidents happen with twenty miles of home, so....we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the numbers off the house with them for their next house so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in, pulled the chain and I ain't seen em' since.

It only snowed twice this week. Three days the first time and four days the second time. You know the coat you wanted me to send you? Aunt Sue said would be too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons on it, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a letter from the funeral home. They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's bill, up she comes.

Your sister had a baby this morning. I ain't heard whether it's a boy or girl, so I don't know if you're an Uncle or Aunt.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving, the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled the window down and swam to safety. The other two drowned I'm afraid, they couldn't get the tailgate open.

There's not much news this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mama

 

[Klicks]

JOKES??? I thought these were real stories!!!!

 

[Lastritez]

When girls don't put out!!
This was written by a guy...it's pretty damn smart.

Girls -- Please have a sense of humour!


I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.
I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all Dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

 

[Dubbaman]

hxxp://www.ruthann1.com/RedneckChristmas.htm

X's to t's and make sure your speakers are on

 

[Dubbaman]

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

 

[Dubbaman]

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch,
"Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

ABBOTT:.......... Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO:..... Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm
thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT:.......... Mac?

COSTELLO:..... No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT:.......... Your computer?

COSTELLO:..... I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT:.......... Mac?

COSTELLO:..... I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: ....What about Windows?

COSTELLO: ....Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT:.......... Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO:..... I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?


ABBOTT:.......... Wallpaper.

COSTELLO:..... Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT:.......... Software for Windows?

COSTELLO:..... No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT:.......... Office.

COSTELLO:..... Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT:.......... I just did.

COSTELLO:..... You just did what?

ABBOTT:.......... Recommend something.

COSTELLO:..... You recommended something?

ABBOTT:.......... Yes.

COSTELLO:..... For my office?

ABBOTT:.......... Yes.

COSTELLO:..... OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT:.......... Office.

COSTELLO:..... Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT:.......... I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO:..... I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say
I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I
need?

ABBOTT:.......... Word.

COSTELLO:..... What word?

ABBOTT:.......... Word in Office.

COSTELLO:..... The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT:.......... The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO:..... Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT:.......... The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO:..... I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with
some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have
anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT:.......... Money.

COSTELLO:..... That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT:.......... Money.

COSTELLO:..... I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT:.......... It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO:..... What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT:.......... Money.

COSTELLO:..... Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT:.......... Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO:..... I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT:.......... One copy.

COSTELLO:..... Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT:.......... Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO:..... They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT:.......... Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT:.......... Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO:..... How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT:.......... Click on "START"....

 

[Hick]

I became confused when I heard these terms

with reference to the word 'service'.

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S.Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
State, City & County Public 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant.



But today, I overheard two farmers talking,

and one of them said he had hired a bull to

'service' a few cows. BAM!!! It all came

into focus. Now I understand what all those

'service' agencies are doing to us.

I hope you are as enlightened as I am.

 

[Dubbaman]

:yeahthat: isnt it the truth

 

[IRISH]

Patrick O'Malley hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs' of me wife". -and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.
In bed later that night, he told his wife, "Mary, i won the prize for the best toast of the night".
she said "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast"?
So he told her. Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife".
"Oh", she said, "that is very nice, dear".

The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddys drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said, "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary"?

She replied, "Aye, and i was a bit suprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once, he fell asleep, and the other time i had to pull him by the ears to make him come".

 

[IRISH]

:spit:Here's to our Wives, and Girlfriends

may they never meet.:spit::bolt:

 

[HippyInEngland]

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve
and says, I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your
mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says.
'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you
call your sister in Leeds and tell her.'


Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like hell
they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this,'


She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling
my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do
a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.


The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says,
'they're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way for a change.'

 

[Dubbaman]

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, I carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk. I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers. But to my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me. He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper! ''What's going on here?"

"My car has a flat tire,' I said calmly.

"Well, what the heck are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?" I couldn't believe that he didn't know.

So I told him, 'Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!'

 

[Dubbaman]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.

The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'

The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'

The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!'

'OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.'

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.

'Your brother won't let me in without a tie!'

 

[4u2sm0ke]

:rofl: Thanks Dubbaman:bolt::bong:

 

[IRISH]

a farmer and his brand new wife were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.

the farmer said, 'thats once'.

a little further along, the horse stumbled yet again.

the farmer said, 'thats twice'.

after a little while, the old horse stumbled again.

the farmer did'nt say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun, and shot the horse.

his brand new bride yelled, telling him, 'that was an awful thing to do'.

the farmer said, 'thats once'...bb...

Keep 'em coming Dub...