# Todays funny



## Dubbaman (Mar 16, 2008)

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in back. It was properly
shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with a few picnic tables, horseshoe pits, and some apple and peach trees. 



One evening, the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while to look it over. He 
grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing
with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. 



He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.One of the women shouted to him,
"We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked 
or make you get out of the pond naked." 



Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."


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## lowrys girl (Mar 16, 2008)

hahahahahahahahaha thats soooo funny, scary for those girls lol, but it'll teach them not to swim on other people's property!!!! very very funny!!!


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## Kupunakane (Mar 16, 2008)

Very good Dubba,
   Ya gotta love it right ?

smoke in peace
KingKahuuna


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## 4u2sm0ke (Mar 16, 2008)

LMAO...very funny Dubba..Thanks


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## THE BROTHER'S GRUNT (Mar 17, 2008)

*ROLMAO :rofl: Thanks for the morning laugh D.  *


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## Dubbaman (Mar 19, 2008)

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own, and went to the lobby to
put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out
of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at 
the
young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her
robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The 
poor
kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,  "Let's go to
my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against
it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him,
"What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears?  Look at these breasts;
they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm 
and
solid.  Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the
best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered  ...."Outside, when you said you heard
someone coming.........That was me."


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## headband (Mar 19, 2008)

im to stoned to figure this out bro, **** its been 20 minutes already:shocked: haha   fun


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## Dubbaman (Mar 19, 2008)

:rofl: now thats funny.


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## sportcardiva (Mar 19, 2008)

lol


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## annscrib (Mar 19, 2008)

the farm one was just to funny :giggle: :giggle:


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## Dubbaman (Mar 20, 2008)

Hung Chow calls into 
work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, 
stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes 
everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great.
I be at work soon..... You got nice house.'


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## Dubbaman (Mar 22, 2008)

My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, 

' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
 ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! ..........You could learn a lot from him.' 
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 
 'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
 I looked at her and said, Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'

 My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.


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## Old Bud (Mar 23, 2008)

Reminds me of a supposedly true story about US President Calvin Coolidge, a man of few words nicknamed "Silent Cal". He and the First Lady (who talked enough for both of them) were at a County fair and were viewing the poultry exhibits. Silent Cals wife had a conversation with a poultry farmer about roosters, and upon asking, was told that a rooster was capable of breeding 6 or 7 times a day. She replied "Tell the President" which the farmer did. Silent Cal says "Same Hen?" The farmer "No, Mr. President, a different hen each time. Silent Cal: "Tell the First Lady."


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## Dubbaman (Mar 28, 2008)

Dusty Underwear"

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 
'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!' 

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a 
comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 

'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud 
appeared when he shook them out. 'April,' he hollered into 
the bathroom... 

'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?' 

She replied with a snicker... 
'It's not talcum powder...... It's 'Miracle Grow.'........


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## Timmyjg6 (Mar 28, 2008)

LOL, nice


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## Dubbaman (Apr 22, 2008)

RETIREMENT PLANNING FOR 2008 
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. 
With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00. 
With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left. 
If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. 
But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling - - REFUND, You would have had $214.00.
So, based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. 
It's called the 401-Keg Plan.


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## RedGuerilla (Apr 22, 2008)

Haha wasup DUbbz, Very funny thread man, Keep on writing em LOL.
"'It's not talcum powder...... It's 'Miracle Grow.'........" Haha too funny...


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## smokybear (Apr 22, 2008)

Great stuff dubba. Keep em coming. Take care and be safe.


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## Dubbaman (Apr 23, 2008)

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?"She asked.
"Hunting Flies"He responded.
"Oh. ! Killing any?"She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked."How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can,2 were on the phone."


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## Dubbaman (Apr 23, 2008)

The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and 
putting both legs behind her head, yoga style. 

The second old woman thought that this was a great idea, so that night when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed; she got totally naked and began the process of putting her legs behind her head. 

The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic. However, she finally got it in place. 

She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head. 

However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air. It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom. 


'Gladys!' he exclaimed.' For heaven¹s sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in .... You look like an arsehole.'


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## Dubbaman (Apr 23, 2008)

A little girl asked her father, "How did the human race appear?"

The father answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so
was all mankind made."

"Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question. The mother answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

"The confused girl returned to her father and said, "Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mama said they developed from monkeys?"

The father answered, "Well, dear, it is very
simple. I told you about my side of the family and your Mama told you about hers."


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## smokybear (Apr 23, 2008)

Lol. Very nice. Take care and be safe.


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## Dubbaman (Apr 29, 2008)

Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key  West to Boston .  After almost twenty-four hours on  the road, they' re too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. 

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back  on the road. 

When  they check out four hours later, the desk clerk  hands them a bill for $350. 


The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's  a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth  $350.00! 

When the clerk tells him $350 is the  standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.. 


The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then  explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. 

'But we didn't use them,' the man complains. 


'Well, they are here, and you could have,'  explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the  hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,' the  Manager says. 


'But we didn't go to any of those shows,  'complains the man again. 


'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies 


No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, 'But we didn't use  it!' 


The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.  He writes a check and  gives it to the Manager. 

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. 'But sir,' he says, this check is only made out for $50.00.' 


'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.' 


'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager. 


'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here  and you could have.'


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## 4u2sm0ke (Apr 29, 2008)

:rofl: ..That is too funny..Thanks Dubbaman for the chuckle


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## Dubbaman (May 1, 2008)

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to
change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into
Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The
policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.

The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly
asked the man, 'Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day
was going when you died.'

No problem, the man said. 'I came home to my 25th-floor
apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover
was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife
was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.

Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto
the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by
his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the
balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground.

But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes
that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more.
In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I
could get my hands on to throw at him.

Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator.

I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it
over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!

The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.'

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy
did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced,
'OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven' and let him in. 

A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was Donald political name.

'Mr. political name, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what
your day was like when you died.' 

political name said, 'No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I
was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises.
I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to
relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and
accidentally fell over the side!

Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the
balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out
of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of
course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my
fall, so I didn't die right away.As I'm laying there face up on the ground , unable to move and in excruciating pain,I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things,off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me,
killing me instantly.'

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as political name finishes his story. 

'I could get used to this new policy,' he thinks to himself. 

'Very well,' the Angel announces. 'Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven' and he lets political name enter.

A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. TheAngel is almost too shocked to speak. 

Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head.

 Finallyhe says, 'Mr.President, please tell me what it was like the day you died.'

Clinton says, 'OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator...


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## Hick (May 1, 2008)

There is always two ways to look at everything:

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink, as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asks, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed. 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife....'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

Now you see, there really are two ways to look at everything.


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## Dubbaman (May 6, 2008)

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick His wife Marsha has long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day, John came home about noon and told Marsha that he had gone to a nearby city and purchased a Robot. It was no ordinary robot, but it was in fact a Lie Detector. He said it had to charge 4 or 5 hours, and then he would show her how it worked.

At 5:30 that afternoon, Tommy, their 11 year old son, came in from school, nearly 2 hours and 15 minutes late. Both parents were understandably angry.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they asked.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.

The Robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'

'What did you watch?', asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.'

The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents, never tried to see dirty pictures much less dirty movies, told dirty jokes, nor did I misbehave.'

The robot walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that not only knocked him out of his chair, but out the back door and half way across the patio.

When he came back inside, Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your son!'

The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and literally slapped the snot out of her, not once, but three times.


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## Dubbaman (May 9, 2008)

Proof That The World Is Nuts

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.





(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. 

(Do they look different reversed?) 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. 

(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than "going blind!")
* ~ *~*~* ~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside And deflower young virgins, who pay Them for the privilege of having sex For the first time

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. 

(Let's just think for a minute; is there Any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?) 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 




In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. 



The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. 


(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores. 
(But of course!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 




In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. 

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?) 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." 

(Is this a great country or what? 



Well, not as great as Guam !)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

Banging your head against a wall uses 



150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff?) 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and Always falls over on its right side 



When intoxicated. 



(From drinking little bottles of???) 

(Did the government pay For this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet 

(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. 

(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains

(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts. 


(And I thought I had bad Breath in the morning)


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## Dubbaman (May 9, 2008)

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER 

 1. Sag, you're It. 

 2. Hide and go pee. 

 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear. 

 4. Kick the bucket 

 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over. 

 6. Musical recliners. 

 7. Simon says - something incoherent. 

 8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy 

  SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE : 

 1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale. 

 2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them. 

 3. You change your underwear after a sneeze. 

  OLD IS WHEN: 

 1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. 

 2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go a long. 

 3. Getting a little action means you don't need fiber today. 

 4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot. 

 5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee! 

  Thoughts for the weekend: 

 Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr- Alt- Delete' and start all over? 

 If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called 'labor!' 

 Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. 

  Ponderisms 

 I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. 

 Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. 

 The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. 

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? 

 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. 

 How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? 

 Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?' 

 Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.' 

 If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? 

 Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway? 

  Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? 

 But Most Of All, Remember! 

 A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra: Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!


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## HydroManiac (May 9, 2008)

Guam woman pay to lose there virginty THAT IS CRAZY CRAZY I TELL U!!


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## Dubbaman (May 12, 2008)




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## Dubbaman (May 13, 2008)

The funniest Staff Meeting Ever!



The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.



The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.



About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:



10.   Viagra, Whaazzzz up!



9.   Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.



8.   Viagra, like a rock !



7.   Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.



6   Viagra, Be all that you can be.



5.   Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.



4.   Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.



3.   Viagra, Home of the whopper!



2.   Viagra, We bring good things to Life!



And the unanimous number one slogan:



1.   This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.


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## Dubbaman (May 15, 2008)

"We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other liberal bed-wetters. We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights."



ARTICLE  I:  You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

 ARTICLE  II:  You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you!  You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc.; but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.


ARTICLE  III:  You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful; do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

 ARTICLE  IV:  You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

(This one is my pet peeve...get an education and go to work.... don't expect everyone else to take care of you!)

 ARTICLE  V:  You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.

 ARTICLE   VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

 ARTICLE  VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.

 ARTICLE  VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful. (AMEN!)

 ARTICLE  IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

 ARTICLE  X: This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you are from, English is our language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came from!
(Lastly....)

 ARTICLE  XI:  You do not have the right to change our country's history or heritage. This country was founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable with it, TOUGH!

 The preceding has been attributed to State Representative Mitchell Kaye from GA. This guy should run for President one day...

If you agree, share this with a friend. No, you don't have to, and nothing tragic will befall you if you don't. I just think it's about time common sense is allowed to flourish. Sensible people of the United States speak out because if you do not, who will?


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## trillions of atoms (May 15, 2008)

i love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Dubbaman (May 22, 2008)

A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. 

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, 'You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.' 

The cowboy replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.' 

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. 

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. 

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.' 

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. 

'Oh, no, everybody's just fine, ' he explains, 'It's jus t that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.' 

'Hasn't affected my brothers though.'


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## Dubbaman (May 24, 2008)

A husband and wife are shopping in Wal Mart when the man picks up a 
case of Budweiser and puts them into the shopping cart. 
'What do you think you're doing?'asks his wife. 
'They're on sale, only $15 for 24 cans,' he says, 
'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping ... 
A few aisles later the woman picks up a $30 jar of face cream and sticks  it into the shopping cart. 
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man, 
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says. The man 
replies...'so does 24 cans of Budweiser, and it's only half the price!!!'


Sorry to say my wife then hit me and bought 2 jars of the cream


----------



## pothead (May 24, 2008)

Dubbaman said:
			
		

> A young man moved into a new apartment of his own, and went to the lobby to
> put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out
> of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at
> the
> ...




HAHA I TOTALLY GET IT!!!!!!!! LOL!!!!!!!   :rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:


----------



## Dubbaman (May 28, 2008)

This installment of todays funny is in no way ment to disrespect anyone in anyform this is all very true of how one (or more) people think about the subject of how the weather is told to others. Ive also cleaned up the language a bit.


Black hurricanes....

Well, it appears our African-American friends have found yet something
else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman (this would be Sheila
Jackson Lee, of Houston ), reportedly complained that the names of
hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names.

She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such
as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal. I am NOT making
this up!

She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in 'language'
that street people can understand because one of the problems that
happened in New Orleans was, that black people couldn't understand the
seriousness of the situation, due to the racially biased language of
the weather report.

I guess if the weather person says that the winds are going to blow at
140+ MPH, that's too hard to understand

I can hear it now: A weatherman in New Orleans says...

Wazzup, (bad word for your dad)! Hehr-i-cane
Chamiqua be headin' fo ' yo a(rump) like Leroy on a crotch rocket!
(female dog) be a category fo'! So, turn off dem chitlins, grab yo' chirren,
leave yo crib, and head fo' de nea rest FEMA office fo yo FREE S-word!


----------



## godspeedsuckah (May 28, 2008)

LMAO, and I believe this to be true.


----------



## Dubbaman (Jun 6, 2008)

I recently chose a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. 

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?' 

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?' 

'No,' I replied. 'I don't do drugs, either. ' 

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?' 

I said, 'No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy' 

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, fishing or relaxing on the beach?' 

'No, I don't,' I said. 

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?' 

'No,' I said. 'I don't do any of those things.' 

Then he looked at me and asked, 'Then why do you care?'


----------



## Dubbaman (Jun 9, 2008)

New Treatment For Sunburn -

A guy fell asleep on the beach for  Several hours And got horrible sunburn,  Specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being
diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed Continuous intravenous feeding With saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'?

The doctor replied,
'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his
legs.'


----------



## Dubbaman (Jun 9, 2008)

TEACHER:   Maria, go to the map and find  North America  .
MARIA:       Here it is.
TEACHER:  Correct. Now class, who discovered  America  ?
CLASS:        Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER:  John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:         You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN:       K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER:  No, that's wrong
GLENN:       Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER:  Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:     H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:  What are you talking about?
DONALD:     Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER:  Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE:     Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER:  Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:          Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER:    Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE:          I is..
TEACHER:    No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE:          All right...  'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'     
_________________________________
TEACHER:   George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.  Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS:         Because George still had the axe in his hand.  
______________________________________

TEACHER:  Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:      No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER:    Clyde  , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE :       No, sir.  It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER:     Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:      A teacher


----------



## Dubbaman (Jun 9, 2008)

During a visit to a mental institution, the visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." 
"Oh, I understand." said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." 

"No." said the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"


----------



## Dubbaman (Jun 10, 2008)

A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor.    After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.  She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.


An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was.  After listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.


Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.  "What's wrong with you?" he demanded.  "This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!"


The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said: "Does she still have the hiccups?


----------



## Dubbaman (Jun 10, 2008)

MY NEXT LIFE!
I want to live my next life backwards:
You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy,
enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work for 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for High School:  drink alcohol, party, and you're
generally promiscuous. Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, 
you play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxurious,
spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...
You finish off as an orgasm.


----------



## CasualGrower (Jun 10, 2008)

HAHAHA I love that one )


----------



## KGB30 (Jun 10, 2008)

Dude your killing me .


----------



## BBFan (Jun 12, 2008)

Hey Dubbaman- sorry to cut in on your thread but I got one for ya:
Two old stoners, a husband and wife, start having trouble with their memory, so they go to their doctor.  The doctor tells them there&#8217;s not much he can do for them but suggests that they write things down to help them remember things.

That evening, after sparking one up, they&#8217;re sitting in the living room watching TV.  The husband gets up and heads towards the kitchen.

The wife asks, &#8220;Where are you going?&#8221;

The husband replies, &#8220;I&#8217;m going to the kitchen to get a bowl of ice cream.&#8221;

The wife says &#8220;Shouldn&#8217;t you write that down, you know what the doctor said.&#8221;

The husband replies, &#8220;I&#8217;m just going to the kitchen to get a bowl of ice cream, I don&#8217;t need to write that down.&#8221;

The wife says, &#8220;Well, can you get me a bowl too?&#8221;

The husband replies, &#8220;Sure.&#8221;

The wife says, &#8220;Can you put some whipped cream on that for me?&#8221;

The husband replies, &#8220;Sure.&#8221;

The wife suggests &#8220;Shouldn&#8217;t you write that down?&#8221;

The husband replies, &#8220;Look, I&#8217;m getting a bowl of ice cream for myself and a bowl with whipped cream for you, I can remember that.&#8221;

The wife adds, &#8220;Can you also put a cherry on mine?  You know, you should really write that down.&#8221;

The husband, getting a little irate, replies, &#8220;A bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top, I got it, I don&#8217;t need to write it down, and heads into the kitchen.&#8221;

Twenty minutes later the husband comes back from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

The wife says, &#8220;You see, I told you that you should have written it down, you forgot my toast!&#8221;


----------



## Dubbaman (Jun 13, 2008)

hxxp://youtube.com/watch?v=2rv9b-9qBIc


----------



## Dubbaman (Jun 13, 2008)

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...

Upon hearing  that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie
went straight to  her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old
grandmother and comfort  her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,  
He
had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people  nearly 100 years 
old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago,  realizing our 
advanced
age, we figured out the best time to do it was when  the church bells
would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and
even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,
"He'd  still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."


----------



## Dubbaman (Jun 13, 2008)

IRS Refund Checks
How to use Your IRS Rebate check...
 As you may have heard, each of us will be getting a tax rebate check to stimulate the economy.
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China
If we spend it on gasoline, it will go to the Arabs.
If we purchase a computer, it will go to India 
If we purchase fruits and vegetables it will go to Honduras and Guatemala.
If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan.
If we purchase useless stuff it will go to Taiwan ; And none of it will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America. The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it at yard sales. Since those are the only businesses left owned by Americans !!


----------



## Dubbaman (Jun 15, 2008)

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. 
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ralph.' 

Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!' 

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' 

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. 

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?' 

'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!' 

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don 't tell me you've never laid an egg before?' 

'Never,' said Ralph. 

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.' 

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! 

Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming. 

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout..... 

'Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shiXXing in the bed


----------



## Dubbaman (Jun 15, 2008)

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather
dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

'May I help you sir?" she asked.

'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.

'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.

'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man
calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see
Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in
a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went
upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'.

The man replied, ' Ontario '.

'Really', she said. 'I have family in Ontario .'

'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She
asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer


----------



## Dubbaman (Jun 15, 2008)

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.  The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.' 
 The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.&#8221;
 The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.&#8221; 
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles, chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers......those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.' 
 But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC, shut them all up when he observes: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.......There&#8217;re no guts, no heart, no brains and no spine, and the head and the butt are interchangeable.'


----------



## Dubbaman (Jun 24, 2008)

OPEC sells oil for $136.00 a barrel. 
OPEC nations buy U.S. grain at $7.00 a bushel. 

Solution: Sell grain for $136.00 a bushel. 
Can't buy it?  Tough!   Eat your oil! 
Ought to go well with a nice thick grilled filet of camel ***!!!


----------



## Dubbaman (Jun 25, 2008)

Fifty Years of Math 1957 - 2008

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58.  The countergirl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her.  She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register.  I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help.  While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.  Why do I tell you this?

Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.  His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.  What is his profit ?

2. Teaching Math In 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.  His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.  What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.  His cost of production is $80.  Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.  His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.  Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990s 

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.  He does this so he can make a profit of $20.   What do you think of this way of making a living?  ;  Topic for class participation after answering the question:  How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )

6. Teaching Math In 2008
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?


----------



## Dubbaman (Jun 27, 2008)

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an
expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician
asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.  She
points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already
wearing.  The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband
looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.  She
gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it
costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing." 

The woman returns the next day for the wake.  To her delight, she finds
her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe;
the suit fits him perfectly.  She says to the mortician, "Whatever this
cost, I'm very satisfied. You did  an excellent job and I'm very
grateful.  How much did you spend?"  To her astonishment, the blonde
mortician  presents her with the blank check.  "There's no charge," she
says.  "No, really,  I must compensate you for the cost of that
exquisite blue suit!" she says. 

"Honestly, ma'am," the blonde says, "it cost nothing.  You see, a
deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly
after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.  I
asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit
instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice." 

"So--------








I just switched the heads."


----------



## Dubbaman (Jun 30, 2008)

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."


----------



## juicebox (Jun 30, 2008)

the farm one is great...


----------



## Puffin Afatty (Jun 30, 2008)

:rofl:


----------



## Bella420 (Jul 1, 2008)

[FONT=tahoma,sans-serif]A good  piece of  chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy  2
servings per day, and a few more on weekends, I consume 3,500  calories
of chocolate in a week which equals one pound of weight per  week.

Therefore...
In the last 20 years, I have had a chocolate  caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and yet I only weigh 165 pounds, so without  chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago!

I owe  my  life to chocolate.

[/FONT]


----------



## Dubbaman (Jul 1, 2008)

The Medical Distinction between Guts and Balls -

 We've all heard about people "having guts" or "having balls".
But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort
to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys,
being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you
still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys,
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife
on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."



I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome....as both
ultimately result in death.


----------



## Hick (Jul 2, 2008)

A self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why  it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation. 

'You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,&#8217; the student said; loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. 'The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, and man walking on the moon. Our space probes have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, ships and electric and hydrogen cars, cell phones,computers with light-speed processing...and more.'

After a brief silence, the senior citizen responded as follows: 'You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little ****, what are you doing for the next generation?'


----------



## Dubbaman (Jul 2, 2008)

:rofl:


----------



## Richy-B (Jul 2, 2008)

Hick said:
			
		

> A self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
> 
> 'You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one, the student said; loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. 'The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, and man walking on the moon. Our space probes have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, ships and electric and hydrogen cars, cell phones,computers with light-speed processing...and more.'
> 
> After a brief silence, the senior citizen responded as follows: 'You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little ****, what are you doing for the next generation?'


Ha, ha. LOL That's true too! We bring you AF's. The future!


----------



## John Public (Jul 2, 2008)

That was a long and funny read ! :rofl:

Thank you to all contributors


----------



## Dubbaman (Jul 3, 2008)

1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car. 

2. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. 

3. A penny saved is a government oversight. 

4. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. 

5. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends. 

6. He who hesitates is probably right. 

7. Did you ever notice: The Roman Numeral for fifty (50) is ' L'? 

8. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. 

9. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. 

10. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. 

11. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt. 

12. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs?' 

13. Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. 

14. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.


----------



## Ilikebigbuds (Jul 3, 2008)

> > Dubbaman
> 
> 
> 1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
> ...


 
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


----------



## Ilikebigbuds (Jul 3, 2008)

sorry guys, I dont get out  much!


----------



## Dubbaman (Jul 6, 2008)

Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone 
Else To Hold The Vegetables While You Chop. 

Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat By 
Using The Sink. 

For High Blood Pressure Sufferers ~ Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed For A Few Minutes, Thus Reducing The Pressure On Your Veins. Remember To Use A Timer. 

A Mouse Trap Placed On Top Of Your Alarm Clock Will Prevent You From  Rolling Over And Going Back To Sleep After You Hit The Snooze Button. 

If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. You'll Be 
Afraid To Cough. 

You Only Need Two Tools In Life - Wd-40 And Duct Tape.  If It Doesn't 
Move And Should, Use The Wd-40. If It Shouldn't Move And Does, Use 
The Duct Tape. 

If You Can't Fix It With A Hammer, You've Got An Electrical Problem. 

Daily Thought: Some People Are Like Slinkies - Not Really Good For 
Anything But They Bring A Smile To Your Face When Pushed Down The 
Stairs


----------



## HippyInEngland (Jul 6, 2008)

Just a quickie.


----------



## HippyInEngland (Jul 7, 2008)

Dear Thorsby School:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon.  
I am 84 years old and live at the Sunnybrook Assisted Home for the Aged.  
My family have all passed away and I am alone so thank you for your kindness to a forgotten old lady.  
My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.  
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces.  It was awful and she was in tears.



She asked if she could listen to mine but I told her to feck off.

Thank you for that opportunity.


Sincerely,


Edna.


----------



## Dubbaman (Jul 7, 2008)

:yeahthat: i love that one havent seen it in a while but its great the gif of the old woman in the chair with her tunes on is great.


----------



## Dubbaman (Jul 8, 2008)

'Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who
has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was,
since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the
worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children,
are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens
suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher
fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could
not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have
an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses;
and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common
Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar
in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in
her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death,

by his parents, Truth and Trust

his wife, Discretion

his daughter, Responsibility

his son, Reason

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;

I Know My Rights

I Want It Now

Someone Else Is To Blame

I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.


----------



## Sebstarr (Jul 8, 2008)

Thats the saddest Joke I've ever heard... but its true. ^^^

The world has gone mad.

And thats why I raise my 2 fingers to it.


----------



## jeffca (Jul 8, 2008)

Dubbaman said:
			
		

> A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor.    After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.  She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.
> 
> 
> An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was.  After listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.
> ...



i read this twice, i don't get it  it's probably hella obvious but i just dont get it.


----------



## Dubbaman (Jul 8, 2008)

jeffca said:
			
		

> i read this twice, i don't get it  it's probably hella obvious but i just dont get it.


 

THe Dr scared her by telling her she was prego to get rid of the hiccups


----------



## benamucc (Jul 8, 2008)

:rofl:


----------



## Dubbaman (Jul 10, 2008)

An old Italian lived alone in Chicago . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. 
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament: 
Dear Vincent, 
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm justgetting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you wouldbe happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa 
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried. 
Love, Vinnie 
At 4 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding anybodies. They apologized to the old man and left. 
That same day the old man received another letter from his son. 
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. 
Love you, Vinnie


----------



## benamucc (Jul 10, 2008)

A rope walks into a bar one day to get a drink.  The bartender walks up to the rope, and asks "Hey, are you a rope?"  to which the rope simply replied "Yes I am."  The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve ropes in here, you're going to have to leave."  The rope was baffled by this, but obeyed the bartenders request, and retreated to the parking lot.  After a minute of contemplating the situation the rope did a few quick yoga stretches, mussed up his hair, and returned to the bar.  The bartender once again approched him and asked "Hey, aren't you that rope that was just in here?"  To which the rope replied..."No, I'm a frayed knot. So how bout a drink?"


----------



## HippyInEngland (Jul 11, 2008)

Found in a book shop today lol


----------



## benamucc (Jul 11, 2008)

Whats the difference between your boss and God?  

God doesn't think he's your boss...


----------



## HippyInEngland (Jul 12, 2008)

Women do the same but hide it better


----------



## Dubbaman (Jul 13, 2008)

You cant have front row seats and not look, that would be just in-human, and not to mention disrespectful to the fine cheeks in front of you


----------



## ishnish (Jul 13, 2008)

Thanks for the laughs DubbaMan.
its good stuff!


----------



## Sir_Tokie (Jul 13, 2008)

It was their 1st day of college and 2 guys had just met and became good friends.The 1st guy ask the other one what are you going to school to become? I am going to be a Taxidermist he answered and what about you he asked I am going to become a Mortision he said. So the years went by and they both went out in the world to start their new jobs. One day they ran into each other and asked how their lives were going? The Taxidermist said he was doing very well and the Mortision also said he was doing well and told his buddy that he should come over and watch him preserve a body.Sure he said and they headed to his shop. While there he noticed the 1st thing he did to the body was reach down and with a quick slice he cut the dead mans pecker right off and threw it in a bucket.What do you do with the pecker skins he asked? We throw them away he answered. Well may i take them to my shop and see if i can make some use of them?Sure he said but i don't see what you could make of them beings they are so small and all. I will come up with something he replied and then left. A few months went by and the mortision visited the taxidermists shop and was looking at all the fish, deer and things he had mounted. Then he asked what did you do with that bucket of pecker skinns i gave you? He pointed up to a shelf and said see that wallet up there? Thats what i came up with. The guy replied with all those skinns thats all you could make from them just a wallet? The taxidermist replied back to him and said it may just be a wallet sitting there but rub on it a little while and you will have a very nice sized suitcase in no time at all...


----------



## Dubbaman (Jul 13, 2008)

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grandpa, what is sex?" 
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?" 

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple of secs."


----------



## Dubbaman (Jul 18, 2008)

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'


----------



## Dubbaman (Jul 21, 2008)

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said "I am a Father."
The little boy replied "My Dad doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."
The boy said "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said "I am the Father of hundreds " and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "May be you should use a condom and wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."


----------



## Hick (Jul 21, 2008)

hmm reminded me of one 

  Little boy setting on the curb playing with a ittle bottle of muratic acid. 
Preist spots him, asks "What are you doing there, sonny?"
  "I'm burnin' ants with this here acid, mister"

Preist thinks about it for a moment, and decides he'll try o get the dangerous compound out of this kids hands...
" Sonny, how 'bout we do some trading here. I have this bottle of "Holy Water, that I'll be willing to swap..straight across, for your acid."

"Hmmm." the kids thinking.. "What can I do with Holy Water"
Preist, "Well... once I rubbed some on a womans stomach, and she passed a baby"

Little boy.. "Heck, I rubbed some of this on a cats butt, ...and it passed a motorcycle!"...


----------



## Dubbaman (Jul 22, 2008)

Hick said:
			
		

> Little boy.. "Heck, I rubbed some of this on a cats butt, ...and it passed a motorcycle!"...


:rofl:

----------------------------------------------------------------------

*
**(1)**Fine:**This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.**

**(2)**Five Minutes:**If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. 'Five minutes' is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.**

**(3)**Nothing:**This is the calm before the storm.* *This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'nothing' usually end in 'fine'.* *

**(4)**Go Ahead:**This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!* *

*(5)*Loud Sigh:**This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about 'nothing'. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of 'nothing'.)**

**(6**)* *That's Okay:**This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. 'That's okay' means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.* *

**(7)**Thanks:**A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . .. that will bring on a 'whatever').**

**(8)**Whatever:**Is a woman's way of saying 'SCREW* *YOU'!* *
**
**(9)**Don't worry about it, I got it**:**Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.*

This is for the singles out there and all those who have troubled relationships, i on the other hand only hear these things every day in my wedded blissful state


----------



## Dubbaman (Jul 25, 2008)

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This has been hailed as a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.


----------



## Dubbaman (Jul 28, 2008)

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double Vodkas."
"The barman says "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double Vodkas. The bartender says "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."


----------



## Dubbaman (Aug 1, 2008)

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." 
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. 

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" 

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." 

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." 

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." 

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." 

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"


----------



## Dubbaman (Aug 1, 2008)

The 8th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class: 

"Which human body part increases to seven times its normal size when stimulated?" 

No one answered until Little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 8th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" 

With a sneer on her face, Little Mary then sat back down. 

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again: "Which body part increases to seven times its normal size when stimulated?" 

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!" 

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class: "Anybody have an answer?" 

Finally, Kevin stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases seven times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." 

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Kevin." 
Then she turned to Little Mary and continued: "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: 

"You have a dirty mind. 
"You didn't read your homework. 
"And one day, you are going to be VERY, VERY DISAPPOINTED!"


----------



## Dubbaman (Aug 4, 2008)

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.' 

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says 'Dam!' 

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it immediately sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies 'Yes, I'm positive.' 

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. 

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. 'But why?', they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said,'I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.' 

7. A woman has identical twins and is forced to give them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're identical twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.' 

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to 'persuade' them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent Florist friars. 

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 

10. There was the person who sent ten different puns to friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.


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## Dubbaman (Aug 6, 2008)

Dear Employee: 

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.

 Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the next fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. 

 This program will be known as S.L.A.P. (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel). 

 Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers). 

 All employee s who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. 

  This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). 

 Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate. 

 If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or C.L.A.P. (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment). 

 As H.E.R.P.E.S. and C.L.A.P. are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S . or C.L.AP. will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company. 

 Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training ( S.H.I.T.). 

We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive. We have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the S.H.I.T. you can stand. 

 And, once again, thanks for all your years of loyal service with us! 

  The Management


----------



## HippyInEngland (Aug 6, 2008)

I love these jokes, I hope you know half the forum steals these and sends them to all online contacts


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## Sebstarr (Aug 6, 2008)

^^ so true Hippy, Dubbaman, your stuff is GOLD.


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## Dubbaman (Aug 11, 2008)

An old Italian Mafia 'Don' is dying and he calls his grandson into his bedroom. 
'Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me.' 

'But grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?' 

'Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business.... .you gonna have a beautiful awife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos.' 

'Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then....... pointa to you watch and say 'Timesa up'?


----------



## Hick (Aug 11, 2008)

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
 over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four
 hour, surgical procedure A young student nurse appears to give him a
 partial sponge bath. 
Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask "Are my testicles black?" 
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here
 to wash your upper body and feet." 
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" 
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,
 she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. 
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in
 the other, lifting and moving them around. 
Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
 Sir !!" 
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
 "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very
 closely...... 





" A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? "


----------



## Dubbaman (Aug 11, 2008)

:rofl: OMG mang that was good


----------



## Dubbaman (Aug 20, 2008)

That's not right! - Sum Ting Wong 

Are you harboring a fugitive? - Hu Yu Hai Ding 

See me ASAP; - Kum Hia Nao 

Stupid Man - Dum Fuk 

Small Horse; - Tai Ni Po Ni 

Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan 

I bumped into a coffee table! - Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni 

I think you need a face lift! - Chin Tu Fat 

It's very dark in here! - Wai So Dim 

I thought you were on a diet! - Wai Yu Mun Ching 

This is a tow away zone! - No Pah King 

Our meeting is scheduled for next week! - Wai Yu Kum Nao 

Staying out of sight - Lei Ying Lo 

He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka 

Your body odor is offensive - Yu Stin Ki Pu 

Great! - Fa Kin Su Pa


----------



## slowmo77 (Aug 20, 2008)

anyone remember the smothers brothers?   you can tell whos running the country by how many clothes they wear.. normal people can afford less clothes so they're called less ons so the people running the country have more clothes they're called more ons, funny stuff


----------



## ArtVandolay (Aug 20, 2008)

> DR.  PHIL :
> 
> The problem we have here is that this chicken  won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the  road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we  need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his  'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
> 
> 
>  
> OPRAH:
> 
> Well, I understand that the chicken is having  problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having  the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm  going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and  not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
> 
> 
>  
> GEORGE  W. BUSH:
> 
> We don't really care why the chicken crossed  the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or  not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground  here.
> 
> 
> 
> COLIN  POWELL:
> 
> Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly  see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...
> 
>  
> 
> ANDERSON COOPER -  CNN:
> 
> We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have  not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
>  
> 
> 
> JOHN  KERRY:
> 
> Although I voted to let the chicken cross the  road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled  about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against  it.
> 
> 
> 
> NANCY  GRACE:
> 
> That chicken crossed the road because he's  GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
> 
>  
> 
> PAT  BUCHANAN:
> 
> To steal the job of a decent, hard-working  American.
> 
> 
> 
> MARTHA  STEWART:
> 
> No one called me to warn me which way that  chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs  when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider  information.
> 
> 
> 
> DR  SEUSS:
> 
> Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it  with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been  told.
> 
> 
> 
> ERNEST  HEMINGWAY:
> 
> To die in the rain. Alone.
> 
>  
> 
> JERRY  FALWELL:
> 
> Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people  see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends,  that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say  we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal  media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That  chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as  that.
> 
> 
> 
> GRANDMA & GRANDPA:
> 
>  In our day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the  chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
> 
> 
>  
> BARBARA  WALTERS:
> 
> Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we  will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming  story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish  its life long dream of crossing the road.
> 
> 
> 
>  JOHN LENNON:
> 
> Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing  roads together, in peace.
> 
> 
> 
> ARISTOTLE:
>  
> It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
> 
>  
> 
> BILL  GATES:
> 
> I have just released eChicken2007, which will not  only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance  your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new  platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ........  =
> 
> reboot.
> 
> 
> 
> ALBERT  EINSTEIN:
> 
> Did the chicken really cross the road, or did  the road move beneath the chicken?
> 
> 
> 
> BILL  CLINTON:
> 
> I did not cross the road with THAT chicken.  What is your definition of chicken?
> 
> 
> 
> AL GORE:
>  
> I invented the chicken!
> 
> 
> 
> COLONEL  SANDERS:
> 
> Did I miss one?
> 
> 
> 
>  ****  CHENEY:
> 
> Where's my gun?
> 
> 
>  
> AL  SHARPTON:
> 
> Why are all the chickens White? We need some  BLACK chickens


----------



## ArtVandolay (Aug 20, 2008)

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes"  contest. They were looking for  people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type  managers.  These were  voted the top ten quotes in corporate America:
"As of tomorrow, employees will only be  able to access the building using  individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday,  and employees will  receive their cards in two weeks.."  (This  was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA )

"What I need is  an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."   (Lykes Lines Shipping)

"E-mail is not to be used to  pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."   (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

 "This  project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."    (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

"Doing it right is  no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

"No one will  believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months.  Now go  act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."   (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M  Corp.)

 Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I  say." (Marketing  executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was  scheduled for Monday. When I told  my Boss,  he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on  the busiest day of the  year.  He then asked if we could change  her burial to Friday.  He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive,  FTD Florists)

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company  is not going to discuss  it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)


----------



## ArtVandolay (Aug 20, 2008)

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a  tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the Days when  'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they  Are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.. 
>  
> 
>       Q. Do female frogs croak? 
>       A. Paul Lynde:  If you hold their little heads under water long enough. 
> 
>        Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?  
>       A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.  
> 
>       Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.  
>       A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes. 
>  
>       Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a  man or a woman? 
>       A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me  awake. 
> 
>       Q.!  According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a  stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out  and ask him if he's married? 
>       A. Rose Mari e: No; wait until  morning .. 
> 
>       Q.Which of your five  senses tends to diminish as you get older? 
>       A. Charley Weaver: My  sense of decency. 
> 
>       Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than  three words to say 'I Love You'? 
>       A. Vincent Price: No, you can  say it with a pineapple and a twenty. 
> 
>       Q. What are 'Do  It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'? 
>       A. George Gobel: I  don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment. 
> 
>        Q.As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while  talking? 
>       A. Rose Ma rie: You ask me one more growing old question  Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!   
>         
>       Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? 
>       A.  Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. 
> 
>       Q.Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you  going to get any during the first year?
>       A. Charley Weaver: Of  course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries. 
> 
>       Q. In  bowling, what's a perfect score? 
>       A Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin  boy. 
> 
>       Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two  subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other? 
>       A.  Paul Lynde: Tape measures. 
> 
>       Q. During a tornado, are you  safer in the bedroom or in the closet? 
>       A. Rose Marie:  Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom. 
> 
>       Q.   Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? 
>       A. Marty Allen: Only after  lights out. 
> 
>       Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will  wag his tail. What will a goose do? 
>       A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?  
> 
>       Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you  give birth to? 
>       A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be  afraid of the dark. 
> 
>       Q. According to Ann Landers, is  there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?  
>       A.. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army. 
>  
>       Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is  it? 
>       A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't  neglected. 
> 
>       Q.Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa  put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do ? 
>       A. George  Gobel: Get it in his mouth. 
> 
>       Q. Who stays pregnant for a  longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? 
>       A. Paul Lynde:  Who told you about my elephant? 
> 
>       Q.When a couple have a  baby, who is responsible for its sex? 
>       A. Charley Weaver: I'll  lend him the car, the rest is up to him. 
> 
>       Q. Jackie  Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen  them on at least two Occasions. What are they? 
>       A. Charley Weaver:  His feet. 
> 
>       Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two  things you should never do in bed? 
>       A. Paul Lynde: Point and  laugh!


----------



## Dubbaman (Aug 27, 2008)

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone
failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when
it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic
dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the
subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone
began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain
and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was
called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to
ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Thought you'd like to know.


----------



## HippyInEngland (Aug 28, 2008)




----------



## call_of_ktulu (Aug 28, 2008)

This guy is walking to work when he passes by a house and hears someone crying. He finds a lady with no arms or legs sitting on the front porch crying her eyes out.

Man: What's wrong??
Lady: I was born with no arms or legs. My family abandoned me and I've never been hugged before.

Being the nice guy that he is, he gives her a hug and goes about his day.

The next day, he passes by the same house and hears the same lady crying.

Man: What is it this time dear?
Lady: Well, i've never been kissed before:cry: .

So, being the nice guy that he is, he gives her a great big kiss.

The following day he passes by the same house and hears the armless/legless lady crying on her porch again.

Man: What's wrong now??
Lady: Well, im really embarassed, but.... Ive never been F*cked before.

So, being the nice guy that he is, he picks her up and throws her in a swimming pool.

Man: Now you're F*ucked!!!

:holysheep:


----------



## tess (Aug 28, 2008)

I know this is not a joke but i need to share my laughter of yesterday Lol........

I went to the post office to do some general posting and paying bills as you do....When i came out i walked over to my car and put my key in the door and it wasn't opening i was still fiddling .......and then the window came down on it's own i was shell shocked and then i looked in and a little man was in my car "Can i help you love"   ......**** this man's trying to steal my car.

Then it struck me ....this was not even my car not even the same car ...same colour but certainly not my car ...my car was on the other side of the road which i had just crossed ha ha the shame i was in hysterics and the man was not best amused i nearly had his car door off ha......

Note to ones self in future ...Dont get stoned if your a woman , Ditsey, and ur going out to pay bills ha 

xxxxxxxxxMuch Love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## Dubbaman (Sep 3, 2008)

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. 
The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. 

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it! 

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 ! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would n ow buy on behalf of him. 

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each." 

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere! 

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.


----------



## Dubbaman (Sep 4, 2008)

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this.  It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!!  They put in a correction the next day.

  Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says 
    No, really? 

 Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers   
  Now that's taking things a bit far!  

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over  
   What a guy!  

Miners Refuse to Work after Death    
 No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's! 

 Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant 
    See if that works any better than a fair trial! 

 War Dims Hope for Peace  
   I can see where it might have that effect! 

 If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile   
  Ya think?! 

 Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures  
   Who would have thought! 

 Enfield (London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide   
  They may be on to something! 
 Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges  
   You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?! 

 Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge   
  He probably IS the battery charge! 

 New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group  
   Weren't they fat enough?! 

 Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft  
   That's what he gets for eating those beans! 

 Kids Make Nutritious Snacks  
  Do they taste like chicken? 

 Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half  
   Chainsaw Massacre all over again! 

 Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors   
  Boy, are they tall! 

 Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead  
   Did I read that right?


----------



## ArtVandolay (Sep 4, 2008)

*
1.  How do you put a giraffe into a  refrigerator?* 
 *



*​ 











*The correct answer is:  Open the  refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.  This question tests  whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated  way.*




*2.  How do you put an elephant  into a refrigerator?*

 *



*​ 










*Did you say, 'Open the  refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the  refrigerator?'*

*Wrong  Answer.*

*Correct Answer:  Open the  refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.   This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous  actions.*




*3.  The Lion King is hosting an  animal conference.  All the animals attend.... except one.  Which animal does  not attend?*


 *



*​ 








*Correct Answer:  The Elephant.   The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.  This tests your  memory.*



*Okay, even if you did not answer  the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your  true abilities.*



*4.  There is a river you must  cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat.  How do you  manage it?*


 *



*​ 








*Correct Answer:  You jump into the  river and swim across. Have you not been listening?  All the crocodiles are  attending the Animal Meeting.  This tests whether you learn quickly from your  mistakes.*



*According to Anderson Consulting   Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong,  but many preschoolers got several correct answers.  Anderson Consulting says  this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains  of a four-year-old.*


----------



## ArtVandolay (Sep 4, 2008)

Catholic Elementary School Test

Pay special attention  to the wording and spelling. If you know the Bible, 
even a little, you'll  find this hilarious! It comes from a Catholic 
Elementary school test. Kids  were asked questions about the old and new 
testaments. The following  statements about the Bible were written by 
children. They have not been  retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect 
spelling has been left  in).

1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis. God got tired  of
creating the world so he took the sabbath off.

2. Adam and Eve were  created from an Apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan 
of Ark. Noah built  an ark and the animals came on in pears.

3. Lots wife was a pillar of  salt during the day, but a ball of
fire during the night.

4. The Jews  were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with  
unsympathetic Genitals.

5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be  led astray by a
Jezebel like Delilah.

6. Samson slayed the Philistines  with the axe of the Apostles.

7. Moses led the Jews to the Red sea where  they made unleavened bread which 
is bread without any ingredients.

8.  The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert, Afterwards,
Moses went up to  Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

9. The first commandment was  when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh Commandment is thou  shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada .  Then Joshua led the Hebrews 
in the battle of Geritol.

12. The  greatest miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son
to stand still and  the son obeyed him.

13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at  playing the liar.  He fought 
the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in  bibical times.

14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700  porcupines.

15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the  Magna Carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived,  they
found Jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because Mary had  an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on  his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do unto  others before 
they do unto you. He also explained, a man doth not live by  sweat alone.

20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and  managed to get the 
tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who  followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The epistels were the  wives of the apostals.

23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was  also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy  acrimony, which is 
another name for marraige.

25. Christians have  only one spouse. This is called monotony.


----------



## ArtVandolay (Sep 4, 2008)

Shall we trade a few blonde jokes?

Did you hear about the 2 blondes that froze to death at the drive-in last January?

They went to see "Closed for the winter".


----------



## HippyInEngland (Sep 6, 2008)

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see that the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up.  Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, ' Dad .' 
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. 

'Dear, Dad . 
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you.  I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. 
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older  than I am. 
But it's not only the passion, Dad .  She's pregnant. 
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a caravan in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.  We share a dream of having many more children. 
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we  want. 
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! 
Don't worry Dad , I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. 
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren. 

Love, 
Your son, Joshua. 

P.S. Dad , none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. 
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. 
Call when it is safe for me to come home


----------



## nikimadritista (Sep 6, 2008)

Jokes are often hard to translate... But here is a Bulgarian Joke I'll try to do in English for ya...

 The fisherman who loved to burn the herb, had to go fishing all day to feed his family. He spent the day fishing on the beach and couldn't catch a thing, until late in the afternoon when he finally pulled out one little gold fish. 
The fish spoke to him in a sweet human voice - Please Please Let me go - I'll make you two wishes come true... Please, Please.. .what is your first wish? 

The fisherman thought about that for a minute and said:
 - WELL, I WANT A JOINT THAT NEVER ENDS!
OK here you go - says the fish, and gives him that Joint...
The stoner lights it up, smokes for about 20 min and gets completely mashed... the Joint is still the same size...
 Than the fish goes - Please man, Let me go, what is your second wish???

Fisherman takes another hit and says - This is some  pretty good weed fish.. Let me have another spliff...


----------



## ArtVandolay (Sep 6, 2008)

They're Back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for the church ladies who type them.  These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in  church services:
> 
>          ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>  
>         The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
>  
>          ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>  
>         The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon  tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
> 
>          ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>  
>         Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM    in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
>  
>          ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>  
>         Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.  It's a chance to get  rid of  those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your  husbands.
> 
>          ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>  
>         The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled  due to a conflict.
> 
>          ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>  
>         Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.  Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care  much about you.
> 
>          ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>  
>         Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
>  
>          ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>  
>         Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again,"  giving  obvious pleasure to the congregation.
> 
>          ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>  
>         For those of  you who have children and don't know it, we have  a nursery downstairs.
> 
>          ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>  
>         Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need  all the help they can get.
> 
>          ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>  
>         The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the  choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
> 
>          ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>  
>         Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in  the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
>  
>          ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>  
>         A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church  hall. Music will follow.
> 
>          ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>  
>         At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What  Is Hell?"  Come early and listen to our choir practice. 
>  
>          ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>  
>         Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition  of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
>  
>          ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>  
>         Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be  cycled.  Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
> 
>          ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>  
>         Please place your donation in the envelope along with the  deceased person you want remembered.
> 
>          ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>  
>         The church will host an evening of fine dining, super  entertainment and gracious hostility.
> 
>          ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>  
>         Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to  follow.
> 
>          ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>  
>         The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.  They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
> 
>          ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>  
>         This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park  across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
>  
>          ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>  
>         Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All  ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is  done.
> 
>          ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>  
>         The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the  congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast  next Sunday.
> 
>          ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>  
>         Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.  Please use the back door.
> 
>          ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>  
>         The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in  the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this  tragedy.
> 
>          ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>  
>         Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian  Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
>  
>          ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>  
>         The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing  campaign slogan last Sunday:  "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"


----------



## ArtVandolay (Sep 6, 2008)

This is a very old internet piece that still makes the e-mail rounds occasionally and is still funny imho.

City of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency Exam

 Name:_____________________  
 Gang:_____________________


 1. Johnny has an AK47 with a 30 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10  shots and shoots 13 times in each drive by shooting, how many  drive by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?


 2. If Joe has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jackson  for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram, what is the  street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?


 3. Rufus is pimping for 3 girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how  many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay  for his $800 per day crack habit?


 4. Jerome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make a 20% profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?


 5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy and $100 for  a 4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevy's  will he have to steal to make $800?


 6. Richard is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit.  If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how  much money will he have left when he gets out of prison and how many years  will he get for killing the ***** that spent his money?


 7. If the average spray paint can covers 22 square feet and the  average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans  of paint?


 8. Peter knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in  the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Peter knocked  up?


----------



## raoulduke2.0 (Sep 6, 2008)

2 blondes are walking in the woods. One stops and points to the ground. "Look! Bear tracks! How scary!" 

The other blonde raises an eyebrow and replies, "Those aren't bear tracks those are raccoon tracks! There are no bears in Arkansas silly!"

ANd they continued to argue until the train hit them.


----------



## raoulduke2.0 (Sep 6, 2008)

2 flies are sitting on a piece of poo. One of them rips a fart and the other says " Hey! I'm eating here!".


----------



## ArtVandolay (Sep 6, 2008)

A blonde was flying from Chicago to New York, her first time flying.  When she boarded the plane, she sat down in the first available seat.  The stewardess asked to see her ticket and said to the blonde this is a coach ticket and you're sitting in first class, you need to move to the back of the plane.  The blonde looked back at the coach section and said I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm going to sit in one of these big seats.  They began to argue, so loud that the pilot heard them and came back to see what was going on.  When the stewardess explained the problem, the pilot said "I'll handle this, my wife is a blonde".  So he leaned over, whispered in the blonde's ear and the blonde said  Oh, why didn't you say so and moved to the back of the plane.  The stewardess said to the pilot I'm really impressed, what did you say to her?  

The pilot said I told her first class wasn't going to New York.


----------



## Dubbaman (Sep 7, 2008)

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, 'We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings.'

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.


The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, 'We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings.'




The bear, very angry now, says, 'If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.'

The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings '





The bear goes to the end of the bar and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.





The bartender states, 'Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs.'





The bear says, 'I'm NOT on drugs.'

........You're gonna love this........ 



The bartender says, 'You are now. That was a    barbitchyouate.'


----------



## IRISH (Sep 7, 2008)

ArtVandolay said:
			
		

> 3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of
> fire during the night.
> 
> :rofl: ...
> ...


----------



## Dubbaman (Sep 8, 2008)

Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as
"cybersex".
Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared
through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy.
However, as you'll
see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an
online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he does...Maybe she was told in advance he did not get into the "CYBER SEX" thing.....and yet she persisted.......

DamnH1pp1e: All right I'll bite, LilFiery69.
What do you look like?

LilFiery69: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I'm 5ft, I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect.
My measurements
are 34-20-28.
What do you look like?

DamnH1pp1e: I'm 6'4" and about 200 pounds.
I wear glasses and I have on
a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from WalMart.
I'm also wearing a
T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.


LilFiery69: I want you.
Would you like to screw me?

DamnH1pp1e: OK

LilFiery69: We're in my bedroom.
There's soft music playing on the
stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.
I'm looking up into
your eyes, smiling.
My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to
fondle your huge, swelling bulge.


DamnH1pp1e: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.


LilFiery69: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.


DamnH1pp1e: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.


LilFiery69: I'm moaning softly.


DamnH1pp1e: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.


LilFiery69: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.
The cool silk
slides off my warm skin.
I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and
rubbing.


DamnH1pp1e: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a
hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.


DamnH1pp1e: I'll pay for it.


LilFiery69: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra.
My
soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.


DamnH1pp1e: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.
I think it's
stuck.
Do you have any scissors?

LilFiery69: I take your hand and kiss it softly.
I'm reaching back
undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body.
The air caresses my
breasts. My nipples are erect for you.


DamnH1pp1e: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting
the clasp.


LilFiery69: I'm arching my back. Oh baby.
I just want to feel your
tongue all over me.


DamnH1pp1e: I'm dropping the bra.
Now I'm licking your, you know,
breasts.
They're neat!

LilFiery69: I'm running my fingers through your hair.
Now I'm
nibbling your ear.


DamnH1pp1e: I suddenly sneeze.
Your breasts are covered with spit and
phlegm.


LilFiery69: What?

DamnH1pp1e: I'm so sorry. Really.


LilFiery69: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of
my blouse.


DamnH1pp1e: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you.
I drop it with
a plop.


LilFiery69: OK.
I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your
hard tool.


DamnH1pp1e: I'm screaming like a woman.
Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

LilFiery69: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.


DamnH1pp1e: I'm pulling off your panties.
My tongue is going all over,
in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.


LilFiery69: What's the matter?

DamnH1pp1e: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.


LilFiery69: Are you OK?

DamnH1pp1e: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.


LilFiery69: Can I help?

DamnH1pp1e: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly.
I'm fumbling
through the cabinets, looking for a cup.
Where do you keep your cups?
LilFiery69: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.


DamnH1pp1e: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.


LilFiery69: Come back to me, lover.


DamnH1pp1e: I'm washing the cup now.


LilFiery69: I'm on the bed aching for you.


DamnH1pp1e: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet.

And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost.

Where's the bedroom?

LilFiery69: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.


DamnH1pp1e: I found it.


LilFiery69: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning.
I want you so
badly.


DamnH1pp1e: Me too.


LilFiery69: Your pants are off.
I kiss you passionately - our naked
bodies pressing each other.


DamnH1pp1e: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.


LilFiery69: Why don't you take off your glasses?

DamnH1pp1e: OK, but I can't see very well without them.
I place the
glasses on the night table.


LilFiery69: I'm bending over the bed.
Give it to me, baby!

DamnH1pp1e: I have to pee.
I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room
and toward the bathroom.


LilFiery69: Hurry back, lover.


DamnH1pp1e: I find the bathroom and it's dark.
I'm feeling around for
the toilet. I lift the lid.


LilFiery69: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.


DamnH1pp1e: I'm done going.
I'm feeling around for the flush handle,
but I can't find it.
Uh-oh!

LilFiery69: What's the matter now?

DamnH1pp1e: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper.

Sorry again.
I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my
way.


LilFiery69: Mmm, yes. Come on.


DamnH1pp1e: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in
your...you know...woman' s thing.


LilFiery69: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

DamnH1pp1e: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice.
I kiss
your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.


LilFiery69: I'm moving my *** back and forth, moaning.
I can't stand
it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

DamnH1pp1e: I'm flaccid.


LilFiery69: What?

DamnH1pp1e: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection for some Cybershit that aint real.

.

LilFiery69: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look
on my face.


DamnH1pp1e: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all
floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.


LilFiery69: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed.
I'm putting on my
underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.


DamnH1pp1e: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table.

I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray,
picture frames and your candles.


LilFiery69: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.


DamnH1pp1e: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on.
My God! One of
our candles fell on the curtain.
The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing
at it, a shocked look on my face.


LilFiery69: Go to hell.
I'm logging off, you loser!

DamnH1pp1e: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

LilFiery69: (logged off)

Perhaps she should have listened the first time DamnH1pp1e told her he did not get into it unless it was real?


----------



## HippyInEngland (Sep 10, 2008)

A little boy asks his Father where Poo comes from, his father a little hesitant thinks to himself its perfectly natural to be asked a question like this from a young curious mind so starts to explain ....

The father explains that food passes down the oesophagus and enters the stomach where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the elementary canal to extract protein before waste products descend via the colon and rectum to emerge as 'Poo'.

Blimey says the little boy, so where the hell does Tigger come from?


----------



## ArtVandolay (Sep 11, 2008)

THE  WEDDING NIGHT 

​ Fred and Mary  get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so  they go back ​ to Fred's  Mom and Dad's house for their first night together  ​ 
​ In the  morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has  his breakfast. ​ 
​ As he is going out of the door to go to  school, he asks his mom  if Fred ​ and Mary are up yet. ​ 
​ She  replies, 'No'. ​ 
​ Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I  think?' ​ 
​ His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think!  Just go  to ​ school.' ​ 
​ Johnny comes home for lunch and asks  his mom, 'Are Fred and  Mary up yet?' ​ 
​ She replies,  'No.' ​ 
​ Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?' ​ 
​ His  mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and  go back ​ to  school .' ​ 
​ After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are  Fred and  Mary up ​ yet?' ​ 
​ His mom says,  'No.' ​ 
​ He asks, 'Do you know what I think?' ​ 
​ His mom  replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think.'  ​ 
​ He says: 'Last night  Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and  I think... ​ 
​ I gave him  my airplane glue. ​


----------



## ArtVandolay (Sep 11, 2008)

A woman pregnant  with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank  and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon  decided to leave the bullets in because it
was too risky to operate. She gave  birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16  years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.

'What's  wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,'  replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what  happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into  the room in tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet ! came  out.'

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened  16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's  okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet  came out.'

'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the  dog.'


----------



## samiam7 (Sep 11, 2008)

HA,HA,HA   dubba smoehow, I think there was some full moons to be seen over the pond that nite in LA.


----------



## Dubbaman (Sep 20, 2008)

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Missouri Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, 'So y'all want to be cops, huh?' 
The blondes all nodded. 

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, 'To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth.' 

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. 

Now,' he said, 'did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?' 

The blonde immediately said, 'Yes, I did. He has only one eye!' 

The detective shook his head and said, 'Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!' 

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. 

The detective then turned to the second blonde, said, 'What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?' 

'Yes! He only has one ear!' 

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, 'Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!' 

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. 

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, 'This is probably a waste of time, but... 'He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, 'All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?' 

The blonde said, 'I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.' 

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. 

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, 'You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?' 

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, 'Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses.'


----------



## Dubbaman (Sep 26, 2008)

When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, 'YOU'RE NEXT'. 

They stopped that after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.


----------



## Dubbaman (Sep 26, 2008)

Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers. 
He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do." 

Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers." 

"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. 

"Lord-it's 2008 and Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?" 

Ole says, "How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?"


----------



## FourTwenty (Sep 26, 2008)

lol


----------



## cuy103 (Sep 26, 2008)

A new intern working at a law firm has the hots for the receptionist.  

He talks to her everyday and really wants to have sex with her, that's all he wants.

Everyday he asks her, "You're really hot and I just want to have sex with you.  Will you have sex with me?"  

Everyday she says "NO!"

So one day he comes up with a proposition.
He tells her "I'll make a deal with you.  I'll give you $100 dollars if you have sex with me.  I'll put the money on the table and once you grab it, we'll stop"

She thinks about it.  "If I pick up the money REALLY fast we don't have to have sex..."  She thinks about it some more and calls her boyfriend.  She tells him the deal and the boyfriend says "$100!  That's it?!?  Do it for $500!  Give me a call back and let me know how it goes!"  So she makes the deal.

45 minutes pass and she calls her boyfriend.  Puzzled, the boyfriend asks "What the hell took so long?"

The receptionist, panting and gasping, for air said "*The bastard had all quarters!"*


----------



## Dubbaman (Sep 30, 2008)

It was decided by Microsoft during a brilliant brainstorming session that military service would improve the skills and discipline of their finest technician. So off to boot camp he went. 
At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target. 

The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again. "Hmmm.," he thought, "I'll get to the bottom of this in no time." 

He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He pointed his still loaded rifle at the ground in front of him and fired. A cloud of dust kicked up, and a little dimple was left there in the dust. 

"Yep, it's working," he concluded. 

The technician yelled out to the others at the target end, "The rifle is in working order, and the bullet seems to be leaving this end just fine. The trouble must be on your end!"


----------



## Dubbaman (Oct 1, 2008)

We all have our limits.............One day a fourth-grade teacher asked
the children what their fathers did for a living.All the typical answers
came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and
so forth.However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so
when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, 

"My father's an
exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of
other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is
really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for
money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the
other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside
to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?""No," the boy said,
"He plays for the Cleveland Browns, but I was too embarrassed to say
that in front of the other kids."


----------



## Dubbaman (Oct 1, 2008)

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears
strange noises coming from the bedroom. 
She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed,
sweating and panting.

'What's up?' she asks. 'I'm having a heart attack,' cries 


the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but
just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and 
says, 'Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Susie is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!' 


The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs
into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the 
closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked 
and cowering on the closet floor.

'You rotten thing you, she screams. 
'My husband's having a heart attack, and
you're running around naked scaring the kids!!'


----------



## Dubbaman (Oct 1, 2008)

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.  
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.' 
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;  
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. 
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?  
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'  
'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'


----------



## Puffin Afatty (Oct 2, 2008)

Dubbaman said:
			
		

> We all have our limits.............One day a fourth-grade teacher asked
> the children what their fathers did for a living.All the typical answers
> came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and
> so forth.However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so
> ...


 
:rofl:


----------



## lisa (Oct 3, 2008)

Dubbaman said:
			
		

> A young man moved into a new apartment of his own, and went to the lobby to
> put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out
> of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at
> the
> ...



I could laugh no more as it has made me already laugh so much.


----------



## lisa (Oct 3, 2008)

Dubbaman said:
			
		

> Hung Chow calls into
> work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache,
> stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'
> 
> ...



OMG! Excellent!


----------



## lisa (Oct 3, 2008)

Dubbaman said:
			
		

> My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
> 
> ' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'
> 
> ...



Oh God! It was really funny.


----------



## lisa (Oct 3, 2008)

Dubbaman said:
			
		

> A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter
> "What are you doing?"She asked.
> "Hunting Flies"He responded.
> "Oh. ! Killing any?"She asked.
> ...



Enjoyed it.


----------



## lisa (Oct 3, 2008)

Dubbaman said:
			
		

> The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and
> putting both legs behind her head, yoga style.
> 
> The second old woman thought that this was a great idea, so that night when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed; she got totally naked and began the process of putting her legs behind her head.
> ...



It was a height!


----------



## Hick (Oct 3, 2008)

...hee hee


----------



## HippyInEngland (Oct 3, 2008)

There once was an Indian who had only   
                one testicle               




  and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He  
                 hated that                





  name and asked everyone not to call him  
                 Onestone.                 








     After years and years of torment,     
              Onestone finally             





   cracked and said,' If anyone calls me   
                  Onestone                 






          again I will kill them!'         








   The word got around and nobody called   






             him that any more.            







   Then one day a young woman named Blue   
                    Bird                   






      forgot and said, 'Good morning,      
               Onestone.' He               






    jumped up, grabbed her and took her   
                 deep into                 






  the forest where he made love to her all 
                  day and                  






   all night. He made love to her all the  
                 next day,                 






   until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.   







  The word got around that Onestone meant  
                    what                   






   he promised he would do. Years went by  
                   and no                  






    one dared call him by his given name   
               until A woman               






     named Yellow Bird returned to the     
            village after being            






  away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's  
                cousin, was                






    overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She   
                 hugged him                






   and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'  








  Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into 
                the forest,                









   then he made love to her all day, made  
              love to her all              






    night, made love to her all the next   
             day, made love to             






  her all the next night, but Yellow Bird  
               wouldn't die!               




                  Why ???                  










             Everyone knows...             





          You can't kill Two Birds         





             with OneStone !!!


----------



## ArtVandolay (Oct 3, 2008)

*"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN  IF..." *
*1.  You refine heroin  for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.  *
*2.  You own a $3,000  machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.  *
*3.  You have more  wives than teeth. *
*4.  You wipe your  butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."  *
*5.  You think vests  come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide. *
*6.  You can't think  of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.* 
*7.  You consider  television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.  *
*8.  You were amazed  to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside  bombs.*
 *9.  You've ever  uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."  *
*10. You have nothing  against women and think every man should own at least  one.* 
*1**1. You bathe at least  monthly whether necessary or not. *
*12.  You've ever had  a crush on your neighbor's goat.*


----------



## ArtVandolay (Oct 3, 2008)

She was Sooooooooooooo blonde....


   She thought a quarterback was a refund. 
She thought General Motors was in  the army. 
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. 
She thought Boyz II  Men was a day care centre. 
At the bottom of an application where it says  "sign here",
she wrote Sagittarius.

She spent 20 minutes looking at the  orange juice can because
it said, "Concentrate". 
  She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. 
  She sold the car for gas money. 
 When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead. 
 When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, 
 "Airport Left," she turned around and went home. 
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company. 
   She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood
for "This Goes  In Front"


----------



## HippyInEngland (Oct 6, 2008)

OK its not a joke, but I still found it funny 



General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio. 

It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters. 

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: 
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base? 

GENERAL COSGROVE: 
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting. 

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: 
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it? 

GENERAL COSGROVE: 
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range. 

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: 
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children? 

GENERAL COSGROVE: 
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. 

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: 
But you're equipping them to become violent killers. 

GENERAL COSGROVE: 

Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? 

The radio went silent and the interview ended.


----------



## Dubbaman (Oct 7, 2008)

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. 
'How was he killed?' asked one detective. 

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied. 'A golf gun?! 

'What is a golf gun?' 

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'


----------



## ArtVandolay (Oct 9, 2008)

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?  WITNESS: No, I just lie there.  ____________________________________________________________________  ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?  WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.  ______________________________________  
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?  WITNESS: Yes.  
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?  
WITNESS: I forget.  
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________  
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?  
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'  
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?  
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
 ______________________________________  
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?  
WITNESS: We both do.  
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?  
WITNESS: We do.  
ATTORNEY: You do?  
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
 ______________________________________  
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he  doesn't know about it until the next morning?  
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?  ____________________________________  
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?  WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.  ________________________________________  
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?  
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?  ______________________________________  
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?  WITNESS: Yes.  
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?  
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!  ______________________________________  
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?  
WITNESS: Yes.  
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?  
WITNESS: None.  
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?  
WITNESS : Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.  Can I get a new attorney?  ______________________________________  
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?  
WITNESS: By death.  
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?  WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?  ______________________________________  
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?  
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.  
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?  WITNESS: Guess.  _____________________________________  
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice  which I sent to your attorney?  
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.  ______________________________________  
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?  
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to  rephrase that?  ______________________________________  
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?  
WITNESS: Oral.  ______________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?  
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 P.M.  
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?  
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy  on him!  
____________________________________________  
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?  
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?  ______________________________________  

And the best for last:  ______________________________________  ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?  
WITNESS: No.  
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?  
WITNESS: No.  
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?  
WITNESS: No.  
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the  autopsy?  
WITNESS: No.  
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?  
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.  
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law


----------



## nikimadritista (Oct 10, 2008)

Hey I recently quit smoking (cigarettes) And I'm also off Alcohol (beer)...
And you know they say you live longer if you don't smoke or drink...
The truth is - YOU DON'T!
It just feels like it...


----------



## Dubbaman (Oct 15, 2008)

One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store. 
On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me, and I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator. 'Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your Front lawn?' 

'Yes,' she said. 'They're retired prostitutes, they're having a yard sale.'


----------



## Puffin Afatty (Oct 15, 2008)

*THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER


Fresh from Her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror complaining to Her husband that Her breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling Her it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds".

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" She asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," Her husband replies.

She stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man*


----------



## Hick (Oct 15, 2008)

Tough Love vs. Spanking - Good Argument

Most of the American populace thinks it improper

to spank children, so I have tried other methods

to control my kids when they have one of 'those

moments.'

One that I found effective is for me to just take

the child for a car ride and talk.

Some say it's the vibration from the car, others

say it's the time away from any distractions such

as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc.

Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop

misbehaving after our car ride together. Eye to

eye contact helps a lot too.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions

with my son, in case you would like to use the

technique.

This works with grandchildren,
nieces, and nephews as well.


----------



## TURKEYNECK (Oct 15, 2008)

I posted this in another thread before i saw this,but what the hey...too funny!
*
If guns kill people,then..pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk, and spoons made Rosie O'Donnell fat! *:rofl:


----------



## lisa (Oct 16, 2008)

HippyInEngland said:
			
		

> There once was an Indian who had only
> one testicle
> 
> 
> ...




OMG! I had a great laugh.


----------



## Dubbaman (Oct 17, 2008)

Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?

A. About three inches.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: 45 minutes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

A. The swallow.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A . They don't have balls to scratch!


----------



## HippyInEngland (Oct 18, 2008)

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghanistan desert. 

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. 

He asked the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. 

The nervous sergeant said, 'Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. 

That's why we have Molly The Camel.' 

The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about 'urges', so the camel can stay.' 

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. 

Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild insane sex with the camel. 

When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?' 

'No not really, sir... They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are.'


----------



## HippyInEngland (Oct 18, 2008)

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. 

Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate. 

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. 

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. 

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. 

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?' 

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to her nephew...... . 




'Bastards won't let me fart.'


----------



## HippyInEngland (Oct 18, 2008)

A wife takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her
nine year old son comes home early, sees them, and hides in the bedroom
closet to watch. Unexpectedly, the woman's husband also comes home. She
puts
her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is already in
there.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy: 'I have a baseball.'

Man: 'That 's nice.'

Boy: 'Want to buy it?'

Man: 'No, thanks.'

Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'

Man: 'OK, how much?'

Boy: '$250.'

Weeks later, it happens that the boy and the lover find themselves in the
closet again.

 Boy: 'Dark in here.'

Man: 'Yes, it is.'

Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'

Boy: '$750.'

Man: 'Sold.'

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch.'

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'

The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'

The boy says '$1,000.'

The Dad says, 'That's terrible to rip off your friends like that...that is
way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to
confession'.

In church, the Dad makes sure the boy goes in to the confessional and
closes
the door.. The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that **** again; you're in my closet now.'


----------



## nikimadritista (Oct 22, 2008)

A Giraffe  escaped from a US Zoo... The US Police couldn't find him for a week, so they called the FBI! The Feds searched for another week and contacted the CIA... CIA failed tracing the Animal and the president decided to call for help from abroad!
Having the reputation of the Most violent Police in Europe, the CIA firs asked the Bulgarian Police to help them with the search!
The Bulgarians were glad to help, and in three days only they came back with an Elephant!    
- It was a Giraffe we were looking for - said the head of investigation in the US!
And than the Elephant spoke:
- I was a GIRAFFE..... :hubba:


----------



## trillions of atoms (Oct 22, 2008)

HippyInEngland said:
			
		

> A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghanistan desert.
> 
> During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
> 
> ...


 


LMFAO, that one is freakin classic!


----------



## sc00bys00 (Oct 23, 2008)

:rofl: 
I love this thread!
:48:


----------



## HippyInEngland (Oct 23, 2008)

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health,
they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes.
That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a huge stack of warm
pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'All those for me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father'


----------



## andy52 (Oct 23, 2008)

a young boy accidentally walked into the bathroom as his mother was bathing.he saw her pubic area and in awe asked his mom what that was.she replied it was her squirrel.with not much reaction he left.a few weeks later he was at his grandmothers home and saw her naked in the tub.he asked her what that thing between her legs was.she replies that is her squirrel.with astonishment he ask her why her squirrel is gray and mommies is black.the grandmother replies that if his mothers squirrel had cracked as many nuts as hers it would be gray also.


----------



## Dubbaman (Oct 24, 2008)

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you." 

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves. 

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!" 

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey son, may I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?" 

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"


----------



## Dubbaman (Oct 24, 2008)

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. 
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. 

'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...' 

'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.' 

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.' 

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'. 

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.' 

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.' 

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,' 

'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?' 

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'


----------



## Puffin Afatty (Oct 24, 2008)

* BED SHEETS  



  An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a
  series of tests, the last of which had left his
  bodily systems extremely upset.
  Upon making several false alarm trips to the
  bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another
  and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with
  diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to
  remain rational.

  In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of
  bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out
  the hospital window.

  A drunk was walking
  by the hospital when the
  sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing,
  and swinging his arms violently trying to get the
  unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled
  sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

  As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet,
  staring down at the sheets, a hospital security
  guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who
  had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked,
  "What the heck is going on here?"

  The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I
 just beat the **** out of a ghost."*

*  Happy Halloween *


----------



## HippyInEngland (Oct 25, 2008)

I saw this and thought of MP for some odd reason :rofl:


----------



## Dubbaman (Oct 25, 2008)

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. 
'What does it look like?' she finally asked. 

The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.' 

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said. 

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'


----------



## Dubbaman (Oct 28, 2008)

Miss Beatrice,


The church organist,

Was in her eighties 


And had never been married. 


She was admired for her sweetness 


and kindness to all. 


One afternoon the pastor 


came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. 


She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. 


As he sat facing her old  Hammond organ, 


the young minister 


noticed a   


  cute glass bowl 


sitting on top of it. 



The bowl was filled 


with water, 


and in the water 


floated, of all things, a condom! 


When she returned 


with tea and scones, 


they began to chat. 


The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity 


about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 


'Miss Beatrice', he said, 


'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' 


pointing to the bowl. 


'Oh, yes,' she replied, 


'Isn't it wonderful? 


I was walking through 


The Park a few months ago 


and I found this little package 


on the ground. 


The directions said 


to place it on the organ, 


keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. 


Do you know 


I haven't had the flu 


All winter.'


----------



## Dubbaman (Oct 30, 2008)

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger.
His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues. 
'Johnny!' Mom screams. 'Knock it off!.' You're going to break something.
He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.
Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store.
He gives it  one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.
Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge, a diarrhea run.
She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.
When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. 
She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. 
The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything. 
When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. 
Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see 
what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and **** is everywhere.
On him, the walls, etc.
'Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?' she asks. 
He says, 'I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart!'


----------



## Dubbaman (Oct 30, 2008)

One day an old lady went to the doctors because she had an itch in her crotch. She told the doctor her problem and he said, 'You have the crabs.' 
She informed the doctor that it could not be the crabs because she was an eighty year old virgin. She went to another doctor and explained her problem to him. The doctor said, 'You probably have the crabs.' 

'No' she said, 'I am an eighty year old virgin.' 

Frustrated, she went to a third doctor.She said, 'Doctor can you help me? I have an itch in my crotch. Don't tell me that it is the crabs because I am an eighty year old virgin. It can not be the crabs.' 

The doctor said,'Get on the table and let's have a look.' 

After examining, the doctor proclaimed, 'Ma'am, your right, you do not have the crabs. This cherry is sooooo old, you have fruit flies.'


----------



## Dubbaman (Oct 31, 2008)

Two old men are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, 'go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, i'm not wasting two of my girls on them. they won't know the difference.' 
The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. 

As they are walking home the first man says, 'you know, i think my girl was dead!' 

'Dead?' says his friend, 'Why do you say that?' 

'Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time i was loving her.' 

His friend says, 'could be worse i think mine was a witch.' 

'A witch ??. . why the hell would you say that?' 

'Well, i was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and i gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window... took my teeth with her!'


----------



## Dubbaman (Oct 31, 2008)

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!' 

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. 

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!' 

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. 

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .. very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. 

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?' 

The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!'


----------



## Dubbaman (Nov 1, 2008)

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor. 
At the first house a woman complained, 'I've been a little sick to my stomach.' 

The older doctor said, 'Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick'. 

As they left the younger man said, 'You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly'? 

'I didn't have to examine her. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there. When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That's what was probably making her sick.' 

'Huh,' the younger doctor said, 'Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house.' 

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. 'I'm feeling terribly run down lately.' 

'You've probably been doing too much work for the church,' the younger doctor told her. 'Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.' 

As they left, the elder doc said, 'Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?' 

'Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.'


----------



## Dubbaman (Nov 1, 2008)

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:


BUMP...









BUMP...










BUMP...





Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.





BUMP...





BUMP..





BUMP..





Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him





FASTER...





FASTER...





BUMP...





BUMP...





BUMP...








He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.






However, the casket crashes thought his door, with the lid of the casket clapping...






clappity-BUMP...






clappity-BUMP...






clappity-BUMP...






on his heels, the terrified man runs.







Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.








With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.








Bumping and clapping toward him.







The man screams and reaches for something, anything,










but all he can find is a bottle of Robitussin!










Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...








and,





(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)





















The coffin stops!


----------



## Dubbaman (Nov 1, 2008)

** to be honest i have no fealings for either of the U.S. candidates and im most likely to vote for Donald Duck again this go around so please dont take this as an opinion of politics see it for the humor there is in it **



'Twas the night of elections
And all through the town
Tempers were flaring
Emotions all up and down!

I, in my bathrobe
With a cat in my lap
Had cut off the TV
Tired of political crap

When all of a sudden 
There arose such a noise
I peered out of my window
Saw Obama and his boys

They had come for my wallet
They wanted my pay
To give to the others
Who had not worked a day!

He snatched up my money
And quick as a wink
Jumped back on his bandwagon
As I gagged from the stink

He then rallied his henchman
Who were pulling his cart
I could tell they were out
To tear my country apart!
'On Fannie, on Freddie,
On political name, on Ayers!
On ACORN, on Pelosi'
He screamed at the pairs!
They took off for his cause 
And he flew out of sight
I heard him laugh at the nation
Who wouldn't stand up and fight!

So I leave you to think 
On this one final note--
IF YOU DON'T WANT SOCIALISM
GET OUT and VOTE!!!!


----------



## Runbyhemp (Nov 2, 2008)

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his throat to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." 

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer.

One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."


----------



## Dubbaman (Nov 4, 2008)

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?' 
The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!' 

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.' 

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.' 

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.' 

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.'


----------



## Dubbaman (Nov 4, 2008)

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. Many of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, 'Hello, sir.
Can you please tell me why you're here to see the doctor today?' 

'There's something wrong with my ****,' he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.&#8221;

'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The receptionist replied, 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.' 

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?' 

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, sir?' 

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied. and 

The waiting room erupted in laughter.  

Mess with seniors and you're gonna&#8217; lose!


----------



## Dubbaman (Nov 5, 2008)

Colonoscopies  are no joke, but these comments during exams were  
 quite humorous......  A physician claimed that the following are  
 actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) before or  
 after their colonoscopies:

 1.  'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone   
 before!

 2.  'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

 3.  'Can you hear me NOW?'

 4.  'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there  yet?'

 5.  'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally  married.'

 6.  'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

 7.  'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

 8.  'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

 9.  'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'>

 10.  'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

 11.  'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

 12.  'God, now I know why I am not  gay.'

 13.  'How far up did you go? I now have a sore throat.'

 And  the best one of all..

 14.  'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not  
 up there?


----------



## HippyInEngland (Nov 5, 2008)

52 things you would love to say out loud at work


1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t. 

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 

3. How about never? Is never good for you? 

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way. 

6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon? 

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. 

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying. 

10. Ahhhh. I see the f ***-up fairy has visited us again. 

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid. 

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a sh*t. 

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 

18. Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental. 

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?! 

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. 

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. 

23. And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be? 

24. Do I look like a f****** people person to you? 

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 

26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 

30. Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed. 

31. Oh I get it. Like humour, but different......... 

32. An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls. 

33. Can I swap this job for what's behind door .........1? 

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. 

35. Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it? 

36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done. 

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun? 

38. I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money. 

39. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent. 

40. Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 

41. Aren't you just a black hole of need. 

42. I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in? 

43. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning? 

44. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma. 

45. If you have something to say raise your hand.........then place it over your mouth. 

46. I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time? 

47. Don't let your mind wander, its too small to be let out on its own. 

48. Have a nice day, somewhere else. 

49. You're not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away. 

50. You are as pretty as a picture, I'd really like to hang you.

51. Don't believe everything you think. 

52. Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring.


----------



## Dubbaman (Nov 6, 2008)

:yeahthat: i have a T-shirt that has #24 on it 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a Drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, Staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in The face and says, 'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her In the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!' 
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, Because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your Grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!' 

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still Says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you Something else, boy, your grandma liked it!' 

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says, 'Grandpa... Go home! You're drunk.'


----------



## holden600 (Nov 6, 2008)

Very good mate, i like em


----------



## Puffin Afatty (Nov 6, 2008)

HippyInEngland said:
			
		

> 52 things you would love to say out loud at work
> 
> 
> 1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.
> ...


 
Hippy, these are great and as My 1st NewYearsResolution of 2009 is to use 1 each week thru-out the coming year :aok:


----------



## Dubbaman (Nov 7, 2008)

1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away. 

2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special. 

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea.
I can't hold it in. 

4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out. 

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em. 

6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole. 

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away. 

8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice." 

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock. 

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room. 

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner. 

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon. 

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up


----------



## bud.uncle (Nov 7, 2008)

How long can RBH keep The Last Post closed................?... 


:rofl:



or is this just another example.........................? ....


----------



## HippyInEngland (Nov 12, 2008)

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!

'You need to use 'Grown up People's words,' she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend.

'I went to visit my Nana'.

'No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.  

Use 'Grown up People's' words!'

She then asked Mitchell what he had done.

'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.

She said, 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.  

You must remember to use 'Grown up people's' words.

She then asked little Alex what he had done.

'I read a book' he replied.

'That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said. 'What book did you read?

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with
great pride, and said,

'Winnie the crap'


----------



## Dubbaman (Nov 12, 2008)

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for 
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.  I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver chest hair. She said, 'That 
silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social
Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the 
Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too'


----------



## Dubbaman (Nov 12, 2008)

I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out 
of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just
seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it..... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'


----------



## Puffin Afatty (Nov 12, 2008)

*SnowWhite would say, that's funny, I dont care who You are :rofl:*


----------



## SmokinMom (Nov 12, 2008)

what is grey and comes in quarts?

wait...don't answer that.


----------



## Puffin Afatty (Nov 12, 2008)

*BTW, which one was He  
Dopey :rofl: *


----------



## Dubbaman (Nov 13, 2008)

Puffin Afatty said:
			
		

> *BTW, which one was He  *
> _*Dopey :rofl: *_


From the look on his face he would have had to have been Grumpy with out any sleep cause he was Angry  but then again who knows.


----------



## lisa (Nov 15, 2008)

Dubbaman said:
			
		

> :yeahthat: i have a T-shirt that has #24 on it
> 
> 
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------
> ...



:rofl:


----------



## tesla (Nov 15, 2008)

A man is jogging in a park in San Fransisco, he come upon a man hugging a tree with his ear to the trunk. The jogger ask what are you doing? He says I am listning to the sounds of the tree. You give it a try. So the jogger gets down on his knees and puts his hands around the trunk of the tree and all of a sudden the other guy slaps hand cuffs on him. What the hell are you doing the jogger asks. I am robbing you, the guy steals his watch and wallet and runs away. A little while later another guy walks by and ask what happen to you, The jogger says, I am having a terrible day and explains what happen to him. Can you please help me asks the jogger. The guy walk up behind him and pulls his pants down and whispers in the joggers ear "This just isn't your day cupcake"


----------



## tesla (Nov 15, 2008)

*I came across this and thought of a member here (not gonna name names) But alot of his posts are very hard to read *
Can you read this?


I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!


----------



## Dubbaman (Nov 18, 2008)

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted a little crazy then he would tell me to take a few days off. 
So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, So, that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off. 

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing ?' 

I told him I was a light bulb. 

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.' 

I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '...And where do you think you're going?!' 

She said, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!'


----------



## THE BROTHER'S GRUNT (Nov 18, 2008)

*ROLMFAO D. :rofl: *


----------



## Puffin Afatty (Nov 18, 2008)

tesla said:
			
		

> *I came across this and thought of a member here (not gonna name names) But alot of his posts are very hard to read *
> Can you read this?
> 
> 
> I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!


 
*soooooo, is it possible the joke is not in the word, but in the deed* :hubba:


----------



## Dubbaman (Nov 19, 2008)

Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from. 

You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom. 

You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write. 

Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it. 

You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits. 

You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbour for setting fire to his lawn decorations. 

Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death. 

People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl. 

Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day. 

Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask. 

You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge. 

You have meaningful conversations with your toaster. 

Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your little illusion. 

You collect dead windowsill flies. 

Every time the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!" 

You like cats. Especially with mayo. 

You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island because they weren't rescued. 

You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch. 

You have a predominant fear of fabric softener. 

Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons. 

Melba toast excites you. 

When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him because "the napkins have ears." 

You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you. 

You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease. 

You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk. 

You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough) 

People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry. 

You keep thinking this is the year for the Cubs. 

You despise the voices in your head, especially the one that speaks only Hindi. 

You see migrating flocks of ducks in the fall and only your attachment to the toaster keeps you from joining them. 

The person you always talk to is invisible to everyone but you.


----------



## Dubbaman (Nov 22, 2008)

He said to me... Why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
I said to him... You wear pants don't you? 

He said to me... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said to him... Good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. 

He said to me... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I give you?
I said to him... Turn sideways and look in the mirror! 

He said to me... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him... They don't have time. 

He said to me... How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him... We don't know; it has never happened. 

He said to me... Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
I said to him... They already have boyfriends. 

He said to me... What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said to him... A widow. 

He said to me... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.


----------



## Dubbaman (Nov 23, 2008)

A man returns from a trip to Shanghai and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a series of tests. The man wakes up after these tests in a private room at the hospital and the phone by his bed rings. 
"This is your doctor," says the voice on the phone. "We have the results back from your test and... I'm sorry, you have an extremely contagious deadly disease known as G.A.S.H." 

"G.A.S.H?" replies the man. "What in the hell is that?" 

"It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, SARS and Herpes," explains the doctor. "My gosh, Doc!" screams the man in a panic, "what are we going to do?" 

"Well, we're going to put you on a strict diet of Pizza, Pancakes, Quesadillas and Pita bread," says the doctor matter-of-factly. 

"Will that cure me?" 

"Well, no," says the doctor, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."


----------



## HippyInEngland (Nov 24, 2008)

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.' 

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000,' the jeweler said. 

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.' 

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said. 

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man.

'There's no money in that account.' 

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'


----------



## MR.Antrax (Nov 25, 2008)

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital. Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep or between beeps. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are a blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.


----------



## Dubbaman (Nov 25, 2008)

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?' 
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!' 

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. 

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. 

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. 

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?' 

Harry: '9.' 

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?' 

Harry: '36.' 

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.' 

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.' 

The principal and Harry both agreed. 

Ms. Brooks asks , 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?' 

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.' 

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?' 

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! 

Harry replied: 'Pockets.' 

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?' 

Harry: 'Pants.' 

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?' 

Harry: 'Coconut. 

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. 

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?' 

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.' 

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?' 

Harry: 'Shake hands.' 

The principal was trembling. 

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?' 

Harry: 'Firetruck.' 

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.'


----------



## Dubbaman (Nov 26, 2008)

When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,
Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something I had to know;
His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors of.....Black November; 

"Come about August, now listen to me,
Each day you'll get six meals instead of just three,
And soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin,
And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin." 

"And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed,
In'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head.
Then she'll pluck out your feathers so you're bald 'n pink,
And scoop out your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink." 

"And then comes the worst part," he said not bluffing,
"She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear end with stuffing."
Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat. 

I decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked.
I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked.
I began a new diet of nuts and granola, 
High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola. 

And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,
I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes.
I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed. 

But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death.
And sure enough when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the whole compound. 

So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap;
I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap.
She held me today, while sewing and humming,
And smiled at me and said, "Christmas is coming...."


----------



## Dubbaman (Nov 27, 2008)

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident." 
The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!" 

Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved." 

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "Um, how many is a Brazilian?"


----------



## lisa (Nov 27, 2008)

:goodposting::rofl::rofl::rofl:





			
				Dubbaman said:
			
		

> A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
> Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
> 
> Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
> ...


----------



## SmokinMom (Nov 28, 2008)

This one made me laugh--- for the ladies out there....


----------



## Dubbaman (Nov 30, 2008)

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when
Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops
dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other
five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys,
someone got's to tell Paddy 's wife. Who will it be?'
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever
meet. Discretion is me middle name.. Leave it to me.'
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the
door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.

''Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.
'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

***********************************************************

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday
morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'
She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'
The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible.

Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'
She says, 'That he did, Father.'
'He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...' '

***************************************************************

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.'


----------



## Dubbaman (Dec 3, 2008)

A blonde city girl marries an Oklahoma rancher.


One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today.  I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man  arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn.


They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.' 


The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?' 


'That's simple. By the nail over its stall,' Amy explains very confidently. 


Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'


----------



## Dubbaman (Dec 4, 2008)

The George W. Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning stages and accepting donations. 
The Library will include: 

1. The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.
2. The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won't be able to remember anything.
3. The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't even have to show up.
4. The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.
5. The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.
6. The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has been able to find.
7. The National Debt Room, which is huge and has no ceiling.
8. The Tax Cut Room, with entry only to the wealthy.
9. The Economy Room, which is in the toilet.
10. The Iraq War Room. (After you complete your first visit, they make you go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth visit.)
11. The **** Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shooting gallery.
12. The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty.
13. The Supreme Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.
14. The Airport Men's Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.
15. The Decider Room, complete with dart board, magic 8-ball, Ouija board, dice, coins, and straws. 

Note: The library will feature an electron microscope to help you locate and view the President's accomplishments. 

The library will also include many famous Quotes by George W. Bush: 

1. 'The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.'
2. 'If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.'
3. 'Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.'
4. 'No senior citizen should ever have to choose between prescription drugs and medicine.'
5. 'I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.'
6. 'One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.'
7. 'Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.'
8. 'I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.'
9. 'The future will be better tomorrow.'
10. 'We're going to have the best educated American people in the world.'
11. 'One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.' (during an education photo-op)
12. 'Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.'
13. 'We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.'
14. 'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
15. 'I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.' - Geoge W. Bush to Sam Donaldson 

PLEASE GIVE GENEROUSLY! 
Sincerely, 
Jack Abramoff, 
Co-Chair , G. W. Bush Library Board of Directors


----------



## Dubbaman (Dec 4, 2008)

DAY ONE - DEAR  DIARY,I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packedall my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited.

DAY TWO - DEAR DIARY,We spent the entire day at  sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a  wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain today and  he seems like a very nice man.

DAY THREE - DEAR DIARY, I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffleboarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time.He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.

DAY FOUR - DEAR  DIARY, Went to the ship's casino ... did OK ... won about $80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had aluxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay  the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be  unfaithful to my husband.

DAY FIVE - DEAR  DIARY,Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decidedto go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I  declined. He told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was appalled!

DAY SIX - DEAR DIARY, I saved 1600 lives today... Twice.


----------



## Dubbaman (Dec 8, 2008)

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one. 

   Michael J. Fox has a small one. 




Madonna doesn't have one. 




The Pope has one but doesn't use it. 




Clinton uses his all the time. 




Bush is one. 




Mickey Mouse has an unusual one. 




Liberace never used his on women. 

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his. 




Cher claims that she took on 3. 

   We never saw Lucy use Desi's. 




What is it?














The answer is: 'A Last Name.'


----------



## Dubbaman (Dec 11, 2008)

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for is annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. 
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. 

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. 

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. 

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great Christmas tree. 

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?" 

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.


----------



## Klicks (Dec 11, 2008)

HHHHHHa, that made my day!!!!


----------



## Lastritez (Dec 11, 2008)

A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.

A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'

Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up.

The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab

And said to the driver,

'Got stuck, eh?'

The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'


----------



## Lastritez (Dec 11, 2008)

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'


A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,


'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,


'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'


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## Dubbaman (Dec 12, 2008)

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. 


The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."  

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. 

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. 
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. 

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" 

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. 

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.  

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" 

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. 

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.  


He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says... 


"Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter in  West Virginia and I'm driving the 
SALT TRUCK!"


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## 4u2sm0ke (Dec 12, 2008)

:rofl:   Thanks Dubbaman


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## slowmo77 (Dec 13, 2008)

Santa Claus makes his way down the chimney, and is met by a lovely young woman in a robe. 
She says "Santa, how about giving me a special present. I know you'd like to come into my bedroom." 

Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know." 

The lovely young thing peels off her robe, revealing a skimpy negligee. Santa looks up from his sack of gifts, and she says "I've got something special for you Santa. Can't you stay for just a little while? I know you want me. Let me make this Christmas eve unforgetable." 

Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know." 

Not to be denied, she strips off the negligee, revealing her naughty bits, and they were quite nice naughty bits, I might add. And she says "Santa, this is your last chance. This body is your gift." 

Santa responds "Hey! Hey! Hey! Gotta stay. Gotta Stay. Can't get up the chimney with my **** this way!"


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## Klicks (Dec 13, 2008)

I'm writing this real slow cause I know you can't read very fast.  We don't live where we did when you left.  We read in the paper that most accidents happen with twenty miles of home, so....we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the numbers off the house with them for their next house so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine.  The first day I put four shirts in, pulled the chain and I ain't seen em' since.

It only snowed twice this week.  Three days the first time and four days the second time.  You know the coat you wanted me to send you?  Aunt Sue said would be too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons on it, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a letter from the funeral home.  They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's bill, up she comes.

Your sister had a baby this morning.  I ain't heard whether it's a boy or girl, so I don't know if you're an Uncle or Aunt.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat.  Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off so he drowned.  We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup.  One was driving, the other two were in the back.  The driver got out.  He rolled the window down and swam to safety.  The other two drowned I'm afraid, they couldn't get the tailgate open.  

There's not much news this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mama


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## Klicks (Dec 14, 2008)

JOKES???  I thought these were real stories!!!!


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## Lastritez (Dec 15, 2008)

When girls don't put out!!
This was written by a guy...it's pretty damn smart.

Girls -- Please have a sense of humour!


I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.
I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all Dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that ***** knows I'm smarter than her.


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## Dubbaman (Dec 16, 2008)

hxxp://www.ruthann1.com/RedneckChristmas.htm

X's to t's and make sure your speakers are on


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## Dubbaman (Dec 17, 2008)

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?" 
The clerk says, "What denomination?" 

The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."


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## Dubbaman (Dec 17, 2008)

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch,
"Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

ABBOTT:.......... Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you? 

COSTELLO:..... Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm
thinking about buying a computer. 

ABBOTT:.......... Mac? 

COSTELLO:..... No, the name's Lou. 

ABBOTT:.......... Your computer? 

COSTELLO:..... I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. 

ABBOTT:.......... Mac? 

COSTELLO:..... I told you, my name's Lou. 

ABBOTT: ....What about Windows? 

COSTELLO: ....Why? Will it get stuffy in here? 

ABBOTT:.......... Do you want a computer with Windows? 

COSTELLO:..... I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?


ABBOTT:.......... Wallpaper. 

COSTELLO:..... Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. 

ABBOTT:.......... Software for Windows? 

COSTELLO:..... No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have? 

ABBOTT:.......... Office. 

COSTELLO:..... Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? 

ABBOTT:.......... I just did. 

COSTELLO:..... You just did what? 

ABBOTT:.......... Recommend something. 

COSTELLO:..... You recommended something? 

ABBOTT:.......... Yes. 

COSTELLO:..... For my office? 

ABBOTT:.......... Yes. 

COSTELLO:..... OK, what did you recommend for my office? 

ABBOTT:.......... Office. 

COSTELLO:..... Yes, for my office! 

ABBOTT:.......... I recommend Office with Windows. 

COSTELLO:..... I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say
I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I
need? 

ABBOTT:.......... Word. 

COSTELLO:..... What word? 

ABBOTT:.......... Word in Office. 

COSTELLO:..... The only word in office is office. 

ABBOTT:.......... The Word in Office for Windows. 

COSTELLO:..... Which word in office for windows? 

ABBOTT:.......... The Word you get when you click the blue "W". 

COSTELLO:..... I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with
some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have
anything I can track my money with? 

ABBOTT:.......... Money. 

COSTELLO:..... That's right. What do you have? 

ABBOTT:.......... Money. 

COSTELLO:..... I need money to track my money? 

ABBOTT:.......... It comes bundled with your computer. 

COSTELLO:..... What's bundled with my computer? 

ABBOTT:.......... Money. 

COSTELLO:..... Money comes with my computer? 

ABBOTT:.......... Yes. No extra charge. 

COSTELLO:..... I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much? 

ABBOTT:.......... One copy. 

COSTELLO:..... Isn't it illegal to copy money? 

ABBOTT:.......... Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money. 

COSTELLO:..... They can give you a license to copy money? 

ABBOTT:.......... Why not? THEY OWN IT! 

(A few days later) 

ABBOTT:.......... Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you? 

COSTELLO:..... How do I turn my computer off? 

ABBOTT:.......... Click on "START"....


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## Hick (Dec 17, 2008)

I became confused when I heard these terms

    with reference to the word 'service'. 

    Internal Revenue 'Service'
    U.S.Postal   'Service'
    Telephone 'Service'
    Cable  'Service' 
    Civil 'Service'
    Customer 'Service'
    State, City &  County  Public 'Service'

    This is not what I  thought 'service' meant.



    But today, I overheard two farmers talking,

    and one of them said he had hired a bull to

    'service' a few cows.   BAM!!!  It all came

    into focus. Now I understand what all those

    'service' agencies are doing to us.

    I hope you are as enlightened as I am.


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## Dubbaman (Dec 17, 2008)

:yeahthat: isnt it the truth


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## IRISH (Dec 17, 2008)

Patrick O'Malley hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs' of me wife". -and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.
In bed later that night, he told his wife, "Mary, i won the prize for the best toast of the night".
she said "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast"?
So he told her. Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife".
"Oh", she said, "that is very nice, dear".

The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddys drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said, "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary"?

She replied, "Aye, and i was a bit suprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once, he fell asleep, and the other time i had to pull him by the ears to make him come".


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## IRISH (Dec 17, 2008)

:spit:Here's to our Wives, and Girlfriends

may they never meet.:spit::bolt:


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## HippyInEngland (Dec 19, 2008)

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve
and says, I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your
mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says.
'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you
call your sister in Leeds and tell her.'


Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like hell
they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this,'


She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling
my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do
a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.


The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says,
'they're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way for a change.'


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## Dubbaman (Dec 20, 2008)

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, I carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk. I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers. But to my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me. He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper! ''What's going on here?"

"My car has a flat tire,' I said calmly.

"Well, what the heck are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?" I couldn't believe that he didn't know.

So I told him, 'Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!'


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## Dubbaman (Dec 22, 2008)

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.

The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'

The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'

The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!'

'OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.'

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.

'Your brother won't let me in without a tie!'


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## 4u2sm0ke (Dec 22, 2008)

:rofl:  Thanks Dubbaman:bolt::bong:


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## IRISH (Dec 23, 2008)

a farmer and his brand new wife were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.

the farmer said, 'thats once'.

a little further along, the horse stumbled yet again.

the farmer said, 'thats twice'.

after a little while, the old horse stumbled again.

the farmer did'nt say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun, and shot the horse.

his brand new bride yelled, telling him, 'that was an awful thing to do'.

the farmer said, 'thats once'...bb...

Keep 'em coming Dub...


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## Dubbaman (Dec 23, 2008)

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his log book out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa's flying skills to the test. The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and even Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun. "What's that for?!?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."


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## Dubbaman (Dec 25, 2008)

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. "Love Dolls" come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.

My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, to steer her into dining room.

But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"

I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas.


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## Dubbaman (Dec 28, 2008)

A young man goes into the Job Center in Downtown Los Angeles, and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he goes to learn more; 'Can you give me some more details?' he asks the clerk.

The clerk pulls up the file and says, 'The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $65,000, but you're going to have to go to Albuquerque New Mexico . That's about 620 miles from here.'

'Good grief, is that where the job is?'

'No sir --- that's where the end of the line is right now.'


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## Dubbaman (Dec 29, 2008)

Mejia was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said,
'Make a sentence using the words
Yellow , Pink and Green .'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
'Mister manager, I am ready'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes green, green ,
and I pink it up, and say,
' Yellow ' , this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.


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## Dubbaman (Dec 30, 2008)

THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!

If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears
With their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning

... Uphill...

BOTH ways

Yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,
There was no way in hell I was going to lay

A bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it

And how easy they've got it!

But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of
Thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my
Childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it but you kids today you
Don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, We had to go to the damn library and
Look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write
Somebody a letter, with a pen!

...Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to
Steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you
Were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!   (or you had to do an emergency break through! )

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school,
Your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you
Just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video
Games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games
Like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You
Actually had to use your Imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or
Screens, it was just one screen
Forever!

And you could never win. The game just kept getting
Harder and harder and
Faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that
Was only m-net And there was no on screen menu and no remote
Control!

You had to use a Little book called a TV Guide to find out what was
On! You were screwed when it Came to channel surfing! You had to get off
Your *** and walk over to the TV to change the Channel and there was no
Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons
On Saturday Morning. Do you Hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK
For cartoons, you spoiled
Little rat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat
Something up we had to use the stove ... Imagine that!

If we wanted Popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing
And shake it over the stove forever like an idiot.

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids
Today have got it too easy.
You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted
Five minutes back in 1980!

Regards,
The over 30 Crowd


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## Hick (Dec 31, 2008)

Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question."

"Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"

Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.

I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"


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## Dubbaman (Jan 7, 2009)

When a woman wears a new leather dress .... why ....
1.  Does a man's heart beats quicker?
2.  His throat gets dry?
3.  He goes weak in the knees?
4.  And he begins to think irrationally?

V

V

V

It's because she smells like a new golf bag!


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## Dubbaman (Jan 9, 2009)

NASCAR NEWS

Jeff Gordon fires his entire pit crew

This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of the government's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team as most races are won or lost in the pits. However-Gordon got more than he bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the Vin number, and sold the car to Dale Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.


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## IRISH (Jan 10, 2009)

the dizzy aunt - Verti Gogh
brother who ate prunes - Gotta Gogh
brother who worked at a convenience store - Stop N Gogh
grandpa from yugoslavia - U Gogh
cousin from Illinois - Chica Gogh
magician uncle - Where Diddy Gogh
mexican cousin - A Mee Gogh
mexican cousins american half brother- Gring Gogh

nephew who drove a stagecoach - Wells Far Gogh
constipated uncle - Cant Gogh
ballroom dancing aunt - Tang Gogh
bird lover uncle - Fla Min Gogh
fruit loving cousin - Mang Gogh
aunt who taught positive thinking - Way To Gogh
little bouncy nephew - Poe Gogh
sister who loved disco - Go Gogh
niece who travels in an rv - Winnie Bay Gogh
















i saw you smiling ----------------------There You Gogh......bb...


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## Dubbaman (Jan 12, 2009)

We went to the movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start a baby boomer from the center of the row got up and started working her way out.

"Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me."

By the time she got to me I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?"

"No!!" she said in a loud whisper, "The TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE message just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car!"


----------



## Runbyhemp (Jan 12, 2009)

View attachment 96632


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## IRISH (Jan 12, 2009)

:rofl:^ you aint right.

which one is Hick?:rofl:^...bb...


----------



## Hick (Jan 12, 2009)

uhmm BB.. looks like you have some mutton in your mustache this time .. 
:rofl:


----------



## Dubbaman (Jan 13, 2009)

You are on a bus, when you suddenly fart.

Luckily the music is very loud.

So every time you fart, you time it with the music.

When you start making your way to the door as you exit the bus everybody is throwing dagger looks at you.

And you suddenly realize...

You're listening to your Ipod.


----------



## Dubbaman (Jan 14, 2009)

YOUR LAUGH FOR THE DAY...................................


 The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.

One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.</ B>

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'





The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father r ushed to the nursery
to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'




The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling dis covery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.

'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'




The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husb and
opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'




The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'




The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'


----------



## parkingjoe (Jan 14, 2009)

hey have you heard about the latest NIKE ladies spandex/lycra running shorts?

they have named them 'mumbles'!!

because you can actually see the lips moving but cant hear a word the c**t is saying.


hey my daughter told this to my wife and i earlier.she wasnt easy telling us btw

lol

pkj


----------



## Dubbaman (Jan 15, 2009)

An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'


----------



## Dubbaman (Jan 15, 2009)

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'


----------



## Dubbaman (Jan 15, 2009)

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night, we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that 's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'


----------



## Dubbaman (Jan 15, 2009)

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'


----------



## Dubbaman (Jan 15, 2009)

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast?'


----------



## Dubbaman (Jan 15, 2009)

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'


----------



## Dubbaman (Jan 15, 2009)

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'


----------



## Dubbaman (Jan 15, 2009)

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'


----------



## Dubbaman (Jan 15, 2009)

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mama and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'


----------



## Dubbaman (Jan 15, 2009)

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'


----------



## BBFan (Jan 15, 2009)

Hey Dubbaman- You talking about yourself with these old folks / memory problems?
I did that one a few months ago on this thread.

Always look forward to your posts.


----------



## RaoulDuke (Jan 16, 2009)

This guy is deathly afraid of going to the doctor, but he's feeling so bad he finally breaks down and goes.  The doctor preforms all sorts of tests on him, then goes to look over the results.  

When the doctor comes back he tells him "I'm sorry sir, I have bad news."
The guy says "Give it to me strait doc, I can take it, how bad is it?"
"Very bad" the doctor tells him.
The guy asks "How long do I have?"
"10."  The doctor replied.
The guy says "10?... 10 what?...10 months? 10 weeks? 10 days?... What?"
The doctor says "9... 8... "


----------



## ArtVandolay (Jan 16, 2009)

If you're not familiar with  the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said:  

"I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced  by exact duplicates."

His mind sees  things differently than most of us do.


1 - I'd kill  for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from  pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you  know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad  name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the  spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts  feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience  is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the  rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe  in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get  the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic  girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the  speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible  ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have  obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely  anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is  coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor  excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in  the future; laziness pays off now.  

19 - I intend to live  forever.... so far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so  popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but  weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you  get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me,  "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn  louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your  name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence  that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of  thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just  after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the  softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to  steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the  gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall  behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray  table, the more of your body is required to be on  it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't  have film.
 
I was going for a walk and  my girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone.  I told her "the whole  time."

I have a seashell  collection scattered all over the world.  Maybe you've seen  it.

If your car could travel at  the speed of light, would your headlights work?


----------



## Dubbaman (Jan 17, 2009)

A group of young children were asked about marriage...
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
- Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
- Camille, age 10
No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
- Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Linette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
- Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
- Theodore, age 8
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.
- Rick, age 10


----------



## HippyInEngland (Jan 20, 2009)

These are sentences actually typed by Medical Secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow 


1. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital. 

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. 

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. 

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared. 

7.. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. 

9. Discharge status:-      Alive, but without my permission. 

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful. 

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 

12. She is numb from her toes down. 

13. While in ER, she was examined,  x-rated and sent home. 

14. The skin was moist and dry. 

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches. 

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. 

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce. 

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy. 

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. 

21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. 

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. 

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present. 

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. 

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. 

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities 
.
27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room. 

28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed. 

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. 

30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. 

31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree. 

32. The patient was to have a bowel resection.  However, he took a job as a stock broker instead. 

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.


----------



## Dubbaman (Jan 22, 2009)

New Stock Market Terms

     CEO &#8211; Chief Embezzlement Officer


 CFO -  Corporate Fraud Officer


 BULL MARKET &#8211; A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius

 BEAR MARKET &#8211; a 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.


 VALUE INVESTING &#8211; The art of buying low and selling lower.


P/E RATIO &#8211; The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.


 BROKER &#8211; What my financial planner has made me.


STANDARD & POOR &#8211; Your life in a nutshell.


STOCK ANALYST &#8211; Idiot who just downgraded your stock.


STOCK SPLIT &#8211; When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.


 MARKET CORRECTION &#8211; The day after you buy stocks.


 CASH FLOW &#8211; The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.


YAHOO &#8211; What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.


 WINDOWS &#8211; What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo at $240 per share.


INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR &#8211; Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.



 PROFIT &#8211; an archaic word no longer in use.



#     #     #     #     #  


 If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Delta Airlines

one year ago, you will have $49.00 today. 

If you had purchased $1000 of shares in AIG

one year ago, you will have $33.00 today. 

If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Lehman Brothers

 one year ago, you will have $0.00 today. 

But---- if you had purchased $1000 worth of beer

one year ago, drank all the beer,

then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund,

you will have received $214.00.


 Based on the above, the best current investment plan

is to drink heavily & recycle.   

 It's called the   401-Keg.


----------



## clanchattan (Jan 22, 2009)

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.
- Rick, age 10

She looked like a Ferrari when i married her......


----------



## Dubbaman (Jan 23, 2009)

I am not sure exactly how this works, but this is amazingly accurate.  

The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress levels at the Mayo Clinic and later at Fletcher Medical Center in Burlington  

Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. A closely monitored, scientific study revealed that, in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical, a person under stress will find many differences  between the two dolphins ..  

The more differences a person finds, the more stress that person is experiencing.          

Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may need to take a vacation.    

















No Need to Reply, I'll be on Vacation.


----------



## Dubbaman (Jan 26, 2009)

The Best Smart [email protected]@ Answers of 2008 !!

SMART [email protected]@ ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.



SMART [email protected]@ ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.  As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.! '



SMART [email protected]@ ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'



SMART [email protected]@ ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said. The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


SMART [email protected]@ ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge!  Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'



SMART [email protected]@ ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008 !!

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-*** student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam
with your other hand.'


----------



## LLLJay (Jan 27, 2009)

ha ha ha....emergency flashers!! i wasn't expecting that. good one.


----------



## Dubbaman (Jan 31, 2009)

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out
                Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
                They had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
                Breezers.

                Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
                pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

                One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
                she would take off her panties and use them.

                Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
                pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
                She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
                that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
                proceeded to wipe with that.


                After the girls did their business they proceeded on home.

                The next day one of the husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:

      'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. 

                My wife came home with no panties!!'
                'That's nothing' said the other husband,
                'Mine came back with a card stuck to her [email protected]@ that said..
                From all of us at the Fire Station.
                We'll never forget you.''


----------



## Dubbaman (Jan 31, 2009)

Number One Idiot of 2008

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center.  Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.  I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.  I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Two Idiot of 2008
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of t he 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locater beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.  

They are no longer employed at Boeing.  

Here's your sign,guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Three Idiot of 2008  

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, "Put all your money in this bag."  While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window.  So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's s ign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Four Idiot of 2008  

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that; measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs...  He immediately mailed in his $40.

Wise guy........

But you still get a sign

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Five Idiot of 2008

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer.  After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.  He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."  The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wa llet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag.  The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.  

They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Six of 2008

A pair of  Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.  

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Seven of 2008

Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.  So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.

The whole event was caught on videotape.  

Yep, here's your sign.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Eight of 2008  

We live in a semi-rural area, ( Weyauwega , Wisconsin ), and we recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.  The reason:  "Too many deer are being hit by ca rs out here!  -  I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."


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## HippyInEngland (Feb 1, 2009)

One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or *****.





But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.




I had better add that men do it too or I will get every woman on the forum flame me :rofl:


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## Dubbaman (Feb 3, 2009)

A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together.

They get back to his place.
and as he shows her around his
apartment.

She notices that one wall of his
bedroom is
completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the
bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf,

medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf,
and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,

She is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and,
after awhile, she finds herself thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips

He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds,

and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom

where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,

they are lying there together in
the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her,

strokes her cheek,

looks deeply into her eyes,

and says:


'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'


----------



## Dubbaman (Feb 3, 2009)

A girl asks her
boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet & have dinner with her parents.

  Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out & make love for the first time. 

  The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time &  the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms & sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.



The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time & all.



That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house & meets his girlfriend at the door.
'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'



The boy goes inside & is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace & bows his head. A minute passes & the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.



 10 minutes pass & still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over & whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'



 The boy turns & whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'


----------



## Dubbaman (Feb 4, 2009)

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.
The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.
'Yeah right!' she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual.. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.
Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly.
The woman thinks "maybe the ribbon might work on him." So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

In the morning, the husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.
He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, 'I don't know where we were ... or what we did .. but, by God, we took first and second place.'


----------



## HippyInEngland (Feb 5, 2009)

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull Elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The Elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the Elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The Elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. 

Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. 

Eventually the Elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. 

Peter never forgot that Elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. 

As they approached the Elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. 

The large bull Elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. 

The Elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same Elephant. 

Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. 

He walked right up to the Elephant and stared back in wonder. 

The Elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same Elephant.


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## xxdjbud420xx (Feb 5, 2009)

I seriously thought it was gonna have a happy ending and true.  lmao


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## jungle (Feb 7, 2009)

There were these three ducks wanting to land so the lead duck took them to a set of decoys in some water and by some brush.....Just as they are about to land, Hunters fired there shotguns at them and the last 2 ducks were shot and killed. The lead duck thought for a moment and then said "thank God the last time we tried to land I didn't think I would ever hear the end of it"

We are a cloned version of the fallen angels placed in a world and given the bible. Many intergalactic entities hang out here, not telling us the truth. 

Tatankra

This Genetical transformation stays 1 step ahaed of us, but YOU can tap into the realm of truths by ordering "JUNGLES GARDEN" By Hermie


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## Dubbaman (Feb 7, 2009)

A husband walks into  Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. 

Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy-),

'I have an idea.. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.


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## Dubbaman (Feb 10, 2009)

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet.  Her dog and her cat are pulling the wagon. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.

'That sure is a nice fire truck' he said with admiration.

'Thanks' the little girl said. The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little Partner', the fire fighter says, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar instead of its testicles, I think it could run faster.'

The little girl replies thoughtfully, '
"Yeah, You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"


----------



## HippyInEngland (Feb 11, 2009)

The following are all replies that Manchester women have, allegedly, written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing "father's details;" or putting it another way....


Who's the Daddy?


1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins,
Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am
Unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but
I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my
Child as I was being sick out of a window when taken
unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list
of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little
Girl. She was conceived at a party at ** East Bolton Avenue where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do
remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you
do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my
daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW Service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man.. I am still a
Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope
Confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate
And that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he
Informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that
would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country . Please advise.

7.Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do
catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my
AC/DC CDs? Child B, who was also borned at the same time....
Well, I don't have clue.

8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was
conceived at Euro-Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

9. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing
that I remember for sure is Gordon Ramsey did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 56 Miller St , mine might have remained unfertilized.

10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my
baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you
can't be sure which one made you fart.


----------



## HippyInEngland (Feb 11, 2009)

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. 
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.   



2. A set of jump leads walk into  a bar. 
The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.' 



3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.   



4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. 



5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 
   'A beer please, and one for the road.' 



6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 
'Does this taste funny to you ?' 



7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 
   'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.' 
   'Is it common ?' 
 'Well, It's Not Unusual.' 




8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. 
Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 
'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 
'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy. 


9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. 
The kids were nothing to look at either. 




10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. 



11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any. 



12. A man woke up in a hospital after  a serious accident. 
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs !' 
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !' 





13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel. 




14. What do you call a fish with no eyes ? 
   A fsh. 



15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. 
One turns to the other and says, 'Dam !' 




16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft. 
It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 




17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel,and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. 
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. 
'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. 
'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.' 





18. A woman has twins, and gives them 
up for adoption. 
One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' 
The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' 
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. 
Upon receiving the picture, 
she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture 
of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'


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## TerrorAP2 (Feb 11, 2009)

:laugh: Those are so cheesy, and yet I couldn't help but laugh at them


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## IRISH (Feb 11, 2009)

really liked the pharmacist tag dub. laughed my banjo-butt off...bb... ...


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## Dubbaman (Feb 11, 2009)

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!


Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.


Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

'What the hell was I thinking?'





Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.





How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?



I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.


I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.


As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.




Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.




Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )




Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!




When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.




We have been friends for a very long time .

let's say we stop?




I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.




Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?




Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.




So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay


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## TerrorAP2 (Feb 11, 2009)

:laugh: It just doesn't end!

I have one:
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again "Nurse, please check, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand, and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says "There's nothing wrong with them, sir!" The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly "Thank you very much, that was wonderful, but listen very, very closely: "Are my test results back?"


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## Dubbaman (Feb 12, 2009)

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.






Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?  I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied. 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own damn blanket.'

After a moment of silence, .......................he farted.


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## TerrorAP2 (Feb 12, 2009)

:rofl:


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## Dubbaman (Feb 12, 2009)

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive
double-pane energy efficient kind . Today, I got a call from
the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had
been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo, just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically
stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told ME
last year, namely, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for
themselves! Hellloooo? It's been a year! (I told him.)

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just
hung up.... He never called back. Guess I won that stupid argument.

I bet he felt like an idiot.


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## TerrorAP2 (Feb 12, 2009)

The funny thing is, is that I know some girls just like that.


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## Dubbaman (Feb 14, 2009)

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of
carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

       When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with big gift certificate envelope.

       At the second house they presented him with a box of fine
imported cigars.

       The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific
fishing lures.

       At each of the houses along his route, he was met with
congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values.

       At the final house he was met at the door
       by a strikingly beautiful young blond
       in a revealing negligee.  She took him by the hand,
       gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom  where they had
       a most passionate liaison.

       Afterwords, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant
breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and
fresh-squeezed orange juice.

       When he was truly satisfied she poured hi m a cup of steaming
coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from
under the cup's bottom edge.  '...All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, ......but what's the dollar for?'

       'Well,' she said, 'last night, I told my husband
       that today would be your last day ...and that we should do
       something special for you.
       I asked him what to give you?'
       He said, "...Screw him ........give him a dollar."

       The blonde then blushed and said,  '....But the breakfast was my idea.'


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## HippyInEngland (Feb 15, 2009)

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a
preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and
subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is
almost overcome by the smell of booze. 
Whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in
the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found
Jesus ?'

The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.' The preacher, shocked at the answer,
dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls
him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the
water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him
up. The preacher asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have you
found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,



'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'


----------



## Dubbaman (Feb 16, 2009)

A guy is driving around the back woods of Alabama and he
sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.'  He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the  backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.  But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I
wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up
for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering
near suspicious characters and listening in.  I uncovered some
incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

 'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.


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## TerrorAP2 (Feb 16, 2009)

:giggle: That was pretty damn good!


----------



## Dubbaman (Feb 16, 2009)

Sometimes...

when you cry...

no one sees your tears.



Sometimes..

when you are in pain...

no one sees your hurt.



Sometimes.

when you are worried..

no one sees your stress



Sometimes.

when you are happy..

no one sees your smile .


-

-

-

-

-

But  FART !! just ONE time...



And everybody knows!!


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## Dubbaman (Feb 17, 2009)

An attractive blond from Cork , Ireland arrived at the
 casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a 
single roll of the dice.

 She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm 
completely nude'.

 With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an 
Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

 As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! 
YES! I WON, I WON!'

 She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her 
clothes and quickly departed.

 The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
 Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

 The other answered,
 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

 MORAL OF THE STORY -

 Not all Irish are drunks,
 not all blonds are dumb,
 but all men...are men.


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## Dubbaman (Feb 17, 2009)

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially
Buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blond
Genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy
Makes his three wishes and the blond genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by
50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the
House. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and
The floor is covered in $1,000 bills! Then, there's a knock at the door. ..

He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Klu Klux Klan
Outfits.. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb
And hang him by the neck until he's dead.

As the Klansman are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two
Blond genies. One blond genie says to the other one, 'I can understand the
First wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love
To. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire, but why he wanted
To be hung like a black man is beyond me...


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## Dubbaman (Feb 17, 2009)

EVER SINCE I  WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER
   MY BED AT NIGHT. SO  I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD > HIM . . . 'I've
   got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody
   under it.  I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

  'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink.
  'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get
   rid of those fears..'

  'How much do you charge?'
  'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
  'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

   Six months later the doctor met me on the street.
  'Why didn't  you ever come to see me about those fears you were
   having?' he asked.

 'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week
  for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. 
  I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and
  bought me a new pickup!'

  'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how,  may I
   ask, did a bartender cure you?'

  'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under
   there now!


     SCREW THOSE  SHRINKS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR  BARTENDER


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## Dubbaman (Feb 17, 2009)

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.  
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.  
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start
and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 's hit!', the Rottweiler ate her!


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## Dubbaman (Feb 18, 2009)

Two Old Men  Decide They Are Close To Their Last Days
And Decide To Have A Last Night  On The Town.
After A Few Drinks, They End Up At The Local Brothel  

The Madam Takes One Look At The Two Old Geezers
And Whispers To  Her Manager,   'go Up To The First
Two Bedrooms  And Put An Inflated Doll In Each Bed.
These Two Are So Old And Drunk, I'm  Not Wasting
Two Of My Girls On Them. They Won't Know
The Difference.'  

The Manager Does As He Is Told And The Two Old
Men  Go Upstairs And Take Care Of Their Business.


As They  Are Walking Home The First Man Says, 'you
Know, I Think My Girl Was  Dead!'    


'dead?' Says His  Friend, 'why Do You Say That?'


'well , She Never Moved  Or Made A Sound All The
Time I Was Loving Her.'


His Friend Says, 'could Be Worse I Think Mine Was
A Witch.'  


'a Witch ??. . Why The Hell Would You Say That?'  


'well, I Was Making Love To Her, Kissing Her On  
The Neck, And I Gave Her A Little Bite, Then She
Farted And Flew Out  The Window... Took My
Teeth With Her!'


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## TerrorAP2 (Feb 19, 2009)

Yesterday was my birthday. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy birthday! " and possibly have a present for me. She barely said good morning, let alone "Happy birthday."I thought "Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So, when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane, said, "Good morning, Boss, and by the way, happy birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday. What do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said "Thanks, Jane, that's the best thing I've heard all day." We went to lunch, but we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office Jane said "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we? I responded "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner." After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back. "Ok," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday". And I just sat there on the couch..........naked!


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## HippyInEngland (Feb 22, 2009)

Lady Rings Hospital

Lady - Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?

Hospital - Do you know which ward she is in?

Lady - Yes, ward P, room 2B

Hospital - I'll just put you through to the nurse station

Nurse - Hello ward P, how can I help?

Lady - I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?

Nurse - I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.

Lady - Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!

Nurse - You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?

Lady - No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you sod all in here...'


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## Dubbaman (Feb 26, 2009)

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old, in fact she wasn't too bad at all, and i found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit (well more than a bit) we had a snuggle, and she asked me if i ever had a "Sportsman's double?" Whats that? I asked. "Its a mother and daughter threesome". she said. "Oh" I said as my mind began to embrace the idea,"No, I haven't" And i wondered what this daughter of hers might look like.

We drank a bit more, then she says with a wink that tonight was 'my lucky night' I went back to her place. We walked in She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs




MOM YOU STILL AWAKE?


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## Dubbaman (Feb 26, 2009)

1. Forget about knives, bats and fists. Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your friends who have guns. Bring four times the ammunition you think you could ever need.

2. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammunition is cheap - life is expensive. If you shoot inside, buckshot is your friend. A new wall is cheap - funerals are expensive

3. Only hits count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.

4. If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough or using cover correctly.

5. Move away from your attacker and go to cover. Distance is your friend. (Bulletproof cover and diagonal or lateral movement are preferred.)

6. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a semi or full-automatic long gun and a friend with a long gun.

7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.

8. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running. Yell "Fire!" Why "Fire"? Cops will come with the Fire Department, sirens often scare off the bad guys, or at least cause then to lose concentration and will.... and who is going to summon help if you yell "Intruder," "Glock" or "Winchester?"

9. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the gun.

10. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.

11. Always cheat, always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.

12. Have a plan.

13. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work. "No battle plan ever survives 10 seconds past first contact with an enemy."

14. Use cover or concealment as much as possible, but remember, sheetrock walls and the like stop nothing but your pulse when bullets tear through them.

15. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.

16. Don't drop your guard.

17. Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees. Practice reloading one-handed and off-hand shooting. That's how you live if hit in your "good" side.

18. Watch their hands. Hands kill. Smiles, frowns and other facial expressions don't (In God we trust. Everyone else keep your hands where I can see them.)

19. Decide NOW to always be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.

20. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.

21. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet if necessary, because they may want to kill you.

22. Be courteous to everyone, overly friendly to no one.

23. Your number one option for personal security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.

24. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with anything smaller than "4".

25. Use a gun that works EVERY TIME. "All skill is in vain when an Angel blows the powder from the flintlock of your musket." At a practice session, throw you gun into the mud, then make sure it still works. You can clean it later.

26. Practice shooting in the dark, with someone shouting at you, when out of breath, etc.

27. Redardless of whether justified of not, you will feel sad about killing another human being. It is better to be sad than to be room temperatire.

28. The only thing you EVER say afterwards is, "He said he was going to kill me. I beleived him. I'm sorry, Officer, but I'm very upset now. I can't say anything more. Please speak with my attorney."

 Rules For Un-armed Combat.

1: Never be unarmed.

2: If you have your hands, your feet, your mind and your Spirit as an American Soldier, Sailor, Airman, Marine or Coastie, you are never unarmed.


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## GoNAVY (Feb 26, 2009)

:rofl:  :rofl:  :rofl:  :rofl:  :rofl: 


This thread is great!!!


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## TerrorAP2 (Feb 26, 2009)

Dubbaman said:
			
		

> I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old, in fact she wasn't too bad at all, and i found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.
> 
> We drank a bit (well more than a bit) we had a snuggle, and she asked me if i ever had a "Sportsman's double?" Whats that? I asked. "Its a mother and daughter threesome". she said. "Oh" I said as my mind began to embrace the idea,"No, I haven't" And i wondered what this daughter of hers might look like.
> 
> ...





GROSS! :ignore:


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## HippyInEngland (Feb 27, 2009)

A Judge says to Mickey Mouse ..

"You cant divorce Minnie Mouse just because she is buck toothed.

Micky replies ..

I didnt say that, I said "she was f*cking Goofy"

eace:


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## growformama (Feb 27, 2009)

The early bird may get the worm...but the late mouse gets the cheese. Ponder that for a bit!


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## Marsrover1 (Feb 28, 2009)

the F.B.I had and opening for an assasin. After all the background checks, interviews  were done there were 3 finalists 2 men and a woman.
For the first test an agent took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair kill her... The man said you cant be serious i cant kill my wife!!
The agent said then your not the right man for this job take your wife and go home. The second man was given the same instructions he took the gun and went into the room all was quiet for about 5 min. The man came out with tears in his eyes. I tried but i cant kill my wife. You dont have what it takes take your wife and go home...
Finally it was the womans turn, she was given the same instructions to kill her husband, she took the gun and went into the room. shots were heard one after the other, they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few mins all was quiet. The door opened there stood the woman wiping sweat from her brow..
This gun is loaded with blanks she said, i had to beat him to death with the chair :bong2:


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## Dubbaman (Mar 4, 2009)

On the first day, God created dog and said: 'Sit by the door of your
house all day, and bark at anyone who comes in, or walks past. For this,
I will give you a life span of 20 years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
and I'll give you ten back?'

So God agreed.


On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people,
do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I will give you a 20 year life
span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for 20 years?? That's a pretty long
time to perform. How about I give you ten back like the dog?'

Again, God agreed.



On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the
field with the farmer all day long, and suffer under the sun. You must
also have calves, and give milk to support the farmers family. For this
I will give you a life span of 60 years.'

The cow said: 'That is a tough life, to live for 60 years! How about
20 and I'll give you the other 40 back??'

God agreed, once again.



On the fourth day, God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry
and enjoy your life. For this, I will give you 20 years.'

But man said: 'Only 20 years??? Could you possibly give me my 20, the
40 the cow gave back, the 10 monkey gave back, and the 10 that the dog
gave back; that'd make 80, okay?'

'Okay,' God said, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why the first 20 years of our life, we spend eating,
sleeping, playing, and enjoying life. For the next 40 years, we slave in
the sun to support our family. For the next 20 years we do monkey tricks
to entertain our grandchildren. And for the last 10 years of our life,
we sit on our porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you. We asked for it!


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## Dubbaman (Mar 4, 2009)

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation
decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding
salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how
much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as
many gifts as He gives us'.

Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally
said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we
get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'

The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'


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## Hick (Mar 4, 2009)

A Redneck Love Poem

Susie Lee Done Fell In Love,
She Planned To Marry Joe.
She Was So Happy 'bout It All,
She Told Her Pappy So.

Pappy Told Her, Susie Gal,
You'll Have To Find Another.
I'd Just As Soon Yo' Ma Don't Know,
But Joe Is Yo' Half Brother.

So Susie Put Aside Her Joe
And Planned To Marry Will.
But After Telling Pappy This,
He Said, 'there's Trouble Still.'

You Can't Marry Will, My Gal,
And Please Don't Tell Yo' Mother.
But Will And Joe, And Several Mo'
I Know Is Yo' Half Brother.

But Mama Knew And Said, My Child,
Just Do What Makes Yo' Happy.
Marry Will Or Marry Joe;
You Ain't No Kin To Pappy.


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## Marsrover1 (Mar 4, 2009)

a car was flying down the highway with a patrol car hot on his tail, he finly decided to pull over, the patrol officer came up to side of the car, said your in a heap of *@#$ boy unless you have a story i havent heard befor, the man thought fast, he said, sorry officer my wife ran off with a cop last week i thought you were him trying to give her back.. the patrol officer said, have a nice day sir and left.


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## HippyInEngland (Mar 9, 2009)

A guy goes to the supermarket & notices an attractive woman waving at

him.  She says hello

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her

from.  So he says, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful

to his wife & says, 'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor

party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies

watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?

'She looks into his eyes & says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.


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## ArtVandolay (Mar 9, 2009)

A farmer gets into hus truck and drives over to his see his farmer buddy.  When he gets there, he sees a pig with a wooden leg.  He asked his farmer buddy "why does that pig have a wooden leg"?.

His farmer buddy said "That's a really smart pig.  Few weeks ago, the house caught on fire.  The pig ran in and woke everyone up and saved the whole family.  Then, just last week, the little one fell and in the creek.  The pig jumped in and grabbed him and pulled him to shore before he got washed downstream".

The farmer said "Wow!  That IS a smart pig!  But why does he have a wooden leg?"

"Well, a pig like that, you don't want to eat him all at once".


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## SmokinMom (Mar 9, 2009)

:spit:


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## cubby (Mar 9, 2009)

The retirement center was having thier annual summer ball. In the back room of the hall gladys and mabel were talking. mabel said to gladys "just once before I die I'm gonna' do something shocking". Gladys asked her "what are you gonna do? Mabel says "i'm gonna streak right trough the middle of that ball room". So she takes off all her clothes, yanks the door open and runs right trough the ball room. Two old men see her fly trough the room. One looks at the other and asks " was that Mabel" The second one says "I believe it was". The first asks " what was she wearing?" The second says "I don't know but it could do with a damb good ironing"


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## Dubbaman (Mar 10, 2009)

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front
of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how
much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different
night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch
this.'
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen,
start your engines. '
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off
its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the
House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law
against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.


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## Dubbaman (Mar 11, 2009)

Mary was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long one, she stopped the Navajo woman and asked if she would like a ride.                     With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Mary tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman.
The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying  every little detail,
until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Mary.

"What in bag?"  asked the old woman.

Mary looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine.
I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:   




"GOOD TRADE"


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## ArtVandolay (Mar 13, 2009)

Does anyone still get Benny Hill on tv?


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## Sir_Tokie (Mar 13, 2009)

I loved watching Benny Hill growing up, But I have'nt seen an episode in like 10 yrs. Wish a channel in my area would start showing it again...take care..


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## Dubbaman (Mar 16, 2009)

A blond woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blond.

The blond cop asked to see the blond driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

'What does it look like?' she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.

The blond officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'


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## Dubbaman (Mar 16, 2009)

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the
bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream
is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that,
another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The
bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the
drunk is screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in
there?" he yells. "You're scaring my
customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet,"
slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush,
something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my
nuts."
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says,
"You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"


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## Dubbaman (Mar 18, 2009)

A  koala was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a joint   
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	





when  a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,
"Hey Koala! What are  you doing?"  
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	





The  koala said, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."  

So  the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed  a few joints.  

After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was "dry" and that  he was going to get a drink from the river.    The  little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over  and fell into the river.  
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




A  crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to  the side.  Then he asked the little lizard, "What's the matter with  you?"

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that  he  
was  sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree,  got  too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.  The  crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain  forest, found the tree where the koala was  
sitting  finishing a joint.  The crocodile looked up and  said,   "Hey  you!"



So the koala looked down at him and said,  
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	






"Sheeeeeet dude...
How much water did you  drink?!!"


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## Dubbaman (Mar 21, 2009)

A guy walks into a doctor's office and stutters, "Da-da-doc, I've
ba-ba-been sta-sta-stuttering for ye-ye-years, and I ca-ca-can't
stand it anymo-mo-more! Can you he-he-help me?"

The doctor answers "Well, I'll have to give you a thorough examination
first, but in some cases there is a cure." So the doctor puts the guy
through a battery of tests, and says, "I think I know what's causing
your stuttering."

The guy excitedly asks, "Well, wa-wa-what is it, da-da-doctor?"

"It's your penis. I know that sounds crazy, but you have an unusually
large penis - it's almost two feet long. It seems the weight is
putting a strain on your vocal cords which most men never
have to deal with."

The guy asks, "Wa-wa-what can we da-da-do?"

"Well, we could remove it and transplant a shorter one."

"Dddd...Do it!" the guy replies.

So they go through the operation, and three weeks later the guy
comes in for a follow up appointment. He says, "Doc, you
solved my stuttering problem. I don't know how to thank you. But I've
only had sex once in three weeks - my wife just doesn't like it
anymore with my new, shorter penis. I've thought about it, and
I decided I can put up with the stuttering easier than going
without the sex - I want  you to put my long one back on."

The doctor says, "Nnnnno-no-nope. A da-da-deal's a da-da-deal!"


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## HippyInEngland (Mar 24, 2009)

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.  Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.....but at least that ***** knows I'm smarter than her.

eace:


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## Dubbaman (Mar 25, 2009)

After living in Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly
decided it was time to visit the big city .

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.
Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image
staring back at him, 'How about that! Here's a
picture of my daddy.'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his
daddy, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't
like his father, so he hung it in the barn, and every
morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and
look at it..

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the
barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn
and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's
the ugly ***** he's runnin' around with.'


----------



## HippyInEngland (Mar 27, 2009)

Zen Teachings    

1.  Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.  Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.  Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow...  In fact, just piss off and leave me alone. 

2. Sex is like air.  It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.. 

3. No one is listening until you fart. 

4. Always remember you're unique.... Just like everyone else. 

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments. 

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. 
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.   

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 

12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen. 

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time. 

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment. 

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works. 

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. 

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our *** ... then things just keep getting worse. 

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.


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## HippyInEngland (Mar 27, 2009)

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee 
and, as she bends over to place her ball, 
a gust of wind blows her skirt up and 
reveals her lack of underwear. Good God, 
Woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', 
Ole demanded. 'Well, you don't give me 
enough housekeeping money to afford
Any.' The Swede immediately reaches into 
his pocket and says, 'For the sake of 
decency, here's a 50 kroner . Go and buy 
yourself some underwear.'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to 
set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows 
up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.
'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've 
no knickers. Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the 
money you give me.' Patrick reaches into 
his pocket and says , 'For the sake of
decency, here's a £20. Go and buy yourself 
some underwear!'

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. 
The wind also takes her skirt over her 
head to reveal that she, too, is naked 
under it 'Jings Crivens an Helpmaboab, Aggie! 
Whaur the the hell ur yer breeks?' She 
too explains, 'You dinna gee-me enough  
money ta be able ta afford ony. The 
Scotsman reaches into his pocket and 
says,  'Well, fur the love 'o Goad, 
here's a comb... Tidy yersell up a bit.


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## Dubbaman (Mar 27, 2009)

Man who run in 

Front of car get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run behind 

Car get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with one 

Chopstick go hungry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who scratch *** 

Should not bite fingernails.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many 

Prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baseball is wrong: 

Man with four balls cannot walk..

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not 

Determine who is right, war determine who is 

Left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put 

Husband in doghouse soon find him in 

Cathouse.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fight with 

Wife all day get no piece at night....

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It take many nails 

To build crib, but one screw to fill it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like 

Hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in 

Glass house should change clothes in 

Basement.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in 

Other man's well often catch crabs....

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator 

Smell different to midget.


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## Dubbaman (Mar 27, 2009)

Just some bumper stickers that could be


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## Dubbaman (Mar 27, 2009)

more


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## cubby (Mar 29, 2009)

What did the bind man say when he passed by the fish market?
Good morning Ladies....


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## Dubbaman (Apr 2, 2009)

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.



So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."


"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.



"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered. "I'm going to have a beer."



The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries:Germany, Holland,Japan,India, etc.



The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know... they have frozen glasses.... "



He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.


The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be! right back. I promise. OK?"



"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.



"But my sweet honey... at the bar you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."



"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHEET! SIT YOUR DONKEY DOWN, SHUT THE BELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE  YOUR MARRIED DONKEY  ISN'T GOING TO A DARNED BAR! THAT SHEET IS OVER, GOT IT, JOHNNY KNOXVILLE?"


----------



## Dubbaman (Apr 2, 2009)

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values. 

Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?' 
Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

__________________________________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my 
intelligence come from?' 
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

__________________________________________________________________

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court 
Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,' 
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and

then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.' 

________________________________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took 
the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' 
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

________________________________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has 
been living with for the last 40 years. 
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that 
were used to put the curse on you.' 
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

________________________________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: 
1. The DNA all matches. 
2. There are no dental records.

________________________________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take 
to fly from San Francisco to  New York City ?' 
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.' 
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

________________________________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks 
him how he is feeling. 
'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered. 
'What did he say,' asked the nurse. 
'Oops!'

________________________________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of 
bathing suits.. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had 
even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. 
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?' 
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.' 

________________________________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive

clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning,

accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 

'Well, she's there.


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## Dubbaman (Apr 2, 2009)

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 
 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a *****.....


----------



## Dubbaman (Apr 2, 2009)

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date-rape-drug on the market called ' Beer' .

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'. In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females. 

If you fall victim to this ' Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book. 


to see how beer works copy go here ----->.brackenspub.com/beer.swf


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## Dubbaman (Apr 3, 2009)

There was this small church down in Texas that had a very big-busted Organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another Organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to Mash up some green Persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her not to eat any of the green Persimmons, though, 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while'.
She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said...



'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday.'


----------



## Dubbaman (Apr 4, 2009)

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"

The doctor asked Patient #1, "What is Patient #2 was doing?"

Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb."

The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red. The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself."

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"


----------



## Dubbaman (Apr 10, 2009)

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist, who had prepared carefully for weeks, completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen before in my entire career."


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## Dubbaman (Apr 10, 2009)

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most
    of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told
    her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for
    her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he
    realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.

    'Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?
    'Yes, they help me sleep at night.'
    'Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these
    that could possibly help you sleep!' 

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.

'Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up
and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old
granddaughter drinks......And believe me, it
helps me sleep at night. ' You gotta love Grandma


----------



## HippyInEngland (Apr 11, 2009)

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. 
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. 
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. 


After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. 


'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Easter party Saturday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00.' 


'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.' 


As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.' 


'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'. 


Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.' 


'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.' 


'More 'n likely be some wild sex, too,' 


'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?' 


'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'


----------



## Dubbaman (Apr 13, 2009)

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four
young Mothers and their small children.  "You all have obsessions," he
observed.

        To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with
eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

        He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

        He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

        At th is point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took
her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Di-ck, this guy has
no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from
school and go get dinner."


----------



## zipflip (Apr 13, 2009)

lol


----------



## HippyInEngland (Apr 15, 2009)

THE LODGER

A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

'Mondays the best night, when my husband goes out to darts', she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday..

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.

She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home.

He didn't believe her so she said, 'Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself'.

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, 'Do you shave?'

'No', replied the girl. 'I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?'

'Oh yes', said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.

When the husband got back in she asked, 'Did you see it?' 

'Yes', he said. 'But why the hell did you have to show her yours?'

'Why not?' she said. 'You've seen it all before.'

'I know', he said, 'but the darts team hadn't'!


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## purplephazes (Apr 15, 2009)

How many men doe's it take to change a light bulb ?....none.. the world revolves around us


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## purplephazes (Apr 15, 2009)

Q=why did the woman cross the road ..A=who cares whats she doin outta the kitchen


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## purplephazes (Apr 15, 2009)

One day a fly was crusin along feelin a bit pekish and noticed a huge pile of poo ..so he stopped in for a meal after eating for an hour the sun started going down so he figured he should head home ! upon trying to take off he realised that he had eaten way to much to take off ! but he saw a shovel stuck in the poo and decided to climb up the handle to get a better take off point ..so he climbed all the way up the handle and tried to take off but just splattered onto the poo heap again....so.....whats the moral of this story.............dont go flyin off the handle when you are full of S#%T


----------



## Dubbaman (Apr 15, 2009)

A blond is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner thigh. Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo and in that location.

She responds, 'It's really cool. If you put your left ear up against it, you can smell the ocean!'


----------



## PencilHead (Apr 15, 2009)

Guy goes to the doctor, complains about getting fat.  Says: Doc, I can't see my penis anymore.  Doc says: You need to diet.  Man asks: What color?


----------



## purplephazes (Apr 15, 2009)

A  boy was looking forward to his 1st day at his new primary school he was finally going to be in grade 3 his mummy packed his lunch and took him to school ..and just after play lunch he had to go to physical education. while in the changing rooms he looked around and noticed his ding-a-ling was much bigger than everyone elses. so upon arriving home he said mummy i have the biggest ding-a-ling in my whole class . and his mummy said well of course son you are 18 .


----------



## Dubbaman (Apr 16, 2009)

FIRST DEGREE

A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.  The very blond wife picked up the phone, listened a moment, and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up  The husband said, 'Who was that?'



The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'



SECOND DEGREE

Two blonds are walking down the street.  One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.  She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'



The second blond says, 'Here, let me see!'



So, the first blond hands her the compact.



The second blond looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'



THIRD DEGREE

A blond suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.  She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.  Well, the blond is really angry.  She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.  She takes the gun and puts it to her head.



The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'



The blond replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'



FOURTH DEGREE

A blond was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.  She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me... I know 'em all.'



A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'



The blond replies, 'Oh, that's easy. Its W.'



FIFTH DEGREE

Q: What did the blond ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

A: 'Is it mine?'



SIXTH DEGREE

Bambi, a blond in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class.  The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.



Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware .'



SEVENTH DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blond was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.  She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.  The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.



As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blond ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.  Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen.  I call the police for help, and what do they do?  They send me a BLIND COP!'


----------



## Dubbaman (Apr 16, 2009)

Two tall trees,a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.A small tree begins to grow between them,and the beech says to the birch,'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling..The birch says,'Woodpecker,you are a tree expert.Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies,'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.It is,however,the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.'


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## HippyInEngland (Apr 17, 2009)

Management Letter. 

Dear Employees.

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. 

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). 

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). 

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SH!T (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. 

Management has always prided itself on the amount of SH!T it gives employees. 

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SH!T, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. 

They have been trained to give you all the SH!T you can handle.

Sincerely

The Management.


----------



## StoneyBud (Apr 17, 2009)

"Yes, that was very loud and smells really bad, but I SAID, I NEED TO HEAR YOUR HEART!"


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## Dubbaman (Apr 20, 2009)

Dear Ask Andy, 

I hope you can help me here.. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter. I am 41, my husband is 44, and the neighbor's daughter is 22. 

We have been married for ten years.  When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.  He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant.  He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. 

Can you please help? 

Sincerely, 

Lost in Louisiana  
****************************** 







Dear Lost: 

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.  Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. 

I hope this helps, 

Andy.


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## PencilHead (Apr 20, 2009)

Blond gets pulled in Alabama; the trooper comes up to her window, asks if she's been drinking.  She denies it but the trooper says she'll have to take a breath test, and zips down his pants, and....

So the blond is now in Georgia and gets pulled again.  The GA trooper asks has she been drinking and she again denies it.  The GA troop, just like his AL counter-part said, "Sorry, Ma'am, but you'll have to take a breathalizer test," and zips down his pants.  

The blond says, "Wow, they've got the same breathalizers in Alabama.


----------



## Sir_Tokie (Apr 21, 2009)

3 guys were out one day and came across a Gator farm. So they thought they would check it out. When entering the gates they noticed they were having a contest that day. So upon entering they went over to check it out, when they got over there this guy was explaining the rules of the contest. He says there's only 1 rule come out alive. The contest consist of someone getting onto a pool filled with 50 hungry gators and being able to swim from one end to the other without dying. The prize is you could collect $50'000 or collect a brand new Motor Home, do I have any takers he asked? The group was dead silent with no takers. The out of no where they heard a big SPLASH, all eyes turn towards the pool and there in the pool was 1 of the 3 men. Well as he is fighting and swimming, ripping and tearing he makes it to the other end of the pool and crawls out. Upon crawling out the manager runs up to him and asks what do you want the money or the motor home? The guy takes a minute to catch his breath and says All I want? All is want to know is WHO THE HELL PUSHED ME IN!!!!!!!!!!...take care..


----------



## Dubbaman (Apr 21, 2009)

They're back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for church ladies with typewriters misspellings, bad sentence construction or choice of words all make for fun reading. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
------------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning:  "Jesus walks on the Water." The sermon tonight:
Searching for Jesus."
------------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: Break Forth into Joy."
-----------------  -------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.  So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"  Come early and listen to our choir practice.
 ---------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
------------------------------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
------------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
------------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.  Please use large double door at the side entrance.
------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday:  "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!


----------



## Dubbaman (Apr 21, 2009)

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.
                         'WOW!' the social worker exclaims. 'Are they all yours?''
                          'Yep, they are all mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a
thousand times before.  She says, 'Sit down Leroy.' All the children rush to find seats.
 'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'
'Well,to keep it simple, the boys are all named 'Leroy' and the girls are all named 'Leighroy.'
 In disbelief, the case worker. 'Are you serious?  They're ALL named Leroy?'
Their momma replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out
of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!'
an they all comes a runnin. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell
Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.'
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively,
'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'

         'Then I call them by their last  name.'


----------



## IRISH (Apr 22, 2009)

^:rofl: 

Two old women met downtown for coffee.
"did you come on the bus?" the first asked.
"yes," said the second, "but i made it look
like an asthma attack"...bb...


----------



## IRISH (Apr 22, 2009)

"my boyfriend is going to die of syphilis," mumbled an angry
woman to her friend.
"no," her friend said, " people don't die 
of syphilis anymore".
the woman replied, "they do when they give it to me"...bb...


----------



## IRISH (Apr 22, 2009)

Three contractors were bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.
the first contractor said, "i figure the job will run about $900- $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

The second contractor announced, " i can do this job for $700- $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

The third contractor leaned over to the White House official, and whispered, $2,700."

the incredulous White House official asked him, "how did you come up with such a high figure?"

the contractor smiled, and said " $1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the second guy to fix the fence."...bb...


----------



## Dubbaman (Apr 22, 2009)

BB are you in the zone on how the business of government contracts really work  :rofl:


----------



## Dubbaman (Apr 22, 2009)

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'.
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'For reading a book,' she replies,
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment..'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.


----------



## HippyInEngland (Apr 24, 2009)

A woman takes a very limp duck into a vets. She lays her pet on the table and the vet pulls out his stethoscope and listens to the
birds chest. After a moment or two, he shakes his head and says "I'm sorry, your pet is dead. The distressed woman wails, "Are you sure?".
"Yes I'm sure, the duck is dead." he replies 

"How can you be so sure? " she protests. "I mean, you haven't done any testing-he might be in a coma or something." The vet rolls his
eyes, and leaves the room. He returns with a black Labrador. The ducks owner looks on in amazement as the dog stands on his hind
legs, puts his front paws on the table & sniffs the duck from top to bottom. He looks at the vet with sad eyes & shakes his head.  

The vet pats the dog, takes it out & returns with a cat. The cat jumps on the table sniffs the bird from beak to tail & back, looks
at the vet, shakes it head, jumps down & leaves the room. The vet looks at the woman & says "I'm sorry, but this duck
is most definitely, 100%, certifiably, a dead duck. He turns to his computer, hits a few keys, & produces a bill. Still in shock, she takes the bill
"£450!" she cries. "That much to tell me the duck is dead."  

The vet shrugs. "If you'd taken my word for it, it would have been £30, but with the lab report & the cat scan, well, it all adds up."


----------



## StoneyBud (Apr 24, 2009)

Joe and Pete are fishing on the west bank of a new lake they've found. After most of the morning, not even a single bite.

They watch as a lady starts fishing on the opposite bank and she immediately starts pulling fish out like crazy! After pulling 20 fish from the lake, she leaves.

Well, Joe and Pete return the next morning and set up right where that lady pulled all the fish from.

Not a single bite all morning.

The same lady returns and sets up in the spot they had tried the day before.  She starts pulling fish out by the dozens!

Pete and Joe decide they'll swallow their pride and ask.

The lady says: "When I wake, I check my Hubby's Tallywacker. If it's laying to the east, I fish the east side of the lake. If it's laying to the west, I fish the west side of the lake.

Joe and Pete look at each other and Joe asks "What if it's pointing straight up in the air?"

The lady replies: "Well in that case, I don't go fishing that morning"


----------



## Dubbaman (Apr 25, 2009)

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is
this true?

        A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...
Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding
up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?
Take a nap.







        Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

        A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?
Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more
than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass
(green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your
recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.



        Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

        A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit.

        Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of
the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is
also made out of grain.

        Bottoms up!



        Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

        A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one
to one. If you have two bodies your ratio is two to one, etc.



        Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?

        A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No
Pain...Good!



        Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

        A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!

        ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact,
they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for
you?



        Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft
around the middle?

        A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.





        Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

        A: Are you crazy?

        HELLO

        Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food
around!





        Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

        A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.





        Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

        A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!





        Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have
had about food and diets.





        And remember:





        'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to
skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other -
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a
Ride'









        AND......





        For those of you who watch what you eat , here's the final word
on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those
conflicting nutritional studies.





        1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans.





        2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
than Americans.





        3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans.





        4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans.





        5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and
fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.





        CONCLUSION





        Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what
kills you. .............


----------



## Dubbaman (Apr 25, 2009)

Many of us 'Old Folks' (those over 50, WAY over 50, or hovering near 50) are quite confused today about how we should present ourselves. Feeling 'young' , we try to conform to current fashions and present a youthful image.

    Contrary to what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations 

    DO NOT go together and should be avoided: 

    1. A nose ring and bifocals 

    2. Spiked hair and bald spots 

    3. A pierced tongue and dentures 

    4. Miniskirts and support hose 

    5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads 

    6. Speedos and cellulite 

    7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar 

    8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor 

    9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge 

    10. Bikinis and liver spots 

    11. Mini skirts and varicose veins 

    12. Inline skates and a walker 

    And, most importantly: 

    At some point you have to give up the "DAISY DUKE" shorts


----------



## Dubbaman (Apr 27, 2009)

A small zoo in West Virginia obtained a very rare species of gorilla. 

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.  Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem.  The gorilla was in heat.  To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. 

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.  Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. 

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.  Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500..00? 

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.  The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions: 

            "First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."  The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.



            "Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt."  The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.



            "Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.



            "Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist."  Once again it was agreed.



            "And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00.


----------



## zipflip (Apr 27, 2009)

thats just wrong man... LOL


----------



## PencilHead (Apr 27, 2009)

Like Zip says, that's just wrong on so many levels, but I do like the Southern Baptist part, I gotta say.


----------



## cadlakmike1 (Apr 27, 2009)

Two guys walk into a pub and sit down. The gentleman they're sitting next to has no one else near him and looks pretty glum so they ask him what's wrong?

He says "You see the bridge outside? I built that with my bare hands, but do they call me John the bridge builder? No. And you see that fence outside? I built it with my bare hands, but do they call me John the fence builder? No. Even this bar, I built it with my bare hands, but do they call me John the pub builder? No.....But you fu** one goat."


----------



## Dubbaman (Apr 27, 2009)

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'


----------



## HippyInEngland (Apr 27, 2009)

Theft Problem - IMPORTANT MESSAGE:


You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys
removed by black-market organ thieves.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to
sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick. The
replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and
what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs.
Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans.
And then the thieves struck again.

My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to
match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my
new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I
realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favour of long skirts.
Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing
my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro
with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body
was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to me next?


When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck,
I decided to tell my story. Women of the world, wake up and smell the
coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts
-stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has something
lifted', look again - was it lifted from you?

THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere every night.

WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

P. S. Last year I thought some one had stolen my boobs. I was lying in bed
and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that
they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden
in my waistband.

These same thieves come in my closet and shrink my clothes! How do they do
it????
Thought this was too 'important' not to pass on. Have a wonderful day - with
a joy filled heart.


----------



## Dubbaman (Apr 27, 2009)

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'


----------



## Dubbaman (Apr 28, 2009)

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most  dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after  eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'


----------



## PencilHead (Apr 28, 2009)

HippyInEngland said:
			
		

> Theft Problem - IMPORTANT MESSAGE:
> 
> 
> You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys
> ...


 
Same guys are stealing my hair and my eyesight.


----------



## Dubbaman (Apr 29, 2009)

I recently had to get a new grill. The one i have has had about 6 years of use, and it has finally gotten on its last legs. The wife tells me your the one who cooks on it so pick which ever one you want and get it. I search and search for mans ultimate grilling machine and this is the one ive decided on!


----------



## Dubbaman (Apr 29, 2009)

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'


----------



## HippyInEngland (Apr 30, 2009)

LOST


Two blokes, one old  and one young , are pushing their carts around a huge DIY store when they collide. 

The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that.  I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going. 

'The young guy says, 'That's OK.  It's a coincidence.  I'm looking for my wife, too..  I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.' 

The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other.  What does your wife look like?' 

The young guy says, 'Well, she's 24 yrs old, tall, with long blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, 

and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra.  What does your wife look like?' 

The old guy says.... . 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for Yours.' 

Most Old Guys are helpful like that.


----------



## Dubbaman (Apr 30, 2009)

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old  goats?' A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!


----------



## Dubbaman (Apr 30, 2009)

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

    He  smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

    Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. 

    Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the  ground.

    He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.


        He  noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

        'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

        'They're mating,' her father replied.

        'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

        'That's a Daddy Long legs,' her father answered.

        'So, the other one is a Mommy Long legs?' the little girl asked.

        As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied,  'No dear.  Both of them are Daddy Long legs.'

        'The  little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat...

    'Well, we're not having any of that gay **** in our garden' she said.


----------



## Dubbaman (May 1, 2009)

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees,
I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,
Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had  been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'Hell no, they ain't  twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?

So I replied,
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,
I just  couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.


----------



## Sir_Tokie (May 10, 2009)

3 pregnant women were in the waiting room of the doctors office. A blond, a red head and a brunett. The red head looks at the brunett and says I hear if your on top then you will have a boy and the brunett says well i hear if your on the bottom you will have a girl. Then the blond starts to cry and ask the other women does this mean I'm going to have puppies?...take care..


----------



## HippyInEngland (May 11, 2009)

The Bunny and the Snake

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.. 
By coincidence both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny 
was hopping through the forest and tripped over the snake
and fell down.

'Oh, my,' said the bunny, 'I'm 
terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.
I've been blind since birth and can't see where I'm going. In fact, since
I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am.' 

'That's ok,' replied the snake. 'Actually, I too, have been blind since
birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could 
slitherall over you, and figure out what you are so you'll know. 

'That would be wonderful' replied the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, 'Well, you're 
covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose 
twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you 
must be a bunny rabbit.' 

'Oh, thank you, thank you,' cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.
The bunny suggested to the 
snake, 'Maybe I could feel you all over with my
paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me.'
So the bunny felt 
the snake all over, and remarked, 'Well, you're smooth and
slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.
I'd say you must be a team leader, a supervisor or possibly someone 
in senior management


----------



## Dubbaman (May 14, 2009)

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.

He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. 'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole..'

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request..

'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole.' Once again he thanked her and re turned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?'

'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.

'No, I won't.

'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.'

With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool.

'See,' she said.. 'I knew you'd laugh!'

'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.'


----------



## Dubbaman (May 19, 2009)

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, 'Is this a union house?'

'No,' she replied, 'I'm sorry it isn't.'

'Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?'

'The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,' she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, 'Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules.'

The man asked, 'And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?'

'The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.'

'That's more like it!' the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blond ...

'I'd like her,' he said.

'I'm sure you would, sir,' said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, 'but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next.'


----------



## StoneyBud (May 20, 2009)

Just saw a member with the name "SheCallsHimThor" and it made me think of this one:

The Thunder God "Thor" was kickin back with his fellow Gods on Mount Olympus and after getting the Boss God Zeus by himself, explained; "Hey Zeus, it's been like 100 years since I've been with a lady and I need to go down among humans and get right!"

"Well, says Zeus, If you do, you HAVE to tell the lady that you're a God, because otherwise, she'll be ruined as a lover to any mortal man after making love to a God."

So, Thor is ready to agree to anything, so off to the land of Mortals he goes. He finds a great lady in a tavern and beds her for the night. They get it on in the Kitchen, the Living Room, the Hallway, The floor, Hanging from the Chandelier, the Stable, the Table, and the Wash Room.

The next morning, Thor tells her as instructed by Zeus, "Hey, I have to tell you; I'm Thor."

She responds with a lisp; "YOU think YOUR Thor!"


----------



## Dubbaman (May 21, 2009)

How we raise kids

In West Virginia

Miss Sally Edwards

Is a highly esteemed

Third grade teacher at

Mercer County Elementary School.

In an effort to prepare her students

For the all-important TAKS test,

She compiled an exam

Consisting of 20 questions,

Which she administered

To her class last Tuesday.

The exam purposely covered

A broad array of topics.

I call your attention to question # 11, which simply read:

LIST, IN ANY ORDER, THE FOUR SEASONS:

1. ________ 2. ________ 3.________ 4. ________





Now, could you possibly imagine

That 67% of the students

Gave the following answer?



1. SQUIRREL SEASON

2. DEER SEASON

3. RABBIT SEASON

4. TURKEY SEASON

GOD BLESS            West Virginia


----------



## Hick (May 21, 2009)

After a field trip to the farm, a second grade teacher opened a discussion with the class.
 "What all did you hear today at the farm children ?"
 "quack quack quack" says one.
 Mooooo" says another..
  "Get off of the ******* tractor" says a third...


----------



## Dubbaman (May 23, 2009)

The World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'

The girl said, 'NO!'

And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END


----------



## StoneyBud (May 25, 2009)

I have Kleptomania,
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.


----------



## Dubbaman (May 29, 2009)

Some of us are not simple minded and here we love to play scrabble lots and when the words play is done we see if we cant anagram the board into new things here are some that i've liked from our games.


PRESBYTERIAN: 
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER





ASTRONOMER: 
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER





DESPERATION: 
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT







THE EYES:  
When you rearrange the letters: 
THEY SEE







GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters: 
HE BUGS GORE







THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters: 
HERE COME DOTS






DORMITORY: 
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM




SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters: 
CASH LOST IN ME







ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY







ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters: 
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT





SNOOZE ALARMS: 
When you rearrange the letters: 
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S







A DECIMAL POINT: 
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE







THE EARTHQUAKES: 
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE







ELEVEN PLUS TWO: 
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE








AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:





MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters: 
WOMAN HITLER


Ok so some of them are not single words but you can now seee how fun anagrams are


----------



## StoneyBud (May 29, 2009)

*Kinky is using a feather.*
*
Perverted is using the entire chicken.*​


----------



## Sir_Tokie (May 30, 2009)

A bad day....A man sitting in a bar all alone was just staring at his drink, after about 20 mins this mean old bully walks over stands beside him and then takes his drink and chuggs it down. Out of nowhere the man starts to cry and the bully says hey buddy I was just joking with you, here let me buy you another drink as I don't like to see grown men cry. The man says thats ok, no need for a drink now as my day can't get much worse. The bully ask what's your problem there buddy? And the guy starts by telling him that this morning he was late for work and got fired, calls a taxi to take him home, walks in to find his wife in bed with his best friend, starts to leave then realizes he left his briefcase with wallet and car keys in taxi, walks here to the bar and on the way gets bitten by a dog, comes in here orders a drink with the last of his money and then as I was sitting here waiting for my poison pills to dissolve you take my last drink and drink it...take care..


----------



## HippyInEngland (May 30, 2009)

An old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads 
for the docks once more, for old times sake. 
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. 
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, 
but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?? ' 
The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots ' 
'Three knots?' he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean? ?' 

She says, 

'You're knot hard, .....you're knot in, 
and... you're knot getting your money back ..


----------



## oltomnoddy (May 30, 2009)

A woman goes to her doctor's office, to discuss a strange development. 
She has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh. 
They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.

The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, 
And tells her not to worry until he gets the tests back. 

A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor.

She immediately begs to know what' s causing the spots. 

The doctor says, 'You're perfectly healthy--there' s no problem. 
But I'm wondering, was your boyfriend that Harley guy in the waiting room?' 

The woman stammers, 'Why, Yes, but how did you know?' 

Tell him his earrings aren't real gold.


----------



## purplephazes (Jun 1, 2009)

Quote:
Originally Posted by GorillaGrower72
the pot is to deep in the woods for me to get lol dont want to get attacked by a bear or some ****. ( well i thought that whole thread is a good laugh )


----------



## Sir_Tokie (Jun 1, 2009)

Farting All The Time
Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."


----------



## Sir_Tokie (Jun 1, 2009)

Expensive Fishing Trip...
Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip. 

They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods.

They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything.

The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day.

It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"

The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"


----------



## Sir_Tokie (Jun 1, 2009)

Phone rings.."Hello?"
"Hi honey this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy.
She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
Brief Pause.
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?" he asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared,jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"


----------



## Sir_Tokie (Jun 1, 2009)

0 to 200 in 6 seconds...
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really upset.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.


----------



## StoneyBud (Jun 1, 2009)

I smoke so much weed that my short term memory isn't what it used to be. 
Also, I smoke so much weed that my short term memory isn't what it used to be.


----------



## Dubbaman (Jun 1, 2009)

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much. 
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.


These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

16. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
15. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
14. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
11. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think  it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
9. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that  again or I'll give you another ticket."
8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey ****."
6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
5. "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
4 "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
3. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
2. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail." 
1. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."


----------



## Super Silver Haze (Jun 1, 2009)

StoneyBud said:
			
		

> I smoke so much weed that my short term memory isn't what it used to be.
> Also, I smoke so much weed that my short term memory isn't what it used to be.


 
i see your eyesight is going too.


----------



## Sir_Tokie (Jun 2, 2009)

Poor guy...
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. 

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"


----------



## Dubbaman (Jun 2, 2009)

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard.." He says. She got in the back-seat by mistake.."


----------



## StoneyBud (Jun 2, 2009)

*Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!*​


----------



## Sir_Tokie (Jun 3, 2009)

CODE WORD FOR SEX...

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."


----------



## Sir_Tokie (Jun 3, 2009)

CAUGHT CHEATING...

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.

With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his manhood in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle.

Next she picked up a hacksaw.

The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."


----------



## Dubbaman (Jun 3, 2009)

TO
ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE  
1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who
smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. 


They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn't get tested for diabetes. 


Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-base paints. 


We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our heads. 



As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no
seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes. 


Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat. 


We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. 


We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this. 


We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And, we weren't overweight. WHY? 


Because we were always outside playing...that's why! 


We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. 


No one was able to reach us all day. And, we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times,   we learned to solve the problem. 



We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's and X-boxes.. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet and no chat rooms. WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. 


We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes. 


We rode bikes or
walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. 


Imagine
that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.. They actually
sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever. 


The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. 


We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

If YOU are one of them? CONGRATULATIONS!

OK You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good. 


While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave and lucky their parents were. 


Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it ?


----------



## Dubbaman (Jun 3, 2009)

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much. 
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.


> > These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

16. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
15. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll tretch after you wear them a while."
14. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
11. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think  it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
9. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that  again or I'll give you another ticket."
8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey ****."
6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
5. "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
4 "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
3. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
2. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail." 
  AND THE WINNER IS....
1. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."


----------



## Dubbaman (Jun 4, 2009)

Upon hearing  that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went  straight to  her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort  her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had  a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people  nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured  out the best time to do it was when the church bells would  start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice  and slow and even. Nothing  too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd  still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."


----------



## StoneyBud (Jun 4, 2009)

*Dyslexics Have More Nuf*​


----------



## Dubbaman (Jun 5, 2009)

*Once i thought i was wrong...But i was mistaken.*


----------



## smokingjoe (Jun 5, 2009)

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 10.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Membership Renewal

Dear David

This is a friendly reminder to let you know your gym membership expired last week. Your membership is important to us and we would like to take this opportunity to show our appreciation by offering you a 20% discount on your membership renewal. We look forward to seeing you again soon.

All the best, Jeff Peters


From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 1.37pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Membership Renewal

Dear Jeff,

Thankyou for your friendly reminder and the kind offer to reduce my membership by twenty percent. I own a calculator but I could not work out how to do percentages on it so have estimated that I save around $372.10 off the normal price of $420.00 - Please confirm that this is correct and I will renew my membership immediately. Also, do I get a Fitness First sports bag with towel and drinking bottle included in the price? I own my own legwarmers and headband.

Regards, David.



From: Jeff Peters
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.01am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello David

How did you come to that amount? Our half year membership fees are actually $460 but with the 20% discount as an existing member your renewing membership fee would be only $368 for the six months saving you almost $100 off the normal price. We are not Fitness First so do not have those bags.

Cheers, Jeff


From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.18am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Do I get free shipping with that?

Regards, David.



From: Jeff Peters
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 12.48pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Free shipping with what? The $368 covers your membership fees for six months.


From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 2.26pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

By the power of Greyskull that is a lot of money but I admit to being in desperate need of increasing my body strength. My ten year old child often turns the taps off in the bathroom very tightly and I have to go several days without washing. I feel bad constantly having to ask the lady from next door to come over and loosen them for me, what with her arthritis and limited wheelchair access to my apartment. To be honest, I originally joined your gym with full intentions of attending every few days but after waiting in vain for someone to offer me steroids, I began to suspect this was not going to happen and the realisation that I may have to exercise instead was, quite frankly, horrifying. My aversion to work, along with the fact one of your employees, Justin, was rather rude, telling me to 'lift this', ''push that' dulled my initial enthusiasm of becoming muscular and I stopped attending.

Regards, David.



From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 9.17am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello David

Not sure how to take your email, nobody here would offer you steroids, it is illegal and none of our staff would do this. Justin is one of our most experienced trainers and if you found him rude while he was trying to be helpful and just doing his job then there are plenty of other gyms you could look at joining instead.

Cheers, Jeff


From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.02am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Yes, I have noticed that there are many gyms in my area. I assume the low qualification requirements of fitness trainers means that there is an over supply of these buffed but essentially otherwise purposeless professionals. I knew a guy in high school who couldn't talk very well and collected sticks, he used to call the teacher 'mum' and during recess we would give him money to dance. Then sell him sticks to get our money back. He went on to become a fitness instructor so I view gyms as kind of like those factories that provide a community service by employing people with down syndrome to lick stamps and pack boxes. Except with more Spandex obviously.

Regards, David.



From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.32am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Go **** yourself.



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 11.38am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

I was, at first, quite surprised at your response; one minute you are inviting me to renew my membership and asking me for money, the next insulting me. After doing a little research however, I have learnt that mood swings are an expected side effect of steroid abuse. As another side effect is a reduction in the size of your penis, this gives you understandable cause to be an angry person. I have also learnt that Spandex contains carcinogenic properties so this does not bode well for yourself and your shiny friends. If I woke up one morning and my penis was a quarter of the size AND I had testicular cancer, I would probably take my anger out on those around me as well. There are probably support groups or websites that could help you manage your problem more effectively and picture based books available on the subject for people with limited reading skills. When I am angry I like to Listen to music by Linkin Park. The added angst and desire to cut myself works similarly to the way firefighters fight forest fires by burning off sections, effectively canceling each other out and I find myself at peace. I understand that you guys usually listen to Pet Shop Boys or Frankie Goes to Hollywood so this may be worth a try.

Regards, David.



From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.04pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.15pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Ok.



From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.25pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Is that you being a smartarse or agreeing not to email me again?



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.32pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

The middle one.


----------



## Sir_Tokie (Jun 7, 2009)

BAD NEWS AND VERY BAD NEWS...

Doctor: "I have some bad news and some very bad news."

Patient: "Well, might as well give me the bad news first."

Doctor: "The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live."

Patient: "24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?"

Doctor: "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."


----------



## StoneyBud (Jun 7, 2009)

Speaking of Florida...

We have enough youth.

How about a fountain of Smart?


----------



## StoneyBud (Jun 7, 2009)

There are three types of people in the world.

People who can count and people who can't.


----------



## Sir_Tokie (Jun 8, 2009)

Honey I found you ball...........A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

&#8220;Well, it was like this,&#8221; said the man. &#8220;I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife&#8217;s monogram on it&#8211; stuck right in the middle of the cow&#8217;s butt.&#8221; &#8220;That&#8217;s when I made my big mistake.&#8221; &#8220;What did you do?&#8221; asks the doctor.

&#8220;Well, I lifted the cow&#8217;s tail again and yelled to my wife, &#8220;Hey, this looks like yours!&#8221; &#8220;I don&#8217;t remember much after that!&#8221;


----------



## Sir_Tokie (Jun 8, 2009)

A Random Thought: Do you ever notice that when you&#8217;re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

Another Random Thought: So if crime doesn&#8217;t pay&#8230; does that mean my job is a crime?


----------



## Sir_Tokie (Jun 8, 2009)

Worthy of Heaven......A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. &#8220;Have you ever done anything of particular merit?&#8221; St. Peter asks.

&#8220;Well, I can think of one thing,&#8221; the man offers. &#8220;Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman.

I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn&#8217;t listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker.

I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him,

&#8216;Leave her alone now or you&#8217;ll answer to me.&#8217;&#8221;

St. Peter was impressed.

&#8220;When did this happen?&#8221;

&#8220;Just a few minutes ago.&#8221;


----------



## Sir_Tokie (Jun 8, 2009)

The Birds and the Bees..........Junior asks his dad, &#8220;Daddy, how was I born?&#8221;

His dad sighs and replies, &#8220;Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway! Well, you see, your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We snuck into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button.

Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS.

Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said:

&#8220;You&#8217;ve Got Male!&#8221;


----------



## PencilHead (Jun 8, 2009)

StoneyBud said:
			
		

> Speaking of Florida...
> 
> We have enough youth.
> 
> How about a fountain of Smart?


 
Ah, Stoney, I think we're too far over the falls for that. 

Your Friend,
Lex Dislic


----------



## Dubbaman (Jun 8, 2009)

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'


----------



## HippyInEngland (Jun 11, 2009)

The  Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. 


Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? ' 


'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.' 


'What that tell you?' asked  Tonto. 


The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of  galaxies and potentially billions of Planets. Astrologically, it  tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.  What's it tell you, Tonto?' 


Tonto replied:  'You dumber than buffalo ****.  It means someone stole the tent.' 

eace:


----------



## HippyInEngland (Jun 11, 2009)

Ole, a furniture dealer from up at Brainerd MN, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find. 

After arriving in Paris he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. 

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something i n French (which Ole couldn't understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her. 

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. 

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-post er bed. To this day, Ole has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.


----------



## Dubbaman (Jun 13, 2009)

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland, near Grants Pass, OR. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract.

She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.

She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters out. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded, 'What took you so long?'

He smiled and then told her, 'Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down.'


----------



## HippyInEngland (Jun 17, 2009)

A man was helping one of his cows give birth when he noticed his wide-eyed young son standing at the fence, taking it all in. The man thought, "Great. I'm gonna have to explain the birds and bees." 

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son. Resigned to the tough task ahead, he asked, "Well, do you have any questions?"

"Just one, Dad." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"


----------



## SherwoodForest (Jun 17, 2009)

A gay penguin was driving down the road, when he heard a strange noise coming from the car. So he stops at a small town service shop and asks the mechanic to take a look at it. The mechanic says ok, but it will be a while, go ahead and check out the town for a while. So the penguin goes into the ice cream parlor and gets a nice hand scooped cone of vannila ice cream. He licks it, and it's so good, he starts eating it really fast and gets it all over his face. Well, then he decides to go back and check on his car. He asks the mechanic what was wrong with it and the mechanic says "It looks like you blew a seal" and the penguin says "No, that's just ice cream"


----------



## StoneyBud (Jun 18, 2009)

Three men walk into a hotel.

They tell the clerk they each want a room.

The clerk tells them he has only one room that is available.

The clerk tells them the room is 10 per/person, per/night.

They each give him 10 dollars to share the room that night.

The clerk takes the $30 back down to the front desk.

Later, the owner of the hotel comes in.

He says to the clerk how much did you charge for that last room we had open?

Clerk smiles, says 30 bucks

Owner says I never charge anyone more than 25 bucks for that room.

The Owner tells the clerk to go up and give them 5 dollars back.

Clerk takes five one dollar bills out of the register and starts climbing the stairs to the room.

On the way, he realizes that it'll be a hassle trying to divide 5 bucks between the three men.

The clerk puts two of the one dollar bills into his pocket and knocks on the door.

One of the three men answers the door and the clerk apologizes and says he's been instructed to give them a refund.

So, the clerk gave them the 3 dollars and left.

The men gave the clerk 30 bucks initially.

The clerk gave them each a dollar back, so they actually only paid 9 bucks apiece for the room.

3 guys, 9 dollars apiece, that's 27 bucks. The clerk kept 2 bucks. That's 29.

Where did the other buck go?


----------



## StoneyBud (Jun 18, 2009)

SherwoodForest said:
			
		

> "It looks like you blew a seal" and the penguin says "No, that's just ice cream"


Hahahahahahaha, dude! That one is SO old, and so funny, it makes me snort every time I hear it again.

Thanks!


----------



## HippyInEngland (Jun 18, 2009)

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known necking spot. 

He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. 

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.

He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. 

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the
driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"

The cop says: "What are you doing?"

The young man says: "Well Officer, I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused.. 

A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane...and nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?"

The young man says "I'm 22, sir."

The cop asks: "And her...what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies:"She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.


----------



## Dubbaman (Jun 18, 2009)

Mrs. McGervey was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father O'Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. McGervey and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. McGervey, how are ye these days?'

She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer lovin' hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'


----------



## Dubbaman (Jun 18, 2009)

StoneyBud said:
			
		

> Where did the other buck go?


Buck if i know :rofl: really its in how you look at the math on this sure they all got the buck back but the room was still 25 add the buck each that the 3 guys got back and that makes 28 the 2 the cashier pocketed and there's your 30  if you say 3x9+2 and it will come out to 27 but when you think of the room rate the change given and the tip taken being 25+3+2 there's your 30. It really kind of works just like economics doesn't it... now we all can see how the _*Man*_ does it.


----------



## BBFan (Jun 18, 2009)

Dubbaman said:
			
		

> Buck if i know :rofl: really its in how you look at the math on this sure they all got the buck back but the room was still 25 add the buck each that the 3 guys got back and that makes 28 the 2 the cashier pocketed and there's your 30  if you say 3x9+2 and it will come out to 27 but when you think of the room rate the change given and the tip taken being 25+3+2 there's your 30. It really kind of works just like economics doesn't it... now we all can see how the _*Man*_ does it.


 
It's like the old saying-
Figures lie and liars figure.


----------



## dman1234 (Jun 18, 2009)

guy walks into a library and asks for a book on suicide,
librarian says get lost you wont bring it back


----------



## Dubbaman (Jun 22, 2009)

A gentleman went to the Dentist's office to have a tooth pulled.

The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give him a shot.

"No way! No needles! I hate needles!" the man said.

The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected.

"I can't do the gas thing.  The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"

The Dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection," the man said. "I'm fine with pills."

The Dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet."

The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement,  
"WOW!  I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't," said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull your tooth."


----------



## Dubbaman (Jun 22, 2009)

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.

"You'll really love my place.

"The grass is almost a foot high"


----------



## HippyInEngland (Jun 23, 2009)

I had a mate who was suicidal. 

He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. 

He was chuffed to bits.     

~

I met a 16 year old girl on the internet. 

She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. 

She turned out to be an undercover detective. 

How cool is that at her age?!   

~

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. 

She said I had to stop masturbating.

When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!" 

~

I just saw that Harry Potter film. 

A bit unrealistic if you ask me. 

I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends? 

~

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids. 

Took her out with one punch.   

~

My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed. 

"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.

~

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. 

I said "morning." 

He replied, "No, just having a crap."   

~

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. 

How could anyone stoop so low?


----------



## Dubbaman (Jun 23, 2009)

HippyInEngland said:
			
		

> I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
> 
> How could anyone stoop so low?


:rofl:


----------



## Dubbaman (Jun 23, 2009)

Little Susie was not the best student in CatholicSchool
Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
"Tell me Susie, who created the universe?"
When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Susie.
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Susie, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.
"Jesus Christ !!!" shouted Susie.
And the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Susie fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up & shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half and shove it up your arse!" The Nun fainted.


----------



## Dubbaman (Jun 23, 2009)

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED by Tuesday,  June  30 ,  2009

NOTE:  DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS,

              CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.


Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation
     Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday, 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM.. 


Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching
About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion
     Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00, 2 hours. 


Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?  Group Debate
     Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM, 2 hours. 


Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and
Explanatory Graphics
     Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM, 3 weeks.


Class 5
Curling Irons - Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video
     Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday, 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM 


Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups
     Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM


Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum
     Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.


Class 8
Health Watch - They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
     Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM, 2 hours. 


Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right! - Real Life Testimonials
      Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined. 


Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim
Driving Simulations
     4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.


Class 11
Learning to Live - How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers
Through the Windshield
     Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined


Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself
     Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday, 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM. 


Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy - Remembering To Take a List To The Store,
Avoiding Separate Trips for Each Item Needed
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered
     Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM, 2 hours.


Class 14
The Stove/Oven - What It Is and How It Is Used
Live Demonstration
     Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.


* For those Women who are members of MP before you start with all the nasty PM's. This is only a joke and is in no way how i feel about the opposite of my sex. Oh and one last thing my wife is the one who sent it to me (thinking they are real classes) and wanted to know if she needed any of them


----------



## HippyInEngland (Jun 26, 2009)

Go get him girls 

eace:


----------



## HippyInEngland (Jun 26, 2009)

Dear Grand-daughter, 

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker .. 

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. 

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. 

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed. 

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the
light had changed. 

It  is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked,  I'd never have noticed. 

I found that lots of people love Jesus! 

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like  crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of
God!' 

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!' 

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! 

Everyone started honking! 

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
loving people. 

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! 
     ; 
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach. 

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the  air. 

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. 

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. 

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign right back. 

My grandson burst out laughing. 

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!! 

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. 

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed. 

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through  the intersection. 

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared. 

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.  Praise the Lord
for such wonderful folks!! 

Will write again soon, 

Love,  Grandma.


----------



## Dubbaman (Jun 27, 2009)

I cannot see, I cannot pee.
I cannot chew, I cannot screw.
Oh, my God, what can I do?
My memory shrinks, my hearing stinks.
No sense of smell, I look like hell.
My mood is bad--can you tell?
My body's drooping, have trouble pooping.
The golden years have come at last.
The golden years can kiss my arse!


----------



## ozzydiodude (Jun 27, 2009)

*HOUSE SEX*   When you're newly married and have sex all over the house, in every room

*BEDROOM SEX* After you,ve been married fr a while you just have sex in the bedroom

*HALL SEX* After you've been married for _*many,many years*_. you just pass each other in the hall and say," up your's"


----------



## Dubbaman (Jun 29, 2009)

A  Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,


"Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby.

"Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America "

The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops,  shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America!"

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East. I am not American."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa."

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The African lady checks her watch and says,

"Probably at work."


----------



## HippyInEngland (Jun 30, 2009)

An australian walks into a bar with 
a pet crocodile by his side. 

He puts the crocodile up on the bar.  

He turns to the astonished patrons. 
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. 

Then the croc will close his 
Mouth for one minute.   

'Then he'll open his mouth 
And I'll remove my unit unscathed. 
In return for witnessing this 
Spectacle, 
Each of you will buy me a drink.' 

The crowd murmured their approval. 
The man stood up on the bar, 
Dropped his trousers, 
And placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth. 

The croc closed his mouth 
As the crowd gasped. 
After a minute, 
The man grabbed a beer 
bottle and smacked the 
crocodile hard on the top of 
its head. 

The croc opened his mouth 
And the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. 

The crowd cheered, 
And the first of his free 
Drinks were delivered. 

The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.' 

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. 

A Blonde woman timidly 
Spoke up.......... 
'I'll try it - 
Just don't hit me so hard 
with the beer bottle!'


----------



## HippyInEngland (Jun 30, 2009)

A man got on the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. 

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"


----------



## HippyInEngland (Jun 30, 2009)

Artery                             The study of paintings 
Bacteria                           Back door to cafeteria 
Barium                             What doctors do when patients die 
Benign                             What you be, after you be eight 
Caesarean Section             A neighbourhood in Rome 
Catscan                           Searching for Kitty 
Cauterize                         Made eye contact with her 
Colic                               A sheep dog 
Coma                              A punctuation mark 
Dilate                              To live long 
Enema                             Not a friend 
Fester                             Quicker than someone else 
Fibula                              A small lie 
Impotent                          Distinguished, well known 
Labour Pain                      Getting hurt at work 
Medical Staff                    A Doctor's cane 
Morbid                             A higher offer 
Nitrates                           Cheaper than day rates 
Node                               I knew it 
Outpatient                       A person who has fainted 
Pelvis                              Second cousin to Elvis 
Post Operative                  A letter carrier 
Recovery Room                 Place to do upholstery 
Rectum                            Nearly killed him 
Secretion                         Hiding something 
Seizure                            Roman emperor 
Tablet                             A small table 
Terminal Illness                 Getting sick at the airport 
Tumour                           One plus one more 
Urine                              Opposite of you're out


----------



## StoneyBud (Jun 30, 2009)

After so much plastic surgery, they've decided to just melt Michael Jackson down and make a Lego set out of him so that the kids can play with HIM.


----------



## HippyInEngland (Jul 3, 2009)

3 sisters Ann, Jan & Fanny-all have very big feet Ann size 8, Jan size 9 & Fanny size 10.

Ann & Jan go out on a double date and 1 of the boys say "Jesus both of you have very big feet"!

Ann reply's wait 'till you see our Fanny's they're huge!!!.


----------



## Dubbaman (Jul 3, 2009)

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalists
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiation

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell ? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.


----------



## Dubbaman (Jul 3, 2009)

StoneyBud said:
			
		

> After so much plastic surgery, they've decided to just melt Michael Jackson down and make a Lego set out of him so that the kids can play with HIM.


Farrah Fawcett awoke at the pearly gates greeted by Saint Peter.

He said,"My child you have lived a pure life and are granted one wish upon entering the gates of heaven."

Farrah said," Saint Peter, i wish that all the worlds children may grow up in a safe secure world."

Saint Peter said," Wish granted." 

And then Michael Jackson was dead.


----------



## mrkingford (Jul 3, 2009)

Annual Physical
A man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical.  After a while the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live." 

"But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great.  I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true.  Isn't there anything I can do?" 

After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day." 

Excitedly Bill ask, "And that will cure me?" 

"No", Replied the doctor, "But it will get you use to the dirt!"


----------



## mrkingford (Jul 3, 2009)

The Survey
"Good afternoon madame.  My name is Walter and I am with W.O.O.P radio station, better know as WOO-P.  Perhaps you have heard about us". 

The elderly lady squinted over her glasses and in a squeaky voice slowly answered "yes I have". 

"Today I am talking to people on the street.  Do you mind if I ask you a few personal questions?  You don't have to answer if you don't want to". 

"I really don't mind" she said. 

"Would you mind telling our listening audience how old you are?" 

"I will be 97 next month". 

"My goodness that is wonderful.  How long have you been a widow?" 

"I'm not a widow young man-----". 

"You mean to tell me that your husband is still alive?" 

"He sure is". 

"How old is he?" 

"109" she answered. 

"I have also wanted to ask an older couple a very personal question but I must tell you that it is of a very delicate nature.  What our listening audience is waiting to hear is the answer to the question do you and your husband have mutual climax?" 

She thought for a moment and replied "no I think we have State Farm!!!"


----------



## mrkingford (Jul 3, 2009)

The Brain Transplant Clinic

A guy decided to go to the brain transplant clinic to refreshen his supply of brains. The secretary informed him that they had three kinds of brains available at that time. Doctors' brains were going 
for $20 per ounce and engineers' brains were getting $30 per ounce. And then there were lawyers' brains which were currently fetching $1000 per ounce. 

"A 1000 dollars an ounce!" he cried. "Why are they so expensive?" 

"Well" she explained, "It takes more lawyers to get an ounce of brains."


----------



## Dubbaman (Jul 6, 2009)

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said,
'I've got some bad news.
You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well.
In this case, things aren't well.
I have cancer.
So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber.
There were some laughs and more martinis.
They were eventually approached by
some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were
celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end,
'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty
retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS!  
Why did you do that??'

'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'


----------



## Dubbaman (Jul 6, 2009)

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I 
cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.'  
The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, 
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing 
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank 
you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his 
bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm 
doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and 
left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen 
Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the 
citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.


----------



## zipflip (Jul 6, 2009)

:rofl:


----------



## Dubbaman (Jul 7, 2009)

Sid and Al were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in Mexico?"
I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Mexican Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Mexican Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Mexican Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Mexican Jews!"


----------



## Dubbaman (Jul 9, 2009)

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to
marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children
beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous
daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his
mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.

The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you
came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for
the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can
hardly notice....pigeon-toed.."

The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls;
so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.

"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can
hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if
things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just
perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.. When the
man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest,
most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law
and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the
parents.

"Well," explained the Redneck... "She was just a weeeee bit, not that
you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her."


----------



## Dubbaman (Jul 9, 2009)

A distinguished young woman travelling to Australia asked the Priest
beside her if he could do her a favor.

 "Of course, child, what may I do for you?"

 "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electric hair dryer for my
mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits,
and I am afraid they will confiscate it.?   Is there any way you could
carry it through Customs for me?  Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."

"With an honest face like yours, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The
official asked the priest, "Father do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The officer thought this answer was strange, so he asked, "and what do
you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I  have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but
which is, to this date, unused."

 Roaring with laughter, the officer said, "Go ahead, Father.   Next!"


----------



## HippyInEngland (Jul 9, 2009)

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They managed to bag 6.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours." 

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. 

However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. 

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash. 

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?" 

Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.


----------



## HippyInEngland (Jul 9, 2009)

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.  


 He shouts 'this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!', and proceeds to 

empty the cash drawers.


As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his 

balaclava.   


The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts. 'Did 

anybody else here see my face?' 



The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes 

over and shoots him in the head also. 


'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around. 


There is silence for a few seconds before an elderly male voice is heard 

from a distant corner. 


'I think my missus caught a glimpse....'


----------



## zipflip (Jul 10, 2009)

ah man  LMAO really. that was funny HIE.
 thanks i needed a good laff .


----------



## Dubbaman (Jul 10, 2009)

Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dave headed home frustrated.

The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.

"How did you talk your missus into letting you go, Dave?"

"I didn't have to," Dave replied. "Last week when I left our meeting, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then the old lady sneaked up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'." "When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, ' Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want'... so here I am!"


----------



## Dubbaman (Jul 13, 2009)

John Smith started the day early having set his alarm  clock

(MADE IN  JAPAN  ) for 6 am.

While his coffeepot

(MADE IN CHINA )

was perking, he shaved with his

electric razor

(MADE IN HONG KONG ).

He put on a

dress shirt

(MADE IN SRI LANKA ),

designer jeans

(MADE IN SINGAPORE ),

and

tennis shoes

(MADE IN KOREA )

After cooking his breakfast in his new

electric skillet

(MADE IN INDIA )

he sat down with his

calculator

(MADE IN MEXICO )

to see how much he could spend today. After setting his

watch

(MADE IN TAIWAN )

to the radio

(MADE IN INDIA )

he got in his car

(MADE IN  GERMANY )

filled it with GAS

(from  Saudi Arabia )

and continued his search

for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.

At the end of yet another discouraging

and fruitless day

checking his

Computer

(made in MALAYSIA ),

John decided to relax for a while.

He put on his sandals

(MADE IN  BRAZIL ),

poured himself a glass of

wine

(MADE IN FRANCE )

and turned on his

TV

(MADE IN INDONESIA ),

and then wondered why he can't

find a good paying job

in AMERICA .

AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM A PRESIDENT

(MADE IN  KENYA ).


----------



## Dubbaman (Jul 14, 2009)

Alcohol  does not make you  FAT

  -  it makes you LEAN  ....  
  against  tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly  people.


----------



## SmokinMom (Jul 14, 2009)

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the
garage. 

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to
back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing a
gale, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and
discovered that the weather would be bad all day. 

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and
slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now
with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out
there is terrible.' 

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you
believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?' 

And that's how the fight started .. 

************ ********* ********* ***** 
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A
Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,
"Do you want to have sex?" 

"No," she answered. 

I then said, "Is that your final answer?" 

She didn't even look at me this time, simply
saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." 

And that's how the fight started .. 

************ ********* ********* *** 
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office
to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the
counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. 

I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my
wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I
would have to go home and come back later. 

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. 

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. 

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. 

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience at the Social Security office. 

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You
might have gotten Disability, too' 

And that's how the fight started .. 

************ ********* ********* ********* ** 
I rear-ended a car this morning. 

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the
other driver got out of his car. 

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed
and little things just seem funny? 

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it .. He was a DWARF!!! 

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and
shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' 

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then
which one are you?' 

And that's how the fight started .. 

************ ********* ********* ********* *****
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some
reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the
strip steak, medium rare, please.' 

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 

'Nah,' I said, 'she can order for herself.' 

And that's how the fight started .. 

************ ********* ********* ********* ****** 
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high
school reunion, and I kept staring at
a drunken lady swigging her drink as she
sat alone at a nearby table. 

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 

'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old
girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago
and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a
person could go on
celebrating that long?' 

And that's how the fight started .... 

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* * 
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom
mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her
husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.' 

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.' 

And that's how the fight started .......


----------



## aslan king (Jul 15, 2009)

A stoner walks into a gas station and asks the dude at the counter, "Got any weed?" The man politely replied, "Um, no sir. We do not sell marijuana here." So he left. 

The same guy comes back the next day and says, "Got any weed?" The man behind the counter, although slightly annoyed, patiently replied, "No sir. We don't sell marijuana." So the man went home. 

He goes once again to the gas station. And again, he says to the guy working there, "Got any weed?" By this time the other dude was pissed. He yells, "You freakin' refer-lovin', pot-head burn-out! I told you, we don't sell that crap here! If you ever come back in here asking for that filthy crap again, I'll nail your freaking feet to the floor. Got it? Now beat it before I call the cops." So the stoner left. 

The next day he went back to the same old place with a dopey smile on his face. He went to the cashier and said, "Got any nails?" The man hesitated, then replied, "um, no sir, we don't sell nails here." The stoner grinned. "Got any weed?"    [/LEFT]


----------



## Dubbaman (Jul 16, 2009)

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES!

Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else
to hold them while you chop.

Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about putting the toilet seat down by
using the sink.

For high blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a
few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a
timer.

A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be
afraid to cough.

You only need two tools in life, WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move
and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct
tape.

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem


----------



## HippyInEngland (Jul 17, 2009)

A Doctor in Minnesota wanted to get off work and go hunting so he approached his assistant.




"Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close  the clinic. I  want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients." 

 "Yes sir!" answers Ole... 

 The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Ole, how was your day?" 

 Ole told him that he took care of three patients.

 "The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL." 

 "Bravo,  Mate, and  the second one?" asks the doctor.

 "The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX,   sir," says Ole. 

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this. And what about the third one?' asks the doctor. 

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a  woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!" 

 " What did you do?" asks the doctor 


"I put drops in her eyes."


----------



## BBFan (Jul 17, 2009)

I think "everything"  bagels are making a lot of promises they can't keep.


----------



## Dubbaman (Jul 17, 2009)

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her.

"You'll be fine," he said.

She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again, Doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils removed."


----------



## Dubbaman (Jul 17, 2009)

Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday dear Dubba
Happy Birthday to you

May you live 100 years
May you drink a 100 beers
Get plastard you Basstard
Happy Birthday to you.


----------



## oltomnoddy (Jul 19, 2009)

Dubbaman said:
			
		

> A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her.
> "You'll be fine," he said.
> She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again, Doctor?"
> The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
> ...


----------



## daddyo (Jul 19, 2009)

three nuns walking down the street.
a man jumps out from the bushes and exposes himself.
the first nun had a stoke,
the second nun had a stroke.
the third said she wasn't going to touch it!


----------



## Dubbaman (Jul 20, 2009)

A man and his wife, moved back home to West Virginia, from Ohio. The husband had a wooden leg, and to insure it back in Ohio cost them $2000. per year!

When they arrived in West Virginia, they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said: '$39.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in West Virginia to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Ohio!

The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden stricture re, with a sprinkler system above it, is $39... You just have to know how to describe it!'


----------



## Dubbaman (Jul 20, 2009)

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad,
what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

        The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask
your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

        Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from
that.

        So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you
sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

        The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really
use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great
University!'

        The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you
sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

        The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would
sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

        The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you
sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

        'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a
million bucks would buy?'

        The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then
went back to his dad.

        His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference
between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

        The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are
sitting on three million dollars.

        But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a
homo.'


----------



## daddyo (Jul 21, 2009)

Four  Worms and a lesson to be learned



A minister decided that  a visual demonstration would 
add emphasis to his Sunday  sermon.

Four worms were placed  into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of  alcohol. 
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.  
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The  fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.  


At the conclusion of the sermon, the  Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol  - Dead.  


The  second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead  


Third  worm in chocolate syrup - Dead  


Fourth  worm in good clean soil - Alive.  

So the Minister asked  the congregation - 

What did you learn from this demonstration?  

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised  her hand and said,


'As  long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service --  :hubba:


----------



## HippyInEngland (Jul 22, 2009)

A group of male lawyers lived and died for their Saturday morning round 
of golf. One transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him. 

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. She overheard the guys talking 
about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team 
in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?" 

The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', 
but she had them on the spot. 

Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early -- 
at 6:30 am. 

He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. 

The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45." 

She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 
2-under par round. She was fun and pleasant person, and the guys were 
impressed. 

Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next 
week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45." 

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. 

The three lawyers were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par 
round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed, but wondered if she was trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. 

They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to 
be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man 
harboured a burning desire to beat her game. 

The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 
minutes late, which made the guys irritable. 

This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them. 

The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her 
part. 

However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge. 

Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman 
was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and 
finally, one of the men asked her point blank, 
"How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" 

The lady blushed, and grinned... 
"That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I 
was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. 

When I got married in college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the 
nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. 

Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed. 

The guys on the team thought this was hysterical. 

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up in the air?" 

She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."


----------



## daddyo (Jul 23, 2009)

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by
 a local liberal arts college . There was no shortage of extremely young
 idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major
 for conversation.

 'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
 something bothering you?' 'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.' The
 young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like
 you have seen a lot of action.'

 'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.' The young lady, tiring of trying to start
 up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax
 and enjoy yourself.'

 The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the
 young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but
 when was the last time you had sex?'
 '1955, ma'am.'

 'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to
 chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!'

 She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to
 'relax' him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned
 against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since
 1955.'

 The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch,
 'I hope not; it's only 2130 now
:hubba:


----------



## HippyInEngland (Jul 24, 2009)

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked,"Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular,

"Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was 
under that dog. "Please, ma'am.. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! 

Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often 
seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. 

You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong ***** out the window.


----------



## hottip (Jul 24, 2009)

Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home!
A man was found dead In his home over the weekend.
Detectives at the scene found the man face
Down in his bathtub.
The tub had been filled with milk,
sugar, and Cornflakes.

A banana was sticking out of his butt.
Police suspect a cereal killer.


----------



## oltomnoddy (Jul 26, 2009)

If you hear a "loud rumble" tonight in the sky, don't worry. It's not thunder.  
It's Elvis beatin' the crap out of Michael Jackson (again) for marrying his daughter.:hubba:


----------



## oltomnoddy (Jul 26, 2009)

[FONT=arial, helvetica, sans-serif]"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over 
twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," said TBJ, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing
the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. 
Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the
floor laughing.
Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.
"I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, 
I promise it won't happen again. Now,
tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," TBJ replied.
She ran out of the room.
[/FONT]


----------



## Dubbaman (Jul 27, 2009)

Joke Of The Day: An "OH Crap" moment


His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell
phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin
engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming Up outside a
hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the Door shut, and shouted,
'Let's go.'

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once
in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley
and make low passes so I can take Pictures of the fires on the
hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot. 'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,'
he responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment. Finally he Stammered, 'So,
what you're telling me is .... You're NOT my Flight instructor??'


----------



## cadlakmike1 (Jul 27, 2009)

Never leave a child alone with a Pit Bull.  This happened in a matter of moments...


----------



## Hick (Jul 28, 2009)

The guys were all at a deer camp.  No
    > one wanted to room with
    > Bob, because he snored so badly.  They decided it
    > wasn't fair to make one
    > of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take
    > turns. 
    >
    >
    > The first guy slept with Bob and comes to
    > breakfast the next
    > morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all
    > bloodshot.  They said,
    > "Man, what happened to you?
    > "He said,
    > "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him
    > all night."
    >

    >
    > The next night it was a different
    > guy's turn.  In the
    > morning, same thing -hair all standing up, eyes all
    > bloodshot.  They said,
    > "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He
    > said, 'Man, that Bob
    > shakes the roof with his snoring.  I watched him all
    > night. "
    >
    >
    > The third night was Fred's turn. 
    > Fred was a tanned, older
    > cowboy; a man's man..  The next morning he came to
    > breakfast bright-eyed
    > and bushy-tailed.  "Good morning!"
    > he said.  They couldn't believe it.  They
    > said, "Man, what
    > happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for
    > bed.  I went and
    > tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him
    > good night. 
    > Bob sat up and watched me all night. "


----------



## oltomnoddy (Jul 28, 2009)

How to treat a Woman:

-Wine her. 
-Dine her. 
-Call her. 
-Hold her. 
-Surprise her. 
-Compliment her. 
-Smile at her. 
-Listen to her. 
-Laugh with her. 
-Cry with her. 
-Romance her. 
-Encourage her.
-Believe in her. 
-Pray with her. 
-Pray for her. 
-Cuddle with her. 
-Shop with her.
-Give her jewelry. 
-Buy her flowers. 
-Hold her hand. 
-Write love letters to her.
-Go to the ends of the earth and back  again for her.


How to treat a Man:

-Show up naked. 
-Bring chicken wings. 
-Don't block the TV


----------



## cadlakmike1 (Jul 29, 2009)

Once upon a time a man and a woman had a son together. This son wasn't like all the other kids though, he was born without a body. No neck, no torso, no anything except a head. He went through his entire life not being able to do all the things other children got to do. On his twenty first birthday his dad decided he was going to take him out to the bar and have a beer, like a normal father-son. 

Well the father ordered a beer, said "Happy birthday son", took a sip of his beer, and then poured the other beer down his sons mouth. All of a sudden the son grew what looked like a throat!!! Shocked the father yelled, "Bartender, two more beers, quickly!". Well once again the father drank his beer, and poured the other in his sons mouth, and he grew part of a chest. "Bartender, keep them coming, fast as possible!!!". Well they drank and drank and the hours just flew by. The son grows into a specimen of a man, 40 or 50 beers later and both father and son are plastered, but all the son needs to grow is one more toe. "Bartender, two...last...beers." They give each other a big cheers, and each drink their beer. Then the son falls over dead. Alcohol poisoning. Moral of the story? He should have quit while he was ahead...


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## Time4Plan-B (Jul 29, 2009)

cadlakmike1 btw thats not a pittbull its an english bull terrier

lol

funny though

Time4Plan-B


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## HippyInEngland (Jul 30, 2009)

11 PEOPLE ... ON A ROPE 
Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.

10 men and 1 woman. 
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave,
Because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping . . .. . . . .


----------



## HippyInEngland (Jul 30, 2009)

Colin- The Aborigine



A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.  He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood. 

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. 

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and 
flirting. 

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.' 

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of 
stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. 

The water was churning and splashing everywhere.  Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell.  

Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish. 

Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool. 

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. 

The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.' 

'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin. 

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.   How about half a million bucks then?' 

'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin. 

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something.  That was amazing.   How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options? 

Again, Colin said &#8220;No..&#8221; 

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want? 

Colin said, 

"Just the b*stard who pushed me in.'


----------



## HippyInEngland (Jul 30, 2009)

Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At Others Your Own Age And Thinking, Surely 
I Can't Look That Old?

Well, You'll Love This One...

My Name Is Alice Smith And I Was Sitting In The Waiting Room For My First 
Appointment With A New Dentist.

I Noticed His Dds Diploma, Which Bore His Full Name.

Suddenly, I Remembered A Tall, Handsome, Dark-haired Boy With The Same Name Had 
Been In My High School Class Some 30-odd Years Ago.

Could He Be The Same Guy That I Had A Secret Crush On, Way Back Then? Upon Seeing 
Him, However, I Quickly Discarded Any Such Thought.

This Balding, Grey-haired Man With The Deeply Lined Face Was Way Too Old To Have 
Been My Classmate. After He Examined My Teeth, I Asked Him If He Had Attended 
Morgan Park High School .

'yes. Yes, I Did. I'm A Mustang,' He Gleamed With Pride.

'when Did You Graduate?' I Asked.

He Answered, 'in 1975. Why Do You Ask?'

'you Were In My Class!', I Exclaimed.

He Looked At Me Closely.



Then, That
Ugly,

Old,

Bald,

Wrinkled,

Fat ***,

Grey-haired,

Decrepit,

Son-of-a-beach Asked:


'what Did You Teach?


----------



## oltomnoddy (Jul 30, 2009)

*I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, the wars, lost jobs, Savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc...*​*
**I called Lifeline.*​*
Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan. 
I told them I was suicidal. 
They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...​*​​​


----------



## Dubbaman (Jul 30, 2009)

After the president has been in office for 6 months it is customary for the last president to send a note of congratulations to the new one.

So yesterday when  the note came from Bush to Obama, the president was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was: 370H-SSV-0773H.

This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged.

So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.

They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message.  They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.

Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House. They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.

Now there was complete panic in the oval office.

They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer.

A special emergency meeting was called by the staff. All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.

After a sleepless night, a now humbled President picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.

Bush  chuckled and replied: Dude .............Your holding it upside down!


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## ArtVandolay (Jul 31, 2009)

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 
'Will you marry me?'

The girl said,  'NO!'

And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went  fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons  of money in the bank and bedded lots of pretty girls and left the toilet seat up  and farted whenever he wanted.

The end.


----------



## Dubbaman (Aug 3, 2009)

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?' ' Yes '

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes , ' whispered the child, ' a policeman . '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered,

' The search team just landed a helicopter '

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

' ME . '


----------



## StoneyBud (Aug 3, 2009)

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and
would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket 
and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a
couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he
now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady
who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to
1603 Mockingbird Lane?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to
that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the
bucket. Carry the bucket  in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and
carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl
home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.
We'll be there in  no time.' 

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely
widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we 
get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, 
and have your way with me?'             

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of
paint, two chickens, and a goose.. How in the world could I possibly
hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket,
put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'


----------



## astrobud (Aug 3, 2009)

oltomnoddy said:
			
		

> *I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, the wars, lost jobs, Savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc...*​
> 
> 
> *I called Lifeline.*​
> ...


thats funny, did you just write that :rofl: ​


----------



## HippyInEngland (Aug 4, 2009)

A small zoo in West Virginia obtained a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.  Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem.  The gorilla was in heat.  To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.  Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.  Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition.  Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.  The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:

"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."

 The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition..
"Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt."

The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this."

 The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist."

Once again it was agreed.

"And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00."


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## StoneyBud (Aug 4, 2009)

A 30-year-old blonde decides to try horseback riding for the first time. 

With no lessons, nor prior experience, she mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle. 

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. 

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. 

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. 

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune..... 





Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse. 


And you thought all they did was say Hello.


----------



## IRISH (Aug 5, 2009)

barrack obama was looking for a call girl. he found three such girls at a local pub, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead.

to the blonde he said, "i am the president of the united states. how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?".

she replied, "$200".

to the brunette, he said, " i am the president of the united states. how much would it cost me to spend some time with you".

she replied, "$100".

he the asked the redhead. to which she replied,


"mr. president, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my pants down as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the price of gas, keep me warmer than it is in my apartment, and screw me the way you have done the retirees, then it is'nt going to cost you a darn cent"...


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## IRISH (Aug 5, 2009)

a young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. if he stopped, she stopped. furthermore, she kept staring at him.

she finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him , and said ," i hope i have'nt made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son".

he answered, "that's ok."

" i know it's silly, but if you'd call out goodbye mom as i leave the store, it would make me so happy."

she then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "goodbye mom."

the little old lady smiled, and waved back at him. pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

" that comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"how come so much, i only bought 5 items?"

the clerk replied, " yeah, but your mother said you'd be paying for her things too."

(can't always trust little old ladies)...


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## ArtVandolay (Aug 5, 2009)

I phoned my stockbroker and asked him what I should be buying.

He said "Canned goods and ammunition".


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## ArtVandolay (Aug 5, 2009)

*An  old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and  says, Seven Points.' *
*
His wife rolls  over and says, 'What in the *world_* was that?' *_*
The old man  replied, 'its fart football.' 

A few minutes  later his wife lets one go and *says *Touchdown, tie  score.' 

After about five  minutes the old man lets another one go and  says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.' * *

Not to be  outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 
'Touchdown, tie  score.' 

Five seconds go  by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 
'Field goal, I  lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man. 

He refuses to  get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. 
Since defeat is  totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally ... in  the bed. 

The wife says,  'What the hell was that?' *
*
The old man  says, 'Half time, switch sides.*


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## Dubbaman (Aug 5, 2009)

Win·dows

Noun.

A thirty-two bit extension and graphical shell to a sixteen-bit patch to an eight-bit operating system originally coded for a four-bit microprocessor which was written by a two-bit company that can't stand one bit of competition.


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## ArtVandolay (Aug 5, 2009)

Here's a truly heartwarming  story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some  construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a  difference when we give a child the gift of our time. 

A young family  moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up  to start building a house on the empty lot. 

The young family's  5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next  door and spent much of each day observing the workers. 

Eventually the  construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as  a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while  they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there  to make her feel important. 

At the end of the first week, they even  presented her with a pay envelope 
containing ten dollars. The little girl  took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay"  she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. 

When  the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked  the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.  The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction  crew building the new house next door to us." 

"Oh my goodness gracious,"  said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week,  too?" 

The little girl replied, "I will, if those &*^holes at Home Depot  ever deliver the %&$ sheet rock..."


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## Hick (Aug 6, 2009)

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.  The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

 After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.   I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

 Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.


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## ArtVandolay (Aug 6, 2009)




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## Dubbaman (Aug 6, 2009)




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## ArtVandolay (Aug 6, 2009)




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## Dubbaman (Aug 7, 2009)

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me20and said softly "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"   

She explained, "The egg timer's broken"


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## Hick (Aug 8, 2009)

An old Italian man lived alone in New Jersey.  He wanted to plant his
annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work and the ground
was hard.  His only son, Vincent, used to help him but was now in prison. 
The old man wrote a letter to his son bemoaning his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I
know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.


Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies were buried.
Love, Vinnie


At 4 a.m. the next morning FBI agents and local police arrived and dug
up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the
old man and left.


That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do
under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie


----------



## Dubbaman (Aug 8, 2009)

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out.

Both said they were very much in favor of it..

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic, and she was able to leave the hospital within a few hours.

When they got home they found the UPS man dead on the porch.


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## oltomnoddy (Aug 8, 2009)

As men age, we start seeing more of the medical world, which nowadays seems to include an increasing number of women as our physicians and therapists. And in my case, a new urologist.

My family doctor recently referred me to a just out of medical school female urologist. I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I must stop masturbating.
I asked her why. 
She said, "Because I'm trying to examine you..."


----------



## oltomnoddy (Aug 9, 2009)

Mary had a little pig, 
She kept it fat and plastered; 
And when the price of pork went up, 
She shot the little @$#%. 
******************** 
Mary had a little lamb. 
Her father shot it dead. 
Now it goes to school with her, 
Between two hunks of bread. 
******************** 
Jack and Jill went up the hill 
To have a little fun. 
Stupid Jill forgot the pill 
And now they have a son. 
******************** 
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair. 
Said Simple Simon to the pie man, 
'What have you got there?' 
Said the pie man unto Simon, 
'Pies, you dumb @$#%' !! 
******************** 
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, 
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. 
All the kings' horses, 
And all the kings' men. 
Had scrambled eggs, 
For breakfast again. 
******************** 
Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle, 
All over the bedside clock. 
The little dog laughed to see such fun. 
Then died of electric shock. 
******************** 
Georgie Porgy pudding and pie, 
Kissed the girls and made them cry. 
And when the boys came out to play, 
He kissed them too 'cause he was lame. 
******************** 
There was a little girl who had a little curl 
Right in the middle of her forehead. 
When she was good, she was very, very good. 
But when she was bad........ 
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.​


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## ArtVandolay (Aug 10, 2009)

Common sense - Pass or Fail?


----------



## Dubbaman (Aug 13, 2009)

A woman has identical twins and is forced to give them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, "They're identical twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."


----------



## oltomnoddy (Aug 13, 2009)

*The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question: 
"When you die and go to heaven.... which part of your body goes first?" 

Susy raised her hand and said. "I think it's your hands."** 

Why do you think it's your hands, Susy?"** 
Susy replied "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first." 

What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.** 

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet." 

**The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
Now, little Johnny why do you think it would be your feet?"** 

**Little Johnny said, "The other night Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was shouting "OH! GOD, I'M COMING!"
If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her." 

........ the nun fainted!:hubba: :holysheep: *


----------



## ArtVandolay (Aug 14, 2009)

I was looking through the Northern Tool catalog and saw this.  Now you can take your stash with you :hubba:.  









Dirty Security Underwear Safe Features:
Secret pouch with a fastener to keep your stash in place
The realistic "skid mark" will keep others from touching them.
Not even the most hardened criminals have the %&# to rile through dirty under garments.


----------



## HippyInEngland (Aug 15, 2009)

There were three little boys visiting their grandparents. 
The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, "Can you make a sound 
like a frog, Grandpappy? 
Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, "No, I don't really 
want to make the sound of a frog now."

So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, "Will
you please make a sound like a frog?" 
Grandpa again says, "No, not now.  I don't
 really want to do that.  
I'm in a grumpy mood.  Maybe later."

Then the third little boy comes out and says, "Grandpa, oh please... 
Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?"

"Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa 
asked. 

The little boy replied with a hopeful face, "Well, Mom said that when
you croak we get to go to Disney World!"


----------



## StoneyBud (Aug 15, 2009)

An Indiana farm wife called the local phone company to report her
telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few
occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the
phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this
psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his
test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the
telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and
moaning.


----------



## oltomnoddy (Aug 17, 2009)

*A little old guy is walking around in a supermarket calling out, 
Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!' *

*Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, *
*'Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 3.' *

*The old guy replies, 'Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. *
*I'm calling my wife. She's in here somewhere' *

*The clerk is astonished. *

*'Your wife's name is Crisco?' *

*The old guy answers, 'Oh no, no, no. *
*I only call her that when we're **Out in public.' *

*'I see,' said the clerk. *
*'What do you call her at home?' *

*'Lard Azz.' *


----------



## Dubbaman (Aug 17, 2009)

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall.  They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.



The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.  The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.  The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year- old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son.....'Go get your mother.'


----------



## Dubbaman (Aug 18, 2009)

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery Store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can You tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
Coupla blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get To Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't Even know the way to the Post Office."


----------



## oltomnoddy (Aug 18, 2009)

*Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, *
*Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's 'roommate', *
*Jennifer was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, *
*and this had only made her more curious.*

*Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, *
*she started to wonder if there was more between *
*Brian and Jennifer than meets the eye.*

*Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you *
*must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'*

*About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since *
*your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the *
*beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'*

*Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.*
*So he sat down and wrote:*

*___________________________________*

*Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house,
I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle.
But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian
___________________________________

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

___________________________________ 

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer.
But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

*


----------



## IRISH (Aug 19, 2009)

is it wrong to have sex before your married?

only if it makes you late for the ceremony...


----------



## IRISH (Aug 19, 2009)

how do you make $1 million in the stock market these days'?

start with $3 million...



Don't marry for money. you can borrow it more cheaply...


Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch...


----------



## IRISH (Aug 19, 2009)

how do you double the value of a GM vehicle?
fill it with gas... ...


"you used to be the life of the party in the old days", reminisced one buddy to another.
"does your wife still find you entertaining after seven years of marriage?"

"no," answered the other. "she usually does'nt catch me"...


----------



## Dubbaman (Aug 20, 2009)

One day a little girl goes up to her mom and asks her how old she is.

"That's not something adults like to tell," her mother replies.


Then the little girl asks her mother how much she weighs.


"That's not something adults like to talk about," she replies.


"How come you and daddy got a divorce?" the little girl asks.


"We don't like to talk about that either, honey." she says, ending the conversation.


The next day the little girl asks a friend about why her mother wouldn't answer any of her questions.


The friend explains, &#8221;It's an adult thing. Just look at her driver's license, it's

like a report card for adult's. It will tell you everything you need to know."


So when she got home from school she went up to her mother and said, "Mommy, I know how old you are."


"How old?" her mother asked.


"47." The little girl said, &#8221;I know how much you weigh."


"Really?"


"Yeah, you weigh 135 pounds. And I know why you and daddy got divorced."


"Okay, why is that?" her mom said.


And the little girl replied, "Because you got an F in sex!"


----------



## Hick (Aug 20, 2009)

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes.  When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'




He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.  I called him a Nazi turd.  He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn  tires. 

So my wife called him a butt-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and the car had an Obama sticker. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.


----------



## snaxforgandhi (Aug 20, 2009)

*"I think it would be a good idea..."*

Mahatma Gandhi's reply when asked what he thought of western civilization.


----------



## dopeyjo (Aug 20, 2009)

Ha Ha Ha Love All The Jokes.  Here's A Sweet Silly One From Me.

I Went To The Zoo Yesterday. All I Saw There Was A Small Dog.  It Was A Schitzu!!!!!!!
Xx


----------



## Dubbaman (Aug 20, 2009)

*not sure if ive already had this one one here or not there's too many pages to look at now  but its time for a red neck love poem.
__________________________________________________________________

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,

SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.

SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,

SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,

YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.

I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,

BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE

AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.

BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,

HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.'

YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,

AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.

BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'

I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,

JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.

MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;

YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.


----------



## HippyInEngland (Aug 21, 2009)

Wife:          'What are you doing?'   

Husband:      Nothing. 

Wife:          'Nothing...?  You've been reading our marriage   certificate for an hour.' 

Husband:       'I was looking for the expiry date.'   

------------------------------- 

Wife :       'Do you want dinner?'   

Husband:       'Sure! What are my choices?'   

Wife:          'Yes or no.'   

---------------------   

Wife:           'You always carry my photo in your wallet...  Why?' 

Hubby:           'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'   

Wife:              'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?' 

Hubby:            'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'   

--------------------------------------------------------   

Stress Reliever Girl:       'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'   

Boy:       'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'   

Girl:       'Well that's because we aren't married yet.' 

------------------------------ 

Son:       'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'   

Mom:    'Well, you have done the right thing.'   

Son:       'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'   

________________________________ 

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'   

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'   

------------------------------------------------------------   

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever. 

The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning..' 

------------------------------- 

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'   

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'     

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the 
Head with a frying pan. 
'What was that for?' the man asked. 
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on 
it that I found in your pants pocket'.. 
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name 
of the horse I bet on' 
The wife apologized and went on with the housework. 
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the 
head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. 
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. 
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'


----------



## HippyInEngland (Aug 21, 2009)

LOT'S WIFE

The Sunday School teacher was describing how  Lot 's wife looked back
and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, 'My
Mommy looked back once while she was driving,' he announced
triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!' 

GOOD SAMARITAN

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good
Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the
roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?' A thoughtful
little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.' 

DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of
fishing when he was on the  Ark ?' 'No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he,
with just two worms.' 

HIGHER POWER

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have been learning
how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a
Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?' One child blurted out,
'Aces!' 

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one
of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the
youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about
the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much
practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the
kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation,
Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the
microphone and said proudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all
I need to know." 

BEING THANKFUL

A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, 'So your mother says
your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does
she say?' The little boy replied, 'Thank God he's in bed!' 

TIME TO PRAY

A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night. 'Yes,
sir,' the boy replied. 'And, do you always say them in the morning,
too?' the pastor asked. 'No sir,' the boy replied. 'I ain't scared in
the daytime.' 

SAY A PRAYER

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his
Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food
was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started
eating right away.

'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother. 'I
don't need to,' the boy replied. 'Of course, you do,' his mother
insisted. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.' 'That's
at our house,' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house and she
knows how to cook!'


----------



## StoneyBud (Aug 21, 2009)

The AMA Weighs In 

The American Medical Association has weighed in on National Health Insurance. 

The Allergists voted to scratch it, 

but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. 

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it,

but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve. 

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.  

Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. 

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" 

while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness,

while the Radiologists could see right through it. 

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. 

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, 

and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter." 

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, 

but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. 

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, 

and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. 

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the buttholes in Washington.​


----------



## snaxforgandhi (Aug 22, 2009)

*"I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers..."* 
*Mahatma Gandhi*


----------



## mistertee (Aug 22, 2009)

a man strolls into a dentists office and claims he is a moth.the dentist tells the man that he is infact a dentist,the man replies i know.the dentist tells the man he should go and see a doctor,the man replies i know.the dentist asks why are you here then? the man replies, you had your ******* lights on.


----------



## Dubbaman (Aug 22, 2009)

Stoney that reminds me of one i got from a prof i had way back about being boss: 


 When the Body was First Made,
All Its Parts Wanted to be Boss...

THE BRAIN SAID : Since I control everything and do all the work I should be boss.

THE FEET SAID: Since I carry man where he wants to go and get him to do what the Brain wants, I should be boss.

THE HANDS SAID: Since I must do all the work and earn all the money to keep all the rest of you going, I should be boss.

THE EYES SAID: Since I must look out for all of you and tell you where danger lurks, I should be boss.

And so it went with the Heart, the Ears, and the Lungs.

Finally the arsehole spoke up and demanded that he be boss. All the other parts laughed and laughed at the idea of an arsehole being boss.

The arsehole was so angered that he blocked himself off and refused to function. Soon the Brain was feverish, the Eyes crossed and ached, the Feet were too weak to walk, the Hands hung limply at his side, the Heart and Lungs struggled to keep going.

All pleaded with the Brain to relent and let the Arsehole be boss, and so it happened. All parts did the work and the arsehole just bossed and passed out a lot of crap.

MORAL: You don't have to be a brain to be boss, just an Arsehole.


----------



## Dubbaman (Aug 23, 2009)

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station and the conversation went like this:

'Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?'

'Best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?'

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, 'Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!'

There was dead silence on the line for a moment.

Father O'Malley then replied, 'Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.'


----------



## Dubbaman (Aug 26, 2009)

The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom.

Eventually I decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We played that, Both go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to guide myself past and that's is when I realized, yup, that's a mirror I just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is me. Even cats can recognize their own image.


----------



## SkunkPatronus (Aug 26, 2009)

If you had five penis's how would your pants fit.



uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh, like a glove.


----------



## Dubbaman (Aug 27, 2009)

WOuldnt that be had to go and take a piss like that


----------



## Dubbaman (Aug 27, 2009)

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.


----------



## ArtVandolay (Aug 27, 2009)

What's brown and sticky?

...

...

...

...

...


...

...

A stick


----------



## Dubbaman (Aug 27, 2009)

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers.

  "Hello?"

  "Mrs. Sanders, please."

  "Speaking.."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory.  When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.  Frankly, either way the results are not too good."


  "What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.


  "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV.  We can't tell which is which."


  "That's dreadful!  Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.


  "Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time."

  ''Well, what am I supposed to do now? "

  "The folks at Obama health care recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."


----------



## oltomnoddy (Aug 28, 2009)

AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION​



'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'. ​


The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?' 

'Yes, Father, it is.'​


'And who was the girl you were with?'​


'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later​

so you may aswell tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'​


'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'​ 
'I'll never tell.'​ 
'Was it Nina Capelli?'​ 
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'​ 
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'​ 
'My lips are sealed.'​ 
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'​ 
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'​


The priest sighs in frustration. 
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. ​

But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'​


Joey walks back to his pew,​

and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'​


'Four months vacation and five good leads.'​


----------



## Dubbaman (Aug 29, 2009)

There were 3 men and they all died in a car crash and went to hell. When they got there the devil asked them all in turn a question. To he first he said, "What was your biggest sin on earth?" and the man replied, "Oh man I just love alcohol and being drunk." So the devil showed the man to a room full of alcohol of every type and description and he put the man inside and said, "See you in 100 years" and locked the door.

To the second man he asked the same question and the man replied, "Oh man, I just love to have sex with the ladies, I was really unfaithful to my wife." So the devil took the man and showed him to a room full of hundreds upon thousands of gorgeous and beautiful naked women. The man ran inside and the devil said, "See you in 100 years" and locked the door.

The third man's answer to the question was "Oh wow man, I just LOVE weed! Im high all the time man and I can't live without it!" The devil showed the man to a room packed with the most amazing grade-A bud you've ever seen, stacked to the roof! The man went inside and the devil locked the door after saying, "See you in 100 years."

100 years later the devil came by to let the three men out. He opened the door to the first man's room and found the man collapsed on the ground, passed out with empty bottles laying around him and puke all over him. He was a mess.

The devil opened the 2nd man's door and the man came running out of the room and cried "IM GAY! IM GAY!"

Finally the devil came to the third man's room and opened the door. Sitting in the middle of all the bud, in the exact same position the devil had left him in was the man. He looked up at the devil and with a single tear rolling down his cheek he asked, "Hey man, got a light?"


----------



## Dubbaman (Sep 1, 2009)

A young man finds the woman of his dreams and asks her to marry him. He tells his mother he wants her to meet his fiance, but he wants to make a game out of it.

He says he'll introduce his mother to three women and see if she can guess which one he wants to marry. His mother agrees to go along with the game.

That night, he shows up at his mother's house with three beautiful young ladies. They all sit down on the couch, and everyone has a wonderful evening talking and getting to know each other.

At the end of the evening, the young man asks his mother: "OK, Mom, which one is the woman I want to marry?"

Without any hesitation at all, his mother replies: "The one in the middle."

The young man is astounded. "How in the world did you figure it out?"

"Easy... I don't like her."


----------



## Dubbaman (Sep 5, 2009)

This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust.

The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.

A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word.

Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles her breasts. Still no one says a word.

Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word. Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table. They have even wilder sex.

Still no one speaks. By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.

And the father says "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"


----------



## HippyInEngland (Sep 9, 2009)

The Love Dress


A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on
the couch, totally naked.  Soft music was playing, and
the aroma of perfume filled the  room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the
daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law
explained.

"Love dress?  But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained."  It
excites him to no end.  Every time he sees me in this
dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me
for hours on end.  He can't get enough of me"

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on
her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a  romantic
CD, and laid on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home.  He walked in and saw
her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?


----------



## Dubbaman (Sep 9, 2009)

Miss Beatrice,
The church organist,
Was in her eighties
And had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness
And kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,
The young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned
With tea and scones,
They began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity
About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter.'


----------



## Dubbaman (Sep 11, 2009)

A is for Alimony ... the gift that keeps on giving.
B is for Balls ... which are now ours again.
C is for Court ... where you finally find out the meaning of a good screw.
D is for Divorce ... the alternative to ax murder.
E is for Equitable Distribution ... another oxymoron.
F is for Flatulence ... finally we can let loose without being criticized for causing the flowers to wilt.
G is for Gandhi...someone you could actually say had lost weight without having to lie.
H is for House ... which the ***** also got.
I is for Inmate ... where you also get to room with Bubba when the child support is late.
J is for Jewelry ... the former great equalizer.
K is for Kids ... the best of everything.
L is for Lawyer ... whose most recent vacation you just paid for.
M is for Mother ... and Oh what a Mother Fricker!
N is for Not tonight, I have a headache.
O is for Overdrawn ... what your checking account always was.
P is for PMS ... what we say: "No, honey, you don't look like you're retaining water." ...what we mean, "No wonder there's a citywide drought."
Q is for Quarter ... what YOU get for each dollar SHE gets.
R is for Rehearsal Dinner ... should never have stayed for dessert.
S is for Sex ... thank goodness she rolled in her sleep.
T is for Throat ... the anatomic area she goes for in the settlement.
U is for UPS ... the delivery guy you are on a first name basis with, and who spent more time at your house than you did.
V is for Visa ... one of several cards she maxed out.
W is for Wrong ... which you always were.
X is for X chromosome ... I swear some women have more than two!
Y is for Yacht ... maybe the next guy will have one.
Z is for Zirconium ... I wonder if she ever figured out that all her diamonds were Cubic Zirconium.

*EDIT* it was brought to my attention that the bad word filters are not working . To all the women of this site there is no disrespect ment to you in any way for this posting and any if not all of these can be turned toward a man when going through a breakup or divorce too. Next up the A,B,C's of ex Husbands


----------



## Dubbaman (Sep 16, 2009)

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.'

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.'

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them. The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, 'My bike..'


----------



## oltomnoddy (Sep 22, 2009)

"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says. 
Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you." 
Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." 
The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy. 
After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?" 
Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday!"


----------



## Dubbaman (Sep 23, 2009)

City of Los Angeles
High School Math Proficiency Exam 
Name:____________________
Gang:________________________ 

1. Duane has an AK47 with a 30 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive by shooting, how many drive by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload? 

2. If Jose has two ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it? 

3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day crack habit? 

4. Jarome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of Heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need? 

5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy and $100 for a 4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevy's will he have to steal to make $800? 

6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will he have left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing her since she spent his money? 

7. If the average spray paint can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint? 

8. Hector knocked up six girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?


----------



## frankcos (Sep 23, 2009)

Not sure if this has been posted but here goes..

Q.What do you do with 365 used condoms?

A.Melt them down, make a tire and call it a GOODYEAR.


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## IRISH (Sep 23, 2009)

did you hear about the coed who had two chances to get pregnant?



she blew it both times...


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## IRISH (Sep 23, 2009)

Mr King Ford. . what happens when a lawyer takes viagra?


he grows taller... ...


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## IRISH (Sep 23, 2009)

what has 75 balls, and screws old ladies?

BINGO... ...
>>>///


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## SmokinMom (Sep 23, 2009)

IRISH said:
			
		

> what has 75 balls, and screws old ladies?
> 
> BINGO... ...
> >>>///


 
Bad irish!  LMAO!

This pic always cracks me up.


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## SmokinMom (Sep 23, 2009)

And...


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## ArtVandolay (Oct 1, 2009)

*A doctor on his morning walk,  noticed an older lady with a crown sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so  he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look!  What is your secret?"* ​ ​ 
​ 
*"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said.  "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole  bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop  pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."*​ 
*"That is absolutely amazing! How old are  you?"*​ 
*"Thirty-four," she  replied.*​


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## oltomnoddy (Oct 1, 2009)

*A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs.*
*The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"*
*The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!*
*++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++*
*Two Blondes With Hammers...*
*Lynn and Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.*
*Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?' Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.' Judy got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'*
*+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++*
*Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie? They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'*
*+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++*
*You might have to think twice about this one.*
*A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off... 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.*
*'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.*
*'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'*
*'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and*
*then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants..*
*I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'*
*'So then?' asked the doctor.*
*'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.0 0 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'*
*'So then?'*
*'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.*
*++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++*
*A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.*
*So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.*
*Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.*
*The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello!*
*You need to roll up the windows first.'*
*+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++*
*A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. *
*She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.*
*The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos...... It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'*
*'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.*
*Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?*
*'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot and cold things Cold,' she replied..*
*Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'*
*The blond replied..... ...'Two popsicles and some coffee.'*
*++++++++++++*
*AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST*
*A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.*
*Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'*
*The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.'*
*The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.'*
*'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.'*
*The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.*
*'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.*
*'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too! *

:hubba:​


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## Dubbaman (Oct 5, 2009)

frankcos said:
			
		

> Not sure if this has been posted but here goes..
> 
> Q.What do you do with 365 used condoms?
> 
> A.Melt them down, make a tire and call it a GOODYEAR.


 But what is there to do with 366 used profolactic's??

 The same thing but call it a LEAPYEAR :rofl:


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## Dubbaman (Oct 5, 2009)

Police have confiscated approximately 6700 marijuana plants that were growing on land that was a part of a Girl Scout Summer Camp. As a result, prices for the popular Girl Scout Mintijuana Cookies are expected to triple next year.


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## TexasMonster (Oct 5, 2009)

Little Johnny is sitting on a curb with a cup and a spoon. Behind him is a pharmacy. Along comes the pharmacist. He sees Little Johnny sitting there on the curb with his spoon and cup and sees Little Johnny is steady stirring. He looks at Little Johnny and says "Hey Little Johnny, what do you have there?" Little Johnny looks at him and says "Chicken **** and water." The Pharmacist then ask Little Johnny "whatcha gonna make?" Little Johnny says "I think I am going to me a pharmacist" Well this makes the Pharmacist angry and he opens up his store for business and goes inside to run the store.

Along comes the Mailman. He looks and sees Little Johnny and says to Little Johnny "Whatcha got Little Johnny?" Little Johnny looks up at him and says "Chicken **** and water". The Mailman then ask Little Johnny "Whatcha gonna make Little Johnny?" Little Johnny looks up at the Mailman and says "I think I am going to make a Mailman". Well this pisses the Mailman off and he goes inside the pharmacy to deliver the mail.

Along comes a Correctional Officer who notices Little Johnny. The Correctional Office is used to seeing weird stuff so he goes right on by Little Johnny into the store to shop for his daily supply of vaginal cream. While looking for his vaginal cream he overhears the Pharmacist and the Mailman talking about what a jerk Little Johnny is. The Correctional Officer says to himself that he will go outside and fix Little Johnny for good. So he goes outside and says "Little Johnny, what in the heck do you think you have there?" Little Johnny looks up at the Correctional Officer timidly and says "Chicken **** and water". Then the Correctional Officer says to Little Johnny "I suppose your are going to tell me you are going to make a Correctional Officer?" Little Johnny looks him dead in the eys and says "Nope, I aint got enough Chicken ****"


*not part of the joke*. Do not tell this joke to a correctional officer in front of the rest of the inmates. That joke cost me 15 days extra in the hole for telling it to a Captain when he came into our bull pen.


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## Dubbaman (Oct 6, 2009)

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live. Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love. 
About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?' Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. 

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.' 

She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep. 

Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. 

'Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could...' 

At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough. I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'


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## HippyInEngland (Oct 6, 2009)

The Pope and Nancy Grace were on the same stage in front of a giant crowd. 

The Pope leaned over to Nancy Grace and said "Nancy, with one little wave of my hand, I can make every person in this huge crowd go wild with joy.  

This joy will not just be a momentary display -- it will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and they'll rejoice to the heavens." 

Nancy Grace said, "Well Pope, I seriously doubt that.  

Show me." 

So the Pope slapped her.


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## TexasMonster (Oct 6, 2009)

HippyInEngland said:
			
		

> The Pope and Nancy Grace were on the same stage in front of a giant crowd.
> 
> The Pope leaned over to Nancy Grace and said "Nancy, with one little wave of my hand, I can make every person in this huge crowd go wild with joy.
> 
> ...


 
Now thats funny right there.


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## Dubbaman (Oct 7, 2009)

hxxp://www.break.com/index/he-puts-it-in-the-wrong-hole.html

We know the routine change the x's to t's after you copy and paste 

*EDIT* if you have delicate sensibilities or don't enjoy sex humor jokes/videos don't copy the link there is nothing explicit about the vid i just thought it was funny


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## outdoorsman101 (Oct 7, 2009)

hahaha right in the pooper!


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## HippyInEngland (Oct 8, 2009)

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: &#8220;Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.&#8221; The man then replies: &#8220;Yeah, well we were married 35 years.&#8221;


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## HippyInEngland (Oct 8, 2009)

TAXI  FARE


One rainy spring night in Belfast , a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley.

Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.

Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

'"Where to?" he stammered.

" Vale Road ," answered the woman. 

"OK," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at?'" 

"Well lady, replied the driver, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does THIS answer your question?" 

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"


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## Dubbaman (Oct 9, 2009)

Nuff Said


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## HippyInEngland (Oct 9, 2009)

A woman goes to her doctor for her annual checkup. 
The nurse starts with certain basic items.   
How much do you weigh?' she asks. 'Eight and a half stone,' the woman says.   
The nurse puts her on the scales and her weight is actually ten stone. 
The nurse asks, 'Your height?' '5 foot 8 !!!', she says. The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5'.   
She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman that it is very high. 
'Of course it's HIGH !!!' the woman screams,  'When I came in here I was tall and slender .... Now I'm short and fat !!!'


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## oltomnoddy (Oct 11, 2009)

When bananas go bad.


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## oltomnoddy (Oct 11, 2009)

*Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they *
*talk about their moonshine operation.*
*Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to *
*cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in*
*real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,*
*'Kin ya swallar?'*
*The woman shakes her head no.*
*Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'*
*The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.*
*The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her *
*drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.*
*The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction *
*flies out of her mouth.*
*As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his *
*table.*
*His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' *
*but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'   :hubba: *


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## Dubbaman (Oct 13, 2009)

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'

The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.'


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## HippyInEngland (Oct 15, 2009)

THE OLD MOTOR

The marriage of an 80-year-old man and a 20-year-old woman was the talk of the town.

After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child. The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" The old man grinned and said, "You got to keep the old motor running."

The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She said, "Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?" The old man grinned and said, "You gotta keep the old motor running."

A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also and after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, "Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?" The old man replied, "It's like I've told you before, you got to keep the old motor running."

The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: "Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black...........


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## Dubbaman (Oct 15, 2009)

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.  After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. 
      'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.' 

      'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. 

      Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

      But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. 

      He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

      'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.

      'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?' 

      'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.' 

      'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

      Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?' 

      'She just died and left me everything.'


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## Dubbaman (Oct 16, 2009)

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.  The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... 'Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.'


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## oltomnoddy (Oct 25, 2009)

Miss Beatrice, The church organist, Was in her eighties And had never been married. 
She was admired for her sweetness And kindness to all. 
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. 
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.... 
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. 
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a
condom! 
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. 
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its 
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer 
resist. 
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' 
Pointing to the bowl. 
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? 
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. 
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent 
the spread of disease.. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.:hubba:


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## Dubbaman (Oct 27, 2009)

10. You get winded from knocking on the door. 

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you. 

8. You ask for high fiber candy only. 

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over. 

6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask. 

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest. 

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders. 

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece. 

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker. 

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.


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## Dubbaman (Oct 27, 2009)

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's Round Table was Sir  Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

        2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

        3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

        4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

        5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind  in his work.

        6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

        7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

        8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

        9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

        10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

        11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

        12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

        13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here, I'll go on a head."

        14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

        15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, "Keep off the Grass."

        16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.  When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said,  "No change yet."

        17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

        19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

        20. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

        21 A backward poet writes inverse.

        22. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

        23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

        24. Don't join any dangerous cults, practice safe sects!


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## oltomnoddy (Oct 28, 2009)

Yesterday was History.
Tomorrow is a Mystery.
Today is a Gift, 
that's why they call it "The Present".
(Kung-Fu Panda)​


----------



## Dubbaman (Oct 30, 2009)

A little kid walks into a city bus for a Halloween night and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling: ''If my dad was a ghost and my mom a ghost, I'd be a little ghost.'' 
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an dracula and my mom a dracula, I would be a little dracula.'' 

The kid goes on with a devil, witch, demon until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!'' 

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''


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## HippyInEngland (Oct 30, 2009)

The Power of the Badge..... 



DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location. 


The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister,  I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."  Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.  "See this badge?  This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.  No questions asked or answers given.  Have I made myself clear?  Do you understand? " 


The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores. 


A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... 




With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored  before he reaches safety.  The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs..... 


" Your badge.. Show him your BADGE ! "


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## tcbud (Oct 30, 2009)

Good one HIE!


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## Dubbaman (Oct 31, 2009)

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note: 
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate. 

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co. 

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says: 

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's costume.. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part. 

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co. 

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads: 

Dear Sir,
We have TRIED our very BEST. Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a caramel apple. 

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.


----------



## Dubbaman (Nov 2, 2009)

George Phillips, age 82, of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to 
bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden  
shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.  George opened the 
back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in 
the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked, 'Is someone in your house?'

He said, 'No.'

Then they said, 'All patrols are busy.  You should lock your doors 
and an officer will be along when one is available.'

George said, 'Okay'.  He hung up the phone and counted to 30.  Then 
he phoned the police again.  'Hello, I just called you a few seconds 
ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them.' and
hung up..

Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips'residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, 'I thought you said that you shot them!'

George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'


----------



## Dubbaman (Nov 3, 2009)

The other day, I needed to go to the emergency room.
Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a patch onto the front of my shirt that I had downloaded off the Internet. 
When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left.  I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all.  Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time. 
Here's the patch.  Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.

It also works at DMV and the Laundromat. 
Don't try it at McDonald's, the whole crew will exit and you'll never get your order.


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## oltomnoddy (Nov 3, 2009)

John was in the fertilized egg business.​


He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' 
and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. 
He kept records, and any rooster not performing 
went into the soup pot and was replaced. 
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells 
and attached them to his roosters. 
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, 
which rooster was performing. 
Now, he could sit on the porch And fill out an efficiency report 
by just listening to the bells.​ 
John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, 
but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! 
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing 
pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, 
could run for cover.​ 
To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't
ring. 
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. 
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair 
and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. 
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize​ 
but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. 
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. 
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly
coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the 
populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.​ 
Vote carefully, 
the bells are not always audible.​


----------



## oltomnoddy (Nov 3, 2009)

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for  the baby's first exam. 

 The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed? 'Breast-fed, she replied. 'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her 
nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.  Motioning for her to get dressed,  the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight.  You don't have any milk.' 

'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.' :hubba:


----------



## Dubbaman (Nov 4, 2009)

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom. 
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. 

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!' 

'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom. 

'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'


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## Dubbaman (Nov 5, 2009)

A friend of mine and i are on a kick to think up all the bad jokes we knew when we were kids and recently put this list togother and sent it off on a journy around the net. If you have one to add to the list jsut post it and we will get it 

A little known fact of the 80s was that Michael Jackson and Boy George had an unreleased duet. It was called "I'll Beat It For Ya". 

Q: What's worse than sweat on Olivia Newton John?
A: Come On Eileen. 

Q: What were the last words said on the space shuttle Challenger?
A: No, a Bud Light! 

Q: Whats the difference between Samantha Fox and the Eiffel Tower?
A: More men have been up Samantha Fox than the Eiffel Tower. 

Q: Did you know Vic Morrow had dandruff?
A: They found his Head and Shoulders in the bushes. 

Did you know they made Vic Morrow an honorary member of the Rotary Club? 

Q: Why didn't Natalie Wood take a shower on the boat?
A: She wanted to wash up on shore. 

Q: How long did Lionel Ritchie sit on the toilet?
A: All Night Long! 

Q: How many astronauts can you fit inside a car?
A: Twelve. Two in front, three in back and seven in the ash tray. 

Q: What happened when Michael Jackson invited Billy Squier and KISS to a party?
A: Billy Squier stroked it, Michael Jackson beat it, and KISS licked it up. 

Q: Where did the cantaloupe take his vacation?
A: John Cougar's Melon Camp 

Q: Why is a Yugo like a Bic lighter?
A: You use it 'til it runs out of gas, then throw it away." 

Q: Why did Cyndi Lauper set her bed on fire?
A: Because it was fun. 

Q: What do you call a Yugo with no wheels?
A: A no-go. 

Q: Why did N.A.S.A. get Pepsi to sponser the Space Shuttle?
A: Because they could not get 7-Up (Seven Up)? 

Q: What is the difference Michael Jackson and Richard Pryor?
A: Michael Jackson was burned using Pepsi and Richard Pryor was burned using Coke. 

Q: What do you call a Yugo at the top of a hill?
A: A miracle. 

Q: Why did the Valley Girl take two birth control pills?
A: To be fer sure, fer sure. 

Q: What were Christa McAuliffe's last words?
A: What's this button for? 

Hear about the new band featuring Ronald Regan and Milli Vanilli? They don't remember any of the songs they didn't sing. 

Q: What does NASA stand for?
A: Need Another Seven Astronauts. 

Q: How many letters are in the alphabet?
A: 22, cuz E.T. went home and somebody shot J.R. 

Q: How are Madonna's knees like the Beatles?
A: They'll never get back together. 

Q: What is Ronald Reagan's favorite pick-up line at a bar?
A: Do I come here often? 

Q: What did Marvin Gaye's father say to him before he shot him?
A: This is the last 45 you'll ever hear


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## Dubbaman (Nov 9, 2009)

I think hes trying to give me a message, i seen man woman indian elephant. Translated it says when man sees woman the indian gets big trunk


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## oltomnoddy (Nov 12, 2009)

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says. 
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.' 
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. 
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!' 
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher. 
'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Sh*t!', the Rottweiler ate her! 
The teacher had to leave the room.


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## Dubbaman (Nov 16, 2009)

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. 
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, 'So, you finish?' 

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, 'No.' 

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. 

The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, 'You finish?' 

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, 'No.' 

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, 'You finish?' 

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, 'No, I Norwegian'.


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## Dubbaman (Nov 20, 2009)

While discussing the upcoming Universal Health Care Program with my sister-in-law the other day, I think we have found the solution. I am sure you have heard the ideas that if you're a senior you need to suck it up and give up the idea that you need any health care. A new hip? Unheard of. We simply can't afford to take care of you anymore. You don't need any medications for your high blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, etc... Let's take care of the young people. After all, they will be ruling the world very soon. 

So here is the solution. When you turn 70, you get a gun and 3 bullets. You are allowed to shoot one senator and 2 representatives. Of course, you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head and all the health care you need! New teeth, great! Need glasses, no problem! New hip, knee, kidney, lung, heart? Well bring it on. And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. And, since you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income tax.


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## Dubbaman (Nov 21, 2009)

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" 
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot." 

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" 

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird." 

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" 

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers." 

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?" 

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion." 

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that." 

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!" 

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. 

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman." 

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy. 

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie." 

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?" 

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot. 

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?" 

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...." 

Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?" 

"Damned if I know. I fell off my perch!"


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## oltomnoddy (Nov 22, 2009)

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, 

still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. 

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. 

"Nurse," he mumbles, from behind the mask "Are my testicles black?" 

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash 

your upper body" He struggles to ask again. 

Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry 

about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and 

sheepishly pulls back the covers. 

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, 

lifting and moving them around and around gently. 

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, 

there's nothing wrong with them, Sir.' 

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 

'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely..... 

" Are - my - test - results -back ?"


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## ArtVandolay (Nov 22, 2009)

I expect you guys to use at least a couple of these! :hubba:

1.  Talk about a huge breast!​
​
2.  Tying the legs  together keeps the inside moist.​
​
3.  It's Cool Whip  time!​
​
4.  If I don't undo  my pants, I'll burst!​
​
5.  Whew, that's one  terrific spread!​
​
6.  I'm in the mood  for a little dark meat.​
​
7.  Are you ready for  seconds yet?​
​
8.  It's a little  dry, do you still want to eat it?

9.  Just wait your turn, you'll get  some!​
​
10.  Don't play with  your meat.

11.  Just spread the legs open and stuff  it in.​
​
12.  Do you think  you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13.  I didn't expect  everyone to come at once!​
​
14.  You still have a  little bit on your chin.

15.  How long will it take after you stick  it in?​
​
16.  You'll know it's  ready when it pops up.

17.  Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of  that!​
​
18.  That's the  biggest one I've ever seen!

19.  How long do I beat it before  it's ready?​


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## Dubbaman (Nov 23, 2009)

Eddie in Dallas calls his son in New York just before Thanksgiving and tells him, 'I am sorry to tell you but your mother and I are going to divorcing. I just cannot take any more of her bitching. We can't stand the sight of each other any more. I am telling first, Eddie, because you are the eldest, please tell your sister.' 
When Eddie calls his sister Julie, she says, 'No way are they getting divorced, I will go over and see them for Thanksgiving.' 

Julie phones here parents and tells them both 'You must NOT get divorced. Promise you won't do anything until I get over there. I'm calling Eddie, and we'll both be there with you tomorrow. Until then, don't take any action, please listen to me', and hangs up. 

The father puts down the phone and turns to his wife and says. 'Good news' he says, 'Eddie and Julie are coming for Thanksgiving and they are both paying their own way!'


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## Dubbaman (Nov 25, 2009)

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects: 
1. A Bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whiskey.
4. A Playboy magazine. 

'I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up." 

"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! 

"If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. 

"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be! 

"And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer." 

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed,and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. 

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink,while he admired the magazine's centerfold. 

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for Congress."


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## Dubbaman (Nov 27, 2009)

I got this new deodorant today. 

The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom. 

I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells awesome.


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## ArtVandolay (Nov 27, 2009)

*Three  men died  on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at  the pearly  gates.**

 'In honor of this holy season'  Saint Peter said,   'You must each possess something  that symbolizes Christmas to get into  heaven.'

 The  first man fumbled through his pockets and  pulled out a  lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he   said.

 'You may pass through the pearly  gates' Saint Peter  said.

 The  second man reached into his pocket and pulled  out a set of  keys. He shook them and said, 'They're   bells.'

 Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the  pearly  gates'.

 The third man started searching  desperately through  his pockets and finally pulled  out a pair of women's  panties.

 St. Peter looked at  the man with a raised eyebrow  and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

 The man  replied, 'These are  Carols.'

And  So The Christmas Season  Begins*


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## HippyInEngland (Nov 28, 2009)

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. 
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave,! using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview. 
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name? 
"Morris Fishbien," he replied. 
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?" 
"For about 60 years." 
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" 
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims." 
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. " 
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man." 
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" 


"Like I'm talking to a brick wall!"


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## Dubbaman (Nov 30, 2009)

So, the customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?" The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?" The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?  
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?  
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?  
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?'  
If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"  
The clerk says, "Well, no, I probably wouldn't!"  
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?" 
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."


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## HippyInEngland (Dec 1, 2009)

A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?' 

He declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.'

At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. 'A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?'

He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.'

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat.

'Would you like a juicy rib-eye steak and scrumptious apple  pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?'

He declines again. 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra... I'm still not hungry.'

'Well,' she says, 'Would you mind getting off me . I'm  starving!


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## HippyInEngland (Dec 1, 2009)

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Pittsburgh. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" 

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It's Jim, who asks Bud, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?" 

Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?" 

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?" 

Bud says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff--no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often." 

"Yeah, well there's just one thing." 

"What's that?" 

"Have you farted yet?" 

"No " 

"Well, DON'T! I'm in Denver."


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## Dubbaman (Dec 3, 2009)

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. This will only become more commonplace as the holidays approach. 
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowes, Home Depot, or Costco customers. This one caught me by surprise. 

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. 

Here's how the scam works: 

Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds. 

You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. 

I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also October 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 28th, and three times last Monday, and most likely again this upcoming weekend. 

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us men. Warn your friends to be vigilant. 

Thanks,
Bill 

P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K-Mart, but already bought them out.


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## IRISH (Dec 3, 2009)

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^:rofl: :laugh: :clap: :headbang2: :banana: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

going to buy a new wallet meself Dubb!!!  ...



>why do women have smaller feet than men???
it's one of those 'evolutionary things', that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink...


>> if your dog is barking at the back door, and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first???
the dog, of course. he'll shut up once you let him in...lol...


>>>Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a womans sex drive by 90%.
it's called Wedding Cake...


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## IRISH (Dec 3, 2009)

"Late again", the third grade teacher said to little Sammy. 

"it ain't my fault this time , Mrs. Crabtree. you can blame this'un on my daddy. the reason i'm three hours late is, my daddy sleeps naked".

now Mrs. Crabtree taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd-years. despite her mounting fears, she asked little Sammy what he meant by that.

full of grins, and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy, and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth.

"you see Mrs. Crabtree, out at the ranch we got this here low-down coyote. the last few nights, he done ate 6 hens, and killed Ma's best milk goat. last night when daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his shotgun, and said to Ma, "that coyote is back again, i'm gonna get him".

"stay back", he whispered to all us kids.

"he was naked as a jay-bird. no boots. no pants. no shirt! to the hen house he crawled, just like an injun on the snoop. then, he stuck that double barreled twelve guage through the window of the coop".

"as he stared into the darkness with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog, Zeke, had done woke up, and comes sneaking up behind daddy. then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, 'ol Zeke stuck his cold nose in daddys crack".

"Mrs. Crabtree, we all been cleaning chickens since three 'o clock this morning"...


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## Dubbaman (Dec 4, 2009)

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup or brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila 


Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl,
check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality,
pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter
in a large fluffy bowl. 


Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point
it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try another
cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup
of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.

Mix on the turner. 


If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry
it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves
a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain
your nuts.

Add one table..

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can
find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall
over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner. 


Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the
Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.
Cherry Mistmas !


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## HippyInEngland (Dec 9, 2009)

How marriage works!

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.
The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife,
'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, honey bunch?'
asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face.  I'm going to have a beer.'

The wife said,
'You want a beer, my love?'
She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop... but at the bar... you know... they have frozen glasses...'

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by
saying, 'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?'

She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres:
chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey... At the bar..... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, Dickhead? 

Drink your f***ing beer in your Goddamn
frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere!   

Got it, A**hole?'

So he stayed home............ and, they lived happily ever after.


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## fruity86 (Dec 9, 2009)

HippyInEngland said:
			
		

> How marriage works!
> 
> A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.
> The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
> ...



great HIE that sound like my partner and we ar'nt even married yet :rofl:


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## HippyInEngland (Dec 12, 2009)

Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling, take celibacy.

This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Tony and Julie listened to the instructor declare 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'

He addressed the men. 

'Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?' 

Tony leaned over, touched Julie's arm gently and whispered.

'Self-raising, isn't it?'

Thus began Tony's life of celibacy.


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## Dubbaman (Dec 16, 2009)

On his 78th birthday, a native man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to the medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. 
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his gift certificate to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion; handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say, '1-2-3'. When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want!" 

The elderly man was encouraged. As he walks away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" 

"Your partner must say, '1-2-3-4'," the medicine man responded, "...but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." 

He was very eager to see if it worked. When he got home, he showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men! 

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes... and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?" 

...and that, ladies, is why we should never ever end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.


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## HippyInEngland (Dec 16, 2009)

THE GUNFIGHTER 

A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.   

The  cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot...   

'Could you give me some tips?' he asked.   

The old man  said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high -  tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.' 

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'   

'Sure will ' 

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.   

'That's terrific!' said the cowboy .  'Got any more tips?' 

'Yep,' said the old man.  'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it -  that'll give you a smoother draw' 

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.   

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.   

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.   

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here.  Got any more tips?' 

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon.  'See that axle grease over there?  Coat your gun with it.' 

The young man  smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.   

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.' 

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.   

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up right up your arse, and it won't hurt as much'.


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## painterdude (Dec 17, 2009)

A blond and a redhead are sipping wine while enjoying the view at midnight from atop a New York skyscraper....

The redhead asks the blond, Which is closer, the moon or Miami, Florida?

Da, says the blond, I can see the moon!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Dubbaman (Dec 19, 2009)

All i could come up with for this X-Mas was a short list of one liners.


1. A Jewish Santa Claus came down the chimney and said: Anyone want to buy a present? 

2. Hear about Santa and his reindeer landing on top of an outhouse? Santa looked around for a moment, then hollered No no, Rudolph! I said the SCHMIDT house! 

3. I hope Santa brings me that mistletoe belt I asked for! 

4. When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas. 

5. No one in the history of the world has ever purchased a fruitcake for themselves. 

6. No parent in their right mind would give a 6-year-old a drum set, therefore Santa exists!! 

7. The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesnt believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus. 

8. Q: Do you know why Santa dosent have any children ??? A: he only comes once a year and thats down a chimney... 

9. Why is Santa Claus always so happy? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live. 

10. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic. 

11. Why was Santas little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem. 

12. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.


----------



## cRashamsterdam (Dec 19, 2009)

HAHA that's great


----------



## ArtVandolay (Dec 20, 2009)

*There  was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all
the  mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a  shaky handwriting to God with no
actual address. He thought he should open it  to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am  an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone  stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money
I had until my  next pension payment.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of  my friends over for
dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food  with, have no family
to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please  help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed  the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and  came up with a few dollars.


By the time he made the rounds, he had  collected $96, which they put into an
envelope and sent to the woman.  


The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of  Edna and
the dinner she would be able to share with her  friends.

Christmas came and went. 

A few days later, another  letter came from the same old lady to God. 


All the workers gathered  around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How  can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? 

Because of your  gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my
friends. We had a  very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful
gift.

By the  way, there was $4 missing. 

I think it might have been those ******** at  the post office.

Sincerely, Edna  *


----------



## Dubbaman (Dec 28, 2009)

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside. As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER : $2.00
HAMBURGER : $2.25
CHEESEBURGER : $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB : $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers. She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she enquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs, "Why yes, yes, I sure am!"

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger."


----------



## Cowboy (Dec 30, 2009)

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers; 'Sure, Why not?' 

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

! The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government', says Bud.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.', answered the cowboy . 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. .. . .Now give me back my dog.


----------



## Cowboy (Dec 30, 2009)

:holysheep: 
Photo on the Night Stand

After a long night of making love,
the guy notices a photo of another man,
 on the woman's night stand by the bed.
He begins to worry.
'Is this your husband?'
he nervously asks.

'No, silly,'
she replies, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend, then?'
he continues.
'No, not at all,'
she says, nibbling away at his ear.

'Is it your dad or your brother?'
he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!'
she answers.

'Well, who in the hell is he, then?'
he demands.

She whispers in his ear
'That's me before the surgery.'


----------



## HippyInEngland (Jan 2, 2010)

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. 

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. 

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. 

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. 

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honour their secret. 

After all, this was a very delicate matter. 

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. 

He looked more handsome than he ever had before! 

All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!  

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. 

He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'

'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'


----------



## HippyInEngland (Jan 2, 2010)

A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday.

He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?' She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'

'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.' 'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'

'But, where did you get the tools?'

'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools
to make the hardware..'

The guy is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at Â a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'

'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave?


There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet.'

No longer questioning anything, the man goes to the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely.

There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes..

He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....




Bloody hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports as well !


----------



## oltomnoddy (Jan 5, 2010)

I'd have her feet pointed towards the sky.  :hubba:


----------



## Dubbaman (Jan 7, 2010)

One winter morning a husband and wife in northern Minnesota were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer Say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplows can get through."

So the good wife went out and moved her car... A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so The snowplows can get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." Then the electric power went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."


----------



## Dubbaman (Jan 7, 2010)

Five rules for men to follow for a happy life:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to
time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to
you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with
you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women not know each other...

Signed



Tiger Woods


----------



## HippyInEngland (Jan 8, 2010)

A papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole, all live together in a little mole hole.

One day, papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said, 'Yum! I smell maple syrup!'

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said, 'Oh, Yum! I smell honey!'

Now baby mole is trying to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way.

This makes him whine, 'Geez, all I can smell is....

MOLASSES !


----------



## ArtVandolay (Jan 14, 2010)

Did you hear about the two blondes that froze to death at the drive-in?

They went to see Closed for the Winter.


----------



## HippyInEngland (Jan 15, 2010)

Glasgow Wedding

Two Glasgow young men, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub
discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.

"Ach, it's all going like magic," says Jock.
"I've got everything organized already - the flowers, the
Church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma
stag night...."

Archie nods approvingly. "Man, I've even bought a kilt to be married
in!" continues Jock.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's great  , you'll look pure smart
in that!    And what's the tartan?"

"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white."


----------



## wmmeyer (Jan 15, 2010)

A passenger plane crashes in the ocean.  The survivors washed up on a deserted island.  There were only 3, all women, and of course, a blond, a brunette, and a redhead.  They were walking along the shore one day, and found the typical magic bottle with a genie inside.  They opened the bottle and the genie told them "Normally I grant three wished under these circumstances, but since there are three of you, I'll give each of you one wish."  

They all think about it for awhile, and the brunette decides to go first.  She says "I wish my boyfriend would drive up, pick me up and drive me home."  The genie nods his head, and off in the distance, they could see a bridge magically forming over the ocean.  The girl's boyfriend drives up in his shiny Mustang, plants a big kiss on her, and zooms off back over the bridge.

The redhead says "I wish a knight in shining armor would come and get me and take me home."  The genie nods his head, there is a clap of thunder, and a knight in shining armor riding a huge white horse descends out of the clouds.  He reaches down, pulls the redhead up in the saddle behind him, and the horse takes them back into the clouds.

The genie looks at the blond and says "OK, you're up."  The blond has been watching all this, and is almost speechless.  Finally she claps her hands and says "Oh, this is all so exciting.  I'm so happy.  I wish my friends were here."


----------



## Cowboy (Jan 19, 2010)

1. Stay Out of Trouble.





2. Aim For Greater Heights.




3. Stay Focused On The Job.




4. Exercise To Maintain Good Health.




5. Practice Team Work.




6. Rely on your trusted partner to watch your back. Take your time trusting others.




7. Save for rainy days.




8. Rest and relax.




9.  Always take time to smile.




*AND*

10. Realize that nothing is impossible.


----------



## HippyInEngland (Jan 20, 2010)

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall for the first time.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?' 


The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have
never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. 

The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. 

They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to
his son.....

'Go get your mother.'


----------



## oltomnoddy (Feb 3, 2010)

Nothing funny in the last 4 days?


----------



## diablo_cannabis (Feb 3, 2010)

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas and
talked with an old rancher. He told the
rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for
illegally grown drugs." The rancher said,
"Okay, but do not go in that field over there,"
as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying,
"Mister, I have the authority of the Federal
Government with me." Reaching into his rear
pant's pocket, he removed his badge and proudly
displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?
This badge means  I am allowed to go wherever I
wish . . . On any land. No questions asked or
answered. Have I made myself clear?  Do you
understand?"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and
went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud
screams and saw the DEA officer running for his
life chased by the rancher's big Santa
Gertrudis bull.

With  every step the bull was gaining
ground on the officer and it  seemed
likely that he would be gored before he
reached safety. The officer was clearly
terrified. The rancher threw down his
tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the
top of his lungs. .  ."Your badge. Show him your BADGE!"


----------



## diablo_cannabis (Feb 3, 2010)

PONDERISMS

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people
die of natural causes.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks
about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle


----------



## HippyInEngland (Feb 18, 2010)

A Londoner parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. 

As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught, the Londoner grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. 

'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Londoners are,' he
Says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'

The Londoner looks down in horror. 

'FREAKING HELL!' he screams........'Where's my Rolex????...  .


----------



## ozzydiodude (Feb 18, 2010)

The Blonde And The Farmer

The old farmer was having a pretty bad year. All of his crops had been lost. Fortunately, the peach orchard had done really well. The only way he was going to make it financially was to cut out the middleman and sell the peaches directly to the consumer. So he loaded his pickup with peaches and headed to town.

Just on the outskirts of town he came to a house. So he took a basket of peaches and went up and knocked on the door. A gorgeous blonde in a sheer robe answered the door. In a sexy voice she said, "Hi, Honey, what can I do for you?"

Quite shaken, the old farmer muttered, "I have these here really nice peaches for sale."

The blonde, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit. So she opened the top of her robe showing her breasts. She said, "Are those peaches full and firm like these?"

Very shaken, he managed to whisper, "Oh yes, they're really good peaches."

So she opened the rest of her robe, showing she had on no panties. She teased, "Would they be succulent and delicious like this?"

The old farmer mumbled, and then broke down crying, and said, "Oh yes, they're wonderful peaches."

She said, "Well, honey, why on earth are you crying?"

The old farmer whimpered "Lady, the cut worms ruined my tomato crop and the weevils ate all my cotton and now I think you're gonna screw me out of my peaches."


----------



## oltomnoddy (Mar 3, 2010)

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. [FONT=Tahoma,sans-serif]He'd toss them in [/FONT][FONT=Tahoma,sans-serif]the air and then catch them in his mouth.[/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma,sans-serif]In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. [/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma,sans-serif]He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, [/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma,sans-serif]and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.[/FONT]

[FONT=Tahoma,sans-serif]As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, [/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma,sans-serif]their [/FONT][FONT=Tahoma,sans-serif]daughter's date said he [/FONT][FONT=Tahoma,sans-serif]could get the peanut out. [/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma,sans-serif]The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. [/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma,sans-serif]When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.[/FONT]

[FONT=Tahoma,sans-serif]The young man insisted that it was nothing. [/FONT][FONT=Tahoma,sans-serif]Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? [/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma,sans-serif]What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?'[/FONT]

[FONT=Tahoma,sans-serif]The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, I'd say [/FONT][FONT=Tahoma,sans-serif]your son-in-law.'[/FONT]


----------



## HippyInEngland (Mar 5, 2010)

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, 

"Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

"Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

"Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

"So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, 

"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

"Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

"So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, 

"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

"Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

"Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help!"

"My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

"To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"


----------



## Aldebaran (Mar 5, 2010)

Friedrich Nietzsche ....well .....he's as thick as he is rich.. An Atheist 

philosopher..

What an Oxymoron... 

Got any Franz Kafka on the agenda diablo____cannabis

or maybe some Hitler Quotes following....


----------



## Aldebaran (Mar 5, 2010)

Nietzsche

On January 3, 1889, Nietzsche finally suffered a mental collapse. Two policemen approached him after he caused a public disturbance in the streets of Turin. What actually happened remains unknown, but the often-repeated tale states that Nietzsche witnessed the whipping of a horse at the other end of the Piazza Carlo Alberto, ran to the horse, threw his arms up around its neck to protect the horse, and then collapsed to the ground.


----------



## oltomnoddy (Mar 8, 2010)

*1. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

 2. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

 3. A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.

 4. When the smog lifts in Los  Angeles, U.C.L.A.

 5. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was
**    on shaky ground.

 6. The batteries were given out free of charge.

 7. A dentist and a manicurist got married. They fought tooth and*

*    nail.

 8. A will is a dead give-away.

 9. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I will show*

*      you A-Flat miner.

11. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

12. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

13. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

14. Police were called to the day center when a three year old*

*      was resisting a rest.

15. Did you hear about the  fellow whose whole left side was cut*

*      off?   He's all right now.

16. If you take your laptop for a run, you could jog your memory.

17. A bicycle can't stand alone. It's two tired.

18. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

19. The guy who fell on the upholstery machine was fully*

*      recovered.

20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

21. When she saw her first strands of gray, she thought she*

*      would dye.*


----------



## Cowboy (Mar 15, 2010)

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. 

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: 

Emma come first. 
Den I come. 
Den two asses come together. 
I come once-a-more! 
Two asses, they come together again. 
I come again and pee twice. 
Then I come one lasta time.' 

The lady can't take this any more, 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly. In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.' 

Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex? 
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell '  Mississippi  

$50.00 says you're gonna read this again


----------



## HippyInEngland (Jan 20, 2011)

The stranded Irishman 



One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's certainly not a ship" 



As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft. Suddenly there from the surf strides a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! 



She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?" 



"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. 



With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter. He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, &#8220;0A that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!" 



"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde. 



Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." 



Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him. 



He opened the flask and took a long drink. "Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. "Tis truly fantastic!!!" 



At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?" 



With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!&#8221;


eace:


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## oldone (Jan 20, 2011)

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


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## HippyInEngland (Jan 26, 2011)

President Barack Obama is visiting a Glasgow hospital.

He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness,

He greets one.

The patient replies:

Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm.

Obama is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.

The next patient responds:

Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit.

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the President moves onto the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle

Now seriously troubled, Obama turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, 'Is this a psychiatric ward?'

.
'No,' replies the doctor, 'this is the serious Burns unit.'

eace:


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## Dubbaman (Apr 9, 2011)

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. 
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? ....Where have you been? ...Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it". And on and on and on it went. 

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs. 

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. 

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. 

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. 

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'


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## Dubbaman (Apr 16, 2011)

To write with a broken pencil is... pointless. 

When fish are in schools they sometimes... take debate. 

A thief who stole a calendar... got twelve months. 

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles,... U.C.L.A. 

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes... was on shaky ground. 

The batteries were given out... free of charge. 

A dentist and a manicurist married.... They fought tooth and nail. 

A will is a... dead giveaway. 

If you don't pay your exorcist... you can get repossessed. 

With her marriage, she got a new name... and a dress. 

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you... A-flat miner. 

You are stuck with your debt if... you can't budge it. 

Local Area Network in Australia:... The LAN down under. 

A boiled egg is... hard to beat. 

When you've seen one shopping center... you've seen a mall. 

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was... resisting a rest. 

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off?... He's all right now. 

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could... jog your memory. 

A bicycle can't stand alone... it is two-tired. 

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism,... it's your Count that votes. 

When a clock is hungry... it goes back four seconds 

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine... was fully recovered. 

He had a photographic memory... which was never developed. 

Those who get too big for their britches will be... exposed in the end. 

When she saw her first strands of gray hair... she thought she'd dye. 

Acupuncture... a jab well done.


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## Dancer (Apr 20, 2011)

LOLOL... classic!

Made me smile


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## Dubbaman (Jun 8, 2011)

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. 
'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like &#8220;X&#8221; and &#8220;Y&#8221; and refer to themselves as &#8220;unknowns&#8221; but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, &#8220;There are 3 sides to every triangle.&#8220; 

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, &#8220;If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.&#8221; White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.


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## Dubbaman (Jun 12, 2011)

A good ole Arkansas boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing. He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What you gonna do with that. There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here." 
He says, "I won it and I'm a gonna keep it." 

His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is. She says, "He's out there in his bass boat", pointing to the field behind the house. 

The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand down in the middle of a big field. He yells out to him, "What are you doing?" 

His brother replies, "I'm fishin. What does it look like I'm a doing." 

His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Arkansas a bad name, makin everybody think we is stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and whip your @zz!"


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## SmokinMom (Jun 14, 2011)

Good to see you Dubs.


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## Dubbaman (Jul 4, 2011)

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. 
MAN: "Hello?" 

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" 

MAN: "Yes." 

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" 

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." 

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked." 

MAN: "How much?" 

WOMAN: "$90,000." 

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." 

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it." 

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want." 

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!" 

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." 

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. 

He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"


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## Dubbaman (Sep 1, 2011)

And in this form ill drink more milk


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## Mauitraveler (Sep 1, 2011)

Dos Boobies! ROFLCOPTER! This is sprouting everywhere.


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## Dubbaman (Sep 2, 2011)

The missus came home steaming drunk last night. "You up for some role play action, babe?" She asked with a wink. 

"Not really." I replied. 

"Oh, come on." She said. "We can act out ANY scene, from ANY film you want." 

Walking over to her with a huge smile on my face, I noticed her expression change. She had realised her mistake, however it was too late. Where I had previously seen arousal in her eyes, I now saw only blind terror. 

As I shouted "THIS... IS... SPARTA!" and kicked her down the stairs.


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## Mauitraveler (Sep 2, 2011)

Wahahahahah!


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## picklepick (Sep 8, 2011)

Here's my joke: Idiot Worker

A fool is a 27 story window-washer who steps back to admire his work.


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## Mauitraveler (Sep 8, 2011)

picklepick said:
			
		

> Here's my joke: Idiot Worker
> 
> A fool is a 27 story window-washer who steps back to admire his work.


But what if there's a space to step back? :hubba:


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## Locked (Sep 15, 2011)

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob??  "We better get some support or people are gonna think we are nuts!".


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## YYZ Skinhead (Sep 18, 2011)

There once was a vicar in Kew
Who kept a pet cow in a pew.
He taught it each week
A new letter in Greek,
But it never quite got past Mu.


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## Dubbaman (Nov 10, 2011)

A guy was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. 
"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the buckshot." 

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter. 

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister." 

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?" 

"Not exactly" answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."


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## Dubbaman (Nov 29, 2011)

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical Exam. 
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take This jar home and bring back a semen sample Tomorrow.' 

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared At the doctor's office and gave him the jar, Which was as clean and empty as on the Previous day. 

The doctor asked what happened and the man Explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried With my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried With my left hand, but still nothing. 

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with Her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, Then with her teeth out, still nothing. 

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door And she tried too, first with both hands, then an Armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between Her knees, but still nothing.' 

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?' 

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'


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## Dubbaman (Nov 29, 2011)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=2QDzwBy55Uk


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