Joke of the Day

[StoneyBud]

*** After Surgery


A surgeon went to check on his patient, an attractive blond, after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her.

"You'll be fine," he said.

"How long will it be before I can have a normal *** life again, doctor?", she asked.

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the young woman.

"What's the matter, doctor?" she asked. "I will be alright?"

"Yes," replied the doctor, "you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils removed."

 

[woodydude]

This has probably been posted before but it made me smile so here goes.
Old man walks into a confessional


Man "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,gchildren,and ggchildren.Yesterday,I picked up two girls,hitchhiking.We went to a motel,where I had *** with each of them 3 times."

Priest "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man "What sins? "

Priest "What kind of Catholic are you?"

Man "I'm Jewish"


Priest "Why are you telling me this?"

Man "I'm 92. I'm telling everybody"

 

[Irish]

...an irish priest and a rabbi get into a car accident. they both get out of thier cars and stumble over to the side of the road. the rabbi says ''oy vey! what a wreck!''

the irish priest asks him, '' are you alright rabbi?'' the rabbi responds ''just a little shaken''. the irish priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says ''here, drink some of this it will help to calm your nerves''.

the rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, ''well what are we going to tell the police?'' ''well', the irish priest says, ''i dont know what your aft to be telling them, but i'll be telling them i was'nt the one drinking...

 

[mojavemama]

Wife Finds this on the Refrigerator One Morning :

My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.

Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you can respect my
honesty in reporting the fact that I will be spending the evening
with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be
upset---I shall be home before midnight and give you ample time to talk.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you
will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.





.

 

[dirtyolsouth]

Why was the little strawberry crying? :cry:

Cuz her Mama was in a jam! :doh:​

:rofl:

 

[Runbyhemp]

A sweet grandmother
telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked,
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said,
"I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied,
"Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said,
"Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied,
"You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me anything.!!!"

(TRUE STORY)

 

[TexasMonster]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like.....Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[TexasMonster]

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are sleeping with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .

Parents in Beverly Hills have fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, so they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh great! The guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 trillion disappear!

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

 

[frankcos]

Little Johnny's Day off


One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.

On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.

So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.

The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"

Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"

 

[StoneyBud]

Those of us who fall into the world of hi-tech should take note of the importance of correct punctuation.

I have noticed that many who text message & email have forgotten the "art" of capitalization.

Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

 

[Llama]

This is the text of the previous post. I guarantee that it will make you laugh so hard you'll cry and might even pee your pants


POCKET Tazer STUN GUN, a great gift for the wife.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.The occasion was our 33d wedding anniversary and I
was looking for a little something extra for my wife Nancy. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized tazer.
The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affects on your assailant,allowing her adequate time
to retreat to safety...WAY TO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn
thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was dissapppointed. I learned however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal
surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately I have yet to explain to Nancy what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my dog Jewels looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Jewels (for a fraction of
a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet dog.. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised...Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a T shirt with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and tazer in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on
the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be a waste of batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inches in circumference; pretty cute really and
(loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself,'no possible way! What happened next is almost beyond description, but
I'll do my best..
I'm sitting there alone, Jewels looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say 'don't do it dip-****,' reasoning that a one second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...HOLY MOTHER OF GOD..WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION...WHAT THE HELL!!! I'm pretty
sure Jessie Ventura ran through the side door, picked me up in the recliner,then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet,both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere
to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.The dog was making yowling sound that I
had never heard before,shivering from the top of the coffee table, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all
over the living room..
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer,one note of caution:there is no such thing as a one second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor...A three
second burst would be conservative!
IT HURT LIKE HELL!!
A minute or so later(I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits(what little I had left),sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the kitchen counter. My recliner was upside down and about 8 feet from where it
originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with novacaine, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs..I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped myself but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint wisp of smoke above my head
which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return

P.s..My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!


If you think education is difficult,try being stupid!!!!

 

[Runbyhemp]

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'.
Roland, the class geek, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles
and my Mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says
there's bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie" says the teacher, "Anyone else?"
Little Irish Shaun O'Malley jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice,
"Our next door neighbor is painting his house with a two-inch brush and
my Dad says "it will take the contagious"

 

[thomas 11111]

A man take's his wife to the doctor. After a series of tests the comes back with his diagnosis.
"Well she either has alzhiemer's or she has aids", the doctor explains.
Distraught the man says," Those are pretty far apart. What do you suggest I do?"
The Dr. replies," Well, I'd drop her off in the middle of the woods. If she finds her way home DON'T have *** with her! "

 

[Erbal]

What do you call a kid with one arm and an eye-patch?

You call him Names.

 

[Erbal]

So this old couple get done smoking a joint and start watching some tele when the old guy gets the hankering for some ice cream. He gets up and starts walking off when his wife starts asking him what he is doing.
"I am getting ice cream to help parch my throat, would you like me to get you some dear?"
"Yes, but I want whip cream, a cherry, sprinkled nuts, and some chocolate syrup. I know you, you will forget, so you better write this down and take it with you."
Knowing his wife is ever nagging he rushes off to the kitchen with the complaints of how easy something like that can be to remember.
The husband is in the kitchen for close to 20 minutes. The wife starts to get irritated at the loud commotion of pots and pans coming from kitchen. Just when she is ready to pipe up and complain the husband returns, tray in hands.
He sets it down on her lap and says, "See woman, what did I tell you, I did not forget a thing!"
She looks down at her plate of eggs, bacon, and toast and looks up at her husband and responds, "I knew you should of written it down, you forgot my orange juice!"

 

[Erbal]

One day Dr. Dave sleeps with one of his patients. After the patient leaves, he starts freaking out about what would happen if people found out. He could lose his license, his practice, his wife, his kids, and the home he has worked for.

In the midst of all this freaking out, a voice pops up in his head and starts telling Dr. Dave, "Hey Dave, stop freaking out. Some of your best friends have slept with their patients and you know one or two that married them. I don't think she is going to talk, so relax Dave."

This made Dr. Dave feel a little better. So much better, he was able to go home, eat dinner, do his normal evening routine without any issues. After Dr. Dave had crawled into bed and was about to fall asleep, another voice popped into his head. This one was not so nice and started to nag him, "Dave... Dave... you're a pretty sick guy Dr. Dave... you're a veterinarian."

 

[StoneyBud]

One day Dr. Dave sleeps with one of his patients.....another voice popped into his head. This one was not so nice and started to nag him, "Dave... Dave... you're a pretty sick guy Dr. Dave... you're a veterinarian."

I had a baaaaaad feeling about where this was going. I thought I should just bleat it out...

This is the kind of joke that will have Hick here in a NY minute.... :holysheep:

Crack me up! MyBaaaaaaad :hubba:





.

 

[Kupunakane]

The following is an actual question given on a Washington State University student chemistry midterm;



Bonus Question:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it ?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, “It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct…… leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting “Oh my God.”

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY “A”.


smoke in peace
KK:cool2:

 

[orangesunshine]

Disorder in the American Courts

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published
by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges
were actually taking place.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
______________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 18th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
_____________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
_____________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that
morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?