Todays funny

[Runbyhemp]

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his throat to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer.

One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

 

[Dubbaman]

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.'

 

[Dubbaman]

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. Many of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, 'Hello, sir.
Can you please tell me why you're here to see the doctor today?'

'There's something wrong with my ****,' he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.”

'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The receptionist replied, 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied. and

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're gonna’ lose!

 

[Dubbaman]

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during exams were
quite humorous...... A physician claimed that the following are
actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) before or
after their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone
before!

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'>

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

13. 'How far up did you go? I now have a sore throat.'

And the best one of all..

14. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not
up there?

 

[HippyInEngland]

52 things you would love to say out loud at work


1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. Ahhhh. I see the f ***-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a sh*t.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?

24. Do I look like a f****** people person to you?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.

31. Oh I get it. Like humour, but different.........

32. An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.

33. Can I swap this job for what's behind door .........1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.

39. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.

40. Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

41. Aren't you just a black hole of need.

42. I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?

43. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?

44. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.

45. If you have something to say raise your hand.........then place it over your mouth.

46. I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time?

47. Don't let your mind wander, its too small to be let out on its own.

48. Have a nice day, somewhere else.

49. You're not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away.

50. You are as pretty as a picture, I'd really like to hang you.

51. Don't believe everything you think.

52. Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring.

 

[Dubbaman]

:yeahthat: i have a T-shirt that has #24 on it


--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a Drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, Staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in The face and says, 'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her In the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, Because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your Grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still Says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you Something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says, 'Grandpa... Go home! You're drunk.'

 

[holden600]

Very good mate, i like em

 

[Puffin Afatty]

52 things you would love to say out loud at work


1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. Ahhhh. I see the f ***-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a sh*t.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?

24. Do I look like a f****** people person to you?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.

31. Oh I get it. Like humour, but different.........

32. An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.

33. Can I swap this job for what's behind door .........1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.

39. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.

40. Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

41. Aren't you just a black hole of need.

42. I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?

43. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?

44. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.

45. If you have something to say raise your hand.........then place it over your mouth.

46. I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time?

47. Don't let your mind wander, its too small to be let out on its own.

48. Have a nice day, somewhere else.

49. You're not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away.

50. You are as pretty as a picture, I'd really like to hang you.

51. Don't believe everything you think.

52. Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring.

Hippy, these are great and as My 1st NewYearsResolution of 2009 is to use 1 each week thru-out the coming year :aok:

 

[Dubbaman]

1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea.
I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up

 

[bud.uncle]

How long can RBH keep The Last Post closed................?...


:rofl:



or is this just another example.........................? ....

 

[HippyInEngland]

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!

'You need to use 'Grown up People's words,' she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend.

'I went to visit my Nana'.

'No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.

Use 'Grown up People's' words!'

She then asked Mitchell what he had done.

'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.

She said, 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.

You must remember to use 'Grown up people's' words.

She then asked little Alex what he had done.

'I read a book' he replied.

'That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said. 'What book did you read?

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with
great pride, and said,

'Winnie the crap'

 

[Dubbaman]

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver chest hair. She said, 'That
silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social
Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too'

 

[Dubbaman]

I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out
of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just
seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it..... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

 

[Puffin Afatty]

SnowWhite would say, that's funny, I dont care who You are :rofl:

 

[SmokinMom]

what is grey and comes in quarts?

wait...don't answer that.

 

[Puffin Afatty]

BTW, which one was He
Dopey :rofl:

 

[Dubbaman]

BTW, which one was He
Dopey :rofl:

From the look on his face he would have had to have been Grumpy with out any sleep cause he was Angry but then again who knows.

 

[lisa]

:yeahthat: i have a T-shirt that has #24 on it


--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a Drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, Staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in The face and says, 'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her In the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, Because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your Grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still Says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you Something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says, 'Grandpa... Go home! You're drunk.'

:rofl:

 

[tesla]

A man is jogging in a park in San Fransisco, he come upon a man hugging a tree with his ear to the trunk. The jogger ask what are you doing? He says I am listning to the sounds of the tree. You give it a try. So the jogger gets down on his knees and puts his hands around the trunk of the tree and all of a sudden the other guy slaps hand cuffs on him. What the hell are you doing the jogger asks. I am robbing you, the guy steals his watch and wallet and runs away. A little while later another guy walks by and ask what happen to you, The jogger says, I am having a terrible day and explains what happen to him. Can you please help me asks the jogger. The guy walk up behind him and pulls his pants down and whispers in the joggers ear "This just isn't your day cupcake"

 

[tesla]

I came across this and thought of a member here (not gonna name names) But alot of his posts are very hard to read
Can you read this?


I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!