# Joke of the Day



## StoneyBud (Feb 23, 2011)

I think the original thread got lost with the server crash, so here is it again.


To start it off:


*Nymphomaniac Convention* 


A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.. 
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat .. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his..

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?" 

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston " 
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. 

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." 

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?" 

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. 

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. 

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck." 


Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.." 

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."


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## v35b (Feb 23, 2011)

oldy but goody.


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## Jericho (Feb 23, 2011)

These were entries for a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line and least romantic second line:

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowls empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

I love your smile, your face, your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love, you take my breath away.
But what have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell!"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.


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## v35b (Feb 23, 2011)

:rofl:


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## Irish (Feb 23, 2011)

a man goes to the dr with a very bad sunburn.
the dr prescribes viagra.
''i did'nt realize viagra was a treatment for sunburn doc''
''it is'nt says the dr. but it will stop the sheets from hurting your legs''...


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## Time4Plan-B (Feb 23, 2011)

Hey they had me laughing well funny dudes
T4


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## frankcos (Feb 24, 2011)

Q.What do you do with 365 used condoms??


A. Melt them down, mold a tire, and call it a GOOD YEAR!


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## StoneyBud (Feb 24, 2011)

Dang Frankcos, that's gonna be a tiny little tire.....hahahahahahaa  

It would be a hell of a year tho'. :hubba:


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## nova564t (Feb 24, 2011)

I heard this from a Jewish friend so dont call me racist!!

Jewish dilemma: Pork on sale!


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## ArtVandolay (Feb 24, 2011)

Did you hear about the two blondes that froze to death at the drive-in?

They went to see *Closed For The Winter*


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## nova564t (Feb 24, 2011)

:rofl: :rofl:


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## Jericho (Feb 24, 2011)

A blonde was speeding on the highway when a police car pulled her over.

The policeman walks up to the blonde and says "Excuse m'am, could I please see your driving license and registration."

The blonde looks at the policeman angrily and says "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"


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## ArtVandolay (Feb 24, 2011)

Two blondes walked into a building.

You'd think one of them would have seen it.


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## benamucc (Feb 24, 2011)

One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies. 

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. 

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." 

Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. 

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell. 

"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long." 

The devil led him to the door of the next room. 

In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. 

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama. 

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. 

Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this." 

The devil smiled and said .. . . . . 







"OK, Monica, you're free to go."


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## v35b (Feb 24, 2011)

:rofl: :rofl:


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## Irish (Feb 24, 2011)

lmao ben. 

how can you tell a blind man in a nudist colony?
it's not hard... 

boyfriend; ''why do you never scream my name when you have an orgasm''?
blonde; ''because you are never there''...:doh:


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## StoneyBud (Feb 25, 2011)

*Sick Leave*

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off, so, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy', and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a few days.'

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker followed me, the Boss asked her, '. . And where do you think you're going?!'

She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't get any work done in the dark.'


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## Irish (Feb 25, 2011)

a man is walking down the street when a prostitute approaches him.
"for $200 i'll perform any act for you'', she tells him,
''provided that you can describe the act in three words''.

the man thinks about the offer for less than a moment,
and gives the woman $200.

''ok, tell me what you want me to do,
but remember, only in three words'', she tells him.

the man, who has been quiet throughout the exchange says,
''paint my house''...


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## nova564t (Mar 2, 2011)

When John Stamos was asked if he was contacted by Two and a half men producers to replace Charlie Sheen he said "no, but Martin Sheen called and asked if I could replace him as his son":rofl: :rofl: :laugh:


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## nova564t (Mar 2, 2011)

:bump: C'mon people, got any more? :bump:


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## StoneyBud (Mar 2, 2011)

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][/FONT] 
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][/FONT] 
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."[/FONT]


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## nova564t (Mar 2, 2011)

:rofl: Now thats funny!!


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## SensiStarFan (Mar 2, 2011)

Question:  What's the difference between Mexican schwag weed and a bucket of ****?......Give up?

Answer:  The bucket


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## SensiStarFan (Mar 2, 2011)

Obama is down in Houston giving a speech for his upcoming re-election campagin.  Having some free time one day, he has his driver find a nice barber shop and goes in for a trim and shave.  It just so happens former president George Bush is there as well getting a haircut and a shave.  Both men sit silently the entire time, not wanting to speak to each other and only nodding at their barber's comments.  After a terse 20 minutes Obama is finished first and while brushing the loose hairs from his clothing the barber asks Obama, "Would you like some aftershave?"

Obama responds, "No thank you.  My wife says that stuff makes me smell like I have been in a brothel".

Without hesitation Bush jumps in, "You can use some on me.  My wife has no idea what the inside of a brothel smells like".


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## OldHippieChick (Mar 2, 2011)

Charlie Sheen (nuff said)  :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


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## frankcos (Mar 3, 2011)

Q. What do you call it when a roach ash burns your shirt? 
A: A pothole..


Q: Why is the roach clip called a roach clip?
A: Because pot holder was taken


Q: What do you call a pot smoker with two spliffs?
A: Double jointed.


Q: How do you know when you have smoked enough pot ?
A: When you start looking around for the directions on how to use the lighter.


Q: How do fish party ?
A: Seaweed.


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## meetmrfist2 (Mar 4, 2011)

3 pregnant women are waiting to see the maturnity doctor and are sitting around in the waiting room just talking and such,one woman is bragging that she knows she is going to have a boy because she was told if she was on top durring sex that is most likely to happen....one of the other woman states that she will definatly have a baby girl because she likes to be on the bottom when she makes love....the 3rd girl suddenly breaks down in sobbing tears....they ask her what in the world is the matter and she replies "you are having a boy,and you are having a little girl and I will probably end up with a whole litter.....


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## givinitatry (Mar 4, 2011)

Little Johnny 20 questions





One day in school, the teacher decides to play 20 questions.
  So the teacher says "OK kids, I am thinking of something round, and red"
  Little Suzy pipes up "I know, it's a tomato".
  "No but you're thinking, it's an apple" replies the teacher.
  So Little Johnny stands up, places his hand in his pocket and says "I  am holding onto something that is round, hard, and has a head on it"
  "Go to the principals office" says the teacher.
  "No but you're thinking", say Johnny, "It's a quarter"


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## ozzydiodude (Mar 6, 2011)

"Insider's Guide to the Male Vocabulary"


"Haven't I seen you before?" = "Nice butt."

"I'm a Romantic." = "I'm poor."

"I need you." = "My hand is tired."

"I am different from all the other guys." = "I am not circumcised."

"I want a commitment." = "I'm sick of playing with myself."

"You're the only girl I've ever cared about." = "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."

"I really want to get to know you better." = "So I can tell my friends about it."

"It's just orange juice, try it." = "3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head."

"She's kinda cute." = "I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary."

"I don't know if I like her." = "She won't sleep with me."

"I miss you so much." = "I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good."

"Was it good for you?" = "I'm insecure about my manhood."

"How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?" = "Is my love tool really that small?"

"I had a wonderful time last night." = "Who the hell are you?"

"Do you love me?" = "I've done something stupid and you might find out."

"Do you 'really' love me?" = "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."

"How much do you love me?" = "I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now."

"I have something to tell you." = "Get tested."

"I'll give you a call." = "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again."

"I've been thinking a lot." = "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."

"I think we should just be friends." = "You're ugly."

"I've learned a lot from you." = "Next!!!!"


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## givinitatry (Mar 7, 2011)

*The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. 
**             Their weekend assignment was to sell something to replenish the school  supplies fund, then give a talk on productive salesmanship. 

             Little Sally led off: "I sold sugar coated cookies and I made $30," she  said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil  spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." 

            "Very good," said the teacher. 

             Little Jenny was next:   

             "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone  that magazines would keep them up on current events." 

            "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.. 

             Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. 

             The teacher held her breath .... 

              Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box  full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.   

            "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling" 

            "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny. 

             "Toothbrushes?" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?" 

               "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a  Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample. They  all said the same  thing, 'Hey, this tastes like dog crap!'" 

                "Then I would admit, 'It is dog crap'. Wanna buy a toothbrush?'  I used  the Obama governmental approach of giving you something crappie, but  looks good, for free, and then making  you pay to get the crappy taste  out of your mouth." 

               The teacher was speechless....   Little Johnny got 5 stars for his  efforts, bless his heart, and the Democrat Party has asked him to run  for Mayor of Chicago *


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## frankcos (Mar 7, 2011)

Lizard And Monkey

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says "smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke a few doobies. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "what's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "hey you!"

The Monkey looks down and says "Damn dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"


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## v35b (Mar 7, 2011)

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


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## ozzydiodude (Mar 8, 2011)

How to impress a woman:
Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
buy flowers for her,
go to the ends of the earth for her...

How to impress a man:

Show up naked.
Bring beer


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## ozzydiodude (Mar 8, 2011)

A guy walks into a bar a sees a huge banner that reads "FREE BEER - FREE BEER - FREE BEER ask how!" The guy asks the bartender what it's all about and the bartender tells the guy "Well if someone completes three tasks successfully, they'll earn free beer from us for life!"

The guys asks well what are the tasks? The bartender continues, "Well first, we have a gallon of Pepper Tequila, you've got to drink the entire gallon without stopping, then there is an old mean and nasty alligator out back, he's 13 feet long, huge, he's got a sore tooth, you've got to pull the sore tooth. Finally there is a woman upstairs and she's never been "satisified" sexually... YOU have to make things right for her."

The guys says Wow... that's alot for free beer, I think I'll just pay for mine. After about 6 or 7 beers, the guy tells the bartender he's game for the free beer and wants to try for it.

Everyone in the bar gathers around the guy as the bartender pulls out this huge jug of pepper tequila and hands it to the guy. The man lifts the jug up and starts downing the tequila. It takes him almost 2 minutes to drink the entire gallon but he does it without stopping. After finishing the last drop he sets the jug down and tells the crowd to point him to the alligator out back.

The guy walks out the back door and all of a sudden all hell breaks loose. Screaming, growling, yelling, the sound of clothes ripping, just a knock down, drag out old fashion country *** whooping happening. This continues for about 10 whole minutes then finally silence. The people
are scared to look out the back afraid the guys dead when all of a sudden the back door opens and the guy staggers in all tore up. He's got scratches and gouges all of his face and body, his shirt and pants are all torn to shreds, he's got a black eye and blood is dripping from
his nose and starring blankly out into space.

He looks at he crowd and asks "Now where the lady with the sore tooth!"


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## ozzydiodude (Mar 8, 2011)

Hick In college

A visiting professor at the University of Colorado is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people 
here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands. 

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

15 students raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further...
Have any of you ever made love to a ghost? 

One student in the back raises his hand. 

The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses,  takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever  claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience. 

The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost.

The student replies, "Ghost?!?"
"Dang it, I thought you said 'goats.'"


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## StoneyBud (Mar 8, 2011)

The Pot Paradox: 
An empty bowl needs to be filled, a full bowl needs to be emptied! 


A joke a stoner will laugh at:
"Q. How many pancakes does it take to build a doghouse? 
 A. None. Alligators can't fly."


A stoner was relaxing next to a cactus with his horse standing next to him. Along came a stranger and asked, "What time is it?" The stoner looked at the horse, lifted up his balls and said, "It's 4:20." The stranger said, "You're sure it's 4:20?" The stoner lifted up his horse's balls again and said, "Yup, its 4:20!" The guy says, "How the hell can you tell time by lifting up the horse's balls?" The stoner lifts up the horses balls and says, "You see that clock over there?"


You know you are a true stoner when your bong gets washed more than your dishes.


Q. What do you call tokin' a doobie with your friends?
A. A joint effort.


A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.


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## StoneyBud (Mar 8, 2011)

* The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
* The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue, Boston, Massachusetts) is the only place in the world where a boat can sail under a train driving under a car driving under an airplane.
* Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.
* Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
* David Prowse, was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke all of Vader's lines, and didn't know that he was going to be dubbed over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie.
* Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.
* In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
* Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.
* February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
* Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonalds.
* The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.
* No word in the English language rhymes with month.
* The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
* There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
* Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book in every Dewey-decimal category.
* Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New York City, after the Catholic Church.
* Cat's urine glows under a black light.
* Back in the mid to late 80's, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator.
* The first Ford cars had Dodge engines.
* Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
* It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook macaroni, and about a gallon to clean the pot.
* In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
* Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.
* The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.
* Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously
* If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.
* The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
* Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
* No NFL team which plays it's home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl
* The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver".
* In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was burnt down but only 6 people were injured
* Lincoln Logs were invented by Frank Lloyd Wright's son.
* One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today because cotton growers in the 30s lobbied against hemp farmers -- they saw it as competition. It is not chemically addictive as is nicotine, alcohol, or caffeine.
* The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game.
* Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.


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## ozzydiodude (Mar 8, 2011)

Rejected Hallmark Cards:

1. So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day...
Look at the bright side,
she's a really good lay.

2. My tire was thumping....
I thought it was flat....
when I looked at the tire....
I noticed your cat... Sorry

3. You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mends....
here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.

4. Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.

5. Heard your wife left you...
How upset you must be...
But don't fret about it ....
She moved in with me

6. Your computer is dead...
it was once so alive
Don't you regret installing
Windows 95?

7. You totaled your car...
and can't remember why...
could it have been...
that case of Bud Dry?


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## frankcos (Mar 8, 2011)

One day a guy was walking down the road when he was a sign out front of a house that said "Talking Dog For Sale". He knocked at the door, the owner told him the dog was out back if he want to check him out. 
   The man went to the back where he found the dog. He said, "Hey dog can you talk?" The dog replied back, "I sure can". The man say's "So whats your story?" The dog say's "Well I discovered this gift at a very young age. I wanted to put it to good use so I informed the CIA and they used me for many years worldwide as a spy. I was awarded many medals and a badge of honor. After retirement I had myself a wife and we had many litters of pups."
       The man is amazed and goes back inside to talk to the owner. He say's "That dog is incredible, I will take him. How much is he?" The owner replies "5 bucks". The man replies "5 bucks? Why so cheap?" The owner replies "That damn dogs a pathological liar, he ain't never left the yard"...


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## ozzydiodude (Mar 9, 2011)

An American businessman traveling to Japan for business found himself with two extra days after business concluded earlier than expected. Being single and away from home for so long, he sought after female company which he found at a geisha house. 
After selecting his partner, they proceeded to the room and undressed. As soon as the love session began, his female partner started softly whispering "Yakamoda", Yakamoda". Not knowing any of the language, he believed this was good and that she was enjoying the session as much as he was. He proceeded to move faster now and the woman said with a firmer tone "Yakamoda", "Yakamoda" , "Yakamoda". He was beside himself now spurred by the enthusiasm of his female partner and proceeded to imitate a rabbit he had seen on the discovery channel. She now screamed deep from her lungs "Yakamoda", "Yakamoda", "YAKAMODA"! As he finished, he found that she had feinted so he collected his things and left.

The next day he found himself playing golf with one of his Japanese clients. It was a par 3, approximately 173 yards when his Japanese playing partner struck the ball which took flight, landed on the green and then rolled gently into the hole. Struck with excitement and at a loss for words, the American stated "Yakamoda" sir.

The Japanese gentleman looked at him strangely and stated "what do you mean wrong hole"?


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## StoneyBud (Mar 11, 2011)

*Sex After Surgery*


A surgeon went to check on his patient, an attractive blond, after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her.

"You'll be fine," he said.

"How long will it be before I can have a normal sex life again, doctor?", she asked.

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the young woman.

"What's the matter, doctor?" she asked. "I will be alright?"

"Yes," replied the doctor, "you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils removed."


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## woodydude (Mar 13, 2011)

This has probably been posted before but it made me smile so here goes.
*Old man walks into a confessional 
*

*Man "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,gchildren,and ggchildren.Yesterday,I picked up two girls,hitchhiking.We went to a motel,where I had sex with each of them 3 times."*

*Priest "Are you sorry for your sins?"*

*Man "What sins? "*

*Priest "What kind of Catholic are you?"*

*Man "I'm Jewish" 
*

*Priest "Why are you telling me this?"*

*Man "I'm 92. I'm telling everybody"*


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## Irish (Mar 17, 2011)

...an irish priest and a rabbi get into a car accident. they both get out of thier cars and stumble over to the side of the road. the rabbi says ''oy vey! what a wreck!''

the irish priest asks him, '' are you alright rabbi?'' the rabbi responds ''just a little shaken''. the irish priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says ''here, drink some of this it will help to calm your nerves''.

the rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, ''well what are we going to tell the police?'' ''well', the irish priest says, ''i dont know what your aft to be telling them, but i'll be telling them i was'nt the one drinking...


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## mojavemama (Mar 19, 2011)

Wife Finds this on the Refrigerator One Morning : 

My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. 

Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you can respect my 
honesty in reporting the fact that I will be spending the evening 
with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be 
upset---I shall be home before midnight and give you ample time to talk.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. 

As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you 
will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small 
difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.





.


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## dirtyolsouth (Mar 19, 2011)

Why was the little strawberry crying?  :cry:









Cuz her Mama was in a jam!    :doh:​



:rofl:


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## Runbyhemp (Mar 19, 2011)

A sweet grandmother
telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, 
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said,
"I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, 
"Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, 
"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said,
"Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied,
"You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me anything.!!!"

(TRUE STORY)


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## TexasMonster (Mar 21, 2011)

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like.....Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!!!!!!!!


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## TexasMonster (Mar 21, 2011)

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are sleeping with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .

Parents in Beverly Hills have fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, so they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in  Las Vegas  is now managed by Somali pirates.

Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh  great! The guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by  the people who made $1.5 trillion disappear!

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my  savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide  Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was  suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.


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## frankcos (Mar 21, 2011)

Little Johnny's Day off


    One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.

    On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.

    The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.

    So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.

    The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"

    Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"


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## StoneyBud (Apr 27, 2011)

Those of us who fall into the world of hi-tech should take note of the importance of correct punctuation. 

I have noticed that many who text message & email have forgotten the "art" of capitalization.

Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.


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## Llama (May 8, 2011)

This is the text of the previous post. I guarantee that it will make you laugh so hard you'll cry and might even pee your pants


POCKET Tazer STUN GUN, a great gift for the wife. 
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.The occasion was our 33d wedding anniversary and I
 was looking for a little something extra for my wife Nancy. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized tazer. 
The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affects on your assailant,allowing her adequate time
to retreat to safety...WAY TO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn 
thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was dissapppointed. I learned however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal 
surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately I have yet to explain to Nancy what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple A batteries, right? 
There I sat in my recliner, my dog Jewels looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking I 
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Jewels (for a fraction of
 a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet dog.. But, if I was going to give this thing to  my wife to protect herself 
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised...Am I wrong?
 So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a T shirt with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one 
hand, and tazer in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on 
the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be a waste of batteries.
 All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inches in circumference; pretty cute really and 
(loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself,'no possible way! What happened next is almost beyond description, but 
I'll do my best..
 I'm sitting there alone, Jewels looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say 'don't do it dip-****,' reasoning that a one second 
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I 
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...HOLY MOTHER OF GOD..WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION...WHAT THE HELL!!! I'm pretty 
sure  Jessie Ventura  ran through the side door, picked me up in the recliner,then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over again. 
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet,both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere 
to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.The dog was making yowling sound that I 
had never heard before,shivering from the top of the coffee table, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all 
over the living room..
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer,one note of caution:there is no such thing as a one second burst when you 
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor...A three 
second burst would be conservative!
IT HURT LIKE HELL!!
A minute or so later(I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits(what little I had left),sat up and 
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the kitchen counter. My recliner was upside down and about 8 feet from where it 
originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with novacaine, and my 
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs..I had no control over the drooling.
 Apparently I pooped myself but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw  a faint wisp of smoke above my head
 which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return 

P.s..My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!


If you think education is difficult,try being stupid!!!!


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## Runbyhemp (May 25, 2011)

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'.
Roland, the class geek, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles 
and my Mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says 
there's bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie" says the teacher, "Anyone else?"
Little Irish Shaun O'Malley jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice, 
"Our next door neighbor is painting his house with a two-inch brush and
my Dad says "it will take the contagious"


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## thomas 11111 (May 25, 2011)

A man take's his wife to the doctor.  After a series of tests the comes back with his diagnosis.  
"Well she either has alzhiemer's or she has aids", the doctor explains.
Distraught the man says," Those are pretty far apart. What do you suggest I do?"
The Dr. replies," Well, I'd drop her off in the middle of the woods.  If she finds her way home DON'T have sex with her! "


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## Erbal (May 25, 2011)

What do you call a kid with one arm and an eye-patch?

You call him Names.


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## Erbal (May 26, 2011)

So this old couple get done smoking a joint and start watching some tele when the old guy gets the hankering for some ice cream. He gets up and starts walking off when his wife starts asking him what he is doing.
"I am getting ice cream to help parch my throat, would you like me to get you some dear?"
"Yes, but I want whip cream, a cherry, sprinkled nuts, and some chocolate syrup. I know you, you will forget, so you better write this down and take it with you."
Knowing his wife is ever nagging he rushes off to the kitchen with the complaints of how easy something like that can be to remember.
The husband is in the kitchen for close to 20 minutes. The wife starts to get irritated at the loud commotion of pots and pans coming from kitchen. Just when she is ready to pipe up and complain the husband returns, tray in hands.
He sets it down on her lap and says, "See woman, what did I tell you, I did not forget a thing!"
She looks down at her plate of eggs, bacon, and toast and looks up at her husband and responds, "I knew you should of written it down, you forgot my orange juice!"


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## Erbal (May 27, 2011)

One day Dr. Dave sleeps with one of his patients. After the patient leaves, he starts freaking out about what would happen if people found out. He could lose his license, his practice, his wife, his kids, and the home he has worked for.

In the midst of all this freaking out, a voice pops up in his head and starts telling Dr. Dave, "Hey Dave, stop freaking out. Some of your best friends have slept with their patients and you know one or two that married them. I don't think she is going to talk, so relax Dave."

This made Dr. Dave feel a little better. So much better, he was able to go home, eat dinner, do his normal evening routine without any issues. After Dr. Dave had crawled into bed and was about to fall asleep, another voice popped into his head. This one was not so nice and started to nag him, "Dave... Dave... you're a pretty sick guy Dr. Dave... you're a veterinarian."


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## StoneyBud (May 27, 2011)

Erbal said:
			
		

> One day Dr. Dave sleeps with one of his patients.....another voice popped into his head. This one was not so nice and started to nag him, "Dave... Dave... you're a pretty sick guy Dr. Dave... you're a veterinarian."


 
I had a baaaaaad feeling about where this was going. I thought I should just bleat it out...

This is the kind of joke that will have Hick here in a NY minute.... :holysheep: 

Crack me up! MyBaaaaaaad  :hubba:





.


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## Kupunakane (May 28, 2011)

_*The following is an actual question given on a Washington State University student chemistry midterm;*_



_*Bonus Question: 
*_
_*Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?*_

_*Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle&#8217;s Law.*_

_*One student, however, wrote the following:*_

_*First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So  we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the  rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that  once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are  leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let&#8217;s look at the  different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these  religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will  go to Hell.*_

_*Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do  not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go  to Hell. With and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell  to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the  volume in Hell because Boyle&#8217;s Law states that in order for the  temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell  has to expand proportionately as souls are added.*_

_*This gives two possibilities:*_

_*1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls  enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase  until all Hell breaks loose.*_

_*2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls  in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes  over.*_

_*So which is it ?*_

_*If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman  year that, &#8220;It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,&#8221; and  take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number  two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has  already frozen over.*_

_*The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it  follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,  extinct&#8230;&#8230; leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine  being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting &#8220;Oh my God.&#8221;*_

_*THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY &#8220;A&#8221;.*_


_*smoke in peace*_
_*KK:cool2:
*_


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## orangesunshine (Nov 17, 2011)

Disorder in the American Courts  

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things 
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published 
by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges 
were actually taking place. 
Q: Are you sexually active? 
A: No, I just lie there. 
______________________________ 
Q: What is your date of birth? 
A: July 18th. 
Q: What year? 
A: Every year. 
_____________________________________ 
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? 
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. 
______________________________________ 
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? 
A: Yes. 
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? 
A: I forget. 
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've 
forgotten? 
_____________________________________ 
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? 
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. 
Q: How long has he lived with you? 
A: Forty-five years. 
_____________________________________ 
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that 
morning? 
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" 
Q: And why did that upset you? 
A: My name is Susan. 
______________________________________ 
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the 
occult? 
A: We both do. 
Q: Voodoo? 
A: We do. 
Q: You do? 
A: Yes, voodoo. 
______________________________________ 
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he 
doesn't know about it until the next morning? 
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam? 
___________________________________ 
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? 
_____________________________________ 
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?


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