# Corny jokes



## SmokinMom (Jul 20, 2012)

What's orange and sounds like a farret?










A carrot   

Lmfao.  




















A ca


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## SmokinMom (Jul 20, 2012)

What do you call a cow with no legs?




Ground beef


Lmao


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## ozzydiodude (Jul 20, 2012)

A really corny joke

The person above me


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## ozzydiodude (Jul 20, 2012)

What do you call a dog with no legs?


Don't matter he ain't going to come anyhow


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## SmokinMom (Jul 20, 2012)

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was asalted.  

Lmao


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## SmokinMom (Jul 20, 2012)

ozzydiodude said:
			
		

> What do you call a dog with no legs?
> 
> 
> Don't matter he ain't going to come anyhow




:giggle:


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## SPEARCHUCKER (Jul 20, 2012)

Want to hear a dirty joke?
A white horse fell in a mud puddle.
Want to hear a clean joke? 
He waded in the river. Now his pecker is spotless.


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## SmokinMom (Jul 20, 2012)

What do you call a hundred rabbits marching backwards?
A receding hare-line.

'One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver. She politely asks him to step out of the car. He willingly does so, she says "Anything you say can and will be used against you."

He replies " BREASTS"!


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## YYZ Skinhead (Jul 20, 2012)

What do you find in an elephant's nose?  Two six-foot boogers.

Mmmmm...boogers...


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## YYZ Skinhead (Jul 20, 2012)

What is all women's fav part of constructing a building?  The erection.


(particularly a Canadian building)


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## BackWoodsDrifter (Jul 20, 2012)

YYZ Skinhead said:
			
		

> What is all women's fav part of constructing a building? The erection.
> 
> 
> (particularly a Canadian building)


 
Building one now  LOL

BWD


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## 7greeneyes (Jul 20, 2012)

If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?


A Colorado "Hick" is walking along the road with a sheep under each arm.
He meets another lonely Colorado Hick who says "you sheerin' mate?" and the first guy replies "naw, they're all mine"


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## BackWoodsDrifter (Jul 20, 2012)

Ok lets try numbin my fingers with long post, I hate typin ling time

anyways here it be

Indian walks down from the mountain to a small town brothal and knocks on the door

Madame answers the door and says "Yes can I help you?"

Indian replyies YES ME WANTIM PEACE OF ***!

The madame relpies "Oh well do you have any money?"

Indian repies "No me no got no money"

Madame replies "well maybe yu should go off and earn some money in the lumber camp up the road"

Indian walks off.......

Month later Indian comes back and knocks to door!

Madame open door and the Indian say "Me wantim piece of ***"

Madame says "well do yu have any money? Indian replies YES me have money!

Madame says "do yu have any experience?"

Indian "NO me no got no experience"

Madame say " well yu go off and work in the bush and everytime yual come to tree with a nice notch in it. well yual practice on that!"

Indian walks off to trail

Month later the Indian return and knocks to door....

Madame opens door and sees Indian standin there

Indian "Me wantem piece of ***!"

Madame "Do you have any money?"

Indian "Yes yes me got lots of money!"

Madame "Well do you have any experiencs?" 

Indian "Yes me got lot and lots exsperience!"

Well the madamme not sure what she all can do now to turn him away say "OK yual can take Trisha in room 2"

Indian meets with trisha and enters room.

Indian closes door and turns to woman and says " Bend Over!"

Trisha says"What" 

Indian says "bend over!"

so trisha turns and immediatly gets wacked three times on the butt with a stick!

Trisha jumps up screaming what did yual do that for??!!!

Indian Replies

"Me checking for Bee's"

All I got sorry it be long

BWD


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## SmokinMom (Jul 20, 2012)

These are great!  Keep em coming..

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
coz' they got big fingers!

What do you call a hundred rabbits marching backwards?
A receding hare-line


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## Rosebud (Jul 20, 2012)

These are so bad they are good. I have giggled a lot...


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## orangesunshine (Jul 20, 2012)

how much does a pirate pay for his ear ring

a buccaneer


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## SmokinMom (Jul 20, 2012)

Me too Rose...as dorky as they are, they make me .


Why did the rapper carry an umbrella?
Fo' Drizzle!

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn&#8217;t much, but the reception was excellent.  

Have you heard the one about the corduroy pillow?
Its making HEADLINES!


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## YYZ Skinhead (Jul 20, 2012)

A Corny Joke:  What sort of corn goes great with melody?  Hominy.


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## SPEARCHUCKER (Jul 20, 2012)

Whats the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts run $1.45 while deer nuts are under a buck.


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## Pistil (Jul 21, 2012)

What girls can put behind their ears to become more attractive?  Their ankles.:bolt:


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## kaotik (Jul 21, 2012)

what do you call a fly with no wings?


.. a walk

har har har


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## SmokinMom (Jul 21, 2012)

kaotik said:
			
		

> what do you call a fly with no wings?
> 
> 
> .. a walk
> ...



:spit:  Too funny.  

Keep em coming guys and girls.  

---------

What's the fastest mountain?  
Mount Rushmore

What's the slowest mountain?  
Mount Everest.  

Why can&#8217;t a bicycle stand on it&#8217;s own? Because it&#8217;s two-tired!


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## Menimeth (Jul 21, 2012)

Why do farts smell?  For the benifit of those that diden't hear it.


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## YYZ Skinhead (Jul 21, 2012)

What is so great about mycology?

Mycology is better than your cology.


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## Irish (Jul 21, 2012)

what do you call cheese that isnt yours?

nacho cheese...


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## BackWoodsDrifter (Jul 21, 2012)

Well while we all be on the cheese subgect reckon I gross yual out so dont read ifin yual got squeemish gizards

What yual call and anererexic (yual now that eatin disorder) with a yeast infection?

A quarter pounder with cheese 

BWD


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## YYZ Skinhead (Jul 21, 2012)

What do you call a tabby that eats the white stuff from its festering boils?

A *pus*-sy cat.


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## BackWoodsDrifter (Jul 21, 2012)

Yup now im goin to puke

BWD


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## Rosebud (Jul 21, 2012)

Me too BWD, almost did.


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## SmokinMom (Jul 21, 2012)

What's grey and comes in quarts?












An elephant


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## ozzydiodude (Jul 21, 2012)

Whats a elephants sex organ?

His foot if he sets on you because your -_____(4 letter word rhyming  with duck)


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## SmokinMom (Jul 22, 2012)

These are going downhill quick, lmfao...

What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck

What's red, green and goes 100 miles per hour?
A frog in a blender.


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## SPEARCHUCKER (Jul 22, 2012)

Whats blue and white, 100 yards long, and has 2 teeth.

A. Front row of a Colts game.


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## ozzydiodude (Jul 22, 2012)

Who do you put 5 state road workers out of a job?



Make a self standing shovel


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## MJ20 (Jul 22, 2012)

Why did the priest go to the baby gap sale?




Wait for it.....



Because boy's pants were half off


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## Irish (Jul 22, 2012)

how do you get holy water?

you boil the hell out of it...


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## Irish (Jul 22, 2012)

what lights up a soccer stadium?

a soccer match...


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## BackWoodsDrifter (Jul 22, 2012)

What black and white but red all over?

Newspaper


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## ozzydiodude (Jul 22, 2012)

multifarious said:
			
		

> The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the "United States Redneck Special Forces".
> 
> These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:
> 
> ...



If the "USRSF" would have had West Virginia,Virginia, North and South Carolina Hillbilly it would have been over buy Tuesday and pelts would be on EBay Wednesday


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## ozzydiodude (Jul 22, 2012)

I eat my possum with pride


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## ozzydiodude (Jul 22, 2012)

:confused2: Beaver is only good for sushi :laugh:


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## BackWoodsDrifter (Jul 22, 2012)

Yual be readin from m dictionary thing gain lol there some funny in there fur sur!

BWD


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## BackWoodsDrifter (Jul 22, 2012)

ozzydiodude said:
			
		

> :confused2: Beaver is only good for sushi :laugh:


 

Mmmm I like me beaver :hubba: :icon_smile: 

BWD


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## ozzydiodude (Jul 23, 2012)

This Irishman walk out of a bar


no wait it can happen


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## YYZ Skinhead (Jul 23, 2012)

What do you call a thousand Angelenos on the bottom of the Pacific?

A good start.  (Arizona Bay FTW.)


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## ozzydiodude (Jul 23, 2012)

What do you call a cow who's lost a child?
Decaffeinated.


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## Irish (Jul 25, 2012)

the fight we had last night was my fault...my wife asked what was on the tv and i said dust...


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## Irish (Jul 25, 2012)

hick, ozzy, and bwd were driving along in thier pickup when they saw a sheep caught in a fence.

ozzy said, ''i wish that was sharon stone''...

bwd said, ''i wish that was demi moore''...

hick sighed and said, ''i wish it was dark''...


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## ozzydiodude (Jul 25, 2012)

:rofl:You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Irish again.


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## SmokinMom (Jul 25, 2012)

Lmao loving these  

If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
Missle toe


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## BackWoodsDrifter (Jul 25, 2012)

And how and why do women I here get camel toe? Is it from bein close to camels 

BWD


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## Slowlyburn (Jul 25, 2012)

What do you call an alien with 3 balls?


E.T.    Extra Testicle


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## SPEARCHUCKER (Jul 25, 2012)

One I got off a Popsicle while ago.

Why was the rock so stubborn?
Cause he was hard headed.


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## ozzydiodude (Jul 28, 2012)

I love this Doctor

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? 
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? 
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? 
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? 
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? 
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little big around the middle? 
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me? 
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure? 
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? 
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks

than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.


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## ston-loc (Jul 29, 2012)

:rofl: X1,000,000


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## SmokinMom (Aug 6, 2012)

Two men walked into a bar. The third one ducked 

Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted.

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?  Dam!


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## 7greeneyes (Aug 6, 2012)

Question: What is the difference between politicians and stoners ?
Answer: Politicians don&#8217;t inhale&#8230;they just suck.


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## 7greeneyes (Aug 6, 2012)

Question: How do you get a one armed hippie out of a tree ?
Answer: You pass him a joint.


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## 7greeneyes (Aug 6, 2012)

Question: Hear about the stoner who put his condom on backwards ?
Answer: He went


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## SmokinMom (Aug 6, 2012)

What's brown and sticky?  a stick 

Did you hear about the guy who got sliced up on his left side? He's all right now.

Two men walk into a bar.  One says, "I'll have some H2O, please."  The other says "I'll have some H2O too, please." And he died.


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## YYZ Skinhead (Aug 6, 2012)

A guy says to a girl in a bar, "I sure would like to take you out."  She says "Okay."  So he shoots her.


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## Rick (Aug 7, 2012)

Q: what do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire ?


A: Frostbite


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## 7greeneyes (Aug 7, 2012)

hi *Rick*  :ciao: :welcome: to Marijuana Passion. Thanks for posting here...funny joke :aok:


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## SmokinMom (Aug 7, 2012)

YYZ Skinhead said:
			
		

> A guy says to a girl in a bar, "I sure would like to take you out."  She says "Okay."  So he shoots her.



Hahah love!!

What's red, green, and goes 60mph?
A frog in a blender.


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## SmokinMom (Aug 9, 2012)

I don't know who the next great Female USA beach volleyball girl may be, but I bet Misty may trainor.  

Bah, lmfao.


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## monkeybusiness (Aug 9, 2012)

two chimps in a bathtub..

First chimp says, "ooo, ooo, ooo, ahh, ahh, ahh"

Second chimp says, "well put some cold in then!"


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## ozzydiodude (Aug 9, 2012)

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
They have big fingers.

Why does Tigger smell bad?
He's always playing with pooh.


What do you call a defective boomerang?
A stick.


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## YYZ Skinhead (Aug 15, 2012)

Why are people who eat boogers finicky?

They are picky eaters.


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## SmokinMom (Sep 4, 2012)

Why doesn't a chicken wear pants?  Because his pecker is on his head!   

What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?  Bingo.  lmao.

The gerneric name for viagra- mycoxaflopin.


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## ArtVandolay (Sep 4, 2012)

(1) What does the average Texas A&M player get on his SATs?

Drool.

(2) What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?

A full set of teeth.

(3) How do you get a Nebraska cheerleader into your dorm room?

Grease her hips and push.

(4) How do you get a Colorado graduate off your porch?

Pay him for the pizza.

(5) Why do the Texas Tech cheerleaders wear bibs?

To keep the tobacco juiceoff their uniforms.

(6) Why is the Baylor football team like a possum?

Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

(7) What are the longest three years of a Kansas State fottball player's life?

His freshman year.

(8) How many OU freshman does it take to change a light bulb?

None.  That's a sophomore class.


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## Roddy (Sep 5, 2012)

:ciao: Art!! Good to see you around, my friend!


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## SmokinMom (Sep 6, 2012)

What do you call a cow with no legs?  Ground beef.  

What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?  Look grandpa, no hands!


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## YYZ Skinhead (Sep 6, 2012)

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

The rooster.


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## Marsrover1 (Sep 9, 2012)

a man is speeding down an old country road, when he sees red lights in the mirror, so he keeps going for a bit, he at last decides to pull over, cop comes up to the window says buddy your in deep S#@t unless you got one ive never heard befor, the speeder says "last week my wife ran off with a cop i thought you were trying to give her back"  have a nice day sir was the cops reply and he took off


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## SmokinMom (Sep 9, 2012)

Excellent, mars!  Hahahahahah.


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## drfting07 (Sep 11, 2012)

Two friends were sitting on a park bench. They went together to walk a dog. As they are watching him play, the dog sits down and starts licking his own stink star. The friend of the dog owner tells the man "I wish i could do that" 

The owner responds "HE'LL BITE YOU!"


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## astrobud (Sep 14, 2012)

what did the duck say when the pharmacy gave him some lip baum.             put that on my bill... ta da


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## ArtVandolay (Sep 14, 2012)

Why do birds fly south for the winter?





Because it's too far to walk.


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## SmokinMom (Sep 20, 2012)

What kind of weapon do bees use?  BB guns .

What do you get when you cross a sheep and a bee?  A bah-humbug.

What is invisible and smells like carrots?  Rabbit farts.

Why wouldn't the shrimp share his treasure?  Because he was a little shellfish.


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## SmokinMom (Sep 24, 2012)

If a 'Fly' had no wings is it a 'walk'?

Exercise is a dirty word.
Every time I hear it I wash my mouth with chocolate.

Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.


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## Iams (Sep 24, 2012)

Did you hear Doans back ache pills and Viagra are working together on a new pill? 

Its for helping your back to not peter out and your peter to not back out.:hubba:


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## Danbridge (Sep 24, 2012)

Q: How many stoners does it take  to change a light bulb?
A: None. You know why?   ....oh wow you mean the light bulb is out?


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## Classic (Sep 30, 2012)

All the waterfowl kept their eyes closed except for one. He was a Peking Duck.


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## docfr8 (Oct 4, 2012)

: Whats Darth Vader's wife's name?????



Ela-vader

:vap-leafy_wave


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## SmokinMom (Oct 15, 2012)

I asked god for a bike but I know he doesnt work that way.  So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Why don&#8217;t aliens eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

What do you call an Irish man who sits out all night in the garden?
Paddy O&#8217;Furniture.


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## YYZ Skinhead (Oct 15, 2012)

Why would Effexor, Prozac, Demerol and dextromethorphan have prevented communism in China?

They are MAO inhibitors.


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## Marsrover1 (Oct 16, 2012)

Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.

Don't leand people money it gives them amnesia.


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## SmokinMom (Oct 16, 2012)

I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.


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## YYZ Skinhead (Oct 17, 2012)

First Bob Hope died, then Johnny Cash died, then Steve Jobs died.  Now we have no Jobs, no Cash and no Hope.


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## 7greeneyes (Oct 17, 2012)

whuh whuuuh....yyz:rofl:

here's a corny bit of blue humor ....iffy joke

A corn cob, a pickle and a male phallice were talking about their awful lives. 

The corn cob said my life sucks, when i get big and fat they cut me up and cook me.

The pickle said when I get big and fat they cover me in vinegar & throw me in a jar.

The male phallice said, when I get big and fat they pull a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark, damp room and bang my head against the wall till I throw up and pass out!


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## SmokinMom (Oct 17, 2012)

bad 7!  lmfao.

--

Ive been charged with murder for killing a man with sand paper.I only intended too rough him up a bit.


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## OldDaddyFedder (Oct 18, 2012)

Papa mole,Mama mole and baby mole all went for a walk one day. Papa mole was out front followed by Mama mole, then little baby mole.
As they cleared the top of a hill, Papa mole suddenly stopped and sniffed the air. "I smell Barbecue ribs and hamburgers" said Papa mole."I smell potato salad and baked beans" said Mama mole. "Thats funny" said baby mole "All I smell is molasses".

:48:

ODF


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## SmokinMom (Oct 19, 2012)

What's Mary short for?

She has no legs.


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## SmokinMom (Oct 19, 2012)

Broken pencils are Pointless.

:giggle:


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## Irish (Oct 20, 2012)

what kind of rooms have no walls?

mushrooms...


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## YYZ Skinhead (Oct 22, 2012)

What wsa Steve Jobs's fav fruit?

Cantaloupe.


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## SmokinMom (Oct 25, 2012)

I'm slow and don't get that one.  

--

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'


'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.


(Are you ready for this?)





'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'   :spit:


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## Irish (Oct 28, 2012)

on a cold, cold night, two bulls are standing in a field. one says, ''boy it's mighty cold out here''. the other says, ''yes, i think i might slip into a nice jersey''...

why do you need a drivers license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

and does a steam roller really roll steam?


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## YYZ Skinhead (Oct 29, 2012)

What is found both on a pool table and in a man's trousers?





Pockets.


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## Leonardo De Garden (Oct 31, 2012)

A rope walks into a bar...
goes up to the bartender, and says' "can I order a drink".
The bartender says "No, we don't serve ropes here".
So the rope leaves the bar, and while he's outside he gets angry about the prejudice. He works himself up over it, and twists and turns and pulls at his ends and tugs at his hair. Then he storms back into the bar.
"Barkeep, I want a drink".
The barkeep looks him over and says "We don't serve rope here, are you a rope?"

To which of course the rope responded "I'm a frayed knot. Give me the drink."


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## YYZ Skinhead (Nov 3, 2012)

What muscle relaxant pills do German car manufacturers pop?

Benzodiazepines.


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## SmokinMom (Nov 4, 2012)

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ***."

"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?

"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your *** it won't be Cheerios!"


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## YYZ Skinhead (Nov 5, 2012)

What show has Russian emperors busting a move?  _Dancing with the Tsars._


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## drfting07 (Nov 6, 2012)

I farted........That is all.

:rofl: :48:


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## YYZ Skinhead (Nov 6, 2012)

drfting07 said:
			
		

> I farted........That is all.
> 
> :rofl: :48:


It might not be healthy to pass a lit joint after passing a fart, depending on the severity of the fart...had *I* farted and struck a match everyone reading this would be blasted to kingdom come through their screens.


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## SmokinMom (Nov 9, 2012)

What's grey and comes in quarts?



An elephant.


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## YYZ Skinhead (Nov 9, 2012)

What do you call a pot-smoking fiddle player?  High strung.


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## Classic (Nov 15, 2012)

What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta.


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## YYZ Skinhead (Nov 17, 2012)

What is _Degrassi High_?

What people get when they smoke de grass.


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## astrobud (Dec 1, 2012)

Brunette, "What's wrong?" Blonde crying hysterically next to a brand new convertible, "I locked my keys in my car with the top down...and it's about to rain!"


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## Iams (Dec 3, 2012)

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, Pour me a stiff one  just had another fight with the little woman. Oh yeah? said Charlie , And how did this one end?
When it was over, Mike replied, She came to me on her hands and knees.
Really, said Charles, Now thats a switch! What did she say? 
She said, Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.

:giggle:


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## astrobud (Dec 6, 2012)




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## PotSmokinSaint (Dec 7, 2012)

What's the difference between a wife and pizza dough?


Pizza dough does not press charges when you beat it.


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## Iams (Dec 19, 2012)

All the guys were at a deer camp..... No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you?" 

He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"

He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"Good morning!" he said. 

They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" 

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed,
patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night on his forehead. 
Bob sat up and watched me all night."

With age comes wisdom.


LOL


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## YYZ Skinhead (Dec 19, 2012)

Who is a pot grower's least-liked mythological figure?  Hermes.


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## 7greeneyes (Dec 19, 2012)

:rofl: okay thats funny


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## Iams (Dec 20, 2012)

A 90-year old man was having his annual check-up and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"


The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No." The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear." 

"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor. 
 
​


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## Iams (Dec 24, 2012)

*The Little Angel on the Top of the Christmas Tree!*

*One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit; this stressed Santa even more. *

*When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out at heaven knows where. More stress. *
 
*Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink.*

*In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffeepot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made of. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. *

*The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?*

*Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the tree.*









*Author Unknown*


*AAAAAHHHHHHH Tradition!*


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## YYZ Skinhead (Feb 12, 2013)

How did the tobacco addict give up tobacco after he started smoking pot?

He quit while he was a head.


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## Greivel4survival (Feb 12, 2013)

Why did the lifeguard not save the old hippy drowning  in the ocean? He was too far out man. 

                                OR

What is a jamaican in jail? A pokey mon!


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## BackWoodsDrifter (Feb 12, 2013)

What yual call and anerexic with a yeast infection?

A Quarter Pounder with Cheeze!


Ewwwww 

BWD


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## YYZ Skinhead (Feb 17, 2013)

Why is it hazardous to go into a garden?

The grass has blades, the flowers have pistils, and the leaves shoot.


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## YYZ Skinhead (Apr 24, 2013)

What do you call an Apple puter and a Windows OS PC side by side?

Mac and cheese.  :evil:


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## YYZ Skinhead (Apr 24, 2013)

NuggetHunterMan said:
			
		

> now that's funny and getting told to my kids this weekend when we plant our outdoor veggie garden


I so wish I had made up that joke...I love "botanical humor".  :icon_smile:


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## SmokinMom (Jul 14, 2013)

What do you call a cow with no legs??




Ground beef


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## SmokinMom (Aug 20, 2013)

Is athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?









Missile toe.


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## Grower13 (Aug 22, 2013)

Q: How do fish party ?
A: Seaweed.


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## 7greeneyes (Aug 22, 2013)

Why did the Stormtrooper buy an Iphone?

Because he couldn't find the Droid he was looking for....


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## 7greeneyes (Aug 22, 2013)

What do you call a round knight?

Sir Cumference:doh:


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## 7greeneyes (Aug 22, 2013)

What do you call a child born in a brothel?

A brothel sprout.... :rofl:


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## SmokinMom (Aug 27, 2013)

Q:What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?

A:Look grandpa, no hands!


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## Grower13 (Aug 27, 2013)

What do you call a boomerang that doesn&#8217;t work?
 A stick.


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## 7greeneyes (Aug 28, 2013)

*(crudeness warning)*


HERE's a corney joke.

There once was three guys who didn't have any money. or any food.

They had been stealing food for the past couple of days and still wern't satiafied.

One guy finally said ,"Wouldn't it be better to ask for food instead of stealing it ?"

They all agreed so one day they went up to this house and rang the door bell . An old lady answered .

They asked her for food . She said she would only give them food if they slept with her .

The first guy refused and so did the second, but the third guy was so hungry that he agreed.

She took him into her barn and said to get started.

He said he wanted to blindfold her and she agreed because she was so desperate.

Once blindfolded he took a piece of corn and started EDITleasuring her with it. He threw that piece of corn out the barn window and took another piece of corn and started EDIT: pleasuring her with that one.

Afterwards she fed him like she said she would and he left .

The two other guys told him they couldn't believe he had done that for food, especially since they had found free corn around the side of the barn.


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## monkeybusiness (Aug 28, 2013)

What happened when the Blue shipped collided with the Red ship??


...All the passengers became marooned!


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## PokeyPuppy420 (Sep 3, 2013)

Deleted based upon my better (sober) judgement...


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## SmokinMom (Sep 4, 2013)

She couldn't afford a car so she named her daughter Alexus.


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## PokeyPuppy420 (Sep 6, 2013)

Deleted...


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## Melvan (Sep 6, 2013)

Rude, not corny


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## PokeyPuppy420 (Sep 7, 2013)

Melvan said:
			
		

> Rude, not corny



You're right.  I deleted mine, now please delete your quote, and my bad joke will be gone for good...sorry.


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## SmokinMom (Sep 7, 2013)

Thanks for deleting it.  . I like these to be silly and fun without offending anyone.  I always get a laugh reading these.  

Knock knock

Who's there?

Madam

Madam who?

Madam foot got caught in the door.


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## Auburn1985 (Sep 8, 2013)

Why do we park on a drive way and drive on a parkway?


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## Auburn1985 (Sep 8, 2013)

Knock knock...

Who's there?

Boo.

Boo who?

Sorry I made you cry...


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## Grower13 (Sep 8, 2013)

How do you know your a pothead?
 You studied five days for a urine test.


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## SmokinMom (Sep 8, 2013)

Grower13 said:
			
		

> How do you know your a pothead?
> You studied five days for a urine test.



:spit: excellent!

I love all these silly jokes, but that's one of my favorites.


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## 7greeneyes (Sep 9, 2013)

How do you know when you have smoked enough pot ? 

When you start looking around for the directions on how to use the lighter.


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## anglerguy78 (Sep 9, 2013)

What happens 18 hours after a shrubbery eats a small boy?


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## 7greeneyes (Sep 9, 2013)

:rofl:


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## Auburn1985 (Sep 9, 2013)

What is the Chinese word for constipation?

Hungchow.


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## Grower13 (Sep 9, 2013)

What do you call a pig that does karate? 

A pork chop!


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## Grower13 (Sep 9, 2013)

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? 
Make me one with everything!


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## Auburn1985 (Sep 10, 2013)

How many politicians does it take to eat a possum?

Three.  One to eat, and two to watch for cars.


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## Auburn1985 (Sep 10, 2013)

How do you keep a politician from drowning?

Take your foot off his head.


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## Auburn1985 (Sep 10, 2013)

What do you call three lawyers drowning at the bottom of a lake?

A good start.


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## Auburn1985 (Sep 10, 2013)

What is the only thing harder than being a baseball umpire?

Being happily married.


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## Auburn1985 (Sep 10, 2013)

A priest, a rabbi, and a baptist minister were riding the subway one day...no, too crude


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## Auburn1985 (Sep 10, 2013)

What's the only thing worse than a Barry Manilow song?  

Two Barry Manilow songs.


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## Auburn1985 (Sep 10, 2013)

What is the mating call of a Kardashian sister?

"I'm drunk!".


----------



## Auburn1985 (Sep 10, 2013)

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?  

Three.  One to hold the light bulb, and two to rotate the ladder.


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## Auburn1985 (Sep 12, 2013)

One Alabama football player asked another to stand behind his car to see if the blinker was working.

He replied: yes, no, yes, no...


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## Melvan (Sep 12, 2013)

Auburn1985 said:
			
		

> One Alabama football player asked another to stand behind his car to see if the blinker was working.
> 
> He replied: yes, no, yes, no...



That one there is funny, but when I tell it, it will be a Michigan football player, Go Bucks!


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## 7greeneyes (Sep 12, 2013)

:giggle:


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## Melvan (Oct 24, 2013)

What did the fish say when it swam into the wall?

Dam!


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## SmokinMom (Mar 12, 2014)

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.


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## SmokinMom (Mar 12, 2014)

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo&#8217; drizzle.


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## 7greeneyes (Mar 13, 2014)

:rofl:

 The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.


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## 7greeneyes (Mar 13, 2014)

You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart.


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## 7greeneyes (Mar 13, 2014)

Question: How does NASA organize their company parties? 

Answer: They planet.

:rofl:

:stoned:

:rofl:


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## 7greeneyes (Mar 13, 2014)

How did the hipster burn his tongue? 


He drank his coffee before it was cool.


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## SmokinMom (May 1, 2014)

What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.


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## SmokinMom (May 1, 2014)

7greeneyes said:


> How did the hipster burn his tongue?
> 
> 
> He drank his coffee before it was cool.




Awesome!!


----------



## Rosebud (May 1, 2014)

What do you get when you mix pms with gps?

A moody ***** that can find you!


----------



## 7greeneyes (May 1, 2014)

THAT's FUNNY :rofl:


----------



## Sherrwood (May 8, 2014)

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing, you've already told her twice


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## 7greeneyes (May 9, 2014)

Yikes!

:rofl:


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## Sherrwood (May 9, 2014)

7greeneyes said:


> Yikes!
> 
> :rofl:



Lol, i just tell em like i hear em


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## Sherrwood (May 9, 2014)

What's the first thing a woman does once she leaves the battering shelter?

Well, the dishes, if she knows what's good for her.


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## 7greeneyes (May 12, 2014)

*Ziiinnng!* :rofl: good follow up there.


----------



## Kindbud (May 15, 2014)

what the difference between bungee jumping and a hooker??

both are around 100 bucks and if the rubber breaks ur fucked!!! LMAO


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## SmokinMom (May 21, 2014)

Lol y'all are so bad..

What do you call a pile of cats?



A meowtain, of course!


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## Grower13 (May 21, 2014)

View attachment 53058747eb4272bf9dc7e09a22f348e7.jpg


View attachment Screen-Shot-2013-11-15-at-10_17_21-PM.png


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## 7greeneyes (May 27, 2014)

SmokinMom said:


> Lol y'all are so bad..
> 
> What do you call a pile of cats?
> 
> ...




:rofl:


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## SmokinMom (Jun 8, 2014)

:rofl: 

View attachment image.jpg


----------



## 7greeneyes (Jun 9, 2014)

:rofl:


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## SmokinMom (Jun 12, 2014)

Why are there fences around cemeteries? 

Because people are dying to get in.

:rofl:


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## Rosebud (Jun 13, 2014)

View attachment poison 2.jpg


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## Hackerman (Jun 13, 2014)

What do a West Virginia Divorce and a hurricane have in common?

In both cases, someone is going to loose a trailer.


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## SmokinMom (Jun 15, 2014)

Lololol.  Thanks for the laugh guys and girls..

What's grey and comes in quarts?  Why an elephant, of course!!


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## Sherrwood (Sep 16, 2014)

A toothless termite walks into a bar and asks;
Wheres the bar tender.


Get it? Lol


----------



## trillions of atoms (Sep 17, 2014)

How do cats stop fighting?


They hiss and make up.



Terrible I know.


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## Hippie420 (Sep 22, 2014)

SmokinMom said:


> Lololol. Thanks for the laugh guys and girls..
> 
> What's grey and comes in quarts? Why an elephant, of course!!




 Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles?



 His wife died...........


----------



## Hackerman (Sep 22, 2014)

How does the president of Monsanto make a hormone?



He doesn't pay her.


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## Hippie420 (Sep 22, 2014)

Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslectic insomniac? 


He laid awake all night, wondering if there really is a Dog.


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